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(Gawker)   Dearest Friends, Thank you for agreeing to be a bridesmaid, here are some guidelines for you to follow. Please be aware that if you cannot commit the next six-months of your lives to me then you will be replaced, but you are still invited to attend   ( divider line
    More: Asinine  
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23662 clicks; posted to Main » on 05 Oct 2012 at 10:05 AM (5 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2012-10-05 10:18:47 AM  
13 votes:
i46.tinypic.comView Full Size
2012-10-05 10:14:57 AM  
10 votes:
It's not a coronation, b*tch. It's a wedding.
2012-10-05 10:13:54 AM  
9 votes:
My BFF is getting married in a few weeks and I'm her maid of honor. It's her third marriage so she is being awesomely low key about it. My instructions so far are show up, wear something pink or black. And she gave me a nifty badge that reads "Best biatch."
2012-10-05 10:15:38 AM  
7 votes:
If my friends have a "big roll" for me, they'd better have a lighter, some Doritos, and a can of air freshener to go with it.
2012-10-05 04:31:57 PM  
3 votes:

zabadu: 1981. I'm the one in polyester. Think the dress cost $80 at the time.
[ image 720x479]

Was that picture taken before or after the two of you recorded "Dreamboat Annie"?
2012-10-05 11:54:54 AM  
3 votes:
Don't forget the Divorce Party on September 15th. I expect you all to attend and listen to me whine about what a beast Jake was. Bring a gift and a premium bottle of Vodak. If you can't afford Grey Goose or better, don't bother coming!

Then we will start all over with my marriage to Raul, the pool boy from the hotel in Las Vegas. We'll need to move fast since he is in the country on a Visa and it'll expire soon.
2012-10-05 11:14:44 AM  
3 votes:

Summer Glau's Love Slave: Bride sounds fat.

/Dear Jake,
///Run until your feet bleed, bandage them, run some more.

Actually she sounds like she's annoyingly skinny but only because she eats a tiny salad every day and then biatches and moan to everyone she knows about how hungry she is.

And yeah, Jake, just carry this e-mail with you and there isn't a door of a single guy's house anywhere in America that will be shut for you. Hell even us sanely maried folks will help Mi Couch es Su Couch
2012-10-05 10:54:13 AM  
3 votes:

trendkill: [ image 323x400]

ytrewq.comView Full Size

2012-10-05 10:24:51 AM  
3 votes:

content8.flixster.comView Full Size
2012-10-05 10:15:09 AM  
3 votes:
Bride sounds fat.

/Dear Jake,
///Run until your feet bleed, bandage them, run some more.
2012-10-05 10:12:25 AM  
3 votes:
your going to the wrong wedding.

Is it your wedding? Then, yeah, definitely the wrong wedding.
2012-10-05 10:08:18 AM  
3 votes:
At an airport the other day, I saw a young woman walk by with a t-shirt with the number "1" on the back and "MAID OF HONOR" as if it was her name on a sports jersey. A moment later, two more walked by with numbers and "BRIDESMAID."
2012-10-05 09:49:20 AM  
3 votes:
Tank it!
2012-10-05 12:02:50 PM  
2 votes:
Bridezilla? nononononono... a Bridezilla would get crushed by a b*tch like this. This is a case of a Bridethulhu.

media.offbeatbride.comView Full Size

Just started planning a wedding myself. I told my sister, the only attendant I'm having, to pimp slap me anytime I get unreasonable.
2012-10-05 11:38:26 AM  
2 votes:
i.imgur.comView Full Size


2012-10-05 11:27:48 AM  
2 votes:

vonapathy: JohnAnnArbor: BrynnMacFlynn: ... Okay, wives of Fark, be honest, is it really necessary to be a complete biatch? Do you wish you'd been a bridezilla if only a little? Did it really ruin your entire life to not control every little detail of the wedding?

