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(Time)   Big Bird, what's a divorce? A divorce is when your daddy gets caught banging the secretary and has to go live in another city, and you have to live with your mommy who is going to be angry at you all the time and cry a lot   ( healthland.time.com) divider line
    More: Interesting, Big Bird, Sesame Workshop, Oscar the Grouch, divorces  
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13983 clicks; posted to Main » on 11 Dec 2012 at 11:55 AM (5 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

Voting Results (Smartest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2012-12-11 01:59:40 PM  
3 votes:

asmodeus224: Divorce is totally fine for kids, just look at all the well adjusted FArkers in this thread.

Wow, seriously, you guys are a mess. There isn't enough vodka or therapy in the world for some of you, is there?

It doesn't always have to be so ugly. My ex and I share custody and it works for our kids, at parent teacher conferences my daughters teacher didn't even realize we were divorced and she lived at two homes. It isn't easy but from the beginning we agreed to a two step program.

1. Put the best interests of the kids first.
2. Mean it.

They have two complete households, no need to take anything back and forth. On big issues Mom and I work together to maintain a unified front so there is no "Mommy said I could do this". On smaller issues they understand that some rules are different when they are at home with mom vs. at home with dad (we also don't refer to "mom's house" or "dad's house" they are both "home") It takes a lot of work on the part of Mom and I and effective communication, but it can be done.
2012-12-11 03:24:51 PM  
2 votes:

imfallen_angel: akula: If you let your in laws, idiot friends, or bratty stepkids butt into your marriage, that is a reflection on you. You chose your mother in law's opinion, your friends' funtimes, or your kids' wishes over your spouse. If a couple wants to stay together they will. If something separates them, that's something that they valued over the relationship.

I'd agree for the most part, but you apparently haven't met some people that I've known. It's amazing the length that some will go to cause drama and problems for others.

I don't doubt it, but you have a choice to let people into your life or to cut them off. Some people are truly, completely, and virulently toxic, but one does not need to maintain lines of communication to such people.

I'd contend that this is the kind of thing that is ideally discussed pre-marriage; in counseling or just between the couple or whatever- if there's somebody who is that actively troublesome, there needs to be talk about how to handle it. Assuming it will go away is a significant mistake, and one that is likely to hurt the marriage on down the line.

If a potential spouse will not cut an actively toxic relationship, then it's probably better to not get married. A couple may love each other very much, but if there's (for example) a rotten kid who is an embarrassment to the parents and constantly in trouble but the parent will keep enabling that behavior, then that's not going to change just from the addition of a ring and consumption of wedding cake.

Whether one takes the Bible seriously or not, the characterization of "leaving father and mother and becoming one flesh" is a great image for what needs to happen in a marital union. If there is anybody who one of the spouses will choose over his/her husband/wife, then there's a problem, whether it's a preexisting child*, a friend, a family member, a lover, etc.

When I started dating the woman who became Mrs. Akula, her middle sister decided she would do whatever it would take to break us up. My then-GF (now wife) told me about it, we had a great laugh, and we both decided the sister would NOT be a factor in our relationship... if she sister decided to be a determined biatch, she would be ignored. Thankfully, the sister got over it and was not a problem- it never got to the point of estrangement. But had she continued, there would have been a choice made sooner or later (and before the wedding) as to which relationship would have priority.

*This can be hairy, and I'm not suggesting kicking a bratty five year old to the curb. I'm saying that if the parent and stepparent cannot get on the same page in how to handle a child (minor or adult) from a previous union, then that marriage is not likely to survive if that child is a toxic personality.
2012-12-11 01:51:39 PM  
2 votes:
Divorce is when mommy thinks she still looks like she did when she was 20, she can start her life over taking what she wants and leaving daddy holding a bag of crap. Then because mommy doesn't have any job experience she tries to soak daddy for 80% of his income via child support and alimony. Turns out mommy's lawyer had his license suspended for touching the bathing suit area of a 15yr old girl he got drunk and the judge doesn't like him very much. Turns out just because mommy thinks she is "owed" something doesn't mean she gets it. The judge tells mommy that she IS going to have to pay 1/2 the bills they've racked up over the years and 1/2 the mortgage until the house sells. She doesn't get to take you guys to another state and she can't force daddy to drive 2 hours to see you because she can't find gas money to meet 1/2 way. The judge tells mommy she can't keep you and daddy from talking on the phone because she "Has other stuff to do more important than monitor the conversations."

