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(Salon)   Today's reason for the Sandy Hook shootings is *shakes Magic 8-ball* Jon Stewart   ( salon.com) divider line
    More: Asinine, Magic 8-Ball, Sandy Hook, cultural war, The New York Times Best Seller list, god, magic  
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7121 clicks; posted to Politics » on 20 Dec 2012 at 10:03 PM (5 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2012-12-20 08:13:50 PM  
16 votes:
It's true. I saw Jon Stewart there with Adam Lanza and they were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me.
2012-12-20 09:26:05 PM  
12 votes:
An evangelical named "Joel Rosenberg"?  That's like a Muslim named "Israel Jewstein".
2012-12-20 09:35:37 PM  
9 votes:
Things that cause gun violence and therefore should be politicized:
Not enough God in schools.
Not enough guns in schools.
Not enough manly men in schools.
Too many womenfolk in schools.
Not enough children with guns.
Not enough children trained to carry out human wave attacks.
Asperger's Syndrome.
Mental illness.
Video games.
Quentin Tarantino.
Jon Stewart.
Abortion pills.
Gay marriage.
The theory of evolution.
The 1968 Democratic Convention
Things that don't cause violence and thus cannot be discussed at the moment:
Unfettered access to guns by crazy people
2012-12-20 08:16:32 PM  
5 votes:
*scans headline*

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2012-12-20 09:32:11 PM  
3 votes:

gilgigamesh: An evangelical named "Joel Rosenberg"?  That's like a Muslim named "Israel Jewstein".

So my sessions with Imam Schlomo aren't legit?
2012-12-20 08:29:02 PM  
3 votes:
i45.tinypic.comView Full Size

What's that Sweetness... you want me to shoot who?
2012-12-21 05:37:36 AM  
2 votes:
Why do people shake magic 8 balls when the instructions say specifically not to do that?

/its as if humans just ignore the rules...
2012-12-20 11:04:39 PM  
2 votes:

emotion_lotion: When "they" begin to take god out of your churches then you have an issue, until then STFU.

On it.

adeaconswife.files.wordpress.comView Full Size

2012-12-20 11:03:16 PM  
2 votes:
So its no longer video games and the lack of he-men at Sandy Hook.

Now it's Jon Stewart's fault.

Well, for the next 20 minutes or so anywyas.

I wonder who's fault it will be tomorrow. My guess is Sebastian the Crab.

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2012-12-20 10:33:10 PM  
2 votes:
Some one needs an attention hug, yes he does yes he does

awww come over here sit on my lap,

I know it cant feel good knowing your ridged ideology is falling out of favor and generally people are getting tired of the hate you and your friends sell. I know it's tempting to roll in the blood of children to sell another book but darling, if people don't like you you can't make them like you by picking on the cool kids.

So you play nice.
2012-12-20 10:28:36 PM  
2 votes:
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2012-12-20 10:18:33 PM  
2 votes:
Well if only there was a solution for people like Jon Stewart. Some sort of permanent solution.

/you knew this was coming.
2012-12-20 10:05:03 PM  
2 votes:
I guess Jews were going to be inevitably blamed for the massacre.
2012-12-20 08:20:40 PM  
2 votes:

Sock Ruh Tease: It's true. I saw Jon Stewart there with Adam Lanza and they were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me.

And then they got ABORTIONS, didn't they?
2012-12-21 01:32:39 PM  
1 vote:

greenboy: God hates sloth

God hate Sloth?

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2012-12-21 11:47:56 AM  
1 vote:
Dear Jesus:

It seems that countries that are far more secular, and far more politically liberal than the US, have much fewer incidents of mass killings. Heck, 99% of the population in Japan doesn't believe in you at all, and they've had none.
Why are you being so nice to them, and so mean to us? Is this some kind of jilted lover thing?

2012-12-21 11:11:31 AM  
1 vote:

BraveNewCheneyWorld: Coco LaFemme: I don't think people should be able to own guns like that anyway, because I can't see what legitimate purpose they serve, even for hunting.  Do you need to hit a deer with that many rounds?  It's a deer, not a coked-up grizzly bear.

The second amendment is not for hunting deer, it is for the ability to defend oneself against oppression.

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2012-12-21 11:00:06 AM  
1 vote:

GoldSpider: Tumunga: GAT_00: They are very lucky TDS is on Christmas break or Stewart would biatchslap these people.

No matter how much you suckle up to the man's tangy nad essence, he's still not going to go out with you.

Do people really FEAR Jon Stewart?

I'll bet Tucker Carlson does.
2012-12-21 10:15:48 AM  
1 vote:
But I thought Green Lanterns stopped things like gun violence.
2012-12-21 08:32:41 AM  
1 vote:
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2012-12-21 03:53:51 AM  
1 vote:
So, I've made it pretty clear that I personally run toward the permissive side of the spectrum on gun regulation, and I haven't been subtle about the fact that I think that people that suddenly magically care about homicides now that there's been a high profile one in the news, when they gave something less than a shiat before (despite the one incident not really altering the overall murder rate in the slightest) and want to address the problem only in the most superficial and least effective manner possible for PR purposes (federal AWB clone proposals) are not only bad policymakers, but bad people.

But... still, what the fark, dude. You don't counter stupid proposals by making equally stupid proposals in a different direction. Politics isn't an "add something dumb and right-wing to something dumb and left-wing and the dialogue is suddenly reasonable" game. You have to at least make some kind of goddamned effort to actually be reasonable. Obama has managed it, take your damned cues from him, at least on general approach if not substance.

