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(ESPN)   The Saints are marching, the Buccaneers are sinking, and the Cardinals keep getting trapped. Here is your OFFICIAL Week 8 Power Rankings Thread   ( espn.go.com) divider line
    More: Amusing, Cardinals, pirates, NFL, rankings, John Harbaugh, Jamison Hensley, Christian Ponder, Chargers  
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3947 clicks; posted to Sports » on 23 Oct 2012 at 4:47 PM (5 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

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View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2012-10-23 04:23:52 PM  
3 votes:

We have gathered today to...not celebrate. Certainly not celebrate. "Celebrate" does not in any way capture the feeling any of us has here today.


Yes, commiserate. That's a much better word.

We have gathered here to commiserate on the horror that has befallen our beloved award on this day. A black cloud hangs over all of our heads this Tuesday afternoon, a dark shroud clouding our hearts and minds as we debate on who actually won this week, who really deserves this treasured trophy. Arguments at this very moment are ringing out from office water coolers to sports bars, from cubicles to factory floors.

Brother battling brother.

Priests punching rabbis directly in the face.

These are dark days for this nation.

Worse, our two major party presidential candidates went an entire 90 minutes last night without even mentioning this crisis. It was a shameful showing from the two men who are supposed to be America's best and brightest, a complete and total embarrassment to what makes this country great - a firm, unwavering belief that you and you alone truly know shiat about sports. Instead of a moderator getting steamrolled by both candidates, instead of blathering on about meaningless bullshiat like a nuclear Iran and tumult in Libya, why couldn't we have had Bob Schieffer ask the candidates, "Just why in the fark hasn't Jay Cutler thrown a pick yet tonight?"

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One would think that President Obama, a well-known Bears fan, wouldn't have minded to field that question. One would think Obama would love to extoll the ability of his favorite team's gunslinger to win Jakes when he's not winning games. One would think the president would've grabbed that opportunity to rhapsodize in soaring rhetoric about Jay Cutler's innate ability throw touchdowns and temper tantrums in equal measure.

One would be wrong.

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Mitt Romney, well...he came off the assembly line in Michigan, didn't he? He wouldn't have had a problem bashing the Bears as emblematic of failed Chicago-style politics and reveling in the Lions as representative of the ongoing Detroit comeback. Cutler's been sensational at following in the footsteps of the namesake, it's true, but he's almost 30 years old. "At only 24 years of age, Matthew Stafford is truly the turnover-prone quarterback of the future, one Jake already won during last season," he could've uneasily stammered.

Instead, both candidates remained shamefully silent, twiddling their thumbs as Fark Sports burned. Much like the administration of James Buchanan, a storm was brewing, unrest was sown far and wide, and a scar formed across the soul of America. But instead of a civil war rife with bloodshed and brutality, what would be the result of this disgraceful inaction in the face of clear and present danger?

A malaise had come to the tab, ladies and gentlemen.

A malaise that was spread through the sheer number of tied candidates scoring 33.3 that we saw this week, not to mention the record number of winner's exemptions handed out - three, in fact, to Eli Manning, Ben Roethlisberger, and by the grace of Purple Jesus, Christian Ponder. So really, who should win for Week 7?

Should it be Ol' Reliable, forever the bridesmaid and never the bride, Ryan Fitzpatrick? He can always be counted on to do just enough to get himself in the conversation, after all. Some weeks he even leads for a bit, until the next batch of games inevitably finds someone who smashes through Ryan's accomplishment. This week, he contributed his usual single interception and single fumble to the pile. Should that really stand as the marker?

Here we have John Skelton, another candidate with a pick and fumble, but one who managed to find a way to lose to a quarterback who only threw for 58 yards. Admittedly, it is highly tempting to simply throw him the trophy and call it a day. It simply boggles the mind to imagine how a quarterback can pass for a third of his body weight and still notch a victory. However, it becomes a little less glowing when you remember that said quarterback had Adrian Peterson - and Adrian Peterson on a day in which he didn't feel like fumbling the ball three or four times, natch - to constantly bail his ass out of the fire. Could that ridiculous failure be our winner?

