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(TwinCities.com)   For the first time in its 46 year history, the Int'l Chili Society is allowing beans in The World Chili Cook-off. Do not fear the winds of change, my friends   ( twincities.com) divider line
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3872 clicks; posted to Main » on 30 Sep 2012 at 8:37 AM (5 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2012-09-30 01:34:33 PM  
3 votes:
Surprised no one posted this yet:

Thursday, January 08, 2009
Yankee Judging a Texas Chili Cook-off
Please note, Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Boston.

Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing right there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3.

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:


Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Warning! Danger! Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.


Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shiat-faced from
all of the beer.


Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. biatch is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?


Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili may have given me permanent brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.


Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except for Sally. Can't feel my lips OR my face anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.


Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot.. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted when we started tasting some really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report.
2012-09-30 09:06:00 AM  
3 votes:
Fifty years ago, Bullwinkle said: "Eenie, meenie, chili beanie." That's authority enough for me.

And it also explains his next line: "The spirits are about to speak."
2012-09-30 08:45:25 AM  
3 votes:

Equilibrist: Another tip: Add a can of refried beans to a loose chili. Tightens it up and really adds some body.

That works for loose stools, too.
2012-09-30 02:30:50 PM  
2 votes:

KrispyKritter: West Virginia? From all the huffing and puffing one always hears about chili I thought this competition would be held in the land of steers and queers. Go figure.


andyellwood.comView Full Size
2012-09-30 10:03:43 AM  
2 votes:
When the lighting in the kitchen is not adequate, ground cinnamon looks a lot like ground cumin sitting in the spice rack. Thus my first batch of cinnamon chili was born. It smelled as bad as one would imagine. I ate two bowls of it just to make sure it wasn't the next great thing in culinary creations. It wasn't.
2012-09-30 09:22:00 AM  
2 votes:
I drop a turkey neck in mine just to have something unpleasant-looking protruding from the chili as it cooks.
2012-09-30 05:05:52 AM  
2 votes:
The original chili recipe was dried peppers and venison because the men exploring the continent, the Spanish, were out for LONG expeditions and it's easier to carry a bag of dried peppers and look for deer than it is to carry as much food as you actually need.

In Texas, they like to INSIST that you don't use beans in the chili. But then they use beef instead. Might as well add skittles at that point of authenticity.
2012-09-30 09:41:51 PM  
1 vote:

FirstNationalBastard: I cannot believe how many seemingly sane, rational people believe that you can have chili without beans.

I didn't know that so many supported communism, terrorism, and hated puppies and freedom.

Unfortunately, even yuck crap like Wolf and Hormel had to label their chili different due to the morons who bought it thinking it had beans in it.

Back in the day when you bought a can of chili at the store, you bought....

(a) Chili
(b) Chili w/Beans

Now you buy...

(a) Chili without Beans
(b) Chili w/Beans

I blame poor people who don't understand that beans in chili are only there to replace the meat that would be there if they weren't so damn poor.
2012-09-30 12:05:04 PM  
1 vote:
"Chili with beans" makes as much sense as "kosher ham."
2012-09-30 11:27:31 AM  
1 vote:
artstormfineart.comView Full Size
2012-09-30 10:45:06 AM  
1 vote:
farm9.staticflickr.comView Full Size

Don't know where I found this, (photoshop contest?) but I've been waiting a long time to use it. Thank you, owner/artist!
2012-09-30 10:37:19 AM  
1 vote:
A chili thread, yeah!
i50.tinypic.comView Full Size
2012-09-30 10:09:02 AM  
1 vote:

davidphogan: What's the point of chili without beans?

It shows that you're a damn Texan, which ironically, is something Texans are proud of..
2012-09-30 10:04:46 AM  
1 vote:

Gulper Eel: I drop a turkey neck in mine just to have something unpleasant-looking protruding from the chili as it cooks.

That's hilarious and disgusting. Troll on!
2012-09-30 09:44:45 AM  
1 vote:

ndeans: fark THAT NOISE!

The first commandment of chili states:

Thine chili shalt hath no beans.

The word of the Lord

Well, sure, if you're like a mormon or a scientologist or some weirdo like that.
2012-09-30 09:32:09 AM  
1 vote:
+1 subby

takethepiss.comView Full Size
2012-09-30 09:16:32 AM  
1 vote:
Chili has beans, and my roomie from Texas will not eat it. Insists it's not to have beans. I say that he needs to get over his insecurities and just it as is.
2012-09-30 09:10:55 AM  
1 vote:

NIXON YOU DOLT!!!!!: Frederick: My wifes secret ingrediant -shh, dont tell- bacon.

If you plan on leaving her anytime soon, call me!

And have your wife call me! I love bacon!
2012-09-30 08:58:18 AM  
1 vote:

Benjimin_Dover: What is the point of a contest of chili makers if they have to use the exact same list of ingredients? Are they competing on who can come up with the best proportions of those ingredients?

It's an A$$hold burning competition.
Used to be, Shredded mild chilies, and shredded meat and garlic to kill the germs, and tomato acid to llikk bacteria.
Then came the beans as a protien substitute for los pobres.
Then came the fancy chilies.
Then it got weird. Chocolate chips and beer weird.
The it became a spectacle of how hot can you make it and still eat it?

Meh. Si lo quiro, me gusta chilie de la casa.
2012-09-30 05:48:51 AM  
1 vote:

Death Eats a Cracker: I plan to come back to this thread later hoping to see some kick ass Farker chili recipes.

My wifes secret ingrediant -shh, dont tell- bacon.

But you have to cook it first before you put it in the chili. A coworker misunderstood me on that previously and ruined his chili.
2012-09-30 04:07:58 AM  
1 vote:
What's the point of chili without beans?
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