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(Fark)   How about a little pre-Thanksgiving fun? DIT   ( fark.com) divider line
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4894 clicks; posted to Main » on 21 Nov 2012 at 2:00 PM (5 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

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2012-11-21 02:11:15 PM  
How much bacon should be used to envelope the turkey?
2012-11-21 02:11:16 PM  
I bought a Budderball turkey from the back of a pickup truck. Do you occasionally make typos on your packaging? Also, why are the cooking directions in Chinese?
2012-11-21 02:12:00 PM  

whizbang: [imageshack.us image 850x1241]

Are you just a fan of Pig Destroyer, or are you in one of these bands. If its the latter, can I throw fake vomit and blood on you, or perhaps pelt you with severed baby doll limbs.
2012-11-21 02:12:12 PM  
Should I pack summer or winter clothes, and is it Istanbul or Constantinople now?
2012-11-21 02:13:39 PM  
"If I cook it too slow to kill, will the maggots get the hint and crawl out by themselves? I don't think I have time to pick them out one by one."
2012-11-21 02:13:49 PM  
"My family is hosting a Hawaiian Thanksgiving this year. How deep should I dig the pit in my yard and how much diesel fuel should I pour in the pit before burying my turkey?"
2012-11-21 02:14:20 PM  
Woo! Way to go Kwamster!
2012-11-21 02:14:51 PM  
I noticed that another company makes a one whole chicken in a can.
Do you offer anything similar? I think I'd like that.
2012-11-21 02:15:25 PM  
"My son hid his marijuana stash inside the turkey. I think I got it all. How much weed do you have to ingest before it starts to affect you?"
2012-11-21 02:15:40 PM  
I think my turkey's faulty. I clearly got the bigger half of the wishbone, but my sister's wish came true instead of mine. Am I eligible for a refund?
2012-11-21 02:16:09 PM  
Has your company ever considered using bald eagles? It could be labeled as 'a limited edition ultra american thanksgiving' campaign. This could be a huge money maker.
2012-11-21 02:17:36 PM  
"My brother-in-law is quite the outdoorsman! He's taken a turkey, stuffed it into a deer, and stuffed that deer into a black bear. How many tons of charcoal do you believe I'll need for the beardeerkey to reach proper temperature?"
2012-11-21 02:17:55 PM  
"Is your company Armenians? Why did the Turkeys do that to you? Does Turkeycide make up for it or are you still bitter?"
2012-11-21 02:18:29 PM  
I'm Armenian. "Turkey" is not a very nice word in my experience.

Can we please change the name of this bird to something else?
2012-11-21 02:18:38 PM  
Where can I find my turkey's serial number?

Is it like cooking a racoon?
2012-11-21 02:19:02 PM  
I set out my turkey to defrost last night. Now my parrot is huddled in the corner of his cage, staring at the turkey, not saying anything. I think he has gone catatonic.. Can you recommend a good bird therapist?
2012-11-21 02:19:28 PM  
The deep fryer instructions say to use 3 gallons of oil for my sized turkey, but should I use 10W40 or 10W30?
2012-11-21 02:20:08 PM  
Okay I've prepared the THC butter and stuffed my turkey with delicious nuggets, what is the optimum temperature at which to cook the bird to make sure I get really freaking high while I'm eating it?
2012-11-21 02:20:45 PM  
"I don't like cooking. Do you offer any kind of turnkey turkey solutions? Hey, you could just call it a TurnKey! Do I get royalties for coming up with that? Hello?"
2012-11-21 02:21:08 PM  
If you were a hot dog turkey, and you were starving, would you eat yourself?

Would you eat the moon if it were made of ribs turkey?
2012-11-21 02:21:28 PM  
How long does it take to broil a 14lb turkey?
2012-11-21 02:23:20 PM  
The turkey won't stop struggling long enough for me to get it in the pot. Would you recommend stabbing it in the neck or somewhere else? I don't want to damage the good meat.
2012-11-21 02:24:19 PM  
My in-laws dropped the turkey in the dog's water bowl. I said I'd have the ham. My sister-in-law said I'd eat the turkey and like it.
1. Do I have to eat the turkey?
2. Will I like it?