We also have Robert Griffin III under consideration. It's true, he like so many others on Sunday threw an interception and lost a fumble - gave up two, in fact, but only lost one, and we know what counts here - but can that performance on the road be worthy of this award? He seemingly did all he could swipe that game in the swamps of New Jersey, leading his team to what seemed like a sure win and himself to a nice winner's exemption, only to see his defense forget that getting back should really be on the agenda. That can't be the winner, not at all.

And of course we've got Cam Newton back in the spotlight. The Best in the World. These days, the only thing he seems best in the world at is inspiring rage in doughy sportswriters prone to sweating problems. Mired in a sophomore slump, looking like the overrated jerk some brave, bright, incredibly handsome Farkers were courageous enough to call him last year, Newton tossed the ball away once on an massively misjudged throw into the endzone and managed to fumble it away before his day was done. However, when your most notable achievements come after the game in the press room, when the only thing anyone remembers about what you did was calling a woman "sweetheart" during your latest pity party, you don't deserve this glory. Hell no.

Joe Flacco did what no other quarterback did this week, throwing a whole two interceptions. Maybe the award is his just based on that, based on the idea that a pair of something's better than one of each. But then again, I don't know where that idea came from and somehow throwing two and not three only upsets me more. Sure, he got his unibrow handed to him by the best in the AFC, but that does represent a high level of competition. Can't complain too hard about that. In the end, hopefully Joey's mom made him the chicken nuggets in the animal shapes today, because he's not getting this trophy, no sir.

And then there's Mark Sanchez. The Sanchise. The gunslinger who went to AFC Championship Games in his first two seasons, led by a brash head coach whose love for a good snack was only met that for a long sole. Troubling times of late for Mark, however. Having his job threatened by His Holy Tebus, New York/New Jersey heathens so desperate for a winner they want to turn to a man who would blanch at the sight of Central Park after dark. This week was no better, really. 328 yards, sure, but a performance overall that was so bumbling it could only be described as surreal. Facing the Patriots, true, Brady and Belichick being stiff competition no matter how they've underperformed thus far. However. Being forced to boot a ball out of the back of the endzone? Yeah, I'd say that's surreal to say the least. And then there's his last turnover, the fumble to make it a piddling 33.3, but a fumble nonetheless that lost the game for his team. Are we really resigned to that? Is that our bottom line, our bare minimum of failure?

So it must be.

For scoring a pathetic 33.3, for...eh. It's just so hard, I don't...are you surprised by my tears, sir?

Strong men also cry. Strong men also...cry.


Okay, I'm ready.

For scoring a pathetic 33.3, for recording the lowest total for a Jake winner that I can think of, for doing the least imaginable to win, I'm not proud...DEFINITELY not proud...but I must present the Week 7 Jake for the 2012 NFL season to Mark Sanchez of the New York Jets.

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Mark, do you have anything to...you know what, fark that and fark you. Goodnight.

*twinkling piano notes*

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2012-10-23 01:40:41 PM  
3 votes:
I vote we quit using ESPN for these dicussions until they stop with the lame auto-play video.
2012-10-23 06:13:40 PM  
1 vote:
I'm happy with my Vikings performance this year.

Cuz i had
oilogosphere.comView Full Size
2012-10-23 06:10:42 PM  
1 vote:
Useless facts:

Change from Week 1 to this week :
One 15 point drop: Chiefs
One 21 point jump: Vikings

Two teams ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE (back at their Week 1 rankings): 49ers, Ravens

Number of times rankings have changed:
15 teams have changed every week
8 teams have changed all but once
1 team has only moved twice (Browns)

Difference between high rank & low rank:
Lowest fluctuation: Browns with 2
Highest fluctuation: Vikings with 22
Average fluctuation: 9.063

Overall fluctuation travel:
Smallest: Browns with 3
Highest: Seahawks with 39 and still no one gives them credit for anything :(