Mommy cries.

Mommy calls daddy and asks if they can work it out but even though daddy really misses you he knows you have better times together when mommy is somewhere else. Daddy starts to loose weight because he isn't stressed 24-7 and he can spend time with his friends again. Mommy finds out she doesn't look like she did in her 20s and divorced, unemployed, mother of three isn't the man-bait she thought (or didn't) it would be. Turns out there is a shocking dearth of men wanting to sweep her off her feet and make her life a bed of roses. Mommy wonders if maybe Lifetime had be lying to her for all those years.

\lots of heartache but worth every penny
\\kids are doing much better now but it's been a rough few years.
2012-12-11 01:37:56 PM  
2 votes:

Spindle: This is exactly what I'm going through right now. My wife officially blackmailed me three nights ago (you will drop the ad litem, give me the house and the kids, or I will call the police). I contacted the lawyer and they sent her a cease and decist letter.

She offered me a settlement last night, laughable, but I'm taking it as a good sign.

Well, here's what I can give you for advise as... well, she had free legal and I couldn't afford it so I represented myself.

1) always have a witness with you when around her

2) record times, events, discussion, on paper but audio recording (even video) if possible. If you can't use the audio/video in court, they can be used as transcripts... if accused of making things up, you can then attest that you have an actual recording of it if the judge would like to hear for themselves.

3) the moment that things are somewhat "friendly": get papers signed fast... odds are, it won't last.

4) be cold, be a machine, during discussions, and especially in court. Do not do anything out of anger or spite.

5) get it done as soon as possible, the faster it's over and done with, the faster you can rebuild your life. Material items are not important, they can be replaced. Get the important items such as pictures/videos of the kids and such duplicated.

6) If one or both get into new relationships, try to have the new people as little involved as possible unless they can handle the ex's BS.

My wife was very nice to my ex, despite the crap, and my wife's ex (yeah we both had kids with the exes) eventually stopped being a grade-A jerk. Expect the exes to have some sort of jealousy or anger towards to "new" person.

7) it only takes one to turn things into an argument. Walk away if you're feeling the scenario starting.

8) always put the kids first. Their well being is the top priority and be honest to them, and don't talk badly about the ex to them.

And good luck....
2012-12-11 12:29:45 PM  
2 votes:
Headline is sexist--even for FARK.

How about all the cases where "mommy" is a lazy biatch who cannot spend $172,000/ year fast enough, opens fraudulent charge cards when the ones that were known about are maxed out, refuses to make dinner in ten years, hardly ever cleans the house, and then decides to ditch the family because she doesn't like being an actual mother? Or the one who then mismanages her alimony and child-support so dramatically wrong she's allowed to move back in with the ex for eight months so the kids don't have to live in a crappy tiny apartment?

And then moves out again into an even worse financial situation, only to be behind on the bills again six months later?

/Schtupping the secretary is less-common than the stereotype.
//Story above not mine--it's my best friend's
2012-12-11 12:28:45 PM  
2 votes:

Lsherm: Seems like the kids picked up pretty quickly that mommy and daddy's happiness was clearly more important than their own. This is a lesson that should be taught early.

Except when the kids can clearly see that dad's miserable because frigid, joyless coont of a mom treats him like a doormat and no matter how much they go to the therapist, she still continues to be a domineering, controlling, narcissist coont and in fact both kids comment on how much more fun dad is with his new wife and can do we have to go back to mom's house already.

/5 Year Old Son "Dad, how come you look so sad all the time?"
//Same Son the following year "Dad, how come mom's always telling you what to do but I never see you telling her what to do?
///Well, son, see, when I married your mom, it seemed like a good idea at the time. It turns out that once she has what she wants, like a house and kids and sober husband who earns a good living and presents well, she moves on to new goals. Sort of like when you put an old toy on the shelf and aren't interested in it anymore? I'm your mom's old toy and she's all about her career. We sure have nice wainscoting in the dining room, though, huh?
2012-12-11 12:28:05 PM  
2 votes:
A is for Alimony. Which means mommy gets a new Lexus while daddy lives in the hood and still can't pay rent.
2012-12-11 09:00:59 AM  
2 votes:
A divorce is when your mommy and daddy don't love each other any more, and its all your fault.
2012-12-11 08:53:43 AM  
2 votes:

basemetal: You forgot stepmom using you as a pawn, subbs.

Fixed for my own experience.

