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(Bleacher Report)   Will Big Bossman's ghost help Jericho drag CM Punk's daddy's coffin away? How many hours will Undertaker's intro take? Can Sheamus become World Heavyweight Fella? Will Brock Lesnar appear? It's Wrestlemania 28, 7 PM on PPV   ( bleacherreport.com) divider line
    More: Interesting, Big Boss Man, Brock Lesnar, Randy Orton, WWE, PPV, funeral directors, WrestleMania XXVIII  
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5873 clicks; posted to Sports » on 01 Apr 2012 at 6:00 PM (6 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

Voting Results (Smartest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2012-04-04 09:45:54 PM  
5 votes:

Gunny Highway: Dougie AXP: FARK YOU DREW!

Going the Austin, Punk buck the system route, eh?

Grables'Daughter, while you lay there, hopefully as uncomfortable as you possibly can be, I want you to listen to me.
I want you to digest this because before I leave in 3 weeks with your Attention Whore Championship, I have a lot of things I want to get off my chest.

I don't hate you, Grables. I don't even dislike you. I do like you. I like you a hell of a lot more than I like most people on Fark.

I hate this idea that you're the best. Because you're not. I'm the best. I'm the best in the world. There's one thing you're better at than I am and that's kissing Drew's ass.

You're as good as kissing Drew's ass as Pocket Ninja was. I don't know if you're as good as Bevets though. He's a pretty good ass kisser. Always was and still is.

Whoops! I'm breaking the fourth wall!

I am the best Farker in the world.

I've been the best since day one when I walked into this website. And I've been vilified and hated since that day because Weaver95 saw something in me that nobody else wanted to admit. That's right, I'm a Weaver95 guy. You know who else was a Weaver95 guy? Pizilla. And he split just like I'm splitting. But the biggest difference between me and Pizilla is I'm going to leave with the Attention Whore Championship.

I've grabbed so many of Drew's brass rings that it's finally dawned on me that there just that, they're completely imaginary. The only thing that's real is me and the fact that day in and day out, for almost six years, I have proved to everybody in the world that I am the best on this tab, in the main page, even in political commentary! Nobody can touch me!

And yet no matter how many times I prove it, I'm not on your lovely little favorite lists. I'm not on the cover of the program. I'm barely quoted. I don't get to be in memes. I'm certainly not on any crappy show on the Fark TV. I'm not on the poster of the World Fark Party. I'm not on the signature that's put at the top of each. I'm not on Conan O'Brian. I'm not on Jimmy Fallon. But the fact of the matter is, I should be.

This isn't sour grapes. But the fact that Bevets is in the main event on the Politics tab and I'm not makes me sick!

Oh hey, let me get something straight. Those of you who are cheering me right now, you are just as big a part of me leaving as anything else. Because you're the ones who are quoting in those tabs right now. You're the ones that use this site that my quotes aren't at the top of. And then at five in the morning at the geek tab, you try to shove it in my face and get an autograph and try to sell it on Ebay because you're too lazy to go get a real job.

I'm leaving with the Attention Whore Championship on July 17th. And hell, who knows, maybe I'll go defend it in Twitter. Maybe...I'll go back to Reddit.

Hey, Smiths, how you doing?

The reason I'm leaving is you people. Because after I'm gone, you're still going to pour money into this website. I'm just a spoke on the wheel. The wheel is going to keep turning and I understand that. Drew is going to make money despite himself. He's a millionaire who should be a billionaire. You know why he's not a billionaire? Because he surrounds himself with glad-handed, non-sensical, douchebag (censored) yes men, like Skinnyhead, who's going to tell him everything he wants to hear, and I'd like to think that maybe this company will better after Drew is dead. But the fact is, it's going to be taken over by his idiotic daughter and his doofus son-in-law and the rest of his stupid family.

Let me tell you a personal story about Drew alright. We do this whole post whore campaign.....

Mic cut off.