/important because I'm hoping and hoping that the boyfriend will propose soon

Break out of gender roles. Propose to him.


Also, break out of the wedding industrial complex; it only exists to give you an inferiority complex and take your money!!! Go to Vegas, or just the local courthouse and get it over with. *shrug* that's what I did. Proposed to my fella, bought my own ring, bought my own cocktail 'wedding' dress (wasn't even white), headed to the court house, got a friend to take some photos of us at the zoo, had an awesome Brazilian steak dinner with our friends and family, got absolutely BAKED and sauced at the after party.

/there's a reason our wedding was on 4/20......

How many steaks?!?! You MUST have been baked.
2012-10-05 11:04:50 AM  
2 votes:
So to demonstrate how important her friends are to her, she demands the following tribute:

• Trip to New York or Connecticut for engagement party, plus food, lodging and transportation
• Gift for bridal shower
• Trip to Las Vegas, plus food & lodging, plus transportation & entertainment for bachelorette party
• Wedding gift
• Bridesmaid dress, shoes, accessories, special hair & nails
• Trip to Vail, Colorado to attend the wedding, plus food, lodging and transportation

She's "honoring" her friends by demanding they pony up at least $3000? Probably a lot more. These are the sacred marriages we, as a nation, are "defending" from gays?

"All right, ladies -- empty your wallets. And I'll need your debit cards and PIN numbers too. NOW!"

cast.thirdage.comView Full Size
2012-10-05 11:03:51 AM  
2 votes:
I legitimately feel bad for Jake. Every time he steps in an elevator, he's going to pray the cable snaps because she's destroyed his manhood so much he no longer has the courage to put a gun in his mouth.
2012-10-05 10:45:52 AM  
2 votes:
mtaram.comView Full Size
2012-10-05 10:12:55 AM  
2 votes:
Tank It Lemon!
2012-10-05 10:07:05 AM  
2 votes:
Considering the bride's grasp of English, how the hell did she make the money to pay for trips to Vegas and expensive Colorado ski resorts?

/yes, yes, i know what the fark answer will be.
2012-10-05 09:56:41 AM  
2 votes:
"Dearest Bride and Former Friend,

Go squat and piss up a tree.

Love, Me."

/only response that is appropriate to coonts like that
2012-10-05 09:31:26 AM  
2 votes:
Hope for the groom's sake that he sees this and runs screaming for the exit.
2012-10-05 05:30:53 PM  
1 vote:
1981. I'm the one in polyester. Think the dress cost $80 at the time.
imageshack.usView Full Size

KatjaMouse: Beanlet: To anyone who is planning a wedding, this is awesome advice. I'm not sure about the 4 grand, I have no idea what it costs now.. but make sure your photog has a good reputation and isn't a sleazeball. My SIL (mentioned above, the one straight from hell) recommended this guy and he was such a pervert. He wanted me to do all kinds of porn star poses in my dress. I only wish I was kidding.

I fell in love with a photographer I met at a bridal expo last month. A bride believed so much in her work that she drove out from Pennsylvania with her own wedding album to help run her booth. And she didn't have just a dozen photos on display, she had almost 100 plus that bride's own album which was just shot after shot of amazing. And on top of that this chick is fun. She even did this fun zombie engagement session:

[ image 310x206][ image 310x206][ image 310x206]

And my sister told me that she wants to do a vintage pin-up photo session with this woman as my Bachlorette party.

God, I hate this trend.

aphyd: zabadu: 1981. I'm the one in polyester. Think the dress cost $80 at the time.
[ image 720x479]

Was that picture taken before or after the two of you recorded "Dreamboat Annie"?

Actually, during. It was a long summer with Ann.
2012-10-05 03:39:22 PM  
1 vote:
When I get married, I am getting a small herd of goats from my family. My guests will be asked to either: keep their money and think of us fondly the next time they lift a glass, or if they insist - they are more than welcome to bring a gift that would be fun for all, like a water wiggle or a some lawn darts.

