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(Des Moines Register)   A real son of a beech has birched the codes of a civilized society and has stolen walnut trees from federal lands. Now he pines away in jail feeling like an ash and wishing he had pecan somebody his own size   ( divider line
    More: Interesting, fly ashes, society, United States Code, jail  
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2577 clicks; posted to Main » on 08 Sep 2012 at 4:00 PM (5 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

39 Comments     (+0 »)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
2012-09-08 02:23:00 PM  
His lawyer maple some strings to try to make things all oakay.

/the larch
2012-09-08 03:25:49 PM  
Willow wonder if he's sorry fir his crimes...
2012-09-08 03:27:49 PM  
He was just aspen for it
2012-09-08 03:30:03 PM  

bingethinker: His lawyer maple some strings to try to make things all oakay.

/the larch

Or we could wind up watching hemlock himself up for a good long time.
2012-09-08 03:58:30 PM  
oak a.
2012-09-08 04:04:11 PM  
Redwood splinters
2012-09-08 04:05:33 PM  
Maybe in prison he'll see some giant redwoods.
2012-09-08 04:06:10 PM  
upload.wikimedia.orgView Full Size

2012-09-08 04:07:28 PM  

Kumana Wanalaia: Maybe in prison he'll see some giant redwoods.

Also some black walnuts.
2012-09-08 04:09:31 PM  
He would always talk about writing that treatise on 80's horror movies.
2012-09-08 04:14:12 PM  
Well, nuts.
2012-09-08 04:16:57 PM  
Was he a buckeye?
2012-09-08 04:19:57 PM  
Son of a birch, I've heard it elm now..
2012-09-08 04:20:59 PM  
He just did it for a larch.
2012-09-08 04:27:47 PM  

/also, the larch
2012-09-08 04:28:48 PM  
That's the King's forest.
2012-09-08 04:31:34 PM  
I don't understand what you are trying say with your headline, it made no sense.
2012-09-08 04:37:51 PM  
entertainmentrundown.comView Full Size

2012-09-08 04:38:32 PM  
I am rooting for the law in this case.
2012-09-08 04:41:27 PM  
Acacia hadn't noticed, I don't cedar real accusations standing up in court.
2012-09-08 04:42:57 PM  
This makes me think about all those huge old black walnut trees in Rouge Park in Detroit (still).

"Stealing scrap metal", though? I would think that's cleaning stuff up on federal land, unless someone else had just collected it for recycling,
2012-09-08 04:57:02 PM  
upload.wikimedia.orgView Full Size

There is unrest in the forest,
There is trouble with the trees,
For the maples want more sunlight
And the oaks ignore their pleas.

The trouble with the maples,
(And they're quite convinced the're right)
They say the oaks are just too lofty
And they grab up all the light.
But the oaks can't help their feelings
If they like the way they're made.
And they wonder why the maples
Can't be happy in their shade.

There is trouble in the Forest,
And the Creatures all have fled,
As the Maples scream oppression,
And the Oaks just shake their heads.

So the maples formed a union
And demanded equal rights.
"These oaks are just too greedy;
We will make them give us light."
Now there's no more oak oppression,
For they passed a noble law,
And the trees are all kept equal
By hatchet, axe, and saw.

/Rush sucks
2012-09-08 05:04:38 PM  
I hope they make him spruce up his cell every day.
2012-09-08 05:05:53 PM  

cedarpark: Me

/also, the larch

I cedar what you did there.
2012-09-08 05:12:57 PM  
i charge the defendant with MANY DELIGHTFUL PUNS

i.ytimg.comView Full Size
2012-09-08 05:47:38 PM  
Apparently, the case is going to be retried in apple-at court
2012-09-08 06:34:29 PM  
A beech tree and a birch tree grow on opposite sides of a meadow. When a sapling sprouts in the middle of the meadow, the trees start arguing. One says it's a son of a birch; the other says it's a son of a beech. Then one day, a woodpecker flies to the meadow and starts pecking at the birch. The birch asks the woodpecker if it would settle the argument. So the woodpecker flies to the sapling and gives it a few pecks. It flies back to the birch and says

"It's not a son of a birch, and it's not a son of a beech. I'll tell you what it is: that is the nicest piece of ash I've ever stuck my pecker in."
2012-09-08 07:27:53 PM  

Rufus Lee King: Ok, that was my last Monty Python reference.

Devolving_Spud started it; not my fault, anyway..

No I didn't.

//here comes another one
2012-09-08 07:46:36 PM  
Son-of-a beech is pining away in jail now,
Good I'll bet he's petrified.
2012-09-08 07:50:39 PM  
Nothing new around here.
My uncle had some property on the east side of the fairgrounds in Des Moines. Back in the 80s while he was south for the winter someone drove through the gate with a semi and unloaded a bulldozer. They took three days to clear out all the huge old walnut trees and even removed the stumps and hauled everything out on the trailer (multiple loads) that brought in the bulldozer. The holes where the stumps were taken out could easily fit a VW bug in them. The neighbors figured he had sold the trees because they didn't think anyone would be so brazen to steal them in broad daylight over a period of a few days.
2012-09-08 09:14:20 PM  

Jixa: /Rush sucks

Go step on a Lego
2012-09-08 10:05:52 PM  
In the Ozarks, that's known as Grandmawing.

As in, "Yes, I was grandmawing Ol' Simmon's timber"


"Where'd you get all them cherry logs from?"
"I cut 'em down from grandmaw's place."
2012-09-08 10:26:48 PM  
His bark is worse than his bite, butternut like this should be locked up so he doesn't branch out into other kinds of crime. Send him to prison and don't let him leaves until a bunch of poplar prisoners use his sassafras with their hardwood and nuts.
2012-09-08 11:53:29 PM  
He stole alder trees?
2012-09-09 12:26:56 AM  

Rufus Lee King: shirtsbyeric: He stole alder trees?

I didn't think there were any puns left, but there you are. Not too bad.

Keep yer pinion to yerself.
2012-09-09 12:45:39 AM  
A+, subby
2012-09-09 07:25:48 AM  

wrenchboy: Jixa: /Rush sucks

Go step on a Lego

And then go Fark a Porcupine 😉
2012-09-09 10:44:50 AM  
Let him go. After chainsawing him off at the knees.
2012-09-09 11:45:25 AM  

Billy Bathsalt: Let him go. After chainsawing him off at the knees.

It's only a flesh wound!
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