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(Fark)   Subby just found out he is going to be a father today. What sage advice/snark do you have for the future dad?   ( fark.com) divider line
    More: Spiffy  
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2317 clicks; posted to Main » on 07 Jan 2013 at 9:28 PM (5 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



571 Comments     (+0 »)
 
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2013-01-07 06:29:35 PM  
Congratulations. Don't fark up.
 
2013-01-07 06:29:55 PM  
blood test ...

/no, congrats
 
2013-01-07 06:29:56 PM  
You're going to be a father today? That's pretty short notice.
 
2013-01-07 06:30:25 PM  
Your kid is going to kill a bunch of people in a theater.

And that is all on you, amigo.

You f*cked up.
 
2013-01-07 06:31:10 PM  
If she has waited nine months to tell you, your in for a rough ride.
 
2013-01-07 06:31:46 PM  
Teach him how to throw
 
2013-01-07 06:31:47 PM  
Keep her off the pole.
 
2013-01-07 06:32:02 PM  
Don't smell the umbilical cord stump.  Trust me on this.
 
2013-01-07 06:32:22 PM  
I hope you find the priesthood very rewarding.
 
2013-01-07 06:32:30 PM  
Don't screw up!
 
2013-01-07 06:32:48 PM  
Dishsoap will get puke and poop out of most fabrics.
 
2013-01-07 06:33:20 PM  
Who found out first, you or Maury?
 
2013-01-07 06:34:02 PM  
When changing a boy, put a washcloth on it or he will pee all over you and everything else.
 
2013-01-07 06:34:04 PM  
Buy a couple of sets of really small screw drivers:  Everything for children takes batteries and the battery doors are all secured by really small (in some cases hard to reach) screws.

S

This is a late parrot: Teach him how to throw


Seriously, start playing with your kids as soon as they are able.
 
2013-01-07 06:34:05 PM  
give the kid  name that doesn't suck.
 
2013-01-07 06:34:15 PM  
Congrats, subby!
I don't have any advice. Just don't forget to take care of you and your SO, and your relationship. And discipline that little brat, please for the sake of humanity.
 
2013-01-07 06:34:45 PM  
it sure takes a load off MY chest.
 
2013-01-07 06:34:57 PM  
Depending upon who I'd like to say congratulations , or get a paternity test, or have that thing aborted before you completely ruin yet another life you sick bastard.
 
2013-01-07 06:34:59 PM  

sarahthustra: give the kid  name that doesn't suck.


I like the name Garth.
 
2013-01-07 06:35:13 PM  
Congrats on the sex. Don't spend the gestation period kvetching about fatherhood. Just do it.
 
2013-01-07 06:36:03 PM  

Professor Wormbog: it sure takes a load off MY chest.


Who shot their load on your chest?
 
2013-01-07 06:36:13 PM  
/subby
 
2013-01-07 06:36:19 PM  
Have you told the mother yet? Or might it not be hers?
 
2013-01-07 06:36:34 PM  
Congrats!
 
2013-01-07 06:36:50 PM  
Feed it french fries from McDonalds every day during its first few months and gradually get him used to eating cheeseburgers. Wait until he's at least five or six before his first tattoo.
 
2013-01-07 06:37:12 PM  

AdolfOliverPanties: Don't smell the umbilical cord stump.  Trust me on this.


Seriously, I cannot stress this enough.
 
2013-01-07 06:37:19 PM  
Congrats, atticus!
 
2013-01-07 06:37:44 PM  

platkat: Wait until he's at least five or six before his first tattoo.


Is that months or weeks?
 
2013-01-07 06:37:48 PM  
The trick to parenthood is redundancy. You'll definitely screw the first one up and possibly the second, so you'll need to have at least two more.
 
2013-01-07 06:38:30 PM  
I bet your kid will be gay.
 
2013-01-07 06:38:43 PM  
Time to grow the fark up, snowflake.
 
2013-01-07 06:40:11 PM  
If you have a girl, you should definitely sign her up for beauty pageants as soon as she can walk. The pageant world will teach her positive life skills that she will use in the real world.
 
2013-01-07 06:40:14 PM  
You come here for advice...?

You're going to be a terrible father.
 
2013-01-07 06:40:25 PM  
You're going to make mistakes.  Try not to make too many, and don't kick your own ass too much- kids are resilient.
 
2013-01-07 06:40:26 PM  

gunsmack: When changing a boy, put a washcloth on it or he will pee all over you and everything else.


Also, the poo doesn't stink for the first couple of days. After that, and I suggest a little Vick's under your nostrils.

Oh and the thing about the umbilical chord stump, too.
 
2013-01-07 06:40:32 PM  
Don't get too irritated at people saying "I bet it'll be a boy" or "I bet you're having a girl."  That's just what they do.

I even had one person say "I bet it'll be a hermaphrodite."  I just smiled weakly and said "thanks a lot, mom."
 
2013-01-07 06:41:40 PM  

Phletchengreuber: The trick to parenthood is redundancy. You'll definitely screw the first one up and possibly the second, so you'll need to have at least two more.


There is much uncomfortable truth here.
 
2013-01-07 06:41:56 PM  
that's so weird, because i was definitely thinking you probably SHOULD smell the umbilical cord stump. i mean it just sounds so tempting, how could you not?
 
2013-01-07 06:42:33 PM  
sage is overrated.  use less of it in your dressing.
 
2013-01-07 06:42:53 PM  
If you drop your kid, blame it on the dog.
 
2013-01-07 06:43:46 PM  

Professor Wormbog: that's so weird, because i was definitely thinking you probably SHOULD smell the umbilical cord stump. i mean it just sounds so tempting, how could you not?


You ever smell the result of a laser scapel on human skin?  It would make a starving vulture vomit.
 
DGS [TotalFark]
2013-01-07 06:44:06 PM  
Congrats!
 
2013-01-07 06:44:41 PM  

sarahthustra: sage is overrated.  use less of it in your dressing.


Sage goes in every field.


//well maybe not anymore, but it usta-did.
 
2013-01-07 06:46:46 PM  
for real this is one of the best advice i've come across and i try to apply it to my sister because it really doesnt matter if theyre your kid or just a family member.

youre going to get angry, youre going to get stressed and life is going to fark with you. we can tell when someone is feeling like this but kids always find a way to internalize it so:

no matter how angry you are, no matter how sad or overloaded you are dont let that be the face you greet your child with. if you hear them toddle/run/walk into the room make sure that they see you smile whenever you see them. let the face they see when they find you be one that says 'i'm glad to see you, you make me happy' not your worried about bills face.

kids are special. make sure you always seem happy to see them, no matter how hard it is to put your own problems aside
 
2013-01-07 06:46:51 PM  
Don't forget to eat the placenta!!
 
2013-01-07 06:49:17 PM  

Ponzholio: If you drop your kid, blame it on the dog.


we have a home video of my parents bathing my sister and you hear my dad freak out because he thinks my mom was about to drop her.

hah i just laughed. sometimes we just tell her she was dropped
 
2013-01-07 06:49:31 PM  

LlamaGirl: Don't forget to eat the placenta!!


That's the tastiest part!
 
2013-01-07 06:49:56 PM  

AdolfOliverPanties: AdolfOliverPanties: Don't smell the umbilical cord stump.  Trust me on this.

Seriously, I cannot stress this enough.


That's so weird. Why would you do that? And what did it smell like?
 
2013-01-07 06:50:30 PM  

sgt cyanide: kids are special.


I picked my kids up tonight, and when I walked into my daughter's classroom she was hiding with another girl in a fort so she didn't see me.  I was talking to the teacher and Tori heard my voice, peaked out, saw me and lit up.  She burst of the fort and yelled DAAAAAAADDDDEEEEEEEEEEE and ran into my arms and gave me a great big hug.
 
2013-01-07 06:50:59 PM  
Well, congratulations to you Dad to be. I don't have any parenting advice -- what works for me might not work for you.

But I will say this - run interference for your wife when strangers ask to touch her belly. You just never know how that shiat's gonna go down. It's all about the hormone levels.
 
2013-01-07 06:51:41 PM  

Mrs.Sharpier: AdolfOliverPanties: AdolfOliverPanties: Don't smell the umbilical cord stump.  Trust me on this.

Seriously, I cannot stress this enough.

That's so weird. Why would you do that? And what did it smell like?


Rotted meat.  Death.  It smelled like what it was: dead flesh.
 
2013-01-07 06:52:38 PM  
WHY?
 
2013-01-07 06:52:57 PM  

Ceteris Paribus says: sgt cyanide: kids are special.

I picked my kids up tonight, and when I walked into my daughter's classroom she was hiding with another girl in a fort so she didn't see me.  I was talking to the teacher and Tori heard my voice, peaked out, saw me and lit up.  She burst of the fort and yelled DAAAAAAADDDDEEEEEEEEEEE and ran into my arms and gave me a great big hug.


see? theyre like puppies. only better because they can hug you and literally shake with excitement when they see you.

i've gotten to pick my sister up from school a few times. because its so rare she doesnt expect to see me so its fun to see her stop her friends mid sentence so she can run up to me. i have to remind her to say goodbye.

and also its funny how she doesnt seem embarrassed that her sister is old. she corrects them all casually like 'no this isnt my mom its my sister'
 
2013-01-07 06:54:46 PM  

sgt cyanide: Ceteris Paribus says: sgt cyanide: kids are special.

I picked my kids up tonight, and when I walked into my daughter's classroom she was hiding with another girl in a fort so she didn't see me.  I was talking to the teacher and Tori heard my voice, peaked out, saw me and lit up.  She burst of the fort and yelled DAAAAAAADDDDEEEEEEEEEEE and ran into my arms and gave me a great big hug.

see? theyre like puppies. only better because they can hug you and literally shake with excitement when they see you.

i've gotten to pick my sister up from school a few times. because its so rare she doesnt expect to see me so its fun to see her stop her friends mid sentence so she can run up to me. i have to remind her to say goodbye.

and also its funny how she doesnt seem embarrassed that her sister is old. she corrects them all casually like 'no this isnt my mom its my sister'


Tori introduced me to her friend Kavia, and then had to run back in and hug Kavia goodbye.  SO CUTE.
 