Teams hitting their highest rank this week: Giants, Bears, & Dolphins

Teams hitting their lowest rank this week: Chargers, Bengals, Panthers, & Buccaneers

Seven teams did not change rank: Eagles, Falcons, Lions, Broncos Chiefs, Jaguars, & Browns

Five teams have held the #1 spot 

And graphs rule. And so does football. And the Sports Tab. YEAH
2012-10-23 05:20:36 PM  
1 vote:

Di Atribe: This Looks Fun: Di Atribe: Also, graph 2 4 u

Di (or anyone else really),
I know it's been explained before, but can you refresh my memory on the meaning of this graph and how to interpret it? Or, to phrase another way, "according to this graph, is Minnesota beating Green Bay?"

It answers the question, "But who have they beaten?" Green Bay & New England have the same record, but Green Bay has beaten better teams. So it's plausible to say that GB has had a harder time getting to 4-3 than NE.

As the season goes on, it'll spread out like a Christmas tree. The really good team is the star on top & the worst team is on the lowest, left branch (usually Cleveland).

Now I'll apply my knowledge:

2 teams tied vertically have the same SOS, and the one higher up has won more of those games.

2 teams tied horizontally have won the same number of games and the one to the right has the tougher schedule.

And so to compare MN/GB, Minnesota has won more/easier games while GB has won fewer/tougher games.
2012-10-23 05:00:45 PM  
1 vote:

robsul82: Instead, both candidates remained shamefully silent, twiddling their thumbs as Fark Sports burned

Bwaaaaaaaahahaha! An early Jake! YES it's just like Christmas!

Also, graph 2 4 u

i.imgur.comView Full Size

bing bong bigger
2012-10-23 03:16:30 PM  
1 vote:
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Welcome one and all to my new quiz-show NAME THAT PLAYER. I've taken some of the choicest cuts of statistical goodness and assembled them into a Fill In The Blank questions. It's your responsibility to guess who the statistical leader (or laggard) is for these semi obscure but surprisingly relevant stats. No looking on your classmate's papers, no shouting out the answers. Please write down how many answers you got right, and then shove it up your ass because I don't care how you did.

Today's quiz is 15 questions. Three categories. QBs, RBs, and Teams. Answers at the end. No peeking!

Section 1: Name that QB.

Question 1: If you're going to do a collection of statistical comparisons, why not start by comparing the stat that actually moves the chains, sustain drives, and keeps the other QB off the field? This QB leads the NFL in 3rd Down Conversions for passes at all distances.
Hint: This guy is no rookie, but he replaced one.

Question 2: Speaking of drive-sustaining, let's we look at the guy who has killed the most drives late in games so far this season. Let's consider this the anti-clutch award. This QB leads the league in 2nd half INTs.
Hint: This guy used to wear purple.

Question 3: We can't talk anti-clutch without awarding "clutch". Much has been said about a certain NY Quarterback about his "clutch" attributes this season but surprisingly Mr. Manning has not been the most accurate passer in late & close game situations. If you need a pass completed in a late and close game, this is your guy.
Hint: His TE had a unique injury to start the season.

Question 4: We all love the DAGRON passes, but the stat sheets lie about exactly how far that ball traveled in the air. Sometimes they're 40 yard bombs that fall into the receiver's hands. Other times that 40 yard pass was a 5 yard dump off. This QB has put his receivers in position to get Yards After Catch better than anyone in the league.
Hint: He's near the bottom of the "wins" stat.

Question 5: Antonio Brown is not a QB, but this week he attempted a pass which fell incomplete. This qualifies him for a QB Rating of 39.6, representing both how absurd the QB Rating can be, and also a mark for futility. Two starting QBs managed to finish the week without eclipsing Antonio Brown's mark as a passer... and one of them actually won! This guy was the losing QB.
Hint: Drafted by the Baltimore Orioles.

Section 2: Name That RB

Question 1: Much like the "Name that QB" section, we start with the chain mover. This guy churns his legs and falls over that yellow line more than anyone else in the game. Note that this is not percentage of rushes that are first downs, but total first downs secured by rushing.
Hint: Wears a jersey with identical numbers.

Question 2: Establishing the running game is important for every team not named the Green Bay Packers. While the "3 yards and a cloud of dust" result worked for some of the grinders back in the good old days, now the mark of a great RB is his ability to break the big plays. This RB has the most rushes of 10 yards or more so far this season.
Hint: Scored a "6" on his wonderlic test.

Question 3: Sure, big plays are nice and piling up first downs is good. But if you want a couple of hard yards on 3rd and short, you gotta have that bruiser that can just fall forward instead of dancing around behind the line like Barry Sanders on bath salts. A few players have converted 100% of their 3rd and short opportunities, but this guy has converted 8 out of 8 attempts making him the most successful short yardage bruiser so far this season.
Hint: Won both the Jim Brown and Doak Walker awards in 2008.

Question 4: Let's say that you're putting together a team. You're tired of Running By Committee. You want that Emmitt Smith type RB that will give you consistent production. You want a guy that keeps hitting the exhausted defenses and doesn't slow down. You want somebody with the highest YPC after 20 carries in every game. You want this guy.
Hint: Hit opposing defenses and teammates this week.

Question 5: You didn't think all the RB awards were going to be good, did you? This week, one back in particular stood out as a model of futility. 3 yards and a cloud of dust would have been a significant upgrade for this player, who walked out of week 7 with the worst yards per carry (minimum 10 carries). You can blame the offensive line, but this guy was the worst of week 7.
Hint: It was definitely not for lack of a passing game.

Section 3: Name That Team

Question 1: Some say that a balanced attack is the most important thing to a good offense. Some teams believe the run is used to set up the pass. Some teams run just to keep the defense "honest". This team says, "Fark that, we're gonna run and we're going to cram this ball down your throat." This team leads the NFL in percentage of running plays, bucking the trend of the NFL being a "pass first league".
Hint: Also highest % of trolling plays.

Question 2: Rushing as a high percentage of your plays might be good, but actually rushing for the most yards means more points, more time of possession, and more of the pretty stats people like to gawk at. This team offers a lot to gawk at, leading the NFL in total rushing yards from scrimmage.
Hint: Two rookies.

Question 3: Drops are drive-killers. They're career-killers. They're game killers. The worst thing for a QB is to hit his receiver in the hands and have it repulsed like a woman who saw Joe Flacco with his helmet off. In a week where drops came at absolutely crucial times, we turn our attention to which team has the most drops up to this point in the season. As a team, which squad is the alligator-armiest, the stone-handsiest, the Braylon-Edwardsiest?
Hint: 1st in most statistical categories, including this less-than-positive one.

Question 4: Which fantasy RB should you start this week? How about next week? And the week after that? Simply put, this team has the worst rush defense in the league in terms of yards allowed, and is subsequently getting their face stomped in by pretty much anyone who can hold a ball and propel themselves forward.
Hint: Considering this ranking, things look UUUUGGGGLLLLYYYYY for them next week.

Question 5: I know that nobody cares about anyone's fantasy team. But if your opponent is starting his #1 RB against any squad, you probably want it to be the best rush defense in the league. And these guys are the best in terms of rushing yards allowed. There's nothing more satisfying than staring at a matchup screen and seeing some stud RB put up 2 points because your opponent doesn't look at matchups.
Hint: Not exactly the defense's fault they're losing, but cry me a river.

Answers below!

Alright, pencils down. Here are your answers.