The goats, because I am from a rural, southern family and I am in negotiations on a small farm right now. If all goes well, my mama has promised me some fainting goats because I like them and think they are funny. If I married, she would derive great pleasure in trussing a few up in flowers and walking them up to me at my wedding.

The, who needs another thing from the Pottery Barn? I'm just going to have to sweep it up when the iguana decides that some gorgeous vase looks like a great place to practice his suprise ninja leap attacks? Then I'll feel bad.
2012-10-05 01:31:58 PM  
1 vote:

mrs.parker: After reading this thread it's clear to me that everyone so proud of Converse footwear at their weddings are part of a large and unimaginative crowd.

We're doing it as an homage to Doctor Who without being overt about it. Though, would've been nice to be able to afford the TARDIS groom's cake we wanted. Oh well.
2012-10-05 01:06:55 PM  
1 vote:

kiwimoogle84: mrs.parker: After reading this thread it's clear to me that everyone so proud of Converse footwear at their weddings are part of a large and unimaginative crowd.

No, we're happy we aren't the only ones who decided to go against the norm of stuffy tux shoes and heels. We all did it in different ways. And I'm completely certain your wedding was 100% original- you had it in a treehouse dressed in Tarzan and Jane outfits, right? Oh wait, I know someone else who did that. YOU'RE UNIMAGINATIVE!

Lighten up, buzzkill.

Don't be too hard on her. It sounds like her feet hurt and that makes everyone cranky :p
2012-10-05 12:45:10 PM  
1 vote:
After reading this thread it's clear to me that everyone so proud of Converse footwear at their weddings are part of a large and unimaginative crowd.
2012-10-05 12:19:39 PM  
1 vote:
My sister's wedding: The two of them, his parents, my parents, his best friend (who just happened to be free at the time). House of a Justice of the Peace. 10 min bit and then dinner at the greek restaurant down the street. *I* wasn't even there.

She did have a "reception". It was just a party scheduled a month later. I mean, a decent one, but still very laid back. And it really was mostly an excuse to get a large number of friends and family in once place, eat awesome food, and rent a penguin.
2012-10-05 12:15:15 PM  
1 vote:
I invited my "best girlfriend" L. to be the maid of honor (and in fact, my only attendant). It was a small formal ceremony, nothing lavish, and all I asked of her was that she show up and wear something appropriate. No shower, no parties, no expensive travel or hotel stays, just be there for me.

She did throw me a "bachelorette" party of sorts the week before the wedding -- she took me and some friend of hers I'd never met before to a Bennigan's, where we drank a lot of revolting shots with "sexy" names and I spent most of my evening trying to get L. to stop insisting that our waiter strip "for me". (I ended up slipping him an extra $20 and a note of apology on the way out.)

On the day of the wedding, we ended up leaving for the wedding chapel without her because she hadn't shown up yet, and left her a note on the door with the address of the venue in hopes that she'd show up. She did -- 10 minutes before the ceremony was due to start -- wearing a ratty, shapeless black polyester shirt and blouse, asking if I had a spare pair of stockings because she hadn't shaved her legs. (Or brushed her hair. Or put on makeup.) One of my other guests dragged her off to the rest room to tidy her up, and was thanked by L. calling her a biatch for gently suggesting she wasn't entirely presentable. She never did buy us a gift, though she had previously offered to buy us the bed of our choice up to $500, but that didn't bother me at all until years later...

I wasn't especially upset about any of it, really, I just kind of wished I had instead asked the friend who had so generously made my dress (by which time I had already asked the other friend) instead of L. -- that friend showed up on time and helped me get dressed, did my hair, held my hand, and generally did all the stuff one would generally expect of the MoH. I still feel kind of bad about it.