2012-04-01 09:56:56 PM  
5 votes:

2012-04-02 12:25:26 AM  
3 votes:
ultimatesportstalk.comView Full Size

To see me, or not to see me, that is the question:
Whether 'tis Nobler in the mind to suffer
The Shoulder blocks of outrageous Fortune,
Or to rise Above against a Sea of hate,
And by opposing end them: to job, to sell
No more; and by a sell, to say we end
The Super-Cena, and the thousand Shoulder blocks
That Flesh is heir to? 'Tis a Cenation
Devoutly to be wished. To bury to no-sell,
To no-sell, perchance to Super-Cena; Ay, there's the rub,
For in that no-sell of main events, what squashes may come,
When we have shuffled off these five knuckles,
Must give us pause. There's the respect
That makes Hustle of so long loyalty:
For who would bear the chants of "Cena Sucks",
The McMahon's wrong, the proud man's Booking,
The pangs of despised Heat, the Troops' delay,
The insolence of Raw, and the Swerves
That patient merit of the unworthy pushes,
When he himself might his Heel-turn make
With a Rock Bottom? Who would WWE bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after jobbing,
The undiscovered Superstars, from whose bourn
No Sports entertainer returns, Puzzles the will,
And makes us rather bear those ills we have,
Than fly to others that we know not of.
Thus Boots to Asses does make Fruity Pebbles of us all,
And thus the Doctor of Thuganomics
Is sicklied o'er, with the pale cast of Smarks,
And enterprises of great Wrestlemania moment,
With this regard their Chants turn awry,
And lose the name of Cenation. Soft you now,
The fair Zack Ryder? Broski, in thy Twitters
Be all my sins remembered.

2012-04-01 10:20:28 PM  
2 votes:
"The Rock forgot where the ring is Monsoon"

"Well it has been awhile!"
2012-04-01 10:04:46 PM  
2 votes:
"That lasted longer than the WHC match Monsoon."

"Brain, Jericho was right, this is the end of the world..."
2012-04-01 08:00:39 PM  
2 votes:
"And remember Monsoon, that match lasted about fifty times longer than the WHC match we opened the show with"

"I'm sure a lot of people are going to be miffed about that Brain"
2012-04-01 07:22:22 PM  
2 votes:
"The last time I had sex didn't last that long Monsoon."

"and from what i heard, was just as unsatisfying."


"Well read on the bathroom wall, Brain"
2012-04-01 07:12:48 PM  
2 votes:
I feel as though I'm being ripped off, and I watch it for free.
2012-04-04 11:26:42 PM  
1 vote:
have you seen the fear in all those little Dougsters? They realize that when I get DOUGIE_AXP cinched up in the launch position, when I SLAM him through the Thread, brother!---from New York, down to Tampa, Florida, the fault line is gonna break off! And as Dougie falls into the ocean!---as my next two opponents fall to the ocean floor and I pin 'em, so will Rikka and ALL THE DougaMANIACS! But as RIKKA hangs on to the top of the Thread, with his family under his other arm, as they SINK, to the BOTTOM OF THE SEA---THANK GOD Rikka's an ALL $tar! He'll know enough to let go of his materialistic possessions, hang on to the wife and kids, DOG PADDLE with his life all the way to safety! But Rikka, if somethin' happens, if you run outta gas, and all those little All Stars, just hang on to the LARGEST BACK in the world, and I'll dog paddle us, backstroke all of us to safety!

2012-04-04 10:19:32 PM  
1 vote:
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2012-04-04 08:36:06 PM  
1 vote:
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2012-04-04 07:56:40 PM  
1 vote:
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2012-04-04 05:18:35 PM  
1 vote:
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2012-04-04 05:07:02 PM  
1 vote:
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2012-04-04 04:22:00 PM  
1 vote:

LucklessWonder: Bored, playing with my new laptop's crappy built-in webcam and found my 7 year old's plastic WHC belt, so let me submit myself for the humiliation of the fWc:

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2012-04-03 10:19:58 PM  
1 vote:

TheManofPA: Daniel Bryan's "YES!" chants were heard from the crowd at tonight's Miami Heat basketball game.