Section 1:
1. Best % First Downs on 3rd Down - Matt Hasselbeck (54.2%)
2. 2nd Half Interceptions (season) - Andy Dalton (7)
3. Pass Completion Percentage, Late & Close Game - Tony Romo (81.8%)
4. YAC Attack (season) - Brandon Weeden (1014 Yards After Catch)
5. Lower QB Rating than Antonio Brown (39.6) - Russell Wilson (38.7)

Section 2:
1. Most running 1st Downs - Stevan Ridley (41)
2. Big Play Rushes >10 yards - Frank Gore (23)
3. Best 3rd and Short Back - Shonn Greene (100%, 8/8)
4. Yds/Carry 21+ Carries - Ahmad Bradshaw (7.2)
5. Worst y/carry Week 7 (min 10 carries) - Alex Green (20 rush, 35 yards 1.8ypc)

Section 3:
1. Highest rushing percentage - Seattle Seahawks (54.6%)
2. Rushing Yards (combined) - Washington Redskins 1,244
3. Butterfingers Team - New England Patriots (19 dropped passes)
4. Worst Rush Defense - Bills (176.9 yards/game)
5. Best Rush Defense - Chargers (71.2 yards/game)
2012-10-23 02:41:40 PM  
1 vote:

Aarontology: downstairs: I vote we quit using ESPN for these dicussions until they stop with the lame auto-play video.

We can't change horses mid-stream. People have suggested we use different sources for our power rankings over the years & it almost always comes back to this: it's not that we think ESPN is the smartest or the coolest. They're the derpiest & therefore we have more ammo to make fun of them with.

It wouldn't be any fun if they were legitimate.

In before WHAR GRAF?

i.imgur.comView Full Size


Link to bigger
2012-10-23 01:55:48 PM  
1 vote:
So how do you come back from a dismal 6-8 performance in week 6? You nail down 10 of 13 this time around, with two of your losses coming via bone-headed plays in the final minutes of their respective games and the other just being a homer pick that you knew was probably going to be wrong, but had to make anyway. Seriously, though: Buffalo, Washington...fark you. Fark you with a whale dong in your idiotic, choking bungholes. Do you have any idea what 12-1 would feel like? No, of course you don't because you're the farking Buffalo Bills and the Washington farking Redskins. You exist solely to get the hopes of your fans up, year after agonizing year, only to send them crashing back to earth faster than an ultra-light piloted by the Honey Boo Boo family. You're like the horse that crashes out of the gate like a champion and then stops to take a shiat halfway through the race. You are the third part of the Godfather trilogy, and you should be ashamed of yourselves. Well, except for you, Robert Griffin, because you're the greatest thing to happen to football since cheerleaders.

Link to the original post if anyone's interested.

Seattle Seahawks at San Francisco 49ers:
Aside from a gross overestimation on the number of points, I pretty much nailed this. All the scheduling symmetry remains, and as a bonus I even came within 1 point of nailing the final spread. And while I realize that Alex Smith and Russell Wilson are not exactly Canton candidates at this point in their careers, 262 combined passing yards is pretty lame. 1-0

Tennessee Titans at Buffalo Bills:
So you have the ball at your own 39 yard-line, 3rd & 7, 3 minutes left in the game and a 6 point lead. You've already rushed for 166 yards in the game and you have a dude on your team who averages more than 7 yards/carry on the season. Your quarterback is Ryan Fitzpatrick. WHY THE FARK DO YOU THROW THE BALL??? Buffalo's defense had actually stopped the Titans on three consecutive drives at that point in the game, and had allowed just one score in the second half. Well, for some reason Fitzpatrick drops back, throws, gets picked off, and the rest is history Buffalo. 1-1

Dallas Cowboys at Carolina Panthers:
Surprisingly enough, a game between the two lowest-scoring teams in the conference ended with only three touchdowns being scored between both sides. The sophomore slump for Cam Newton continues, while the Cowboys continue to struggle with getting the ball into the end zone. A win is a win, but at some point Dallas will have to discover an offense if they want to contend. 2-1

Baltimore Ravens at Houston Texans:
In all honesty I expected this loss. Houston is a good, balanced team, and the Ravens are not (at least, not without Ray Lewis or Lardarius Webb on the defense). I definitely did not expect a 43-13 drubbing, though, and I doubt anyone else other than the most ardent Texans fan would have. What's really puzzling is Joe Flacco's Jekyll & Hyde act in games played at home vs. those on the road: Flacco maintains a sterling 106.6 passer rating in his four starts in Baltimore this season, but plunges to a 55.9 on the road. 2-2

Cleveland Browns at Indianapolis Colts:
So Brandon Weeden actually out-passed Andrew Luck on Sunday, throwing for more yards, a higher completion percentage, and 2 touchdowns vs. Luck's zero. The Colts' rookie did better on the ground, though, running for two scores, while Indy's defense...well, saying "kept the Browns in check" is kinda like stating "holds the grass down", but whatever. 3-2

Arizona Cardinals at Minnesota Vikings:
For once, I not only got the pick itself right but also nailed the logic behind it. Christian Ponder completed just 8 passes for 58 yards (unless you count throws completed to the Cardinals), but Adrian Peterson dominated on the ground and the Vikings' defense did the rest. 4-2

Washington Redskins at New York Giants:
How? The fark? Do you? Give up? A 77-yard touchdown pass? While nursing a 3-point lead? With 83 farking seconds left in the game???? Honorable mention goes to Santana Moss for coughing up RG3's chances to lead another "game-winning" drive in the final two minutes, but seriously...there is no way you can surrender the deep ball in that scenario, and even less way you can allow it to go for the score. Every Washington defensive back on the field for that play should dock himself a game's pay and personally apologize to me for spoiling my second consecutive epic upset pick. Or just donate those checks to me, that'll work too. 4-3

Green Bay Packers at St. Louis Rams:
I seriously doubt Aaron Rodgers throws another 6 touchdowns here (St. Louis has only allowed 4 TD passes all season), but if he can lead the Pack to 24 points it should be enough.
Rodgers discount double-checked his way to three TD passes, and the 30-20 final proved me conclusively correct on that 24-point prediction. I love it when a plan comes together. 5-3

New Orleans Saints at Tampa Bay Buccaneers:
A second straight monster game for Josh Freeman kept this one close, but as predicted Drew Brees and the Saints' passing game was just too much for Tampa Bay to handle. There were two rather surprising events in the game, however: New Orleans actually ran for a touchdown (only their third of the season), and nobody scored for the entire third quarter. 6-3

New York Jets at New England Patriots:
Okay, so the Patriots won and predictably a Mark Sanchez miscue ended the game in OT, but as a New England fan I would have to be mortified by the fact that their secondary allowed Sanchez to complete nearly 70% of his passes, while throwing for over 300 yards for the just 7th time in his 54-game career. That performance so addled the brain of commentator Jim Nantz that he thought New York had actually won the game. 7-3

Jacksonville Jaguars at Oakland Raiders:
The battle of this conference's two lowest-scoring teams offered up quite a few more points than the NFC version, but oh, the poor Jaguars. As if the offense wasn't offensive enough, Maurice Jones-Drew is out at least through next weekend & possibly quite a bit longer with a foot injury, and Chad Henne actually found a way not to create a quarterback controversy after coming in for injured starter Blaine Gabbert. All this while the Raiders somehow managed to barely beat Jacksonville. 8-3

Pittsburgh Steelers at Cincinnati Bengals:
So with injuries to their top two running backs Pittsburgh turns to Jonathan Dwyer, who managed 123 yards on 16 carries last season. And of course Dwyer rushes for 122 on 17 attempts in this one, providing a much-needed respite for Ben Roethlisberger and the Steelers' receivers. Andy Dalton had a day best forgotten, completing just 14 of 28 passes for 105 yards, while A.J. Green caught just one throw for an 8-yard touchdown. 9-3

Detroit Lions at Chicago Bears:
Just like everyone expected, Matthew Stafford and Jay Cutler combined for 1 turnover in a 13-7 Bears victory. Seriously, though, what on earth happened to the Lions' hands (paws?)? Six fumbles (3 lost) in a single game would be bad even for Philadelphia. 10-3
2012-10-23 01:41:32 PM  
1 vote:

downstairs: I vote we quit using ESPN for these dicussions until they stop with the lame auto-play video.

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