Cut to 10 years or so later. L. was getting married, and despite being Wiccan and having grown up in a secular Jewish household, she had decided to have a huge, lavish Xtian-style wedding with all the trimmings -- rented mansion, five attendants, and of course the big poofy white dress with the butt bow. (Officiated, however, by a pagan high priest and priestess wearing goofy robes.) To her credit, she did pay for the whole thing out of her own pocket -- $30k or so -- except, of course, for the expenses of her attendants. She asked me to be her maid of honor. Stupidly, I agreed to fly cross-country on my own dime and buy the dress of her choice in order to do this.

The first bridesmaid dresses she picked out were beautiful, a lovely pale peach shantung with a cut that wasn't too bridesmaidy and could easily have been cut down into a very rewearable knee-length sheath after the wedding. Unfortunately, it turned out that the size 18 (I wore a 12, but we were warned they ran "a little small") was still too small for me, and for two of the other bridesmaids as well. (It apparently fit the size 8 bridesmaid just fine.) L. picked out a different dress, one that came in sizes up to 24, and without consulting me, went ahead and ordered the 24 on my behalf (I had to pay her back) on the assumption that these other dresses would run as small as the first choice.

The dress turned out to be royal purple brocade -- much too heavy and dark for an outdoor wedding in Maryland in August -- and the size was true, which meant it was in fact *twice* my size. There was a month left to go, but L. was so terrified that if I tried to send it back I might not get the replacement in time that she insisted I have it altered to fit.

When I took it to a seamstress, she looked at me like I was crazy and said she'd basically have to completely take it apart and re-cut the fabric and put it back together, and that would cost me $250. Which I paid, because I wanted it to look right. When I got the dress back, she'd done a complete hack job on it; it didn't hang right, was still too big, and made me look like that girl in Willy Wonka who turned into a giant blueberry. Since it had taken her three weeks to alter it, there was no time to try to get it fixed.

My boyfriend and I were able to arrange to stay with his parents, but neither of us could take off enough work to be in Maryland for more than a couple of nights, so we weren't able to be there for the wedding rehearsal or dinner. By the time we arrived, L. had worked herself into a gigantic snit, and as soon as I was dressed on the day of the wedding she threw me out in favor of having the other bridesmaids assist her. On the up side, that freed me up to mingle, so I got to have a nice chat with a very prominent television journalist who turned out to be somehow related to L.'s fiance, but that was pretty much the high point of the whole event; the ceremony was interminable and exceedingly dull, and by the end of it I had sweated completely through the hideous purple gown, which, of course, I never wore again, and in fact threw away during a move a few years back because I was sick of looking at it.

Oh, and the postscript: in her "thank you" note for my gift, she actually complained that I hadn't chosen it from her registry. (I couldn't afford most of what was on it -- Lalique crystal, for god's sake, when I knew perfectly well she never personally shopped anywhere fancier than Target. I felt like a $150 gravy boat in her chosen china pattern was a pretty meaningless gift for the marriage of a friend of nearly 20 years, so I got them a nice gift for their house that actually reflected their personalities.

/A few months later I received an engraved pewter cup commemorating the wedding. I had no idea what to do with it, so I use it for loose change.
2012-10-05 11:46:46 AM  
1 vote:
I bet they aren't even going to have vodka or marinated herring.

2012-10-05 11:43:47 AM  
1 vote:
See, and I fully expect my next proposal will be something like this- he looks in my eyes and asks "will you continue being the chaos to my order for the rest of our perverted and sinful lives?"

And then we have a 20's themed party where the dress code is garters for women and cuff links for men, and no gifts, just buy us a drink.

It'd fit perfectly.
2012-10-05 11:39:03 AM  
1 vote:

Expolaris: blatz514: /always a groomsmen, never a groom.

[ image 480x360]

Give any good speeches?

Was only best man once. But my best friend had thee best "best man speech" evar.

