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(Some Guy)   What is the dumbest thing an emplyee/employer has ever said or done to you. (Link goes to funny client quotes)   ( divider line
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19393 clicks; posted to Main » on 10 Oct 2003 at 5:16 AM (14 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

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2003-10-10 09:05:11 AM  
Worked at a magazine, and shortly after our very popular publisher was sacked for BS political reasons, the VP from overseas shows up to introduce us to our new publisher, who's going to have a hard time getting a decent welcome no matter what he does.

The VP tells us a short history of the guy, and then it's time to hand it over to him for a speech, so he introduces him by name.
If you say this with a thick French accent it's much funnier:

"His name is Richard, but he prefers Dick."
2003-10-10 09:05:50 AM  
Once, after explaining to my "boss" that I had to go get my sick daughter from school he stated "You mean your son?".

"No. My son isn't in school."
"Then where are you going?"

Nitwit didn't realize that old Bobo has two kids.

But this is the same guy who:
-When setting up a network printer, gave it the IP address of the default gateway so every time he tried to print a test job he brought the network down.
-Walked into our server room and took out a switch killing two network segments. His argument? "So-and-so needs this"
-Sent out a detailed email to users about the "ninja" virus.
-Went around for a week talking acronym speak in meetings about a new feature of Windows 2003. Before realizing that the acronym (GUF, pronounced goof) was made up by a crafty systems analyst.
-Believes SQL is an operating system. Because it "has a developers edition".

Ahhh. It's fun here at Initech.
2003-10-10 09:08:28 AM  
one of many head honchos decides to bring his wife into work and get her a job, for her entire life she has worked as a tour guide and a DJ for a radio station. She is now in charge of IT, I work the web department and have to put up with her dumbass-ness and constant demands for things that can't be done on the internet. Needless to say I work their for 2 and a half years covering other people's asses, giving input and working my ass off and I'm eventually let go because she didn't like me and her husband is the boss. Ain't that some shiat. The reason I was laid off was because "you no longer fit the shape the company is taking", months later her husband is demoted because the place has been in the shiatter since I left. Now they are both fired for questionable business practices, shame I had to lose my low paying job for this crap.
2003-10-10 09:10:25 AM  
I was working as a manager of a full service car wash chain on the gulf coast. I was in charge of doing all the hiring and personel. Well the owner came to me and gave me some advice on who to hire and not hire. And I quote "Don't hire some right out of high school girl just looking to fill her hole." I learned many great lessons from that person. Up until the point I was demoted for not hiring quality employees. Sheesh.
2003-10-10 09:12:26 AM  
I'm doing technical sales support for 60 sales people for "a large long distance company". The sales people didn't know how to find positive and negative on a AAA battery. At the yearly performance review my manager looks at me and says "I know you were always rated as "outstanding" but I'm only giving you an "acceptable" this year because you're too smart and know too much and it is affecting the self esteem of some of the sales people." Sue Jordan, you are an idiot. If you read this, sue me. I can afford it. I used those brains I held back to research some good little biotechs and made a killing.
2003-10-10 09:12:30 AM  
Well, during a telephone interview the interview started asking all these personal questions.
'Are you married"
"Do you go to chruch"
"How old are you"

I told him these were illegal questions. He said if I wanted the job I should answer the questions he asked and shut up.
I hung up the phone.
2003-10-10 09:16:20 AM  
I work for the US gov't and found out the other day that we have a coat rack policy. Our agency won't provide you with a coat rack unless you're a manager. We all have Herman Miller ergonomic chairs (hellaexpensive), brand new computers with DVD players/CD burners, and 17 inch flat screen monitors - but you can't have a coat rack if you're not a manager...
2003-10-10 09:20:12 AM  
I just remembered another one. We were at work during Hurricane Floyd and the power goes out. The operations manager yells out "Someone call the Electric Company and find out why the power is out!!"
2003-10-10 09:21:13 AM  
I work in IT, in a company where everyone uses a computer every day. They may not do much more than Word and Outlook, but they use one.

One day, about a year and a half ago, a user was having problems. I don't remember what it was, but I told her to right-click on the desktop. Her response?
What's a right-click?

I knew then I was working with geniuses.
2003-10-10 09:21:53 AM  
I have a few, and they are pretty lame, so no voting:

1.) "This will be the first and only time we do this."
-- CEO after first round of layoffs at sw startup. 3 rounds later I was let go, too.