/I hate that coont
2012-12-11 08:12:49 AM  
2 votes:
You forgot mom using you as a pawn, subbs.
2012-12-11 03:41:16 PM  
1 vote:

AgentKGB: I do agree with imfallen_angel, though, that some peoples' life goal seems to be breaking up others' relationships.

And such petty and pathetic people they are, too. They are not of a mental or emotional state to love or accept love, so they choose instead to destroy it where it is found.

They're an emotional version of the people who feel a need to scratch/dent nice cars in the parking lot, but even more despicable.
2012-12-11 03:08:52 PM  
1 vote:
Boy do I see a lot of similaties in some of these posts with what happened to me. Been through the wife leaving and me raising the kids. Got remarried and have been through the step kids issues as well. We are almost to the point where they are all productive citizenry. Just a few years of college left. Went through each of my biological kids pulling the "I want to live with Mom" bit as well. I think it shocked them when the next morning a plane ticket and and empty suitcase was on their bed. I really only hope that at some point they realize how much that hurt.
2012-12-11 02:46:22 PM  
1 vote:
There are times when I wonder about my own marriage.

I worry that I've settled for too much comfort and ease, and not enough passion.

I find myself wishing that Mrs_Fab was fundamentally different in some way, and more aligned with my sensibilities and point of view.

There are things she does that will grate on my nerves worse than nails on a chalkboard. And worse, I know there are things about my own character that must be irritating her even worse... but she won't say what they are.

Yes, there are times when I begin to wonder whether I've made a 25-year mistake.

But then I come here, to Fark, where cold reality is laid bare and raw and hideously naked. And my faith is fully restored, as if a miraculous spring has cleansed my very soul.

Because, man... you guys are farking damaged.

2012-12-11 01:37:41 PM  
1 vote:
I blame the 50% divorce rate on unrealistic expectations. So many people seem to believe that marriage will save their relationship. Marriage is like a house and the relationship you have pre-marriage is the foundation on the house. I know people who fought 4 or more times a week and thought marriage would put an end to that. O_o Speaking of which, I hate it when people who are in FoF (Fighting or farking, where you're either fighting or farking each others brains out) relationships get divorced and people are all shocked. If you can't make it 2 - 3 days without having a giant fight with your spouse than maybe you two shouldn't be married.

I've seen two couples get a divorce this year because of what I would call "crowded" marriages. They end up with 25+ year old stepkids either living with them or spending 12+ hours a day at their house instead of looking for work, getting training etc. They lounge around all day, mooch the food etc but "oh no we can't ask them to help with bills, etc. They're going through a tough time."
2012-12-11 01:01:49 PM  
1 vote:
You know why divorce is so expensive?

Because it is worth every penny!
2012-12-11 01:00:39 PM  
1 vote:
Well, little girl. Do you know why Big Bird wanders around the street and has a crummy, little nest next to a brownstone? Because he's divorced, that's why.

I came home one day to my split level bird house and my key wouldn't work. I called Mrs. Bird from the gas station down the street and she said we were breaking up. The lawyer brought the paperwork up to the office and made a stink about it. Word moved quickly through the office. Back then, they could fire you if you weren't "the family type".

So, I'm out of work and no one will hire a big yellow bird to do Lotus Notes Administration. The market is just too small. Especially with zero Domino experience. I'm living with my brother and his wife keeps nudging him, asking him when the couch anchor is moving out. But hey. What's another step down the ladder?

When you're getting divorced, you gotta go to court to settle everything. They set a "Court Date". That's when you are supposed to show up and tell the court your side of the issue and the judge make a valid, sane ruling. But the wife, her new boyfriend and the lawyer keep changing the court date. Well, the one time I'm out of town on a job interview, they rush the court. The ex-wife - that's what you call your wife after the judge slams a little hammer down, declares you divorced and that she gets to keep the house, the furnishings, the cars and alimony based on what you were making the day the papers got served. I got other words for her but PBS won't let me use 'em. Because I wasn't there, I couldn't tell the judge I don't have two nickels and even if I did, she wasn't getting either one. So now I have a judgement of past and future alimony owed hanging over my head.

So even if I get a job, they'll garnish my wages, so I'm forced to suckle at Uncle Sucker's teat until the day I die. Either that, or I change my name, move to Kentucky and get a job artificially inseminating horses. And guess what, little girl? Not even for Secretariat's sperm does a filly want this wing shoved up her va-jay-jay.

So, little girl. Thanks for the little kick down Memory Lane. I gotta get back to the nest. It's garbage day and sometimes the men try to throw my nest on the truck. It's pretty much the only adult interaction I have any more. So, when you meet a little boy, just think about all they ways you can mess up his life. Maybe the Count can count them for you. Here he comes now. Hey Count, count the ways a little girl like this can screw over a little boy.

Count: Hey buddy. My ex had me tossed from my coffin at the break of noon. Count how many ways you can get the shaft from a girl? Blah. Even the Count can't count that high. Hey. they're pouring stale beer in to the gutter behind the strip club. Wanna go slurp up some gutter brew?

Big Bird: And I thought today was gonna suck just as much as yesterday and all the days before. Screw the nest. I hope they haul it off. Was mostly asbestos anyways. Let's go.
2012-12-11 12:22:17 PM  
1 vote:

Nightsweat: [media.tumblr.com image 200x247][media.tumblr.com image 200x247][media.tumblr.com image 200x247]

You're just doing that because I finally found an animated gif of that, that was small enough for Fark.comTM

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2012-12-11 12:15:17 PM  
1 vote:

Stone Meadow: Yeah, only in my case it was mommy who ran off to California leaving my dad with 5 kids and a crop in the field.

She picked a fine time to do that.
2012-12-11 12:09:15 PM  
1 vote:

dletter: Still always semi-angry when I think about all the frustration I had watching and the adults would never believe Big Bird, and now today's kids get off scott free.

They still have bits from time to time about the adults not believing someone who is telling the truth. The one that comes to mind involved Cookie Monster, where he would be left alone near some cookies and he would actual resist eating them, but someone else (Cookie Hood) came along and stole them; so of course he got blamed for eating them, as he explained to them "Me am glutton, not liar!"
2012-12-11 12:07:35 PM  
1 vote:
Big Bird, what's a divorce? A divorce is when your daddy Mommy gets caught banging the secretary a student and has to go live in another city to jail, and you have to live with your mommy daddy who is going to be angry at you all the time and cry a lot because he wasn't getting any of it.
2012-12-11 12:06:36 PM  
1 vote:

ChipNASA: (Clicks on " Funniest " ...hmmm.....nothing to see here. ) 

Just like presidents, if you don't vote, don't complain.
2012-12-11 12:06:11 PM  
1 vote:

Valiente: quatchi: We're about to witness the strength of street knowledge?

Then there was the crucial distinction of timing: Snuffy had experienced his divorce in the present; he was upset, angry, crying. His emotions were raw. But Abby would reveal her story as something that happened in the past - an important distinction, say researchers, to show kids that she's made it to the other side.

Good way to go with it. I'm honestly surprised it took two decades for them to broach the subject again.

Don't ask, don't tell.

/where's Elmo's fist?

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2012-12-11 11:59:03 AM  
1 vote:
Next Up: Elmo does a segment on fisting.
2012-12-11 10:18:18 AM  
1 vote:

Mentat: Meanwhile, Mr. Hooper is still dead.

Odds are good he'll stay that way.
2012-12-11 10:11:54 AM  
1 vote:
Meanwhile, Mr. Hooper is still dead.
2012-12-11 09:49:37 AM  
1 vote:

FlyingLizardOfDoom: I thought snuffy was big bird's imaginary friend.

Nah, they made him real because the grown-ups on Sesame Street not believing in Snuffy apparently were akin to grown-ups not believing their kids when they told Mommy and Daddy about being diddled by their teacher/priest/relative/whatnot.

2012-12-11 09:09:04 AM  
1 vote:

Generation_D: A divorce is when your mommy and daddy don't love each other any more, and its all your fault.

I think that, as long as you make sure the kid is aware of this, then you and your ex can move on with your lives knowing you gave it your best effort.
2012-12-11 08:42:00 AM  
1 vote:
In a year or so, you will get a younger, prettier Mommy with bigger boobs. She will be like the older sister you never had!
2012-12-11 08:40:05 AM  
1 vote:
But you'll get twice the Christmas presents, so that's something cool!
2012-12-11 08:30:32 AM  
1 vote:
We're about to witness the strength of street knowledge?

Then there was the crucial distinction of timing: Snuffy had experienced his divorce in the present; he was upset, angry, crying. His emotions were raw. But Abby would reveal her story as something that happened in the past - an important distinction, say researchers, to show kids that she's made it to the other side.

Good way to go with it. I'm honestly surprised it took two decades for them to broach the subject again.
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