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(ESPN)   Houston continues to crash to Earth, the magic of RGIII knows no bounds, and the Ponies dominate in YOUR Week 18 Power Rankings   ( espn.go.com) divider line
    More: Interesting, NFL Power Rankings, Houston, Earth, NFL, rankings, pony, Indianapolis Colts, Tampa Bay Buccaneers  
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3631 clicks; posted to Sports » on 02 Jan 2013 at 12:21 AM (5 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2013-01-02 05:37:09 AM  
11 votes:
What is Romo going to do after football? He's not even qualified to be a sideline reporter. He'd throw coverage back to the booth and it would wind up on the Hallmark channel.
2013-01-02 12:36:20 AM  
7 votes:

We are gathered here today to celebrate a remarkable achievement.  Well, obviously we have come to this thread in order to commemorate this week's piping hot dish of epic fail, but of course we must acknowledge another season that came to pass, and pass it surely did. We saw rookies soar higher than anyone thought possible, veterans turn back the clock, recoveries from injuries previously thought too grave to overcome, and a disgustingly shameful chapter of NFL history thankfully come to its inglorious conclusion.

And not only were all the above mentioned award-winning performances recorded this past season, but RG3, Andrew Luck, Adrian Peterson, and Peyton Manning did some pretty cool stuff this year too, or so I hear.

With that being said, will all please rise, bow your heads, and remove any beer helmets you may currently be using for the traditional ten bell salute to the year that was.

The few, the proud, the winners of The Jake for the 2012 season.

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Week 1 - Brandon Weeden (66.7, 4 INT), the league's oldest-ever rookie quarterback who wouldn't let that be his only accomplishment this season.


Week 2 - Jay Cutler (66.7, 4 INT), the taciturn gunslinger who would still like to know just what in the fark you're looking at, pussy.


Week 3 - Cam Newton (50.0, 3 INT), the millionaire with the megawatt smile who proved that when it comes to general sulky biatchiness, he is truly the Best in the World.


Week 4 - Tony Romo (83.3, 5 INT), the allegedly elite quarterback who this season established that we all made the acquaintance of a certain hot-blooded devil named Antonio.


Week 5 - Blaine Gabbert (50.0, 2 INT/1 FUM), who can delightfully still inspire Remember the Titans jokes even after losing his job to the one and only Chad Henne.


Week 6 - Philip Rivers (100.0, 4 INT/2 FUM), whose can-suck spirit and never-say-win attitude came closest to our patron saint with his epic Monday night Gone Delhomme performance.


Week 7 - Mark Sanchez (33.3, INT/FUM), with a win that showed us that even the littlest amount of suck can sometimes be the biggest indeed.


Week 8 - Tony Romo (66.7, 4 INT), who still was not done making certain that Antonio had danced the forbidden dance straight into all of our hearts.


Week 9 - Carson Palmer (50.0, 3 INT), in his neverending quest to make myriad sportswriters who just can't let go of the pre-knee explosion past look ever more hilarious with each passing season.


Week 10 - Eli Manning (50.0, 2 INT/1 FUM), in
his neverending quest to make all New York Giants fans completely insane by 2015.


Week 11 - Andrew Luck (66.7, 3 INT/1 FUM), being quite cheeky and trying to find out just how many Colts fans would start biatching about RG3 if he tanked one.


Week 12 - Ryan Lindley (66.7, 4 INT), who did a fabulous job convincing half the audience that he was actually a grad student writing his thesis on the obsessions of sports fans and how badly a member of their team must do before attempts are made on his life.


Week 13 - Drew Brees (83.3, 5 INT).  And that's all I have to say about that.


Week 14 - John Skelton (83.3, 4 INT/1 FUM), who convinced the other half of the audience that he was also a grad student whose thesis concerned how badly a supposedly professional quarterback had to play before getting replaced by Ryan Lindley.


Week 15 - Mark Sanchez (83.3, 4 INT/1 FUM), who did this.

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Week 16 - Josh Freeman (66.7, 4 INT), who gave Ryan Fitzpatrick hope that a constant bridesmaid can indeed one day stand on the altar of awfulness himself.


Week 17 - oh, well...that's the most important part, isn't it?The ending.

And this one...was very good.