2013-01-07 06:55:29 PM  
During labor and delivery, position yourself in such a way that you can help and support your wife. Do it in such a way that you don't actually see the baby coming out. There's nothing to be seen there that can't be unseen. Trust me.

Wait until the doctors clean everything up.
 
2013-01-07 06:55:33 PM  
Then she an Jack argued in the car and I was this close to going Bill Cosby and saying NOBODY IS GOING TO TOUCH ANYBODY ELSE!!
 
2013-01-07 06:55:34 PM  
it's only a game. Let the kid enjoy it and stop worrying about his playing to his potential.
 
2013-01-07 06:58:30 PM  
You'll get a lot of unsolicited advice. As soon as you have a kid, suddenly everyone has a degree in childhood psychology. They all mean well, so don't take offence. There isn't time to make all the mistakes yourself.

Time off from parenting is crucial. Make dates with the mom. Enlist family members to babysit. Let the mom call ten times if she wants to. Feel no guilt.

Put the kid in the "cute special" outfits. Let them wear stuff out rather than outgrow it. Stains are like scars, they're proof that you had a good time at one point.

Likewise, a broken toy is proof that a kid loved it to death.

Oh, and their immune systems are way better than you think they are. Let them get dirty and don't fuss about what they eat.

Get them their shots.

Take a lot of pictures, but keep only the good shots.

Learn hand signs. Kids can talk before their mouths can handle speech.

You're always on point with late-night emergencies, bug and bird disposal, and checking the baby for life.

Oh right, learn CPR and First Aid. I've held certification since 1993. My daughter passed out once from a fit, she stopped breathing and passed out. I remember thinking "Okay mag, This Is It. How much FA do you know right now? Let's. Go." As soon as my cold hands touched her chest, she took a deep breath in.

Sorry, got on a roll there.

Oh, and keep her off the pole. That's your number one job.
 
2013-01-07 07:01:39 PM  

Mrs.Sharpier: WHY?


I don't know why I smelled it.  It popped off my daughter when I was changing her and I just...sniffed it.

Imagine taking a deep whiff in a room full of dead rats.
 
2013-01-07 07:02:55 PM  
Sleep. Sleep now because you will never again know the luxury of going to bed whenever you want.
 
2013-01-07 07:04:10 PM  

Ceteris Paribus says: sgt cyanide: kids are special.

I picked my kids up tonight, and when I walked into my daughter's classroom she was hiding with another girl in a fort so she didn't see me.  I was talking to the teacher and Tori heard my voice, peaked out, saw me and lit up.  She burst of the fort and yelled DAAAAAAADDDDEEEEEEEEEEE and ran into my arms and gave me a great big hug.


Aw, heck, I still do that.
 
2013-01-07 07:04:34 PM  

Ceteris Paribus says: Then she an Jack argued in the car and I was this close to going Bill Cosby and saying NOBODY IS GOING TO TOUCH ANYBODY ELSE!!


bahaha i just watched bill cosby on jimmy fallon. i forget how funny he is. and yes. kids are cute. i wish my little sister had better taste in boys. this quinn kid is... definitely not up to standard
 
2013-01-07 07:05:19 PM  
Dude, when they start to eat real food, anything besides milk..... oh man, the poop is terrible.

Terrible.

Remember Silence of the Lambs?  Where she has this stuff in her bag that's probably ultra-strong Vicks Vaporub or something similar that she rubs under her nose to quell the stench from the corpse?

You need some of that.
 
2013-01-07 07:06:01 PM  
As tempting as it is, DO NOT keep pushing on that soft spot.
 
2013-01-07 07:06:53 PM  

TheSignPost: Dude, when they start to eat real food, anything besides milk..... oh man, the poop is terrible.

Terrible.

Remember Silence of the Lambs?  Where she has this stuff in her bag that's probably ultra-strong Vicks Vaporub or something similar that she rubs under her nose to quell the stench from the corpse?

You need some of that.


i miss the I ONLY DRINK MILK AND EAT CAPN CRUNCH phase. she thought she could control the color of her poo.

i have to ask my mom if she put that in her baby book. 'mmm purple. no no no today green!'
 
2013-01-07 07:07:57 PM  

TheSignPost: Dude, when they start to eat real food, anything besides milk..... oh man, the poop is terrible.

Terrible.

Remember Silence of the Lambs?  Where she has this stuff in her bag that's probably ultra-strong Vicks Vaporub or something similar that she rubs under her nose to quell the stench from the corpse?

You need some of that.


I thought formula poop was the worst -- anecdotally, that is -- no first hand experience in any of those matters.
 
2013-01-07 07:08:12 PM  

Ponzholio: As tempting as it is, DO NOT keep pushing on that soft spot.


the place where my soft spot was still feels funny. if i pull hair out from it it hurts in a different way. sometimes i just poke it with my fingernail or run my nail back and forth along it.

can anyone else still feel their soft spot like that? the people ive asked think its weird
 
2013-01-07 07:11:59 PM  

sgt cyanide: Ponzholio: As tempting as it is, DO NOT keep pushing on that soft spot.

the place where my soft spot was still feels funny. if i pull hair out from it it hurts in a different way. sometimes i just poke it with my fingernail or run my nail back and forth along it.

can anyone else still feel their soft spot like that? the people ive asked think its weird


DAMMIT! My coworker just walked by as I was feeling the top of my head...
 
2013-01-07 07:12:00 PM  

sgt cyanide: Ceteris Paribus says: Then she an Jack argued in the car and I was this close to going Bill Cosby and saying NOBODY IS GOING TO TOUCH ANYBODY ELSE!!

bahaha i just watched bill cosby on jimmy fallon. i forget how funny he is. and yes. kids are cute. i wish my little sister had better taste in boys. this quinn kid is... definitely not up to standard


Last valentines day a little girl named Ainshu made my son a card.  We were out at dinner and I brought that up.  He got so instantly upset that he just fell out of his chair.  It was hysterically funny.
 
2013-01-07 07:12:16 PM  

sgt cyanide: Ponzholio: As tempting as it is, DO NOT keep pushing on that soft spot.

the place where my soft spot was still feels funny. if i pull hair out from it it hurts in a different way. sometimes i just poke it with my fingernail or run my nail back and forth along it.

can anyone else still feel their soft spot like that? the people ive asked think its weird


I've drunkenly fallen and hit my head so many times, my head is full of soft spots.
 
2013-01-07 07:12:38 PM  

Ponzholio: sgt cyanide: Ponzholio: As tempting as it is, DO NOT keep pushing on that soft spot.

the place where my soft spot was still feels funny. if i pull hair out from it it hurts in a different way. sometimes i just poke it with my fingernail or run my nail back and forth along it.

can anyone else still feel their soft spot like that? the people ive asked think its weird

DAMMIT! My coworker just walked by as I was feeling the top of my head...


She meant the one connected to your neck, man!
 
2013-01-07 07:14:46 PM  

Ceteris Paribus says: Ponzholio: sgt cyanide: Ponzholio: As tempting as it is, DO NOT keep pushing on that soft spot.

the place where my soft spot was still feels funny. if i pull hair out from it it hurts in a different way. sometimes i just poke it with my fingernail or run my nail back and forth along it.

can anyone else still feel their soft spot like that? the people ive asked think its weird

DAMMIT! My coworker just walked by as I was feeling the top of my head...

She meant the one connected to your neck, man!


Oh... Well, I guess I'll have to clarify it was a miscommunication with HR tomorrow...
 
2013-01-07 07:21:04 PM  
Do not have sex with the baby.
 
2013-01-07 07:21:52 PM  

TheSignPost: Dude, when they start to eat real food, anything besides milk..... oh man, the poop is terrible.

Terrible.

Remember Silence of the Lambs?  Where she has this stuff in her bag that's probably ultra-strong Vicks Vaporub or something similar that she rubs under her nose to quell the stench from the corpse?

You need some of that.


Weird, I got Iron Stomach as a class feature. The only time I've puked in the last nine years was when I reacted really bad to some meds.

And I've had my daughter barf in my mouth (by accident). And one time she sneezed when I was changing her and poop went all over. Some... uh, some went in. :(

Oh, so there's some advice. Keep your mouth closed.
 
2013-01-07 07:28:38 PM  

Ponzholio: Oh... Well, I guess I'll have to clarify it was a miscommunication with HR tomorrow...


BUT COULD YOU FEEL IT?!
 
2013-01-07 07:40:11 PM  
you're getting ready to spend $250k over the next 17 yrs.

congrats
 
2013-01-07 07:52:01 PM  
Teenagers are not magically evil. Don't freak out. Yes, they're about to do stupid shiat, but they're not inherently malicious, they're still the same person they were yesterday. Just a bit dumber and more drama-prone. And they will really, really need you.

Overall, stay calm and make sure they know you love them, and it'll turn out okay.
 
2013-01-07 08:39:29 PM  
Don't make the mistake of lots of parents.  Your kid is not your best friend, he needs a parent, be a parent, not a friend.
 
2013-01-07 08:41:03 PM  
Have ONE and ONLY ONE child.

Seriously.. If you have one it's a fun hobby. Work yeah but good work.

BUT the work load when you add a second kid doesn't just double.. oh no. It increases by an order of magnitude. Let's use the term 'work unit' as a measure of the work you do when having a child. If a single child is 10 work units a day, two children are 75 work units a day..

No one ever listens to me on this, maybe you will be the first.
 
2013-01-07 08:41:40 PM  
Just let it go.
You are the father, not the mother. When the kid farks up, tell him/her. Yelling can get their attention, but keep it to a minimum. Most kids tune that shiat out, but do pay attention to a calm voice.
 
2013-01-07 08:59:02 PM  
Congrats!

When you go into the delivery room, bring a paper lunch bag filled with candies and mints - mom will appreciate them during labor. When the contractions start, and you feel a little woozy, you can rebreathe through the bag until it passes. Then, when she's having trouble pushing just that last bit, you can pop the paper bag loudly behind her head. She will appreciate it, trust me.

/seriously, though, congrats. Smile like an idiot for the next 8 months, then be totally baffled for the next 18-plus years. It's worked for me.
 