"Wine'm, dine'm, sixty-nine'm"
2012-10-05 11:30:44 AM  
1 vote:
We have all the event details, and I'm assuming names haven't been changed because nobody involved is innocent. How about a thousand rowdy farkers show up, with gifts and significant others in tow? The police will have to be summoned. If the kids on 4chan get wind of it, they'll have to call in the National Guard.
2012-10-05 11:26:51 AM  
1 vote:
Evil hag. You aren't the center of the universe.
2012-10-05 11:17:03 AM  
1 vote:
She's probably from fairfield county. All the girls are like this there. They all grew up rich and affluent while getting to party in NYC anytime they want. They grew up with a warped sense of fairness. It's pretty bad for the guys as most of the jobs and economic opportunities are soaked up by the boomers still and not many openings for the entry level folks. But after college these girls expect their boyfriends to offer them the same luxorious lifestyle their daddies did, and here, 80k a year might be considered scraping by (indeed with COLA it often is). Unless Daddy gave you something to inherit, the best opportunities usually come by leaving.

Anyways, expect them to be divorced in two years.
2012-10-05 11:05:36 AM  
1 vote:

unfarkingbelievable: I hope and pray that the groom literally strands her at the altar -- doesn't show up at all. That's what this c*nt deserves.

Better yet he comes to the wedding with a stripper he met the night before and decides to marry HER - right there, on the spot.
2012-10-05 11:04:21 AM  
1 vote:
Jake, if you need a safe place to hide out, email me.

/Run, man!
2012-10-05 10:56:27 AM  
1 vote:

dotvincent: a week after agreeing to be MOH (the only person in her bridal party), she excluded me from the engagement party because I didn't have a serious boyfriend.

Well sure, you'd have spoiled the Love Vibe with your loveless singletude. The nerve. You could at least have taken on a boyfriend for the event. Really quite selfish of you, I think.
2012-10-05 10:54:08 AM  
1 vote:

Langdon Alger: sweet moses so many things about this that just piss me off. But poor Jake. I bet she has told him "i know we are already having sex, but lets wait until the honeymoon to have sex again. Then it will be special" Get ready hoss, because this will be the first of many reasons she can't have sex. She's roped you in with the good bait (p*ssy), and now she has the power to dangle it in front of you so you'll go to home depot and look at color swatches, take out the trash, or have a baby that you never wanted.

ROFL! I know a girl who told her Guy they should stop having sex and focus on their relationship (and religion). 2 months later, they're rushing through wedding plans so they will be married before she starts showing. They weren't fast enough tho...
2012-10-05 10:50:35 AM  
1 vote:
After reading this i'm glad my brother's Fiancee is a level headed woman - a very cut and dry lawyer to go with his very cut and dry engineer mindset.

They are more interested in being together, than the wedding itself. They even pushed back their wedding a few months so they could close on their new house - where the wedding itself is being held.

sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.netView Full Size

The ceremony is going to look great in their gazebo (if we can defeat it).

/this article just reaffirmed the type of woman i do not want to involve myself with
//I really hope my Bro's Lady has some hot friends to be bridesmaids...
2012-10-05 10:46:48 AM  
1 vote:

fruitloop: Summer Glau's Love Slave: Bride sounds fat.

/Dear Jake,
///Run until your feet bleed, bandage them, run some more.

But her parents sound looooooooooooooooadeeeeeeeeeeeeed...

Not enough money in the world.
2012-10-05 10:41:22 AM  
1 vote:

flucto: Hope for the groom's sake that he sees this and runs screaming for the exit.


/On another note, I hope her wedding gets a nice "surprise" in the sense that a suicide bomber crashes the event. Bride-to-be has to have her remains scooped up via tweezers while the groom-to-be lives to see another (happier) day. And f*ck the bride's family for raising such a c*nt!!!
2012-10-05 10:40:55 AM  
1 vote:

CapeFearCadaver: vonapathy: honey, you're not ready to get married.

Because she wants her man to propose to her?