This one was perfect.

It's funny how certain things can somehow sneak up on us that seem ridiculous in retrospect.  This entire final week of the season, all the hype and all the expectations for a possible Jake hat trick?It was all on Mark Sanchez.  Everyone remembered the golden bookends The Sanchise had already won this year, but hey.  That's the magic of the buttfumble.
  When a player finds that one play that grants him his immortality, any amount of numerically equal awards will not matter.  We saw that one quarterback could hit the terrible trifecta, but we missed the possibility that was so blatantly staring us all in the face.

Re-enter Tony Romo.


To set the stage for last night's hysterical eventuality, two things had to happen.  The Giants' latest title defense had to fall apart and the Eagles had to make their fans question the existence of a loving, benevolent God.  Check and check.  All that was left were the ships captained by a rookie sensation and a veteran in desperate need of turning around his big game reputation the same way he turns his baseball cap.  An epic main event was established with the best possible stipulation - winner goes to the playoffs, loser goes golfing.  Hell, it may as well have already been a playoff game, and what could go wrong with that?

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Judging from the "wheeeeeeeeeee!" expression on this week's winner's face, a lot.  A lot could go wrong with that - namely that somebody clearly told our hero that, for all intents and purposes, this was in fact a playoff game.  Because while Tony Romo was listening to such a poisonous turn of phrase, so too was someone else.

So too was Antonio.

Clearly Tony was buried far, far deep in his tortured psyche when that game started.  A rather lame selection between the 50.0s recorded by Chad Henne and Matthew Stafford was the barrel the entire tab was staring down, but thankfully the worse angels of Tony Romo's nature were looking out for all of us as his score quickly shot up to a 33.3 after only one quarter of play.  The score was still deadlocked at zero and a possible winner's exemption loomed, but for the moment there was nothing to fear.  The next couple turnovers would be quick in coming and we'd have a probable winner by halftime, right?

Wrong.  The two-pronged war Tony Romo waged against both the Redskins and himself seemed to be going the right way (at least for incredibly selfish Cowboys fans)  during quarters two and three.  No turnovers.  Not a one.  The quarterback who seemed to be intent on self-immolation pulled himself from the fire of his own creation and set his squad on a path to the playoffs.  The score seesawed back and forth, and down by only a field goal with three minutes left to play, it was legacy time.

His team was calling for a hero.

The only question - who would answer?

In only 27 seconds of gametime, that much was clear.

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Something else that's funny?  If you take a look back at the list, in his three masterpieces this year, one less turnover was committed each time.  Going from 83.3 to 66.7 to this week's glorious 50.0, one would think this gunslinger was getting better.  One would be wrong.  These campaigns by a certain quarterback served to show us all one very important thing - quality counts.And judging from this week with the playoffs on the line, a window of championship contention seemingly sinking another degree closer to closed?  If Roger Goodell's 18-game season happened this year, somehow The Jake would've been won with a 16.7 score and he would've lost his immortal soul in the process.

That might not be the magic of RG3, people, but it most certainly
is the most peculiar magic of one Mr. Tony Romo.

For flushing his team's playoff hopes down the toilet in one fell swoop, for making clear that there is another face on the post-Delhomme Rushmore, for notching the most memorable 50.0 in recent history, I am proud to present The Jake for Week 17 of the 2012 NFL season to Tony Romo of the Dallas Cowboys.

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Anything to add, Tony?

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Awwww, seems to have stupefied even himself with that last pass.  In his place, let me just say -

Happy New Year's, friends and neighbors!
2013-01-02 08:59:17 PM  
2 votes:
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2013-01-02 04:35:11 PM  
2 votes:
Aaaaaaaaannnnndddd Sorry for the delay folks. Without further ado, Bunny Deville and I present this week's FAIL.

Please give credit to BD on this one, she knocked out the write up in what must've been 2 soul drenching minutes:

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2013-01-02 02:50:56 AM  
2 votes:
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I got nothing

/... and not just because I am a Bears fan :(
2013-01-02 01:57:28 AM  
2 votes:

The_Sponge: SEA-HAWKS!!!