2013-01-07 09:00:48 PM  

sgt cyanide: Ponzholio: Oh... Well, I guess I'll have to clarify it was a miscommunication with HR tomorrow...

BUT COULD YOU FEEL IT?!


I found two Skittles.
 
2013-01-07 09:16:27 PM  

Rev.K: Sleep. Sleep now because you will never again know the luxury of going to bed whenever you want.


THIS

also, the first poop is black as tar and sqeezes out like toothpaste
 
2013-01-07 09:20:16 PM  
Whatever you think it will be like is wrong.

Other people's experience won't mean a lot to you. You'll do things your own way. Relax and enjoy it.

Congratulations.
 
2013-01-07 09:26:05 PM  
Subby, if you're anywhere near Philly (specifically the western suburbs) I have a crapload of infant stuff (stroller, car seats, ect) we don't need any longer. Email is not in profile, but is my fark handle @gmail.Goes for anyone else local who has a need, btw - Goodwill won't take them and I'm struggling to find a place to donate them where they'll be used
 
2013-01-07 09:29:51 PM  

stratagos: Subby, if you're anywhere near Philly (specifically the western suburbs) I have a crapload of infant stuff (stroller, car seats, ect) we don't need any longer. Email is not in profile, but is my fark handle @gmail.Goes for anyone else local who has a need, btw - Goodwill won't take them and I'm struggling to find a place to donate them where they'll be used


this went green.perhaps , in the future, you might consider not posting personal stuff like that.
Enjoy your inbox being flooded !
 
2013-01-07 09:30:21 PM  
Time flies so pay attention and don't miss it.
 
2013-01-07 09:30:32 PM  
You're unlikely to ever do anything more important. Just sayin'.

Put your kids' psyche/welfare above whatever trivial crap you're going through with their mother.

Don't take it personally, they're all like that.

Don't forget they'll still be your kid when their kid is the age you are now.

Your dad might start getting a lot smarter.
 
2013-01-07 09:30:40 PM  
Time to give up the TotalFark.
 
2013-01-07 09:31:11 PM  
Start drinking heavily.
 
2013-01-07 09:31:14 PM  
 
2013-01-07 09:31:33 PM  
Oh, and I'm available for babysitting when she turns 16
 
2013-01-07 09:31:46 PM  

gunsmack: When changing a boy, put a washcloth on it or he will pee all over you and everything else.


word is my father found this out the hard way.
 
2013-01-07 09:32:49 PM  
Sleep now while you still have the chance.
 
2013-01-07 09:33:08 PM  
You about to welcome somebody into this world who shall, for the rest of your days, man more to you than your own life. Be honest, be firm, be kind.
 
2013-01-07 09:33:21 PM  
Sleep when the infant, baby, toddler sleeps. It's ok to have a messier-than-usual house for awhile.

/my third is due in two weeks
 
2013-01-07 09:33:28 PM  
scottystarnes.files.wordpress.comView Full Size
 
2013-01-07 09:33:45 PM  
mean more... still can't type.
 
2013-01-07 09:34:00 PM  
You're going to be a father today? You should get off the PC, go to the Hospital and make sure the wife/babby okay.
 
2013-01-07 09:34:01 PM  
Don't ask for advice from childless farkers.
 
2013-01-07 09:34:21 PM  
Pull out next time.
 
2013-01-07 09:34:38 PM  
For these next however many months left, sleep. For the love of God, sleep.

/sleep
 
2013-01-07 09:34:52 PM  
Tell them stories about your childhood every chance you get. Especially stories about when you did something dumb. Get them to understand early that screwing something up isn't the end of the world.
 
2013-01-07 09:34:54 PM  
Teach everyday.
 
2013-01-07 09:35:08 PM  
imgs.xkcd.comView Full Size
 
2013-01-07 09:35:48 PM  
Condoms.

/too late

Have the tal about condoms.

//too son

Enjoy the ride.

///you bought your ticket.
 
2013-01-07 09:35:56 PM  
Get a job.

Keep it.
 
2013-01-07 09:36:17 PM  
Run away
 
2013-01-07 09:36:18 PM  
Don't put baby in a corner.
 
2013-01-07 09:36:32 PM  

sleep lack: [imgs.xkcd.com image 650x214]


kind of a simulpost
sort of
 
2013-01-07 09:36:33 PM  

rotsky: During labor and delivery, position yourself in such a way that you can help and support your wife. Do it in such a way that you don't actually see the baby coming out. There's nothing to be seen there that can't be unseen. Trust me.

Wait until the doctors clean everything up.


If it ends up being a C-section, be sure you can see what's going on. There's so much blood everywhere it's AWESOME. By far one of the coolest things I've ever seen. Pulling that baby outta there, tossing the placenta aside. Describing it all to the girlfriend because she can't see beyond the screen. Epic.
 
2013-01-07 09:36:41 PM  
Get all the farking sleep you can get now.
fark as much as you can now.
 
2013-01-07 09:36:45 PM  
Be patient with yourself as well as your child. You'll both be doing a lot of learning and growing.
 
2013-01-07 09:36:59 PM  
Sell it on ebay.
 
2013-01-07 09:37:16 PM  
Don't panic.
 
2013-01-07 09:37:35 PM  

AdolfOliverPanties: Don't smell the umbilical cord stump.  Trust me on this.


This, it makes dogfarts smell like fresh baked cookies in comparison.

Other than that, have fun!
 
2013-01-07 09:37:36 PM  
Do not set up a facebook for your baby. It makes you look like an asshole.
 
2013-01-07 09:38:16 PM  
Should have pulled out.
 
2013-01-07 09:38:21 PM  
NOTHING IS MORE STRESS INDUCING THAN THE CONSTANT CRYING OF A BABY.

NO BABY EVER DIED FROM CRYING!

Sorry for yelling, but it drives me nuts to hear of child abuse to infants because a parent lost their head.

Seriously, if the baby is fed and the diaper is dry, put them in the crib and shut the door. Go outside and breath. Give it 5-10 minutes to cry while you calm yourself.

And LOVE LOVE LOVE that baby! They are the best thing in the world.

/father of 6
 
2013-01-07 09:38:34 PM  
Oh, and talk to the baby -- a lot. Very good for brain development.
 
2013-01-07 09:38:50 PM  
Be a better Dad than your father was.....
 
2013-01-07 09:38:52 PM  
Try not to be late with child support - they really don't like that.
 
2013-01-07 09:38:55 PM  

rotsky: During labor and delivery, position yourself in such a way that you can help and support your wife. Do it in such a way that you don't actually see the baby coming out. There's nothing to be seen there that can't be unseen. Trust me.

Wait until the doctors clean everything up.


I dunno about this. I can say plenty bad about my ex but he held my hand and snapped pictures during my Csection.
Oh subby - you did this to her. Depending on time of gestation, she may be huge during the summer. Kinda sucks to be you.
 
2013-01-07 09:39:08 PM  

SilentStrider: gunsmack: When changing a boy, put a washcloth on it or he will pee all over you and everything else.

word is my father found this out the hard way.


My mother mentioned once that, when the doctor weighed my brother as a baby, they had his diaper off and back on in less than a minute. Apparently, something went wrong the first time.
 
2013-01-07 09:40:25 PM  
Wait? TFers are reproducing now?

*Preps for the end of the world*
 
2013-01-07 09:40:55 PM  
Penis.
 
2013-01-07 09:40:55 PM  
Assuming you found out early in the pregnancy....
Buy some Ben and Jerry's or Hagan Dass or whatever the little lady is into. Hide it in the freezer and be able to produce it when the hormone fairy arrives. Yeah... it's an old Robin Willaim's joke but I swear this will save your relationship and maybe your life.
 
2013-01-07 09:41:31 PM  
Congrats to you and the Mom - you are both in for a wonderful ride.

It will be all the things above and so much more. There is no instruction manual, no guide book. Everyone has an opinion but you and Mom should decide what YOU two want and to hell with the rest.

Good luck

/due in 4 weeks
//agree with comments about what works for me may not for you
///Seriously agree with the comments about staying near mom and getting sleep now
 
2013-01-07 09:41:34 PM  
Don't let the mother of the child get any angrier than necessary.
 
2013-01-07 09:41:51 PM  
Run
 
2013-01-07 09:42:00 PM  
Bank some sleep.
Bank some more sleep.
 
2013-01-07 09:42:04 PM  

Indubitably: Penis.


to penis
 
2013-01-07 09:42:48 PM  
Run dude
 
2013-01-07 09:43:11 PM  
get a DNA test. She is lying
 
2013-01-07 09:43:47 PM  
Kids are not that complicated. Feed them. Change their diapers. Keep them out of traffic. You'll figure it out. Start saving your money. It's expensive but worth it.
 
2013-01-07 09:44:00 PM  

cretinbob: Just let it go.
You are the father, not the mother. When the kid farks up, tell him/her. Yelling can get their attention, but keep it to a minimum. Most kids tune that shiat out, but do pay attention to a calm voice.


this
 
2013-01-07 09:44:01 PM  
Do not let the kid on an airplane for a few years. The rest of us will thank you in advance.
 
2013-01-07 09:44:05 PM  
Here are things I've found that aren't necessarily obvious, but most vitally important:
- Always keep precedents/consistency in mind.  You can't let your kid do something when they're little because it seems cute, and then expect them to stop doing it when they're older.

- People have gone through horrible, horrible childhoods (abuse, loss of parents, etc.) and come out as fairly functional adults.  Don't get worked up thinking you've scarred them for life just because you embarrassed them in front of their friends.

- The above notwithstanding, even doing your best you're almost certainly going to be responsible for some bit of emotional baggage.  We all have some. Get over it.

- You'll miss bath times, hand feeding, and all the other chores when they're too old for it, so enjoy them now.
 
2013-01-07 09:44:08 PM  
wwwimage.cbsstatic.comView Full Size
 
2013-01-07 09:44:56 PM  
You will learn to love another human being in a way that far exceeds any love you have for yourself or anyone else. And there will always be a part of you that worries constantly that somehow your child will die before you do, and the notion will frighten you deeper than almost any other feeling that you may ever experience.
 