2.) VP of Sales at sw startup wants a demo of our product. Engineer and I work a week straight, late nights, weekend to get this done by the demanded due date. 80 hrs total.

Once finished, we hear that the VP of Sales decided it was a "bad idea" to do the demo after all.

3.) Former Mgr. at EyeBeeEmm calls a meeting: "You all know we've been having problems communicating in this department, so we are going to sit in this room until we resolve this issue."

Me: "This is bulshiat. I have work to do and you are not going to hold me hostage with this touchy-feely crap."

/no, I didn't get fired.

4.) "If you are spending more that 15 minutes on e-mail a day, you are wasting company time. Just pick up the phone."
-- CEO of sw startup.

My Favorite:

5.) CEO of startup fires entire IT staff and believes a former level 2 sw support person, his buddy, can handle the e-mail, firewall, router, exchange server and VoIP stuff. After a month of problems, they outsource the whole thing, but keep him on to project manage.

This Windows-Only dumbass had to ask people how to add users and restart processes on a Sun box and he had no farking clue how to deal with Cisco PIX and routers.

He had NO business touching anything but his XP box.
2003-10-10 09:25:06 AM  
Guess it's just me but I don't find Harimwaikari's entry very funny. Doesn't someone always put an entry that is an from the view of the 2nd party mentioned in someone else's story. Just not a snorter.

War n Peace. Now that's life imitating art right there.
2003-10-10 09:25:13 AM  
Well, I'm not in IT. Started a new job a few years ago and my boss told me, "You're not a pro at this until someone's shot at you." I _have_ had a guy point a gun at me, but never has anyone fired -- thank goodness!
2003-10-10 09:31:36 AM  
A supposed "Art Director" asked me to "move that over, half a pixel."

...perhaps you realize this is impossible.
2003-10-10 09:33:53 AM  
Tiamat, That SAME exact thing happened to me. I'm packing out milk an this elderly lady comes, while I have milk in my hand and says "Can you point me to where the milk is?" Seeing it was an old lady I withheld my laughter but after she left the aisle I was on the floor crying from laughter.
2003-10-10 09:36:26 AM  
Dalai Lama Actually in photoshop it's not impossible, due to the oversampling and antialiasing used.
2003-10-10 09:37:47 AM  
About 5 years ago I was working for a small fire department in rural Louisiana. We hired a new guy and I was explaining how the stations were laid out.

Me: "The parish (county) is divided into quadrants, with 5 stations in each quadrant."

Him: "How many quadrants are there?"

That's probably not the stupidest thing I've ever heard someone say, but it's the first thing that comes to mind.
2003-10-10 09:40:00 AM  
My old boss was a workaholic. After his girlfriend had his baby, he STILL worked from 7 AM to 10 PM. One day, we were all there late moving phone and computer cables, and his girlfriend calls asking for him. She told me to tell him that their baby who was about 6 months old looked at her and said "Where's Daddy?" When I told him that, he looked all proud and said "Wow! I have the smartest baby ever!" He didn't get it.
2003-10-10 09:40:41 AM  
Boss: Have you seen that BOX around here?

Me: Exactly which box are you referring to?

Boss: You know, that BOX that is SQUARE on ONE end.

Me: Well sir, if this object that you are searching for is truely a box, then I would hope that it would be SQUARE on more than just ONE end.

(and I laughed over his comment for days and days...or maybe I'm just easily ammused)
2003-10-10 09:42:54 AM  
Don't stop....I got all morning to waste
2003-10-10 09:43:06 AM  
I was IT for a small company, and I had the duty of setting up a company PC for an accounting clerk that worked out of her house. I drove about 50 miles to get to her house way out in the boonies, and when I got there, she had 5 little kids runing around screaming bloody murder. Needless to say, this wasn't the ideal work environment. So I get in her office, and set up the PC and install all the proper software so she can connect to the office. Did I mention she was completely computer illiterate? Well, I sit her down in front of the screen and say, "Take the mouse and click on PC Anywhere." I swear, God as my witness, she picked up the mouse and pressed it up against the monitor and started clicking furiously. I guess she thought it was some sort of stylus/touchscreen technology. I had to leave the room I was laughing so hard. When I came out of the bathroom she asked, "Are you okay?" I had tears streaming down my face.
2003-10-10 09:44:47 AM  
DanMcCaffrey: Agreed.
2003-10-10 09:45:02 AM  
From a coworker that gave everyone Hanukah cards one year.