No, cause she referred to herself has having a princess mentality.
2012-10-05 10:40:29 AM  
1 vote:
What an utterly useless twatwaddle she must be.
2012-10-05 10:33:41 AM  
1 vote:

BrynnMacFlynn: JohnAnnArbor: Break out of gender roles. Propose to him.

:( I dun wanna. In all seriousness, while I am a "WOO FEMINISM" kind of gal on just about every other subject, I still have that 'princess' mentality when it comes to the proposal. I'm not going to be a bridezilla (just takes way too much effort and energy), but I do insist that he propose.


honey, you're not ready to get married.
2012-10-05 10:29:54 AM  
1 vote:
Yeah but men are the immature ones for not wanting to get married....
2012-10-05 10:27:13 AM  
1 vote:

Crackers Are a Family Food: [ image 454x627]

Hahahaha. I had gotten to that exact point with someone once... I had fun; they didn't, but I did.
2012-10-05 10:25:59 AM  
1 vote:

SlothB77: Considering the bride's grasp of English, how the hell did she make the money to pay for trips to Vegas and expensive Colorado ski resorts?

/yes, yes, i know what the fark answer will be.

She had the good sense and put in the hard work necessary to be born to wealth parents.
2012-10-05 10:24:52 AM  
1 vote:

Summer Glau's Love Slave: Bride sounds fat.

/Dear Jake,
///Run until your feet bleed, bandage them, run some more.

But her parents sound looooooooooooooooadeeeeeeeeeeeeed...
2012-10-05 10:24:08 AM  
1 vote:
I think Jake will be fine, he's going to be at work on Wall Street all the time anyway. He'll have his share of whores and mistresses. For people of this lifestyle this is no more than a business arrangement. You don't get this self centered without a high level of wealth and privilege. I pity them in that there is probably no true love there, kinda sad really.
2012-10-05 10:20:08 AM  
1 vote:
white women problems
2012-10-05 10:19:51 AM  
1 vote:
Anyone remember the movie City Slickers with Billy Crystal? Daniel Stern's character's, Phil, wife?
2012-10-05 10:19:50 AM  
1 vote:

markfara: It's not a coronation, b*tch. It's a wedding.

I lol'd.
2012-10-05 10:14:00 AM  
1 vote:

HotWingConspiracy: I'll show up and party at your pre-divorce ceremony, but please don't assume I'll excitedly offer free labor and time because it's your special day.

You sound like as good of a friend as the biatch in the article.
2012-10-05 10:13:54 AM  
1 vote:

KarmicDisaster: Advice to groom, run.

Running may not be fast enough... someone get on their motorcycle and have him jump on.
2012-10-05 10:12:25 AM  
1 vote:
Free advice for young Fark guys. If a woman expects you to put up with this shiat for her "special day" - just don't. This crap doesn't magically end on your wedding day. She'll want the perfect honeymoon, the perfect house, the perfect car, your undivided attention for every trivial thing in her life and it will never end. First wedding? I played this game and within 4 years we were divorced. I simply couldn't take it. My second marriage? We jumped a plane to vegas, got married in street clothes, and spent our honeymoon being tourists in the Grand Canyon and floating down a river. That was 18 years ago. I love her more today than I did then.
2012-10-05 10:11:51 AM  
1 vote:
1% problems
2012-10-05 10:11:41 AM  
1 vote:

lackadaisicalfreakshow: Soooo glad the wedding I was in last weekend wasn't hosted by a bridezilla. But then I doubt I'd be friends with her if she was some sort of entitled twitbag like this. Why do these people even HAVE friends?

Because people are tards.
2012-10-05 09:52:08 AM  
1 vote:
I'm betting some creature from the Jersey Shore wrote these demands.
2012-10-05 09:50:09 AM  
1 vote:
Jake, for the love of god, boy... run like hell.
2012-10-05 09:47:57 AM  
1 vote:
The poor guy will be wanting a divorce by Labor Day in 2013.
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