2013-01-07 09:45:37 PM  
No matter what you're facing, never lose your sense of humor. It will save you and your child a lot of heartache.
 
2013-01-07 09:45:42 PM  
Dirt is a necessary part of a kids diet and helps build a strong immune system. Hand Sanitizer really isnt doing anyone any favors.

/good thing kids are bouncy
 
2013-01-07 09:46:22 PM  
Congrats Subbs,

The best and truest advice i can offer is this;

It is all about your child now.

Everything you do from this point on is all about him or her...

Period.

Everything you do should have your offspring in mind first.

You will never be happier, or sadder, but following this advice, you will never be richer.

Enjoy!
 
2013-01-07 09:46:23 PM  
You will always be one ill-advised meth binge away from becoming the subject of a FARK headline for the second time in your life.
 
2013-01-07 09:46:24 PM  
Get term life insurance and long term disability insurance tomorrow. If you die, make sure he/she is taken care of. The odds are you'll become disabled instead of dying early. So get disability to take care of the family in case you can't. Oh, and take lots of pictures and periodically go back and look. Not only will you see how far he/she has come, but you'll see how far you have come too. Congratulations.
 
2013-01-07 09:47:29 PM  

Atomic Spunk: You will learn to love another human being in a way that far exceeds any love you have for yourself or anyone else. And there will always be a part of you that worries constantly that somehow your child will die before you do, and the notion will frighten you deeper than almost any other feeling that you may ever experience.


Exactly! (new dad here with a 14 month old)
 
2013-01-07 09:47:55 PM  
speak softly so they have to pay attention when you say 'Don't make me pull the hammer back, kid...'
 
2013-01-07 09:48:02 PM  
Paternity test
 
2013-01-07 09:48:20 PM  
People won't admit it, but babies are welcome everywhere. The movies, restaurants, strip clubs.
 
2013-01-07 09:48:26 PM  
Don't stick your dick in crazy?

/too soon?
//too late?
 
2013-01-07 09:49:00 PM  
Lord loves a workin' man. Don't trust whitey. Get a shot and get rid of it.
 
2013-01-07 09:49:36 PM  
I got that news in August. My farking crazy biatch ex-fiance ran away to another state and got an abortion at week 15. I hope you have a better experience than I did.
 
2013-01-07 09:50:12 PM  
When it comes to discipline, never count to 3. Just chuck their toy in the trash, or turn off their computer or do whatever you're going to do. Once the kid learns that correction is stern and comes without warning, they behave much better. And above all else, do it without getting angry, because it's not personal, it's just responsible parenting. If it's not personal, they will accept it and not fight it.

Also, there is no aspect of parenting that can't be helped by a glass of wine. Sometimes two.
 
2013-01-07 09:50:27 PM  
Plastics.
 
2013-01-07 09:50:57 PM  
Always have three bottles of formula/breast milk ready in the fridge. Putting those things together in the dark at 3am can get very messy. Grabbing a pre-made version out of the fridge is easy.

Arrange your changing table to where you know where everything is with your eyes closed. Because at 3am, they will often be half-closed.

Steel your mind that the first two months will suck. After that, when they start sleeping ~5 hours at a time at night, the next two months will suck slightly less. Once they start sleeping 7 hours at a time, life will start kind of getting back to normal.

From about 8-20 months is just nirvana - it's great seeing them develop right in front of your eyes.

As a dear friend said to me, "You spend the first two years of their life getting them to walk and talk and the next 20 wishing they'd sit down and shut up." :)

Good luck, sir - it's been a fun ride for us so far.
 
2013-01-07 09:51:20 PM  
You are going to learn that your folks were not entirely crazy. You are going to learn the value of naps. You are going to learn a lot of things that you've forgotten. The journey is going to be a fun ride.
 
2013-01-07 09:51:26 PM  
Some animals eat their young. By the end of your child's 18th year, you have complete understanding. Which is nice.
 
2013-01-07 09:52:12 PM  
There's a 50% chance you're going to end up paying your wife a hell of a lot more than is required to care for your child. Good luck.

/assumptions
 
2013-01-07 09:52:52 PM  
Congrats on the pending loin fruit. Don't sweat the small stuff, pick your battles, and never microwave a bottle with the nipple attached. It's funny, but messy.
 
2013-01-07 09:53:02 PM  
It takes time to bond with your infant. Won't happen overnight. I didn't like my oldest daughter much until she was 4 months old. It's normal. Don't sweat it.
 
2013-01-07 09:53:05 PM  
Can't figure out HTML on the mobile app but this article is super important so you don't go mad reading to your child:

http://m.deadspin.com/5889376/if-you-give-a-mouse-a-cookie-youre-fark e d-10-tips-for-avoiding-terrible-childrens-books

Oh and scheduling our kids sleep (Baby Wise) was the best. She slept through the night at 8 weeks.
 
2013-01-07 09:53:26 PM  
Not gonna sugar coat it - at first it's hell. Of course there's those precious Hallmark moments, but for the most part its piss, shiat, puke, slimy baby food everywhere, quick nap, repeat. So its a lot like a weekend with your mom.
 
2013-01-07 09:53:42 PM  
Read to the baby as often as possible. Doesn't matter what. It could be blogs or car-repair manuals or whatever, so long as you're reading to them.

And avoid convertible automobiles.
 
2013-01-07 09:53:44 PM  
Congrats subs. My wife and I found out three weeks ago that she is pregnant.
 
2013-01-07 09:53:45 PM  
I have six kids. I still don't know a farking thing. Only advice I can give you is get all the sleep you can now.

And congrats!
 
2013-01-07 09:53:52 PM  
Don't think that your parents or grandparents were all-wise when it came to raising their children. They were just winging it. That's what you'll be doing, too.
 
2013-01-07 09:53:54 PM  
They're all cute 'n stuff until they wreck the car.
 
2013-01-07 09:54:43 PM  
Give your baby a goddamn reasonable name. I can forgive everything else, but baby "Spatula" isnt going to cut it.
 
2013-01-07 09:55:23 PM  
Just say you're going out to get a pack of smokes.
 
2013-01-07 09:55:56 PM  
From Patton Oswalt's first album, The Most Amazing Father (NSFW language).
 
2013-01-07 09:56:01 PM  

Majick Thise: Have ONE and ONLY ONE child.

Seriously.. If you have one it's a fun hobby. Work yeah but good work.

BUT the work load when you add a second kid doesn't just double.. oh no. It increases by an order of magnitude. Let's use the term 'work unit' as a measure of the work you do when having a child. If a single child is 10 work units a day, two children are 75 work units a day..

No one ever listens to me on this, maybe you will be the first.


OMG yes! Whenever I'm playing my Sim family, it takes forever to get stuff done with more than one kid. Usually I'll send them away to boarding school once they're old enough.
 
2013-01-07 09:56:05 PM  
Never play "Flying Baby" within an hour of feeding time.
 
2013-01-07 09:56:16 PM  

azmoviez: Can't figure out HTML on the mobile app but this article is super important so you don't go mad reading to your child:

http://m.deadspin.com/5889376/if-you-give-a-mouse-a-cookie-youre-fark e d-10-tips-for-avoiding-terrible-childrens-books

Oh and scheduling our kids sleep (Baby Wise) was the best. She slept through the night at 8 weeks.


Damn filter. Will post working link soon.
 
2013-01-07 09:56:17 PM  
Don't panic, stock up on booze, Sleep as much as you can now.

/Congrats.
 
2013-01-07 09:56:40 PM  
Write your congressman and make sure they are on board with 40th trimester abortions

/works with sitting presidents
 
2013-01-07 09:57:15 PM  
Leave the fresh new diaper open longer than it seems necessary, or you will have to change again.
Don't sweat the details.
When he/she turns 18 get a hot tub and encourage nude parties at your place.
 
2013-01-07 09:57:15 PM  
indianapublicmedia.orgView Full Size
 
2013-01-07 09:57:20 PM  
Sell 'em on Ebay while they're still cute!! Either that or keep them but harvest their organs before they turn 18.
 
2013-01-07 09:57:33 PM  
Serious response here. 1. Plenty of physical contact when the child is small. 2. Tell the child that you love him/her often. 3. Always look the child in the eye when conversing. This will require you to squat down frequently. 4. Treat the child with the same level of respect that you would like to receive from anyone you meet. 5. Always give them a choice i.e. shower or bath tonight? or do you want to brush your teeth during the commercial or at the end of the program. You'll get what you want and they will learn good habits.

tl;dr hold them a lot and tell them you love them.

I am 2 for 2 with this approach as a single (widower) dad. Congratulations and enjoy!
 
2013-01-07 09:58:05 PM  
Your children are never too young to learn about disappointment.
 
2013-01-07 09:58:59 PM  
Try anal next time.

/I keed
//congrats
 
2013-01-07 09:59:02 PM  

Ceteris Paribus says: sgt cyanide: kids are special.

I picked my kids up tonight, and when I walked into my daughter's classroom she was hiding with another girl in a fort so she didn't see me.  I was talking to the teacher and Tori heard my voice, peaked out, saw me and lit up.  She burst of the fort and yelled DAAAAAAADDDDEEEEEEEEEEE and ran into my arms and gave me a great big hug.


I get that everyday when I pick my kid at the daycare... Best. Feeling. Ever.
 
2013-01-07 09:59:08 PM  

Flatulent_Flea: They're all cute 'n stuff until they wreck the car.


*That* is why I never let babies drive my car. Their depth perception and basic motor skills are poor.
 
2013-01-07 09:59:30 PM  
Use it as an attempt to get attention in a news aggregate discussion thread.
 
2013-01-07 09:59:34 PM  
Remember to check the water temp before bathing the little twerp. No one likes a flesh peeling baby! Unless you do you sick bastard o.O
 
2013-01-07 09:59:52 PM  

Ceteris Paribus says: sgt cyanide: kids are special.

I picked my kids up tonight, and when I walked into my daughter's classroom she was hiding with another girl in a fort so she didn't see me.  I was talking to the teacher and Tori heard my voice, peaked out, saw me and lit up.  She burst of the fort and yelled DAAAAAAADDDDEEEEEEEEEEE and ran into my arms and gave me a great big hug.


I only get to see my kids twice a week. If I were a chick, your post would make me start lactating...

/love my kids
/best thing ever
/no, really
 
2013-01-07 10:00:11 PM  

gunsmack: When changing a boy, put a washcloth on it or he will pee all over you and everything else.


My daughter was able to do the same thing. We used to do what we called "priming the pump": we curled her legs up into her abdomen a few times to push help empty the bladder. Worked great.

My advice to the soon to-be dad: don't sweat the small stuff. Seriously.

/Wife is eight weeks along with number 2
 
2013-01-07 10:00:21 PM  
img.photobucket.comView Full Size

img.photobucket.comView Full Size
 
2013-01-07 10:00:59 PM  

jpo2269: Your children are never too young to learn about disappointment.


Or too old to review the lessons.
 
2013-01-07 10:01:11 PM  
Don't sell it to the first guy who comes along. Play the market a bit, wait for the right offer. People will pay a lot for a white kid, so don't let them nickle and dime you about little nicks and scratches.
 
2013-01-07 10:01:19 PM  
Prepare for the next 15 years to fly by like they never happened.
Take lots of photos and video. Do video interviews when nobody is watching and hide them away. They will be priceless in the future.

You can never say "I love you" too much!
 
2013-01-07 10:01:36 PM  
She can't get any more pregnant; shag while you can. Sleep a lot. Like to travel? Get it out of your system before you two get stuck. Do not shoot medicine down the baby's throat with a syringe, unless you enjoy volcanoes of puke.
 
2013-01-07 10:02:02 PM  
Having a kid is an important step, sure. Just remember that it's infinitely more important to you than it is to us.
 
2013-01-07 10:02:22 PM  
Vasectomy so accidents don't happen again.
 
2013-01-07 10:03:03 PM  
Talk with the wife about parenting styles so you know before what you want. Cry it out or not? Attachment parenting? Spanking or not?

Once you two know what you want, then do your thing, and humor all the "experts" who will try to tell you what to do. They mean well, but it'll get old.

Don't spend all your time comparing your kid to others. They all grow differently.

Read a book about how the pregnancy will affect your wife. Hormones are a crazy thing, and if you understand now what to expect, things will go so much better for you.

I have a son about to turn 3 and a baby due this month. Being a father is the greatest joy imaginable, so have fun with it. Feel free to be as goofy as you want. Play hard, they won't break. Have a schedule, and break it just often enough so that when you do its special.
 
2013-01-07 10:03:09 PM  

Clarence Beeks: Always have three bottles of formula/breast milk ready in the fridge. Putting those things together in the dark at 3am can get very messy. Grabbing a pre-made version out of the fridge is easy.


This is why tits were made.
 
2013-01-07 10:03:11 PM  
1 medium baby
3 shallots, finely minced
1 cup sherry
4 cloves garlic, peeled and smashed
6 strips of bacon
lemon and thyme to taste
 
2013-01-07 10:03:54 PM  
Sleep. A lot. You won't sleep right until your youngest is 5 1/2.*

*Your results may vary
 
2013-01-07 10:05:12 PM  

rotsky: During labor and delivery, position yourself in such a way that you can help and support your wife. Do it in such a way that you don't actually see the baby coming out. There's nothing to be seen there that can't be unseen. Trust me.

Wait until the doctors clean everything up.


Oh,and this
 
2013-01-07 10:05:31 PM  
They are always cute when little, so was Hitler.
 
2013-01-07 10:05:44 PM  
I'm a father of a 9 month old boy.

All I can say is sleep now. Sleep often and enjoy your free time like you've been sentenced to death.

Seriously the best thing that's ever happened to me though.
 
2013-01-07 10:06:07 PM  
Stock up on paperback books, and get a rocking chair. You're going to be doing a lot of one-handed reading at 2 AM.
 
2013-01-07 10:06:13 PM  
start secretly saving money for a lawyer, or college fund if divorce never occurs; luck and wishes will not help you now
 
2013-01-07 10:06:36 PM  
Don't let the kid sleep in the bed with you. You'll have a hell of a time getting them not to later.
If they bite you, don't bite them back, that doesn't help the matter.
Test out the different diaper brands before committing. NEVER buy Luvs, you may as well wrap them in a Kleenex.
An iPod touch is a sanity saver at the store or doctor's office.
Don't buy too many clothes in one size as they'll grow out of them before they can wear them all....that goes for shoes too.
Wipes warmers are awesome for those middle of the night changes, much less firehosing.

/I know there's more but that'll do for now
 
2013-01-07 10:06:39 PM  
Take up drinking, preferably hard liquor like bourbon or scotch. If already do, double your daily dose. You kid will automatically have a reason to hate you and when you quit later you have a reason to get back in their life.

Then you can go out drinking with them...
 
2013-01-07 10:07:06 PM  
Don't join a cult that molests yer kid.
 
2013-01-07 10:07:23 PM  
Always ask yourself this question before doing something... Will my actions get me a call from the local news or a daytime talk show...

If the answer is "yes", don't do it!
 
2013-01-07 10:07:30 PM  
Kill yourself
 
2013-01-07 10:07:53 PM  

Atomic Spunk: You will learn to love another human being in a way that far exceeds any love you have for yourself or anyone else. And there will always be a part of you that worries constantly that somehow your child will die before you do, and the notion will frighten you deeper than almost any other feeling that you may ever experience.


Get out of my head.
 
2013-01-07 10:08:07 PM  
Screw your still-beautiful wife/girlfriend every damn day while you can because she will never, ever, be the same again.

What has been seen cannot be unseen and what has been stretched will never snap back:
Click, but eye-bleach recommended
 
2013-01-07 10:08:27 PM  
Don't worry about a thing. I was stolen by wolves and raised in a cave and I turned out just fine.

Just fine.
 
2013-01-07 10:08:31 PM  
sproutsanfrancisco.comView Full Size


This book will save your life, or at least your sanity.
 
2013-01-07 10:08:51 PM  
i172.photobucket.comView Full Size
 
2013-01-07 10:09:06 PM  
Hold him/her every day as much/often as you can.
 
2013-01-07 10:09:42 PM  
Mec is really gross (it's the first stuff they poop out), but don't worry, it will turn into real poop in a couple of days, and that will be really gross as well. Don't worry you'll get used to it. You will get used to a lot of really gross disgusting things. Honest. Also, as your child gets older and you talk to other parents and you think to yourself, "Wow, their kids are way better than mine. Their kids don't get into trouble and they do their homework without being hounded and they're polite and great at math blah blah blah. I'm a bad parent." DON'T BELIEVE THEM! NONE OF THEM ARE TELLING THE TRUTH! THEIR KIDS ARE JUST AS SCREWED UP AS YOURS!
And by that I mean normal.
 
2013-01-07 10:10:13 PM  
Fatherhood is the best thing in the world. You will forever be loved and love another.

Schedule, schedule schedule. Keep the baby on a schedule - feeding, sleeping, resting, It may seem anal, but it pays off huge dividends as they grow up, It makes them better adjusted and healthier.

Also, don't let the breastfeeding nazis get to you. If you decide not to breastfeed, you are not a horrible parent and your kid will not grow up tarded. Formula fed babies do just fine. Breastfeeding is better, that is true, but some women have trouble with it. It is okay to try, fail, and switch to formula.

Good luck!
 
2013-01-07 10:10:17 PM  
Congratulations!

My advice: You will want to take lots of pictures and videos. That's fine. But be sure to put the camera down and just be in the moment too.
 
2013-01-07 10:10:24 PM  
if you dont like suprises, keep your mouth closed around your toddler
 
2013-01-07 10:10:39 PM  
Chaining the kid to a radiator is like fight club....never talk about it.
 
2013-01-07 10:10:43 PM  
One piece of advice my friend gave me was: don't be too quiet around the baby.  They were quiet around their first kid and she woke up at the drop of a pin.  So I took this advice and  mine could sleep through everything, like his second daughter.

The weird item I was happy I eventually bought but would have liked to have from the start:  Get a mirror that attaches to the back seat headrest and reflects to the front mirror, some have lights and music too.  In my state for the first year, the baby must face the rear, and be in the back seat.  New parents are naturally paranoid, but it is great to be able to know at a glance if they are sleeping or what they are up to.

Don't sweat the germs, it helps build the immune system; antiseptic children may have more allergies and illnesses.  (This is a theory with high correlation, but still only a theory.)
 
2013-01-07 10:10:44 PM  

det0321: Serious response here. 1. Plenty of physical contact when the child is small. 2. Tell the child that you love him/her often. 3. Always look the child in the eye when conversing. This will require you to squat down frequently. 4. Treat the child with the same level of respect that you would like to receive from anyone you meet. 5. Always give them a choice i.e. shower or bath tonight? or do you want to brush your teeth during the commercial or at the end of the program. You'll get what you want and they will learn good habits.

tl;dr hold them a lot and tell them you love them.

I am 2 for 2 with this approach as a single (widower) dad. Congratulations and enjoy!


Other than all the sappy and hilarious advice, this is the best. #5 is the cardinal rule for avoiding 'NO!'
 
2013-01-07 10:10:55 PM  
1. Don't worry about making mistakes... kids are tough and enormously forgiving.
2. Hold them, love them, and play with them.
3. Have fun, be silly, and laugh with them.
4. Teach them the things that you ended up having to learn the hard way (and as much as you can).
5. Be fair, but firm.
6. Learn from them... while you have a lot to teach them, they have a lot to teach you about yourself.
7. Get used to gross stuff... there will be plenty of it to clean up.
8. Give them rules to follow and enforce those rules (don't be a pushover).
9. If the baby is screaming and crying and you feel yourself tensing up from the stress, put the baby in it's crib for a little while and walk away... this is more important than most people realize.
10. Let them make mistakes... then help them to understand their mistakes.
11. Teach them to cook... someday they'll be on their own and they're going to need to know how.
12. Forgive yourself for the mistakes you make along the way.

There is plenty else you'll figure out along the way... but as a father of three, that's my advice.

