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(Buzzfeed)   British People Problems - Surprisingly 'dentistry' isn't on the list   ( buzzfeed.com) divider line
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8230 clicks; posted to Main » on 15 Jan 2013 at 1:50 PM (5 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2013-01-15 02:01:52 PM  
3 votes:
Real British People Problems:

"(a customer walks in the door.)

Customer (John Cleese): Good Morning.

Owner (Michael Palin): Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the National Cheese Emporium!

Customer: Ah thank you my good man.

Owner: What can I do for you, Sir?

C: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through 'Rogue Herrys' by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over all peckish.

O: Peckish, sir?

C: Esuriant.

O: Eh?

C: 'Ee I were all 'ungry-like!

O: Ah, hungry!

C: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, 'a little fermented curd will do the trick', so, I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles!

O: Come again?

C: I want to buy some cheese.

O: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bouzouki player!

C: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!

O: Sorry?

C: 'Ooo, Ah lahk a nice tune, 'yer forced to!

O: So he can go on playing, can he?

C: Most certainly! Now then, some cheese please, my good man.

O: (lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like?

C: Well, eh, how about a little Red Leicester.

O: I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of Red Leicester, sir.

C: Oh, never mind, how are you on Tilsit?

O: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir, we get it fresh on Monday.

C: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Caerphilly, if you please.

O: Ah! It's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it this morning.

C: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Bel Paese?

O: Sorry, sir.

C: Red Windsor?

O: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.

C: Ah. Stilton?

O: Sorry.

C: Gruyere? Emmental?

O: No.

C: Any Norwegian Jarlsberger, per chance?

O: No.

C: Liptauer?

O: No.

C: Lancashire?

O: No.

C: White Stilton?

O: No.

C: Danish Blue?

O: No.

C: Double Gloucester?

O: (pause) No.

C: Cheshire?

O: No.

C: Dorset Blue Vinney?

O: No.

C: Brie, Roquefort, Pont-l'Eveque, Port Salut, Savoyard, Saint-Paulin, Carre-de-L'Est, Boursin, Bresse Bleu, Perle de Champagne?

O: No.

C: Camembert, perhaps?

O: Ah! We have Camembert, yessir.

C: (suprised) You do! Excellent.

O: Yessir. It's ah... it's a bit runny.

C: Oh, I like it runny.

O: Well,.. It's very runny, actually, sir.

C: No matter. Fetch hither the fromage de la Belle France! Mmmwah!

O: I...think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir.

C: I don't care how farking runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.

O: Oooooooooohhh........! (pause)

C: What now?

O: The cat's eaten it.

C: (pause) Has he?

O: She, sir.


C: Gouda?

O: No.

C: Edam?

O: No.

C: Caithness?

O: No.

C: Smoked Austrian?

O: No.

C: Japanese Sage Darby?

O: No sir.

C: You... do have some cheese, don't you?

O: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a cheese shop, sir. We've got-

C: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.

O: Fair enough.

C: Uuuuuh, Wensleydale.

O: Yes?

C: Ah, well, I'll have some of that!

O: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mister Wensleydale, that's my name.


C: Greek Feta?

O: Uh, not as such.

C: Uuh, Gorgonzola?

O: No

C: Parmesan?

O: No

C: Mozzarella?

O: No

C: Pippo Creme?

O: No

C: Danish Fimboe?

O: No

C: Czech sheep's milk?

O: No

C: Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?

O: Not -today-, sir, no.


C: Aah, how about Cheddar?

O: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.

C: Not much ca--It's the single most popular cheese in the world!

O: Not 'round here, sir.

C: (slight pause) and what IS the most popular cheese 'round hyah?

O: 'Illchester, sir.

C: IS it.

O: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manusquire.

C: Is it.

O: It's our number one best seller, sir!

C: I see. Uuh... 'Illchester, eh?

O: Right, sir.

C: All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?' He asked, expecting the answer 'no'.

O: I'll have a look, sir.. nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.

C: It's not much of a cheese shop, is it?

O: Finest in the district sir!

C: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.

O: Well, it's so clean, sir!

C: It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese.

O: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Limburger, sir.

C: Would it be worth it?

O: Could be.


O: Told you sir...

C: (slowly) Have you got any Limburger?

O: No.

C: Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place....... Tell me:

O: Yessir?

C: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any cheese here at all?

O: Yes,sir.

C: Really?


O: No. Not really, sir.

C: You haven't.

O: Nosir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time,sir.

C: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.

O: Right-0, sir.

(The customer takes out a gun and shoots the shopkeeper)

C: What a senseless waste of human life."
2013-01-15 02:02:55 PM  
2 votes:
todayilearned.co.ukView Full Size
2013-01-15 12:59:03 PM  
2 votes:
i1151.photobucket.comView Full Size
2013-01-15 04:45:31 PM  
1 vote:

Gordon Bennett: Shazam999: Wow, "with all due respect" is an insult eh? I'll have to remember that when I deal with Brits.

Oh yes, very much so. It's a bit difficult to explain something ingrained by culture but I'll try.

Due respect is assumed by the person's position or authority. True respect can only be earned. By pointing out that all due respect is given the speaker implies there is no earned respect. More or less.

What it means, if you're being direct, is "You are an absolute cretin and utter incompetent with no right to be above me, but as you are I must appear to defer to you before telling you exactly why you are wasting everyone's time with your inane ramblings."

Yeah, I get it. I'm Canadian after all, we're second best at being passive-aggressive.
2013-01-15 03:27:37 PM  
1 vote:

opiumpoopy: dragonhead: "with all due respect" specifically means "you're wrong, and I've finally managed to sum up the courage to tell you"

I disagree. It's more "you're wrong AND I think you're an idiot".

Hence why politicians use it.

With all due respect....
2013-01-15 02:26:32 PM  
1 vote:
allabouttea.co.ukView Full Size
2013-01-15 01:56:32 PM  
1 vote:
Hey ... what about the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow? For that matter, African or European?
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