"I thought Hanukah was a fancy word for Christmas...
You mean to Jewish people don't believe in Jesus?"
2003-10-10 09:46:46 AM  
Your intelligence is a liability.
I was working retail. I did not know intelligence was required to sell plastic pants to 15 year olds.
2003-10-10 09:47:41 AM  
back when i was in the navy, on subs, we had a cook called Speedy. Skinny, inbred gy from Alabama.
Tons of 'Speedy Stories'
some of my favorites:
cooking for 120 people, you usually cook in large 3 foot by 1.5 foot cookie sheets for cooking stuff like cornbread or sheet cakes...
- Speedy put frosting over cornbread and served it for dessert
-when in port, would take a chair in the shower to sit and fap for hours
- Speedy couldn't figure out how to turn on the mixer, so was up to his armpit stirring chocolate pudding because the mixer was unplugged
- Speedy misread a recipe and used 3 parts bread and 1 part meat for swedish meatballs and made what we lovingly referred to as 'chalupa balls'
- Speedy made some really impressive looking lemon merangue (sp?) pies, upon eating, we noticed he forgot the lemon
- Speedy made sugar cookies with salt instead of sugar

my favorite Speedy story....

we were in New Hampshire in the winter, very cold....he actually had a pretty nice car, a new Mercury Cougar....well, Speedy locked his keys in the car and had to bust out the back small window to get in the car. Due to the frigid winter, he did a massive tape job over the broken window........week or so later, Speedy locks his keys in the car again....and he doesn't want to mess up his massive tape job, so he breaks out the opposite side small back passenger window to open the car.

-oh yeah, another good one...everything on a sub drains to tanks, which can be blown over the side while underway, or blown overboard to a tank through connections to the hull. all of the toilets, showers, drains, etc are all hooked up to some holding tank until emptied. when emptying, you have to SHUT valves at the drains BEFORE blowing the lines with high pressure air to blow the stuff overboard. one time, Speedy forgot to shut the valve to isolate the drain in the middle of the galley (kitchen) and when they started blowing the waste water (shiat water) overboard to a tanker truck, the waste water started blowing over the galley....Speedy got a deep pan and put it over the drain and stood on it while someone shut they valve. Speedy rinsed out the pan (not clean enough) and hung it on the wall. Couple days later, we have this huge spaghetti meal with like 6 different types of spaghetti. Of course Speedy used the deep shiatter pan to make the spaghetti, and over 2/3 of the crew got food poisoning. about 6 of us ended up in the hospital puking up stomach acid when our stomachs were empty, but we still had dry heaves....but, after going about 3 months without a day off from work, it was actually nice the next morning waking up in the hospital and watching tv.

ok, last one, short, Speedy would actually have a fake ID to show he was younger than he was (had grey hair coming in) so he could pick up young (under 21) chics. one time he picked up a not-so attractive and not-so successful African American girl at last day he was telling us about it..........'and she stuck her finger in my butt and i came'
2003-10-10 09:50:46 AM  
I.T. stories are never ending...

Something I never understand is why people have such a hard time understanding what "User ID" means!

Me: Can I get your User ID please?
Caller: My password?
Me: No, your User ID....your user name.
Caller: Um my password is this...(spouts off password)
Me: No sir, I need your USER ID, your USERNAME. There are 3 fields on your login screen. "User ID", "Password" and "Domain". I need to know your USER NAME, your USER ID.
Caller: I just gave you my password! You mean my domain?
Me: *thud!* *thud!* *thud!*
2003-10-10 09:51:10 AM  
boss: how come you're not working?
me: there's nothing to do.
boss: well, then you pretend like you're working.
me: why don't YOU pretend i'm working?

2003-10-10 09:51:57 AM  
At my work, we've had a few temps. They were all freaks, but the one we had the longest, smelled the second worst, and almost drove my coworker TC insane, was the Pseudo-Zen Temp. I collected sayings from him:


Gold edition CDs are written in a different file format than standard silver ones.

When you microwave water you are cooking your insides. If you don't let the water sit for a few minutes after you microwave it, the water molecules are still moving.

A five dollar rebate is not worth sending in.

DVDs are cool, but commentary tracks and extra footage/features are stupid.

Don't tip at a Chinese restaurant because all the money goes into the cash register since it is family owned. Besides, it is an insult to them.