/This actually happened--the first time I met them (when I was still dating my now wife).
2012-11-21 02:26:00 PM  
"You mean I have to *bake* this thing? As god is my witness... I thought turkeys could fry."
2012-11-21 02:27:02 PM  
"May I speak to Doctor Kevorkian please?"
2012-11-21 02:27:38 PM  
What's the secret to picking up a 7-10 split when turkey bowling?
2012-11-21 02:27:41 PM  
How do I know this isn't actually a really big chicken or a really small emu?
I don't want to eat an emu, because I think all the other emus would know. You know?
And might want revenge.
I ate goose when I was small, and when I was in college the goose used to chase me all the way to class if I so much as walked near the pond. I ended up having to park at the stadium and take the bus after that.

I'm already in bad with the chickens for various reasons.
2012-11-21 02:28:49 PM  
Do turkeys have souls?
2012-11-21 02:29:25 PM  
Someone explain to me how a prank telephone call equates to "fun" for someone over the age of 14.
2012-11-21 02:30:04 PM  
What is the best way to remove the raw turkey from a small child's head?
2012-11-21 02:30:09 PM  
"Do you know where I can get a RealTurkey doll?"
2012-11-21 02:30:43 PM  
Do they eat turkey in Turkey?
2012-11-21 02:31:47 PM  
I misread the defrost time and am trying to speed it up with a coat of Icyhot. How much do I need to apply for a 13lb bird?
2012-11-21 02:31:49 PM  

Balchinian: Someone explain to me how a prank telephone call equates to "fun" for someone over the age of 14.

*totalfark dot jpeg*
2012-11-21 02:32:08 PM  

Balchinian: Someone explain to me how a prank telephone call equates to "fun" for someone over the age of 14.

sitcomsonline.comView Full Size
2012-11-21 02:33:09 PM  
What's a turkey?
2012-11-21 02:33:09 PM  

Balchinian: Someone explain to me how a prank telephone call equates to "fun" for someone over the age of 14.

How does it feel to be a boring funsucker? :(
2012-11-21 02:33:42 PM  
"I'm calling about the job? You see, I'm not the Turkey Plucker, I'm the Turkey Plucker's son, but my daddy told me to Pluck your Turkey's until the day is done. If you've got some Turkeys, then I'm the Pluckin' One, man cause I'm not the Turkey Plucker, but its time I Plucked at least one."
2012-11-21 02:34:21 PM  

Balchinian: Someone explain to me how a prank telephone call equates to "fun" for someone over the age of 14.

Apparently you've never called a GameStop and asked for BattleToads with everyone else....
2012-11-21 02:34:27 PM  
I won a bet, but now my foot is stuck in the turkey. Should I try to kick it off or lube up my foot?
2012-11-21 02:34:50 PM  

Balchinian: Someone explain to me how a prank telephone call equates to "fun" for someone over the age of 14.

And this is why we don't normally give you TFD threads to play with.
2012-11-21 02:35:09 PM  
If you drop a 20 pound turkey from 500 feet up, barring any weather effects and given that terminal velocity is a constant, how long before it would hit the ground like a sack of wet cement? Please show your work.
2012-11-21 02:35:11 PM  
I attempted to take my frozen bird on a flight recently and was detained by the TSA, as I refused to allow the bird to go through the "naked screen image" scanner. Should I have continued to ask the TSA to pat down the bird, or can i pass it through the scanner multiple times and thereby cook the bird in the security line?
2012-11-21 02:35:19 PM  

Balchinian: Someone explain to me how a prank telephone call equates to "fun" for someone over the age of 14.

i279.photobucket.comView Full Size
2012-11-21 02:36:09 PM  

Ponzholio: Why did you change it from Constantinople?

2012-11-21 02:36:18 PM  
Will Butterball sponsor my band?
2012-11-21 02:37:09 PM  
Is it true that you can use a tazer to dethaw a turkey? How many shocks before it starts cooking it?
2012-11-21 02:37:44 PM  
I'm new to this 'vegetarian' lifestyle... is there any part of the turkey that is acceptable for vegetarians?
2012-11-21 02:38:09 PM  

Balchinian: Someone explain to me how a prank telephone call equates to "fun" for someone over the age of 14.

I think we should ask the Butterball person this very serious question.

/ in a deadpan voice.
2012-11-21 02:38:36 PM  

imapirate: Benjamin Franklin wanted our national bird to be the turkey. Will my local tea party think I'm a communist for eating this turkey and thereby dismissing our founding fathers?

The turkey you will be eating is a farm raised, chemical infested white turkey. Not the wild turkey dear Ben wanted. So, you should be safe.
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