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2013-01-02 12:33:59 AM  
2 votes:
And the #1 team in the NFL, for the second week in a row... THE DENVER BRONCOS!!! :D

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2013-01-04 05:17:40 PM  
1 vote:
All right. Got a lot of catching up to do here.

robsul82: Friends,

A fitting tribute to the Jakes that have gone before, and a fitting end to the season. Good job bringing the funny for seventeen weeks, and best wishes for 2013.

Pick13: Redskins at 11?
Redskins spanked the Vikings (8) and the Bears (9) aren't going to the playoffs. Reskins are the hotest team in the NFL right now at a 7 game winning streak.

elguerodiablo: The #4 Denver Broncos are the hottest team with a 11 game winning streak and the #1 seed in the AFC. These rankings suck.

Glad to see I could piss some people off. After all, isn't that what lists and rankings are all about?

roc6783: At some point, people in these threads will realize that your ranks are all math based and stop biatching, but until then, haha.jpg.

Heck, it's not even my math. Their beef is with Wes Colley, Ph.D., and the Bowl Championship Series. I just applied his BCS algorithm to the NFL, because I have a sick idea of what constitutes "fun."

thecpt: Aaaaaaaaannnnndddd Sorry for the delay folks. Without further ado, Bunny Deville and I present this week's FAIL.

Ouch. A nice write-up of a not-so-nice day. If it's any consolation, at least the Jags can't lose any more games this year.

Di Atribe: And FINALLY your graf!

Yay, gra-wait a minute...

Di Atribe: Hey, does anyone want to see the graph for all 18 weeks!???

Yay, grafs!
2013-01-02 05:55:53 PM  
1 vote:

Bunny Deville: [sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net image 300x227]

Snagged this off Facebook for your enjoyment. Di and Trey, don't beat me!

I heard they have a Jaguars version but it only has one button and it's "be eliminated from playoff contention in week 3".
2013-01-02 04:45:20 PM  
1 vote:

Di Atribe: I hate you so much right now.

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2013-01-02 12:29:33 PM  
1 vote:
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2013-01-02 12:08:19 PM  
1 vote:

Dr Dreidel: roc6783: And, for the last time in the 2012 regular season: WHAR GRAFS?!?!?! WHAR?!?!?!?

// I wasn't aware people cared about my doing that.  Thanks for the ego-lift.

The first time, I laughed. That's enough for me.

//Also, I just knew someone was doing it, not you per said. So you can take you ego-lift, and crash it like the Eagles season.
2013-01-02 09:04:50 AM  
1 vote:

Pick13: Redskins at 11?
Redskins spanked the Vikings (8) and the Bears (9) aren't going to the playoffs. Reskins are the hotest team in the NFL right now at a 7 game winning streak.

Let me know when that streak gets to 11 games.

/Go Broncos
2013-01-02 05:35:42 AM  
1 vote:
Jesus, this thread has everything. Stats, graphics, the expanded Jake... One might say it...delivers.

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2013-01-02 03:30:53 AM  
1 vote:
robsul82: *snip*

I was hoping for a Jake hat trick, but I totally discounted "Big Game" Romo pulling it out.  It was like opening a Christmas present hoping it was a new video game system, and instead it was TWO new video game systems.

Never saw it coming.

Thanks Romo!
2013-01-02 02:01:53 AM  
1 vote:
I have resisted the pony thing for as long as possible.

But, you know what? Go Broncos.

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2013-01-02 12:53:45 AM  
1 vote:

robsul82: For flushing his team's playoff hopes down the toilet in one fell swoop, for making clear that there is another face on the post-Delhomme Rushmore, for notching the most memorable 50.0 in recent history, I am proud to present The Jake for Week 17 of the 2012 NFL season to Tony Romo of the Dallas Cowboys.

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2013-01-01 09:59:02 PM  
1 vote:

Triumph: Your first bracket fails if a six seed wins (they'd play the 1st seed).

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2013-01-01 09:34:10 PM  
1 vote:

eddievercetti: Here's the playoffs...

[farm9.staticflickr.com image 850x597]

and my prediction of the next round...

[farm9.staticflickr.com image 800x563]

Your first bracket fails if a six seed wins (they'd play the 1st seed).
2013-01-01 08:34:12 PM  
1 vote:
Here's the playoffs...

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and my prediction of the next round...

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