Hybrid Electric cars are stupid since, environmentally, you don't make a differnce. The economic benefits to the person are not worthwile.

A discussion on the heat tranferrance from a liquid to near-earth space vacuum so that the liquid becomes a solid is not thermodynamics, it's just the way everything is.

It's arrogant for the GMT atomic clock to say that their time is the correct time. It's arrogant for any atomic clock group to say its setting any better than any other atomic clock's setting. 'How often to you have to set an atomic clock?'

It is very common for Mexican Restaurants to put a little bleach in the salsa.

/poor TC had do listen to Deathmetal Realaudio and smell PZT's man-stink all day.
2003-10-10 09:53:07 AM  

Had a nub light up a joint in the LP fan room.

USS Alexander Hamilton
SSBN 617 (blue)
2003-10-10 09:54:18 AM  
Mine is super lame in comparison but I have to submit it...working tech support for a lawfirm (the most computer illiterate industry IMO) and a legal secretary had no power to her PC.
Me - OK - I have to ask you a dumb question, are you sure it's plugged in?
Her - Yes! I crawled under the desk and plugged it in myself.
So I go to her desk and crawl under...trace the PC and monitor cables - they are indeed plugged into a power strip. Then I trace the power strip cord.......BACK INTO THE POWER STRIP.

Yup. She plugged it into itself.
Her - You're not going to tell anyone this are you?
Me - Oh - you're going in the Hall of Fame for this one...
2003-10-10 09:54:47 AM  
I worked at a Mr. Ghattis pizza for about two months. At one point we ran out of cheese. Digging around, my managers comes up with this tub of cheese and hands it to me. I look at it. It's all covered with mold. I refused to serve it. My manager was actually pissed off at me because of that. I should of reported his ass.
2003-10-10 09:55:35 AM  
I'm Voting for the Speedy stories. That's funny shiat.
2003-10-10 09:56:46 AM  
I just love having to clean up the bosses and the main secretary's computer when they get filled up with, well, you know......."You found what in my computer? I don't understand that. I hardly ever get on the internet, someone else must be using my computer."
2003-10-10 09:59:30 AM  
Oh, the stories I have which would fit here were it not that I don't want to get fired just now.
2003-10-10 10:01:24 AM  
The client is a particular Huge Product Qompany, and they have a policy of using royalty-free stock photos in all their collateral. Royalty-free (for those that don't know) means the company can use the photo for whatever purpose it sees fit. These sorts of photos are generally cheap and low-quality. Those pictures of the asian kid with spectacles? Photodisc royalty-free. Anyway.

We were in a meeting with them, and they were considering at a particular photo of a woman looking in the general direction of a sign. One exec said "can you put a newspaper under her arm ... you know, in Photoshop?" We cautiously said "yes, but it would look pretty fake."

She said "that's okay."

Exec 2 chimes in, "In that case, can you just sort of ... (insert hand gesture here) ... rotate her, so she's looking more at the sign?"

At that point we had to kick each other under the table to keep from laughing out loud.

/real life photoshop
2003-10-10 10:01:42 AM  
Back in the mid-90s, the technology officer of a company I used to work for once justified his decision not to use browser-based technologies by telling everyone that the internet was just a fad. And, no, it wasn't Bill Gates.
2003-10-10 10:01:44 AM  
Another asshat lawyer story -
I was on call over the weekend and I get a call from an irate (dickhead) lawyer who couldn't print.
Me - Is the printer online?
DHL - How the hell should I know? I just can't print!!
Me - Could you go to the printer and see if it has a green light, and if not just press the "online" button?
DHL - No! I'm busy! I bill at $400 an hour! Get your ass down here and fix it!
I haul my ass downtown on a saturday afternoon to the Sears Tower, find the (dickhead) lawyer's office, find the printer that is, literally, 2 steps outside his office.
That pharker was offline.
*presses button*
Me - NOW you can print.
{underbreath} you retarded scumbag assh0le. {/underbreath}
2003-10-10 10:01:52 AM  
I'm restricted to only one instance?!
2003-10-10 10:02:36 AM  
I spend my days supervising moronic high school kids who can't even make change from a five, and who are so lazy that a bullwhip is sometimes necessary to procure any productivity. I fired one girl for being lazy and worthless. her 15 minute break would stretch on to 45 minutes, and I was always having to go fetch her. