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"Gummy bear" breast implants for eye candy, CNN's pimp name, and the difference between a panda and a drunk guy from Missouri: some of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 2/24 - 3/2
Posted by Unfreakable at 2013-03-05 6:41:39 PM (4 comments) | Permalink

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6030 clicks; posted to Main » on 05 Mar 2013 at 6:41 PM (5 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Some really great headlines this week. Damn fine work, submitters.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2013-02-24 to Sat 2013-03-02:

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  TSA wrecks concert cellist's instrument and bow by slamming the case lid down in order to close it. TSA employee's excuse: "I thought there's always room for cello"    
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  Porn companies coming to aid of guy with stolen porn collection. Because everyone likes a happy ending    
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  City council to get tough on heavy water users. We're looking at YOU, Robert Oppenheimer    
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  Fraternity raises funds to help pay for transgender brother's breast removal. Historians suggest this is the first recorded case of fraternity brothers acting in favor of fewer boobs    
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  Hickory dickory dock. Have sex, get hit with a clock. Hit in the head. The hooker is dead. Hickory dickory dock    
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  What's the difference between a drunk guy from Missouri and a panda? Only one of them leaves, pees, and shoots    
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  Customer 'felt helpless' during Verizon robbery. It got even worse when three masked gunmen came into rob the joint    
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  CNN Money gives a step-by-step guide on how to recruit underage girls for prostitution. In other news, "CNN Money" is CNN's pimp name    
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  True beef or not true beef, that is equestrian    
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  Police department requests 2,000 air fresheners after a huge marijuana raid. And some chips. And maybe some sliders    
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  Detroit to be placed under emergency financial manager, Omni Consumer Products expected to bid    
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Sports:

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  University of Alabama offers middle school football player a full scholarship. Or, as an 8th grader is called in Alabama, a potential doctoral candidate    
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  Player for the Twins is expecting twins. Bet his wife is happy he doesn't play for the Giants    
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  Kansas City Chiefs rumored to be looking at Tim Tebow to back-up Alex Smith, hold down sideline with knee    
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Geek:

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  Scientists believe dead stars could support life. "No shiat," says Yoko Ono    
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  The Internet needs a Plan B, also needs to to stop drinking so much and waking up next to strange networks it just met    
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  Curiosity rover has been put into safe mode while NASA tries to uninstall some old drivers and get the damned DVD writer working    
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Entertainment:

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  Porn company searching for Lindsay Lohan lookalike, apparently don't realize that they could get the real Lindsay Lohan for the same 50 bucks and a baggie of meth they pay their regulars    
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  Renowned pianist dies. No, not Ron Jeremy    
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  Kanye West compares himself to Picasso, Walt Disney and Michelangelo. Apparently none of them could sing, either    
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Politics:

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  What is your party? "Republican" What is your quest? "To repeal the Voting Rights Act" What...is the migratory pattern for immigrants to America? "African or Mexican?"    
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  Go ahead punk...Marry that gay    
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  Obama can't 'Jedi mind meld' a budget deal, any more than he can simply walk into Westeros    
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Business:

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  FDA approves new "gummy bear" silicone breast implants. Perfect for women who want to become eye candy    
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  U.S. government offers to let BP pay a $16 billion settlement . Company execs brace for having to drink only domestic champagne for an entire month    
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  Skechers begins selling shoes called "Daddy'$ Money" to teens Next up - shoes to divorced women called "Half of Daddy'$ Money"    
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4 Comments     (+0 »)
 
 
2013-03-05 07:55:06 PM  
I'm a little sad the 'dead stars-Yoko' one wasn't in the main, that should be on the short list for Headline of the year, not Geek headline of the year.  That has definitely set the bar for the Geek tab...
 
2013-03-05 10:01:11 PM  
I loved the Monty Python and the Holy Grail themed headline in Politics. I really LOLed when I read it.
 
2013-03-05 10:51:29 PM  
The Tebow headline is funny, but marred by the use of "back-up" when "back up" is called for.
 
2013-03-06 01:10:00 AM  
True beef ftw.
 
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