BAH GAWD, we've moved to plaid

Lulz, dare I say that not since the epic promo by CM Punk last year have we had this much crossover appeal?
2012-04-03 08:51:10 PM  
1 vote:

Smiths: Praise Cheesus: Sorry for the delay in posting this, boys and girls. Auntie Cheesus got distracted by the tornado sirens going off in her back yard.


For that reference, you get the special edition scary Auntie Cheesus story:

Got a call on May 1, 1999 from Pat. He and Jim Ross were to meet in Norman, OK on the 3rd of the month to scout some talent. Decided I was going to make a weekend of it, so I rented a car, took the kids to their step-grandma's house in Midwest City and drove into OKC to pick up Pat for the drive to Norman. We were coming out of Norman and headed towards my mother-in-law's to get the kids when the skies turned dark. We got to her house as the sirens went off and all of us went straight to the storm shelter in her basement.

That's when the tornado hit. When we all came out of the basement an hour later, half the house was gone. A 2x4 had been shot through the back of my mother-in-law's car like an arrow. My rental car was nowhere to be seen. Pat offered to stay with the kids while my MIL and I went to look for people that were injured and needed help (she was a nurse). About two blocks from where her house was, we found my car - sitting in the remains of an oak tree.

Pat, bless that man, managed to get a signal for his cell phone, called JR to bring the truck to come get us and he paid for the family's hotel rooms for the night, so MIL could call her insurance company and I could get a replacement car. JR made the first stop at the nearest open Waffle House, so the kids could eat. After the calls were made and the kids settled in their beds, my MIL admitted to Pat she knew who he really was, as opposed to my introduction of him as my "Uncle Pierre" then asked him how he knew me and why was he doing this for a complete stranger.

"Well, when I was working out west, your gal there was my road wife. She made sure I had everything I needed. Figured I owed her one."

I'm thinking either Pat or JR gave Broke the name of his finisher from that day.
2012-04-03 04:04:34 PM  
1 vote:
Okay, story time:

One of the biggest headaches with running a constantly touring wrestling company in the kayfabe era was maintaining the illusion of the faces and heels hating one another outside the ring. We performed 313 days a year, with alternating Wednesdays and Fridays off. One week we'd play our northern area, the next was down south. Our danger zones were hotels and restaurants.

Fortunately, because our promoter saw the benefit in covering the hotel, transportation and meal bills for the company, we managed to make some sweet deals. In every city, we had a hotel willing to provide us a private area from the majority of guest rooms and a list of restaurants willing to let us in after hours for dinner.

Our favorite cities were San Francisco and Reno - San Francisco because we got a private floor at one of the best hotels in the city and a great restaurant in North Beach was always open to us after hours.

But Reno was AWESOME. We used to pull into a little place that was a combination hotel/casino/spa/RV park located right on the Truckee River. We'd pull in there during the wee hours of Tuesday morning and check out before dawn on Thursdays. It was actually several miles outside of Reno and the owners and staff were amazing. We had complete run of the place during our stay; we had the restaurant, casino, bar, spa and hotel to ourselves.

You have no idea what kind of treat this was for the guys. It was the one day every other week where they could relax, go fishing, get drunk and play cards in public without having to worry about staying in character. We actually negotiated a group rate that allowed the resort owners to close the place up for two days. Our promotion paid $2500 for those two days and the skeleton staff they had in for us swore to me once that they made more in tips from our crew than they would on weekends.

That was the one time every other week where I could be a complete fool as well. Nothing like hanging out with 40 or so of your best pals, getting drunk and swimming naked in the hot springs.

Sorry for the delay in posting this, boys and girls. Auntie Cheesus got distracted by the tornado sirens going off in her back yard.
2012-04-02 11:35:28 PM  
1 vote:
I just want to thank everyone for making wrestling fun again, doesn't suck so much going to work when you actually look forward to Monday nights.
2012-04-02 11:00:49 PM  
1 vote:
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2012-04-02 08:20:34 PM  
1 vote:

KellyKellyKelly: nyrkah1: Two threads......easily confused.....brain hurts.

Too many threads, too many threads!

