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(Scientific American)   I was going to take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but I drove him to a burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke   ( divider line
    More: Silly, bioinformatics, data mining, Disneyland, The Atlantic, Broad Institute, Moore's Law, bug tracking system, predictive analytics  
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11112 clicks; posted to Geek » on 24 Mar 2012 at 11:50 PM (6 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

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2012-03-24 07:04:52 PM  
2012-03-24 09:13:06 PM  
Long live Jack Handy!
2012-03-24 09:51:41 PM  
I don't specifically ever remember seeing that one on SNL, but, I read that in "Jack Handy"s voice anyway, even before clicking the link. Weird how that works.
2012-03-24 10:08:40 PM  
What the hell did that headline have to do with the article? I haven't seen the skit in a long time.
2012-03-24 10:43:40 PM  
american-buddha.comView Full Size
2012-03-24 11:08:51 PM  
Fark it. I'm in:

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

2012-03-24 11:16:37 PM  
"The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you."
2012-03-24 11:22:26 PM  
Oh, it's another one of these articles. "Nobody does any critical thinking anymore. Well, except for me, of course, because I'm writing this article."
2012-03-24 11:23:54 PM  
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
2012-03-24 11:35:15 PM  

omnibus_necanda_sunt: What the hell did that headline have to do with the article? I haven't seen the skit in a long time.

You didn't see the "deep thoughts"/Jack Handy in the article?
2012-03-24 11:55:11 PM  

Bathia_Mapes: omnibus_necanda_sunt: What the hell did that headline have to do with the article? I haven't seen the skit in a long time.

You didn't see the "deep thoughts"/Jack Handy in the article?

The only part of the skit I remember is the Disneyland bit.
2012-03-24 11:57:01 PM  
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing
2012-03-25 12:14:43 AM  
It was originally a bit from a "best of" album by John DeBella and the Morning Zoo Crew.
2012-03-25 12:16:41 AM  
I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy, but then, we had some growing up to do.
2012-03-25 12:19:10 AM  
Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant.

It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see
2012-03-25 12:22:38 AM  

omnibus_necanda_sunt: Bathia_Mapes: omnibus_necanda_sunt: What the hell did that headline have to do with the article? I haven't seen the skit in a long time.

You didn't see the "deep thoughts"/Jack Handy in the article?

The only part of the skit I remember is the Disneyland bit.

It's not a skit, it's a recurring segment in which Jack Handey would recite a "deep thought" like the one in the headline, or the many posted in this thread, over scenic views and easy listening music.
2012-03-25 12:27:26 AM  
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
2012-03-25 12:27:54 AM  
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate.

And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
2012-03-25 12:28:45 AM  
I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver.

and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.
2012-03-25 12:36:43 AM  
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down?

Maybe, if they screamed all the time for no good reason.
2012-03-25 12:36:58 AM  
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.
2012-03-25 12:52:48 AM  
Dad always said laughter was the best medicine. Maybe that's why so many of us died of tuberculosis.
2012-03-25 01:09:06 AM  
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let them go.

Because Man.....they're gone!
2012-03-25 01:22:24 AM  
I always wanted a kryptonite cross, so that way I could keep away both Superman and Dracula...
2012-03-25 01:32:49 AM  
I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming.

"You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?"

"Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times."

It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.
2012-03-25 01:34:02 AM  
This is my most favorite Deep Thought
2012-03-25 01:36:27 AM  
Thank you Senator Al
2012-03-25 01:47:11 AM  
My father-in-law told once spread bones around the back yard and told my wife he'd shot Santa and his reindeer because he heard an intruder on the roof...

It had no effect on her whatsoever.
2012-03-25 01:57:46 AM  
If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!
2012-03-25 02:06:00 AM  
If there were two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins more? I bet you'd say Flippy, wouldn't you?

But you would be wrong. It's Hambone.
2012-03-25 02:06:29 AM  
Close, in 1966 we drove by Disneyland on vacation. Dad said we didn't have time to stop as we were on the way to San Diego. On the way back the excuse was we didn't have the money.

Still haven`t been there
2012-03-25 02:10:58 AM  
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
2012-03-25 02:14:56 AM  
"As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!"
2012-03-25 02:16:58 AM  
What year is that Jack Handey "Disneyland" skit from? Because I remember WMMR doing a bit like that way in the early 1980s.
2012-03-25 03:06:05 AM  
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
2012-03-25 03:07:27 AM  
Still better than the ending of Mass Effect 3.
2012-03-25 03:08:38 AM  
How screwed up would the child of Jack Handy and Debbie Downer be?
2012-03-25 03:10:18 AM  
For those that haven't seen it, check this out. (new window)
2012-03-25 03:15:52 AM  
The last time I had a deep thought it turned out to be quicksand.
I quit having deep thoughts after that.
2012-03-25 03:29:16 AM  
yes, that article applies to me. I don't spend all my time at work posting scantily clad women on fark bie threads. sometimes I do real work which requires almost five minutes of my time per hour.
2012-03-25 03:32:20 AM  
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
2012-03-25 04:20:55 AM  
heh ...
2012-03-25 05:00:33 AM  
Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait. Not me, you.
2012-03-25 05:01:22 AM  
images1.cliqueclack.comView Full Size

"Did you hear that the Governor's mansion in Alabama burned down? It pretty much took out the whole trailer park."

"Why doesn't a chicken wear pants? Because its pecker is on its head."

"What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Dough nuts."

"Don't you just hate doing HOMEWORK? [Yeah!] Me too. Man I hate HOMEWORK. Honestly. I hate having to do HOMEWORK more than I hate having to do BRYANT GUMBEL in his asshole. Awkward! Awkward! Awkward!"


"Don't you hate how MEXICANS always complain about TURTLES in their VAGINAS?"

"You sir. Where are you from? [Long Island!] Does everyone in LONG ISLAND have hair that looks like PUSSY you DIPshiat?"

"What is up with SANDRA BULLOCK? I wouldn't eat her DICK with STEVIE WONDER's VAGINA."

2012-03-25 05:34:04 AM  
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?", you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes! Hey, better try the emergency brake!
2012-03-25 05:49:55 AM  
It's so sad when a family is torn apart by such a simple thing as a pack of wild dogs.
2012-03-25 06:25:06 AM  
Better not bring the dog along the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out the window on the way back he might get his face burnt off.
2012-03-25 06:44:03 AM  
Whenever I see an old lady fall down, my first instinct is to laugh. But they I think, hey, what if I were an ant and she fell on me? Then it doesn't seem quite so funny.
2012-03-25 07:09:51 AM  
When I read the article's actual headline, my first thought was "42"
2012-03-25 08:14:25 AM  
I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.
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