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(The Hill)   House appropriators approve $2 billion for barn door locks   ( thehill.com) divider line
    More: Obvious, White House, coordinated attack, embassy security, chief of mission, John McCain, u.s. consulate, U.S. diplomatic, terror groups  
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6331 clicks; posted to Main » on 05 Mar 2013 at 7:56 AM (5 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2013-03-05 08:31:21 AM  
4 votes:
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Barney: Andy! I just got us a contract to protect the U S Emabssies! I'm gonna bring 2 billion dollars in to Mayberry! Aint cha excited?

Andy: Barney! What do you know about guarding embassies?

Barney: What's there to know? Gomer's a Marine. They guard those places twenty four seven. I tell you, this is gonna be the easiest money we every made. I asked him to come buy the courthouse. Here come Gomer now. Now remember. Don't mention his Fallujah scars.

Gomer: Mornin' everybody.

Barney: Gomer, did you ever have to guard an embassy? What was it like?

Gomer: Well, sir. I guarded the embassy in Toronto. That's in Canada. I just stood there fer a coupla hours until I got relieved by another marine. It weren't nothing like Viet nam. I tell you, I spent a night laying that gooks guts. I swear to Gawd he started talking to me. I stabbed him and I stabbed him. When Sergeant carter pulled me off him the next mornin' there was nutting left but gristle.

Barney: See Andy? It aint nutting. Just stand there. I'm gonna go out and hire all the people in Mayberry who want jobs. I'll deputize them and send them to Embassies where they'll just stand all day and get paid! Done and done!

Gomer: In Afgahnistan, I was bored so I shot these guys. All I had to do was put one little pistol on them and I got the Silver Star fer it.

Barney: That's fine. Now get on down to Casey's Quick Stop. They are some out of towners you can tell your stories to.

Gomer: I used to be so happy. I kinder remember that.

Andy: You shouldn't get in to this, barney. Maybe you should...

Barney: Nuttin' doing. I'm gonna provide security for them embassies and give all the people in Mayberry these high payin' good jobs!


Barney: Aw Andy. It's horrible. Ernest T Bass has started a ground war in Mali. He's throwing bricks at... you know, those people. And that country is plum full of those people. The Darlings were seen singing at their post in Tokyo. They got poached by a Japanese TV station and now they got their own TV shows, DVDs and merchandise including life size pillows! Aunt Bea left her post to clean the foyer in Mexico City and now we're over run with legal immigrants! Oh Andy!

Andy: You know what you should do Barney?

Barney: Give the money back?

Andy: Heck no! You should sub contract it to the Chinese. You'll still get to keep 75%. Just be sure to create a super PAC with some of it and funnel the money back in to the state and federal campaigns.

Barney: Andy you're a genius! I should have done that from the get go.

Andy: I tried to tell you before.

Barney: I know. Well, I'm off to Chiner. Thanks again, Andy. You're the best.

Andy: Barney?

Barney: Yeah Andy?

Andy: That consultation wasn't free, you know.

Barney: You serious?

Andy: Yep. Pay up. You can always claim it on your taxes.

Barney starts counting bills in to Andy's hand. Play out and fade to black.
2013-03-05 08:19:11 AM  
1 vote:
You mean we are finally going to have better security at our embassies that will prevent scenes like that one from Taken 2.  Liam telling his daughter about the soldiers guarding out front "They'll move." and I was thinking 'What, they will put enough bullets in that car to make it a cheese grater.'

Or was the guards trained by the same people who trained the TSA, they only shoot up the cars driven by 'brown' people.
2013-03-05 08:03:42 AM  
1 vote:
Added to a bill they know won't go anywhere.
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