/shameful thing

Thankfully my confusion only lasted 18 seconds.
2012-04-02 08:07:39 PM  
1 vote:

Igor Jakovsky: how many 4 horseman did there eventually end up being?


Lex Luger
Barry Windham
Sid Vicious
Paul Roma
Brian Pillman
Dean Malenko
He Who Shall Not Be Named
Curt Hennig
2012-04-02 05:47:59 PM  
1 vote:

SharkTrager: Grand_Moff_Joseph: SharkTrager: Madbassist1: SharkTrager: nbrfwhoooo: she, assuming that she is real this time, is a very attractive young lady.

Seriously, this is a big part of what I do not get. She is average at best, and below average for a stripper, at least where I'd go.

Yeah, she wouldn't fark me either.

I didn't say she's not doable, but paying for pics in this particular case makes absolutely no sense. Actually, paying for pics at all doesn't make sense. And none of what she does deserves the air cover she gets from certain mods who have handed out bans on multiple occassions for people pointing out what she's doing.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on a sec. You mean she actually had people send her money in exchange for B*E??? 0_o

I do not know about cash, but I know for a fact she was getting lots of "gifts" from her Amazon wishlist in exchange for the pics. Including the whole first persona which wasn't even really her.

When I learned her early pics weren't her and she let people believe it was, the cuteness was over. I won't stand between fools and there money, but that's borderline scamming right there.
2012-04-02 03:28:00 PM  
1 vote:

Alkoholiker: Worst. Wrestlemania. Ever

Wrestlemania XV and the city of Philadelphia would like a word.
2012-04-02 02:51:26 PM  
1 vote:

nbrfwhoooo: I agree with you to a certain degree. I am tied to a set of boobs (hopefully) for the rest of my life but she, assuming that she is real this time, is a very attractive young lady. I can see why men would be drawn to her. And I have a spot in my heart for Fark gimmicks and her gimmick must be good enough for us to be talking about it in a wrestling thread.

Son, I've been tied to a set of boobs since birth. Let me expound on a few truths I have learned in my half-century of kicking around on this rock:

Age, gravity and injury are no one's friend. I used to bear a striking resemblance to Beth Phoenix in my youth, except with brown or red hair, depending on the season. However, after a broken neck and two blown out knees... I don't have that build anymore.

If you have to hope someone is "real", you may want to take a good, hard look at where you're going. I have been there, done that and got the divorce decree... after he fathered two children by another woman. I thought he was "real" when I married him.

Not all gimmicks are good gimmicks. There are some people on FARK that get talked about because they're fighting off terminal illnesses, they do good works, provide thought provoking discussions or make people laugh. Getting talked about because you crave the attention of others, engage in naked group web camera chats or have a thin skin and report anyone that offends your delicate sensibilities is going to get you talked about, but more in the vein of "avoid this bozo at all costs" context than a "this person is so cool" context.

Personally, I'm looking forward to tonight's Hall of Fame broadcast. However, it did make me sad to see Yokozuna's family and Mil Mascaras be virtually ignored on stage last night during the HoF introductions on WM.
2012-04-02 02:35:05 PM  
1 vote:

nbrfwhoooo: she, assuming that she is real this time, is a very attractive young lady.

Seriously, this is a big part of what I do not get. She is average at best, and below average for a stripper, at least where I'd go.
2012-04-02 01:30:39 PM  
1 vote:

KellyKellyKelly: dellsworth1007: Grand_Moff_Joseph: dellsworth1007: Gunny Highway: FinFangFark: You're going to regret having certain AWs come in to the fWc. They will notice the activity, and will start lingering, always looking for reasons turn it in to "EVERYBODY LOOK AT ME!"

We really dont need any of that.

two words:

Grable's Daughter

and how would that be a bad thing? ;)

Not a bad thing, in fact a typical thread may hit 5,000-6,000 posts if she was there, just on the BIE/EIP requests


It would also drive those of us that are here to enjoy the wrestling thread away. I know I am not interested in hanging out in AW BIE/EIP kind of thread. There are enough of those already.
2012-04-02 10:21:24 AM  
1 vote:

FinFangFark: one of those: Gunny Highway: FinFangFark: We'll read today and the next few days about some on the fly changes for last night's show, probably the most prevalent one will be that Cena was going to originally win. I wonder, if Brock/Cena will main event WM29, what does that do for Cena who will become the main event jobber for three years straight?