Oh yeah... as for the birthing... See what you can do about finding an excellent midwife instead of relying on doctors. They're WAY WAY better for uncomplicated/healthy birthing in my opinion.
 
2013-01-07 10:11:04 PM  
Sleep fast.
 
2013-01-07 10:11:09 PM  
Right there with you, subby. We're due July 4th.

*fistbump*

pick their fark handle now
 
2013-01-07 10:12:09 PM  
Patience... and Mama is queen... always.
 
2013-01-07 10:12:48 PM  
Your baby mama will be "nesting" around 6-7 months. don't push back on that shiat, or you will suffer severely.
 
2013-01-07 10:13:24 PM  
As soon as you can, lay him/her down on a small blanket and outline them with magic marker with the date. Mine's 9yr old now and looking at that together is an amazing thing.
 
2013-01-07 10:13:38 PM  
Congrats subs!
You are going to be objectively right an awful lot of times over the next 7 or 8 months. Know that in your head but admit you are wrong every time.
 
2013-01-07 10:13:46 PM  

Tatt2wand: Mec is really gross (it's the first stuff they poop out), but don't worry, it will turn into real poop in a couple of days, and that will be really gross as well. Don't worry you'll get used to it. You will get used to a lot of really gross disgusting things. Honest. Also, as your child gets older and you talk to other parents and you think to yourself, "Wow, their kids are way better than mine. Their kids don't get into trouble and they do their homework without being hounded and they're polite and great at math blah blah blah. I'm a bad parent." DON'T BELIEVE THEM! NONE OF THEM ARE TELLING THE TRUTH! THEIR KIDS ARE JUST AS SCREWED UP AS YOURS!
And by that I mean normal.


When you have vomit running down the front of you, and poop running down the back of you, that's one of those parenting moments we call "Tuesday". :-)
 
2013-01-07 10:14:11 PM  
don't be abnormally quiet when the baby sleeps. Vacuum, watch tv, whatever. Once you condition them to need quiet you will tiptoe around the house for 4 years.
 
2013-01-07 10:14:27 PM  
I believe all we've learned today is that your wife is pregnant. I'm not prepared to jump to any further conclusions.

/'grats subs
 
2013-01-07 10:14:51 PM  
oh, and whatever you do, don't eat the last Almond Joy Easter Egg. You can literally buy a case of them to replace it and it won't be the same because she wanted THAT Almond Joy Easter Egg.

/true story
 
2013-01-07 10:15:02 PM  
Adam Baldwin was an extra in a Stargate SG-1 episode, and he had a lot to say about having kids.
Video
 
2013-01-07 10:15:04 PM  
Duct tape. Congratulations!!
 
2013-01-07 10:15:33 PM  

dramboxf: Keep her off the pole.


This.

And make sure any guy she talks to knows that you have no problem going back to prison.
 
2013-01-07 10:15:33 PM  
Enjoy every moment.
Don't sweat the small stuff.
Share the responsibilities of parenthood and child maintenance with your SO. I know a guy who said, "I never changed my kids' diapers because I was never any good at it." Bullshiat. You're the dad. It's your job to GET good at it.
Remember how they look when they're bald, have no teeth and are covered in drool. If you're like me, you'll long for the simplicity of those days as they grow.
You can never love your own child too much.
Don't make excuses for your own behavior as a parent based on what was done to you during your childhood. My dad was an alcoholic. My mom used to beat me, and once got so mad at me she threw an ironing board at my head. And I have chosen to take those experiences and make them an example of what *not* to do as a parent.
You can either make excuses or make progress. Make progress.
Talk to your baby. Cuddle her. Kiss her belly. Nuzzle her. Babies become toddlers who become kids that eventually reach an age where they no longer want to be touched by you. Soak it all up now.
Be silly. Play with your baby. Instill a self-deprecating sense of humor in her as she grows. A child that can laugh at herself is rarely laughed at by others.
Don't spend every moment behind the camera. Save some of those wonderful moments for yourself, and allow yourself to be as present as you possibly can. Life is better when it's experienced face-to-face rather than seen through a 2.5" screen.
Enjoy all that is to come. I envy all the amazement that you will experience.
I truly wish you and your family the very, very best.
 
2013-01-07 10:16:04 PM  
wired.comView Full Size
 
2013-01-07 10:16:47 PM  
If she chooses to go to a hospital, and she has a plan for how she wants things to happen, you stick up for her and don't cave in to the staff, and ask her to make a "nice gesture".  They also expect things to go a certain way, and don't like to be told otherwise.

/still bitter almost 16 years later
 
2013-01-07 10:16:53 PM  
An iPod touch in a otter box at the age of 3 is amazing.

Great tool for learning. Use 2-3 times a week as a reward for being good.cousin has this set up and the kid patiently asks when getting a chore done to read a book with animations on the iPod touch. An old smart phone may be capable of doing the same.

It's awesome to see them read and wonder, but also learn how to love technology.

Not an Apple fanboy, but just observing the fact that the device is a great learning tool.
 
2013-01-07 10:17:07 PM  
Best parenting advice I ever received: Don't take parenting advice from anyone.
 
2013-01-07 10:17:29 PM  
1. Buy these aden + anais swaddle blankets

2. Babby cries. Sometimes just to cry. If they are fed, clean, not hot, not cold. It is OK to step outside for 5-10 minutes and let them cry. This is highly contested and you will hear arguments for both sides. Only you know your babby.

3. Hormones are still driving the wife's actions even after babby is born

4. BED TIME ROUTINE

5. BED TIME ROUTINE

6. BED TIME ROUTINE

20 month old. Slept through the night from 8 weeks on. Goes to bed now at 7:30pm and gets up at 6:45am. Every weekday. On the weekends she lets us sleep until 8am.
 
2013-01-07 10:17:35 PM  
Hm. I'd suggest you keep a closer eye on your missus the next time.

zing!
 
2013-01-07 10:17:55 PM  

Rev.K: Sleep. Sleep now because you will never again know the luxury of going to bed whenever you want.


When my first one came along, a friend advised me to get used to being tired... for the next 18 years.
 
2013-01-07 10:18:26 PM  
Sage Advice:

sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.netView Full Size


/Hotlinked like a mofo.
 
2013-01-07 10:18:31 PM  
Abort! Abort! Abort!
 
2013-01-07 10:18:34 PM  

skullkrusher: oh, and whatever you do, don't eat the last Almond Joy Easter Egg. You can literally buy a case of them to replace it and it won't be the same because she wanted THAT Almond Joy Easter Egg.

/true story


Eat the last Almond Joy Easter Egg. Teach them that you don't always get what you want.
 
2013-01-07 10:19:13 PM  
Don't get married because of this.

Don't have another kid right away because of this.

I am not married nor have ever been, and I only have one child. We aren't getting married and we are not together.

That's all, really.
 
2013-01-07 10:20:01 PM  

Blushing Wall Flower: sarahthustra: give the kid  name that doesn't suck.

I like the name Garth.


Garp? What kind of name is Garp?
 
2013-01-07 10:20:15 PM  
Just wait until they are six and yell at you from the top of the stairs "I hate you and hope you die. But first can you drive me to the mall?"
 
2013-01-07 10:20:34 PM  
Buy a Diaper Genie II.
 
2013-01-07 10:20:45 PM  

Mr. Murder: /subby


Congrats! IANAParent, but from what I hear, you'd better enjoy sleeping now because after the kid is born, it's going to be tough getting a good night's sleep for a while.
 
2013-01-07 10:20:55 PM  
Watch your cornhole...

Oh wait that's prison. Sorry, I got nothing.
 
2013-01-07 10:21:14 PM  
Best reading advice ever.  Read daily to your child.  Read smart.
If You Give A Mouse a Cookie You're Farked.
 
2013-01-07 10:21:40 PM  
This is the advice my Dad gave my brother and me... "Dogs and kids (he also added women to the list shortly after the divorce)- nothin' but trouble..."

The older I get, the truer it becomes, haha!

Congrats, and may the journey go as smoothly as possible! There will be bumps, try not to stress out about 'em too much. Best of luck to you and your family!
 
2013-01-07 10:22:42 PM  
I can't add any sage 'advice' per se, but you should definitely add some to the umbilical cord stump prior to smelling and subsequently making a soup from it.
 
2013-01-07 10:23:17 PM  
stagevu.comView Full Size

but seriously, congrats, dude. hmmm, my one piece of advice.... oh yeah, your kid will have ESP and know exactly at the precise nanosecond you're starting to relax. be prepared for that.
 
2013-01-07 10:23:27 PM  
Reassure, her. Tell her you are going to meditate on the situation for (hours, days) in order to properly react to the good news. Say that your emotions need to catch up to reality and that this is a normal response to sudden, life changing information. Explain that you are not going to abandon her and that all you need is to contemplate the new facts about your life.

Then get a pet sitter if you have a pet, leave your phone at home. Take a week off of work and rent a hotel room at a nice hotel and get really hammered. Locking the door so you don't leave or invite anyone in. Spend those last few days by yourself and resist the temptation to communicate with anyone. This will be the last truly personal time you will have for the rest of your life.
 
2013-01-07 10:23:41 PM  
Are you sure it's hers?


As for advice, sleep when the kid sleeps.
 
2013-01-07 10:24:06 PM  
On having kids.
Your life, as you know it, is gone. Never to return. But they learn how to walk, and they learn how to talk, and... and you want to be with them. And they turn out to be the most... delightful people... you will ever meet in your life.

Bill Murray in Lost in Translation.
 
2013-01-07 10:24:08 PM  
Always... no, no... never... forget to check your references.
 
2013-01-07 10:24:39 PM  
Teach it that the value of profits is greater than the value of wages.
 
2013-01-07 10:24:50 PM  

gunsmack: When changing a boy, put a washcloth on it or he will pee all over you and everything else.


And tuck it down, or the pee will just spout out the top of the diaper.
 