//There are certainly aspects of gun control that would be beneficial. Closing the "private collector" loophole by not allowing you to use the term if you sell more than one or maybe two weapons a year would be a good plan, for instance. Restricting 30-round magazines to people licensed for full automatic, who are much more carefully licensed and tracked, is maybe not so effective but at least attacks the problem from a practical angle instead of an "I don't even know enough about guns to tell an assault rifle form a semi-automatic based on an assault rifle frame" perspective.

ox45tallboy: Warlordtrooper: Guns do not cause people to be mentally scarred for life.

This came from another thread, it's not mine, but I think it appropriate here...

There's a Dad that just spent two hours staring at a bicycle he won't be putting together that might disagree with you.

Personification for literary purposes is not the same thing as inanimate objects actually having agency. A car didn't run down your dead cousin, nor did a bottle of Jack, the responsibility lies with the drunk-ass idiot behind the wheel. Same applies to murderers with their weapons. Given that China had a spree knife attack like a week before our gun-related one, it's fairly clear that crazies gonna craze. We can take reasonable steps to try to cut them off, but the constitution means we pretty much have to attack the problem from a threat identification and neutralization perspective, not a trying to subvert the problem by nullifying a civil right perspective.

The bill of rights beats the popular vote even when the public is spending its annual 15 minutes pretending to care about human life before going back to cracking jokes about dudes hopped up on bath salts trying to eat people, basically.
2012-12-21 02:44:22 AM  
1 vote:
We get it, he's Jewish

sorry if this has already been covered
2012-12-21 12:21:16 AM  
1 vote:

diaphoresis: Jon Stewart forced me to have an abortion. /That is all

Too bad he didn't force your mom to have one.
2012-12-21 12:11:14 AM  
1 vote:

Insatiable Jesus: Why is a guy named Rosenberg worried about Christmas?

Seems Legit.

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2012-12-20 11:51:04 PM  
1 vote:
Rosenberg, who has previously linked Hurricane Sandy to abortion rights,

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2012-12-20 11:21:32 PM  
1 vote:

ox45tallboy: DeaH: Maybe, just maybe, you're not worshiping a god at all. Maybe you're worshiping the adversary of God.

Or maybe you're just mentally masturbating because there's no one at the other end of your prayer.

Any god that would kill children because adults aren't praying enough is not worthy of my worship.

The whole idea of a vengeful god who punishes sinners with fire and brimstone goes completely contrary of what Jesus taught in the gospels.

But then, hardcore Christians seem to only read the verses of the bible that push their own personal agenda and forget about those pesky chapters in Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.
2012-12-20 11:12:56 PM  
1 vote:

crazyeddie: doglover:
Black People
Brown People
Red People
Yellow People
The Irish
The Italians
Poor People
White Liberals
Other Groups That Aren't WASP Republicans

Yes yes, but I need citations, sir.

And I want a BJ from Megan Fox.

I'm sure we'll both get what we want. Right? Right?
2012-12-20 11:03:06 PM  
1 vote:
"But what are we reaping as a result of a society that increasingly ignores God and hates or dismisses Jesus Christ?" Rosenberg writes. "We are witnessing a horrifying explosion of murder. We are witnessing a gruesome crime wave unprecedented in American history. And there appears to be no end in sight."

So basically God is that kid from "The Twilight Zone". If we're not constantly paying attention to Him, and praising Him, he'll mess us up. Sounds like a kind and loving God.

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2012-12-20 10:57:14 PM  
1 vote:
"[m]illions of Muslims around the world are convinced their messiah-known as 'the Twelfth Imam'-has just arrived on earth."

Penalty, offense, too many Imams on the Earth. Five yard penalty, remains first down.
2012-12-20 10:50:34 PM  
1 vote:

MayoSlather: Because secularism is basically synonymous with violence.

Historically there is a pretty good correlation between anti-theist movements and violence. Of course that violence comes from churches putting down the heretics, but that is besides the point.
2012-12-20 10:40:01 PM  
1 vote:
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2012-12-20 10:32:24 PM  
1 vote:
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2012-12-20 10:31:41 PM  
1 vote:
This is Stewart's fault as well as Colbert's, because every time they go on break some unbelievable shiat happens.
2012-12-20 10:24:05 PM  
1 vote:


This guy is an embarrassment to Christianity.

That sentence is redundant.

Religious adherents should be ridiculed and made fun of at every turn for their superstitious mumbo-jumbo, and for enabling and empowering other more violent delusional nitwits.
2012-12-20 10:19:10 PM  
1 vote:

beta_plus: Sorry libs, old Joel's dad was an Orthodox Jew. Any anti-semite remarks are invalid.

My dad was Irish but it never stopped me from refusing to hire the clover-eating bastards. Good to know that I'm in the clear.
2012-12-20 08:29:43 PM  
1 vote:

Lionel Mandrake: No. Meth-fueled gay sex, then abortions.

And then they took away Christmas.
2012-12-20 08:23:25 PM  
1 vote:

ox45tallboy: Sock Ruh Tease: It's true. I saw Jon Stewart there with Adam Lanza and they were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me.

And then they got ABORTIONS, didn't they?

No.  Meth-fueled gay sex, then abortions.
2012-12-20 06:57:40 PM  
1 vote:
Same guy also blamed Sandy on abortion rights in the US. This pic seems only appropriate:
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