I really dont get why they are announcing the main event for WM two years in a row. Wouldnt Brock coming out at the Rumble and farking over Cena in some capacity do more for a story than a drawn out build up? Especially with Rock winning this year.

I think this is a much better idea, although they have to do something with Brock now, cause he's already signed the contract. Can't have him just sit around for 9 months.


Because folks...Vince hates that he's in wrestling. He wants to be an entertainment show. Why make it wrestling related, when we can push for social acceptance, and be an entertainment show where the guys have to wrestle a little, right?

And the word is Brock's contract is very Undertaker related, little to no road time, no house shows, just appearing and occasionally wrestling every few years. Kinda what Sting should be doing.

Also, I think Sting reupped with TNA yet again. Something tells me he really doesn't like Vince, or else he would have faced UT the past two years at WM, which would have been a pretty big draw.

Sting has explained why he never went to the WWE, and cited the Invasion angle as an example why he didn't want to go there. He basically said he saw the WCW guys get buried and he didn't want to end up the same way.
2012-04-02 02:16:13 AM  
1 vote:
i6.photobucket.comView Full Size

It took you longer to read this post than it took for Daniel Bryan to lose the World Heavyweight Championship at Wrestlemania 28.
2012-04-02 12:07:38 AM  
1 vote:
OK, so my thoughts:

* Sheamus/Bryan cast a pall on the evening that meant I cared about pretty much nothing until HIAC. Thanks for that, Vinnie. You couldn't trim 10 farking minutes from the Blandy Boreton match or the backstage bullshiat to actually give us a match here? You cheated us out of this match last year, and you did it again this year; why do you hate us?
* Taker/HHH was pretty decent. Not a technically great match, but they told the story well, and the right thing happened in the end. Taker looks really old.
* Punk/Jericho was match of the night, definitely.
* Rock/Cena was... really, really boring. The ending was a surprise, though; I was shocked to see Rock go over, and cleanly at that, and I'd like to see where this leads for Cena (hopefully to a heel turn).
2012-04-01 11:14:02 PM  
1 vote:

SharkTrager: Is nobody really better than 137?

I'm pretty sure I needed Brock to beat you. Since he didn't come out, you win.
2012-04-01 10:57:41 PM  
1 vote:
I like that finish because it gives the feeling that Cena had the match won but got cocky. I legit like that ending.
images.mylittlefacewhen.comView Full Size
2012-04-01 10:55:56 PM  
1 vote:
2012-04-01 10:55:34 PM  
1 vote:
2012-04-01 10:52:51 PM  
1 vote:

Fisty Bum: Is it wrong that I'm greatly amused by the pony pictures?

While there is some notable creativity with a lot of them, the answer is still "Yes."

/it's creepy
2012-04-01 10:51:07 PM  
1 vote:
Good crowd is ready for something cool at the end. I wonder how they'll be for Raw tomorrow
2012-04-01 10:49:21 PM  
1 vote:

eddievercetti: Back at the computar.

This match is insane.

You rewind to Punk/Jericho?
2012-04-01 10:42:30 PM  
1 vote:
This is like Flair-Steamboat, except every pro-wrestling move is replaced by shouldblocks.
2012-04-01 10:41:37 PM  
1 vote:
20 mins to go. Only finisher left is rock's sharpshoter
2012-04-01 10:22:01 PM  
1 vote:
Rock needed directions to the ring written on his wrist.
2012-04-01 10:21:28 PM  
1 vote:
Rock has been standing on the stage longer than the WHC match lasted.
2012-04-01 10:13:53 PM  
1 vote:

Bobby_and_The_Gorilla: "Does Auswitcz know they have a prisoner missing?"

"Nononononononono Brain, crossed the line there."




2012-04-01 10:13:45 PM  
1 vote:

Captain Steroid: Jets green in Miami?