2013-01-07 10:25:49 PM  
Congrats, your life has changed and will never be the same. Life will be You have difficult, more scary than ever before. But, it will also be fooled with more live and emotion than you have ever known. As frustrating and difficult as being a father gas been at times, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

  I am the father of two and step-father of for. The best advice I can give you is do what you say you are going to do. If you sold your child and put in place a punishment, follow through to the letter. A child who knows you won't follow through, will never listen to you. Also don't be afraid to say no. Teach you kid that they don't need everything in life, that sometimes they have to wait.

 As your kid gets older TEACH him or her. Don't just let them hold the flashlight and hand you tools, let them tighten the screw or put that new purchase together under your supervision. You won't believe how much more confident they will become knowing that they can do something. And the bonding experience is priceless.

Once again, congrats. You are officially the luckiest person on the planet!
 
2013-01-07 10:25:55 PM  

Clarence Beeks: Always have three bottles of formula/breast milk ready in the fridge. Putting those things together in the dark at 3am can get very messy. Grabbing a pre-made version out of the fridge is easy.

Arrange your changing table to where you know where everything is with your eyes closed. Because at 3am, they will often be half-closed.

Steel your mind that the first two months will suck. After that, when they start sleeping ~5 hours at a time at night, the next two months will suck slightly less. Once they start sleeping 7 hours at a time, life will start kind of getting back to normal.

From about 8-20 months is just nirvana - it's great seeing them develop right in front of your eyes.

As a dear friend said to me, "You spend the first two years of their life getting them to walk and talk and the next 20 wishing they'd sit down and shut up." :)

Good luck, sir - it's been a fun ride for us so far.


The thing about pre-flighting the milk in the fridge is SO true. I once got up, poured some breast milk into a bottle, brought it into the baby and collapsed into bed. I held the bottle so he could tip it up to his mouth...and in my sleep-induced stupor, I had forgotten to screw the nipple and cap back onto the bottle. Poor baby was drenched in milk. Guess who had to get up, change the baby, wash the baby, change the bedding, start some laundry at 3am...
 
2013-01-07 10:25:55 PM  
http://static.quickmeme.com/media/social/qm.gif
 
2013-01-07 10:26:04 PM  
Diaper Genie.

Seriously, you'll wonder how you ever lived without one.
 
2013-01-07 10:27:36 PM  
Congratulations. You're probably not going to get much sleep for the next few weeks so stock up on coffee.
 
2013-01-07 10:28:13 PM  
Don't let your stepbrother raise him/her on some desert shiathole. That will only end badly.

i3.mirror.co.ukView Full Size
 
2013-01-07 10:28:17 PM  
Now that you are going to be a father, from one father to the other, I can only offer you one piece of advice that will do you the most good:

farm6.static.flickr.comView Full Size

Two is exponentially more difficult than one.
 
2013-01-07 10:28:19 PM  
Sleep NOW!
traemcneely.comView Full Size
 
2013-01-07 10:29:12 PM  
Don't treat your kid(s) like they're idiots.

 
2013-01-07 10:29:25 PM  
Book recommendations:
upload.wikimedia.orgView Full Size

It's fuzzy! :D
upload.wikimedia.orgView Full Size

(it is required to read this in the voice of Christopher Walken, btw)
and for you, this gem:
upload.wikimedia.orgView Full Size

I got this one for myself as a joke to read to my youngest (now 9). He receives energy from the air or something because when I crash at 11:30-12:00 he's still awake even though his bedtime is 8:30.
 
2013-01-07 10:29:59 PM  

Donnchadha: skullkrusher: oh, and whatever you do, don't eat the last Almond Joy Easter Egg. You can literally buy a case of them to replace it and it won't be the same because she wanted THAT Almond Joy Easter Egg.

/true story

Eat the last Almond Joy Easter Egg. Teach them that you don't always get what you want.


I was talking about wifey, not the kids.
Don't fark with wifey when she's preggo
 
2013-01-07 10:30:03 PM  
When you get the kid home, turn on the radio or tv at a normal volume so they get used to background noise.
My kids will sleep through anything.
 
2013-01-07 10:30:31 PM  
...fate and events willing? remember you "rent" children. as they are growing and getting ready
to fly the nest don't forget your wife....the one you married before you were parents

...i have 20 years into my "baby" - it will pass faster than you will ever credit - congrats :)
 
2013-01-07 10:30:44 PM  
1.) Hoping you're married to/cohabiting with the mother, my main advice is to prepare HARDCORE for the first three months. Everything goes much, much better if you have a cooperative plan for that time period and execute it from the start.

2.) On the same lines, DO NOT be afraid to incorporate your in-laws in that plan if they and your wife are willing. Few of us are big fans of the mother-in-law, but having her around is a calming influence and valuable learning tool for your wife if they have a good relationship. If you absolutely cannot handle her then have her around when you are at work or, if you take time off too, use that time to go shopping for baby supplies/groceries/whatever else is plausibly necessary and allows you to leave the house.

3.) Expect absolutely nothing of your partner for the next 6 months-1 year. Giving birth wipes women's brain clean. She will leave stuff in weird places, forget what day it is, get behind on her share of the chores, etc. Mommy Brain is real and near-universal and you need to be understanding and tolerant.

4.) Expect less than nothing from your partner for 6 weeks after delivery. She just had her vagina torn open, possibly had her taint cut off during delivery, lost tons of blood, lost tons of female hormones, and is adjusting to a little thing that can only communicate in screams suckling at her bewbs every two hours. She'll get back to the sexy sex. Trust me.

5.) Make normal household noise while your infant sleeps. If people are over, talk at normal volumes. Watch TV at NORMAL volumes. Walk around, clean, etc. At this point s/he is going to sleep anyway because when you've been floating in goo for nine months just being awake is exhausting enough. Get him/her used to sleeping through normal noise now and s/he'll be able to do the same when being awake becomes more interesting at around the 4-6 month mark--and likely thereafter.

6.) That thing I said about talking if people come over? Tell people NOW not to come over. Except for grandparents, people aren't coming over to help. They're coming over to see the widdle biddy bubba baby bumper and that's it. And the only people you need over right now, are people who will help in other ways too, like washing dishes/bottles or bringing food.

7.) Tell grandparents NOW that when they visit early on, you really need them to help DO things other than holdthe widdle biddy bubba baby bumper. If they get pissy then they become subject to Rule 6 because they are just stereotypical Baby Boomers and not real grandparents.

8.) YOU CAN'T "SPOIL" AN INFANT." An infant is a helpless little creature that depends on your for every physical and emotional need. When an infant cries there is a REASON and it is your duty to address it. Discipline and spoilation starts when your child can meet a particular need on its own, or when it whines over non-needs (e.g. "THAT toy, not this one"). You will know that time when it comes. For now, lots of holding/cuddling, and when it cries immediately check the diaper, then offer the bottle, then rock a while and put to bed. That covers about all the needs and thus all your necessary reactions.

9.) Chronicle everything. You may feel like you're taking too many pics, but you will never complain about HAVING too many pics.

10.) CONGRATULATIONS! Babies are GOOD THINGS despite the protestations of probably 200 of the 220+ comments I didn't even bother to read before I posted.
 
2013-01-07 10:31:11 PM  
kill it with fire.
 
2013-01-07 10:32:02 PM  
Pregnant sex. It's great.

Also, parenthood is fark'n tough. Fun as hell, though. Good luck.

/pregnant sex
 
2013-01-07 10:32:14 PM  

OBBN: Congrats, your life has changed and will never be the same. Life will be You have difficult, more scary than ever before. But, it will also be fooled with more live and emotion than you have ever known. As frustrating and difficult as being a father gas been at times, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

  I am the father of two and step-father of for. The best advice I can give you is do what you say you are going to do. If you sold your child and put in place a punishment, follow through to the letter. A child who knows you won't follow through, will never listen to you. Also don't be afraid to say no. Teach you kid that they don't need everything in life, that sometimes they have to wait.

 As your kid gets older TEACH him or her. Don't just let them hold the flashlight and hand you tools, let them tighten the screw or put that new purchase together under your supervision. You won't believe how much more confident they will become knowing that they can do something. And the bonding experience is priceless.

Once again, congrats. You are officially the luckiest person on the planet!


Argggggggggggg crap, stupid auto correct and Swype typing. I won't try to correct it, you will get the gist of it.
 
2013-01-07 10:32:43 PM  

gunsmack: When changing a boy, put a washcloth on it or he will pee all over you and everything else.


/Or don't, 'cause it's hilarious, and you'll maybe be needing that memory when he dents up your Dodge.
 
2013-01-07 10:32:46 PM  
Keep them away from the nude Olympics in Australia.
 
2013-01-07 10:34:06 PM  
Never, ever, ever hit your kid. Seriously, kill yourself first. You'll do a lot less damage.
 
2013-01-07 10:34:39 PM  
Be prepared to be amazed, constantly.

Cuddle, Snuggle, Hold, your baby from day 1, don't worry you won't break it.

If the baby is breastfed, do not hold with out a shirt if you are a man, it hurts like hell (how did my wife deal with that?) and they scream bloody murder when no milk comes out.

Read to your child as often as possible

Get a jogging stroller and/or a bicycle trailer, you will not have much exercise time but these will but the child to sleep, give your partner a break, get you healthy, and get you out of the house.
 
2013-01-07 10:34:42 PM  
Baby girl: Wipe from front to back.
Baby boy: Put a towel over his penis while changing diapers.
Breast fed baby poop doesn't smell bad.
 
2013-01-07 10:34:53 PM  
Kids can't see beyond their own needs. So they'll act like little selfish assholes, try not to let it get to you.
 
2013-01-07 10:35:07 PM  
1. Stop at one kid so the planet doesn't blow up and you and the Mrs. don't have to play zone defense.
2. Enjoy every minute - it goes by so very fast.
 
2013-01-07 10:35:15 PM  
My son is 7 months old. We had a few rough weeks early on and I didn't get any photos of him in that timeframe. I can't get that time back, take photos and video when things are going rough.
 
2013-01-07 10:36:06 PM  
Pregnant women don't "glow". Pregnant women fart a lot. Pregnant sex is disgusting. Lactation is not erotic in the least. You are not going to get more than 4 hours sleep per night for the next 4 years. Other than that it is great.
 
