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(Cracked)   8 things you need to know to not die at the beach, get out of Jersey surprisingly absent from the list   ( divider line
    More: Advice, jersey, boardwalks  
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16191 clicks; posted to Main » on 05 Aug 2012 at 12:22 AM (5 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

49 Comments     (+0 »)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
2012-08-05 12:25:32 AM  
1 thing you need to know if you want to laugh

1. Don't read Cracked
2012-08-05 12:28:22 AM  
2012-08-05 12:29:54 AM  
Meh, that was lame. What is point of a cracked article without any interesting trivia to go with it? The humor certainly isn't enough to stand on its own.
2012-08-05 12:31:56 AM  
i.qkme.meView Full Size
2012-08-05 12:32:34 AM  
Whatever Cracked paid you for that greenlight, I'll pay you double to make it go red again.
2012-08-05 12:32:54 AM  
That was the worst Cracked article I've ever read.

That's saying quite a bit.
2012-08-05 12:33:13 AM  

Gwyrddu: The humor certainly isn't enough to stand on its own.

The what?
2012-08-05 12:38:27 AM sucked.
2012-08-05 12:39:27 AM  
Came here to say that article sucked. Seems like it was over in one.
2012-08-05 12:41:49 AM  
Who drafted this drivel? For shame!
2012-08-05 12:45:28 AM  
Huh. I don't get it. The "Beach Hazards" entry could have been fleshed out into a proper article in its own right. The joy of Cracked is usually the semi-informative pieces mixed with humor. Or the absurdist stuff that Bowie and Bucholz excel in. This falls flat, though.

Oh well. I know some excellent beaches, anyway...
2012-08-05 12:49:04 AM  
Death by blue balls.
2012-08-05 12:52:42 AM  
The best beaches are the ones you can go swimming naked at, and barring that, unpopulated enough that you can tie your swimwear to your arm whilst in the water. I know of a few local to me.

>Cracked dismisses rocky/pebble beaches

Well, the ones with groomed sand are full of chain wearing guidos.
2012-08-05 12:53:38 AM  
2012-08-05 01:03:25 AM  
I bet they put something from that idiotic article on the fark quiz. I'm still not reading the rest of it.
2012-08-05 01:07:18 AM  
Jesus, I like Cracked but that was BAAAAAAAAAD.

I thought it was going to be their usual brand of cool facts paired with snappy banter.

This is just shiat.
2012-08-05 01:08:35 AM  
What a piece of crap writing.
2012-08-05 01:12:25 AM  
1. Learn to swim.
2. Don't go in the water.
3. Learn to swim.
4. Don't go in the water.
5. Learn to swim.
6. Don't go in the water.
7. Learn to swim.
8. Don't go in the water.

2012-08-05 01:17:39 AM  
That was the worst thing I read in my life.
2012-08-05 01:21:36 AM  
At least the FA didn't split the infinitive
2012-08-05 01:27:11 AM  
Holy shiat that was lame.
2012-08-05 01:31:48 AM  

zerkalo: At least the FA didn't split the infinitive

There is actually nothing wrong with splitting the infinitive. That and ending sentences with a propositions are rules which apply to Latin, but not to English. I don't know where Latin scholars got the idea that the rules for Latin and English work the same, but the two languages aren't even in the same class. English is closer to Chinese in structure (both isolating languages) than it is to Latin.

And saying that makes this post much more informative than that crappy Cracked article was.
2012-08-05 01:33:34 AM  
I like crack 90% of the time, even most of their video stuff... but that was bad,
2012-08-05 01:43:17 AM  

Aamelrons: I like crack 90% of the time, even most of their video stuff... but that was bad,

I don't go for the videos but I usually like Cracked as well. But holy hell what was that shiat? I can find better prose in the warning labels on a Chinatown Easy Bake Oven knock-off.
2012-08-05 01:53:20 AM  

JesseL: That was the worst Cracked article I've ever read.

That's saying quite a bit.

2012-08-05 01:59:12 AM  
If you see a thing that looks like an organic balloon with strings on it, don't touch it.
2012-08-05 02:04:34 AM  

Aamelrons: I like crack 90% of the time

And sometimes you're down with the meth instead?

I can't believe that POS went green. What a joke.
2012-08-05 02:04:52 AM  
I guess now we know where all the Fark TV writers went
2012-08-05 02:22:09 AM  
Usually, I like Cracked articles, but that was farking retarded.
2012-08-05 02:36:26 AM  
My brain melted from attempting to read that article.
2012-08-05 02:36:44 AM  

JesseL: That was the worst Cracked article I've ever read.

That's saying quite a bit.

Came to say that. It stunk on ice.
2012-08-05 02:40:24 AM  
That article pounded sand. I agree with the sentiment that this didn't come close to what I've come to expect from Cracked.
2012-08-05 03:21:31 AM  
Wow. Not every Cracked article is great, but that one was a stinker of epic proportions. Writer should be sacked. If he doesn't work for Cracked, they should hire him and then immediately sack him just on principle.
2012-08-05 03:29:18 AM  
This is the sort of thing written by someone deep in a coke binge, when they've become completely swallowed by delusions of grandeur and have no idea that they're spewing shiat like a firehose.
2012-08-05 05:00:37 AM  
So I gather from the comments I choose wisely by not clicking on the article?
2012-08-05 05:11:11 AM  

BumpInTheNight: So I gather from the comments I choose wisely by not clicking on the article?

I've read funnier funeral home brochures. So yes,

gonemovies.comView Full Size have chosen, wisely.
2012-08-05 06:07:15 AM  
DO NOT bring me with you.
DO bring me back a stick of rock.

Follow those two rules and we will be fine.
2012-08-05 07:18:02 AM  
Article was stupid.
On a lighter note - just got back recently from N. Myrtle Beach, S.C. Had a blast.
Going to the beach is always a great opportunity for chics to dig me.
2012-08-05 08:19:23 AM  
FTA: The good beach: This is usually a public beach so remote that the crowds and vendors don't bother with it. The snobs don't like it because anyone can go there. So it's pretty aces.

That's the beach I go to on a regular basis. It's fantastic. Tucked away in a residential area away from hotels, and caterwauling children. A cooler full of beer, an umbrella and an iPod make for a perfect day.
2012-08-05 09:29:02 AM  
Many Cracked articles are at least meh, this was painfully awful and proves again why Cracked is the poor mans Mad.

/at least in the 80's
//do either even make magazines anymore?
2012-08-05 10:22:38 AM  
I don't know if any of you agree, but I think that was the most poorly-written, badly conceived Cracked article that I've ever read (except for the ones in the paper version, of course)
2012-08-05 11:09:13 AM  
What in the hell did I just read?
2012-08-05 11:49:55 AM  
Article was unreadable. Whoever greenlit this rubbish should be unfarked--- even if it was paid for.
2012-08-05 12:26:28 PM  
I was hoping this article was going to be about this.

"You think it's safe under an umbrella, and it's not."

/Glad the people are okay, but yeah...quote of the year
//PSA- In a thunderstorm, don't huddle next to a metal pole on the beach. The more you know!
2012-08-05 12:27:01 PM  
That link was lame, and you should feel bad, Subby.
2012-08-05 01:54:42 PM  
2012-08-05 03:04:03 PM  
That was one of the worst articles I've seen on Cracked. It read like the author was tweaking.
2012-08-05 05:16:33 PM  
What the fark am I reading
2012-08-06 02:42:20 AM  
That article would read better if they replaced the text with lorem ipsum.
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