Nice, Cena.

He got dressed for next year's Wrestlemania.
2012-04-01 10:13:43 PM  
1 vote:
heel turn. We need it.
2012-04-01 10:13:26 PM  
1 vote:

Bobby_and_The_Gorilla: "Does Auswitcz know they have a prisoner missing?"

"Nononononononono Brain, crossed the line there."

Whoever you are, I love you.
2012-04-01 10:11:30 PM  
1 vote:
"Does Auswitcz know they have a prisoner missing?"

"Nononononononono Brain, crossed the line there."
2012-04-01 10:09:26 PM  
1 vote:
"Why do rap stars feel like they have to constantly remind us where we are and what we're doing?"

"I understand weed has a lot to do with it Brain"
2012-04-01 10:07:58 PM  
1 vote:

LegacyDL: Dougie AXP: Sooooo Rocky's gonna job right?

No I think Rocky is going to get cheered and when he loses thousands of people will boo Cena causing him to turn his back on his little Jimmys.

A bold call. We'll see...
2012-04-01 10:02:35 PM  
1 vote:
"... Did I just take the brown acid Monsoon?"
2012-04-01 09:36:02 PM  
1 vote:

Smiths: anyone ever figure out what he writes on the ground before a match?

Your mom's phone number.
2012-04-01 09:20:44 PM  
1 vote:
"Brain, what did we learn?"

"Never trust A big butt and a smile Monsoon!"
2012-04-01 09:03:24 PM  
1 vote:

P-Money All $tar: 16 filler SEGMENTS SO FAR

17, you forgot the Bryan/Sheamus match.
2012-04-01 09:03:14 PM  
1 vote:
"Jeez Monsoon! It's like someone played a slot machine and hit the progressive mid-card jackpot!"

"Will you stop?"
2012-04-01 08:47:18 PM  
1 vote:
Oh God, not this ending where Taker can barely move again, we saw this last year.

/Also, 20-0 is a nice round ending to the streak, Taker needs to retire
2012-04-01 08:02:06 PM  
1 vote:
"Run it's evil JR!!"
2012-04-01 08:01:25 PM  
1 vote:
Why cry for DBD? Dude was in the fed less than two years and became World Champion. As opposed to, say, Curt Hennig.
2012-04-01 07:53:26 PM  
1 vote:
"Sign in the audience Brain, says 'I came for Beth Phoenix"

"As did a lot of men Monsoon."
2012-04-01 07:50:09 PM  
1 vote:
"Well, Beth has some rather unorthodox head gear there Brain."

"There are some wired bugs in South Florida Brain"
2012-04-01 07:50:04 PM  
1 vote:

broken ribs.
2012-04-01 07:47:33 PM  
1 vote:
And this Divas video package is now longer than the WHC match.
2012-04-01 07:46:34 PM  
1 vote:
"Did the Big Show just kiss a man Monsoon?"

"I... Well... Uh... I don't know."
2012-04-01 07:38:47 PM  
1 vote:
"Brain, the Big Show doesn't have a great record at Wrestlemanias."

"He chokes harder than Chris Benoit Monsoon."

"Too soon Brain"
2012-04-01 07:32:22 PM  
1 vote:
"Kane with the win Brain!"

"Randy is headed to the local Academy sports store to console himself in the gym bag department!"

"Will you stop?"
2012-04-01 07:27:17 PM  
1 vote:

slapmastered: Backstreets: Bobby_and_The_Gorilla: "The last time I had sex didn't last that long Monsoon."

"and from what i heard, was just as unsatisfying."


"Well read on the bathroom wall, Brain"


Yeah, I have seriously been a fan of whichever Farker took it upon himself to run with that Screenname and gimmick. It's farking poetry most of the time. Like our very own @WWECreative

Hey went from Lurker to Superstar. One good gimmick change and he went from Sunday Heat to WRESTLEMANIA MAIN EVENTER
2012-04-01 07:23:02 PM  
1 vote:

2012-04-01 07:22:56 PM  
1 vote:
If Vince ever wonders why he keeps losing fans, look at the first match, and listen to the crowd right now.