2013-01-07 10:36:13 PM  
At first they're kinda like crummy parasites that keep you up all night and can't even focus on your face. You just have to trust it'll get better when they start to get interactive.

Then they smile back at you and then laugh and eventually talk, and you totally forget how you kinda didn't like this little thing at first. And you tell people all about how being a parent is amazing, leaving out that it wasn't like that immediately.
 
2013-01-07 10:36:56 PM  

TrixieDelite: Clarence Beeks: Always have three bottles of formula/breast milk ready in the fridge. Putting those things together in the dark at 3am can get very messy. Grabbing a pre-made version out of the fridge is easy.

Arrange your changing table to where you know where everything is with your eyes closed. Because at 3am, they will often be half-closed.

Steel your mind that the first two months will suck. After that, when they start sleeping ~5 hours at a time at night, the next two months will suck slightly less. Once they start sleeping 7 hours at a time, life will start kind of getting back to normal.

From about 8-20 months is just nirvana - it's great seeing them develop right in front of your eyes.

As a dear friend said to me, "You spend the first two years of their life getting them to walk and talk and the next 20 wishing they'd sit down and shut up." :)

Good luck, sir - it's been a fun ride for us so far.

The thing about pre-flighting the milk in the fridge is SO true. I once got up, poured some breast milk into a bottle, brought it into the baby and collapsed into bed. I held the bottle so he could tip it up to his mouth...and in my sleep-induced stupor, I had forgotten to screw the nipple and cap back onto the bottle. Poor baby was drenched in milk. Guess who had to get up, change the baby, wash the baby, change the bedding, start some laundry at 3am...


Breast-feeding usually solves this.
 
2013-01-07 10:37:20 PM  

Ceteris Paribus says: sgt cyanide: kids are special.

I picked my kids up tonight, and when I walked into my daughter's classroom she was hiding with another girl in a fort so she didn't see me.  I was talking to the teacher and Tori heard my voice, peaked out, saw me and lit up.  She burst of the fort and yelled DAAAAAAADDDDEEEEEEEEEEE and ran into my arms and gave me a great big hug.


Spelling class?
 
2013-01-07 10:38:16 PM  
This is advice for both you and your wife. It is your job as a unit to see to your child's needs. It is your job as husband to see to your wife's needs and her job to see to yours. Don't get so caught up in baby that you lose sight of one another. I've seen it happen so many times where one parent or the other becomes "all about the baby" and it causes resentment from the spouse. I remember as a kid, my dad would come home from work. I could be there at the door to greet him, he would come in smile tell me he'd love to hear about my day in just a minute and then go find my mom to kiss her hello. These things stick with a kid, and knowing that mommy and daddy are still in love is very very good.
 
2013-01-07 10:38:33 PM  
My lady is 15 weeks today. All I can say is embrace it. Take your pregnant girl with a grain of salt, and take care if and love her. If you go through all of this spiteful, you've screwed your relationship, child, and yourself. All I can say it is humbling. Time to realize you aren't number one anymore, and it is beautiful.
 
2013-01-07 10:38:50 PM  
Wait...Farkers are allowed to procreate? Really? Never mind. i'm gay anyway...
 
2013-01-07 10:40:05 PM  
My advice is to go easy on the Facebook pictures it's OK in small doses but nobody needs to see every damn thing your kid does that you feel is remotely cute.
 
2013-01-07 10:41:15 PM  
Yes, you will make mistakes. Get over it, do the best you can, and don't forget to enjoy the ride. The little suckers grow up really quickly.
 
2013-01-07 10:42:10 PM  
Don't get mad when he or she scribbles in your books. Bath tub crayons are the best bath toy. Read a story to them every day. If you buy them a hundred different movies, they will watch just one a hundred times. Buy paper plates and cups to cut back on dishes. Learn how to make your own sammich.
 
2013-01-07 10:42:49 PM  

The Evil That Lies In The Hearts Of Men: Baby girl: Wipe from front to back.


This, So Much this, oh and be prepared for diaper explosions at the most inopportune times, i.e. 5 minutes after you changed a wet diaper and put her in a car seat for a 2 hour ride to grandma's house, there are good times for diaper explosions i.e. 5 minutes after you have handed her to grandma, seriously your mother will think it is cute and rush off to change her before you can say "mom give her back I will take care of it"
 
2013-01-07 10:43:01 PM  
I asked this exact thread a couple months ago. There's some great stuff in here.

http://www.fark.com/comments/7370101/Subby-found-out-his-wife-was-pre g nant-this-morning-Expected-planned-Breeders-Whats-one-piece-of-advice- you-WISH-you-could-have-had-on-day-one-regarding-your-impending-crotch fruit?startid=79874457
 
2013-01-07 10:43:39 PM  
it's not about you anymore and from here on out it's all on autopilot, brah. enjoy it, your cards are on the table.
 
2013-01-07 10:44:12 PM  
Your job as a father is to provide opportunities and experiences for your child. Some cost money, many do not.

Read to your child, every day until they wont let you any longer (it will be later than you think)

Take your child to the zoo, the aquarium, and every museum within reasonable distance of where you live. Taking that dream vacation to Disney World, subtract one day from the theme parks and take them to the local science museum. Better yet take them to the Kennedy Space Center.

Your child will get interested in something out of your comfort zone, get involved, coach it if you can.

If you have a daughter, she might gravitate towards dolls and makeup. Let her. But dont let her see these as a substitute for math and science.

If you have a daughter, he might gravitate towards sports and video games. Let him. But dont let him see these as a substitute for reading and the arts.

You wont break them. You wont screw them up. Unless you aren't there.
 
2013-01-07 10:44:13 PM  

Mr. Murder: /subby


Get this man a drink and some lotion.

/Welcome to the rest of your life
 
2013-01-07 10:44:14 PM  

CoronaMikl: Just wait until they are six and yell at you from the top of the stairs "I hate you and hope you die. But first can you drive me to the mall?"


six and already hooking at the mall ?
yer kids are advanced
 
2013-01-07 10:44:33 PM  
No matter how cute it looks, don't eat it.
 
2013-01-07 10:45:23 PM  
Hospitals have waiting rooms for a reason. You did your job 9 months ago. Now leave it to the professionals.
 
2013-01-07 10:45:28 PM  
I started late(38) - my boy is now 10 and I'm SO glad that I didn't miss out on this ride - enjoy every minute - even the rough spots at the beginning because it goes too fast. Watching them develop into their own little person is amazing. And it's true, stay involved and they keep you young - it's a gift they give to you, don't miss it.
 
2013-01-07 10:45:33 PM  
Speaking of becoming a dad...Link
 
2013-01-07 10:45:40 PM  

Buddha Belly: Oh, and talk to the baby -- a lot. Very good for brain development.


Dont allow baby talk around your child. It entertains old women and nothing else.
 
2013-01-07 10:45:41 PM  
But seriously, major congrats. Don't pay too much attention to other people's advice and just be the best parent and partner you can be and ignore the fact that I'm drunk as shiat and being very ultra-careful to type this right. Do the best you can and don't worry, be happy!
 
2013-01-07 10:46:52 PM  

skullkrusher: Congrats subs!
You are going to be objectively right an awful lot of times over the next 7 or 8 months. Know that in your head but admit you are wrong every time.


Holy crap, this.

My wife's due date was today. Looks like we're going into overtime. She is...less than pleased with this development.

And, because now I'm going to get curious, I'm probably going to sniff the umbilical cord stump.
 
2013-01-07 10:47:08 PM  
Even babies have a way of letting you know how they are feeling...


i417.photobucket.comView Full Size
 
2013-01-07 10:48:53 PM  
Keep her off the pole
 
2013-01-07 10:51:37 PM  

willicus: And, because now I'm going to get curious, I'm probably going to sniff the umbilical cord stump.


That never crossed my mind, but I could never look a piece of beef jerky the same again.
 
2013-01-07 10:51:53 PM  
some good advice in here

one more?

when you baby reaches school age, introduce him/her to a close neighbor you know - (and if you don't know any, start now) - in case of some emergencies, someone they know next door can be a hell of a lot better than 911

latch key kids, unite!
 
2013-01-07 10:52:16 PM  
The good news is that if you really screw up it's fun to make more.
 
2013-01-07 10:52:38 PM  
Mama is always right.
 
2013-01-07 10:53:16 PM  
It's good that you already know to come to Fark for parenting advice.
 
2013-01-07 10:53:35 PM  
"Gross" is a sliding scale.
 
2013-01-07 10:53:50 PM  

Tom_Slick: willicus: And, because now I'm going to get curious, I'm probably going to sniff the umbilical cord stump.

That never crossed my mind, but I could never look a piece of beef jerky the same again.


It never occurred to me either, until everyone in this thread said "Don't sniff the stump!"
 
2013-01-07 10:54:03 PM  
Save me some afterbirth. And placenta.
I'm gonna make soup.
 
2013-01-07 10:54:57 PM  
Congrats Mr. and Mrs. Murder, now starts the rest of your life. The best advice I can give is get the both of you into a parenting class ASAP. Don't assume that because you were once children, that you know how to raise a kid. This will give you a chance to see different parenting strategies, and decide which one will work for you. Once you find a strategy, STICK WITH IT. If you and your partner present a united front when it comes to discipline, it will make things a lot easier over the long run.

//father of 5
//// yes Mrs Engineer and I know what causes them
//// and we are very good at it.
 
2013-01-07 10:55:49 PM  

Mr. Murder: /subby


1. Never wake a sleeping baby.
2. Form a habit and try not to break it. Eat meals together. Always.
3. Learn to cook as a hobby. Involve your kid at a young age. It will improve both your diets/nutrition. No time? Why yes you do. Shut the stupid TV off.
4. Never treat the like they are stupid. Kids are naturally very intelligent and curious.
5. Never lie. Even the simple stuff. This takes all forms. For instance, if you are going to leave them in their bedroom and go to sleep do not tell them you will come back in 10 minutes and lay down with them to go to sleep. It is better to just tell them the truth no matter how small they are. Deal with the crying up front and they will stop it. Never try to "slip out" on them when you leave them somewhere like a babysitter or if you have one over to your house. For instance if you drop your kid off at day care do not just pop out when their ba