He craps on us and tells us it's because he knows what we want more than we do.
2012-04-01 07:21:18 PM  
1 vote:
DANIEL BRYAN! chants in the second match.

I think I'm going to like this crowd (I hope).
2012-04-01 07:21:17 PM  
1 vote:
Crowd started chanting DANIEL BRYAN!

Hope they keep it up.
2012-04-01 07:21:15 PM  
1 vote:
If only this was Philadelphia, we'd get a FARK YOU VINCE chant on top of it.
2012-04-01 07:21:09 PM  
1 vote:
i farkin hope they chant daniel bryan all throughout the show

it'll be the new "WE WANT FLAIR"
2012-04-01 07:15:36 PM  
1 vote:
Okay, calming down a tad, this clearly means the feud between Sheamus and Daniel Bryan isn't over.
2012-04-01 07:13:10 PM  
1 vote:
i10.photobucket.comView Full Size

This could be a bad night...
2012-04-01 07:12:55 PM  
1 vote:
Steal this show. The WWE should be paying fans money for this garbage.

Total wrestling action since 7pm EST: 3 seconds.
2012-04-01 07:12:35 PM  
1 vote:
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2012-04-01 06:47:16 PM  
1 vote:
Getting it in early:

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Biggest. Night. Tonight, CeNation.

A clash of champions, an epic battle spanning 2 era's of athletes. We will all bear witness to greatness as the great one, the people's champ, the most electrifying man in the ring and on the silver screen, faces off against The Rock. Cena's dug deep for this match, going back to his hip hop roots and shaming the People's Twitter Account for weeks now. Cena's had enough of whooping everyone in the locker room, and so to keep is insatiable appetite for carnage under control, Vince . . I mean, Triple Oak, had to call the best 'B' movie agent there is and ask if the Rock is available. The actor was free this weekend, to the surprise of absolutely no one.

After the recent tragedies involving the soldier who killed 17 people, and the shooting involving teenager Treyvon Martin, the troops and the children need John Cena more than ever. And he has answered their call. Training nonstop to defend against The Rocks arsenal of devastating moves like "raising his eyebrow" and kip-ups and the People's Elbow, or as the great Mick Foley called it, "that abortion of a move". While there is no doubt that this will be a battle, as Sun Tzu said, every battle is won before it is ever fought. And Cena has the hops and dreams of a grateful nation ready to carry him to victory.

If he can keep his guard up and control the pace of the fight, he should win, but just in case it gets tricky in there, he needs to remember his:

Keys to Victory
Armbar: Not a move he commonly uses, which makes it great for catching the People's Chump off guard. He won't be so quick to drop a People's Elbow if you rip that sucker out of its socket.
Attitude Adjustment: Literally and figuratively no one is more in need of an attitude adjustment than Dwayne Johnson. The man runs from professional wrestling, then comes back to promote twitter, and has the nerve to call out a man who has carried the WWE on his broad shoulders for years. It's pathetic, and the drop off those shoulders will remind him of whose house he's in.
Five Knuckle Shuffle: An extremely effective variation on the People's Elbow, there is now better statement of "old and tired" vs "new and exciting" than this. Knock him to the ground, intimidate him with your war dance, then drop 5 knuckles of pain onto his stupid eyebrow. However, if after that he's still conscious, you can always unleash the
Flying Shoulder Blocks: "What's that in the sky? A bird? A plane?" No, Rock, you insufferable douche, it's John F*cking Cena hurtling at you like the meteor on Armageddon. And there he is doing it again. And again. And maybe again. No more after that though. What? You think you can counter this with a punch? Cena's cat like quickness will dodge, and you will end up on your back. I'm calling it.

So there you have it, folks, the "how's" and "why's" as to John Cena's inevitable victory. Just like Mitt Romney, you may want the other guy to win, you may concoct elaborate and fantastical reasons why the other guy will win, but you know deep down that Mitt Cena is going to raise his hands in victory. It should be a great match, I'm really looking forward to it.

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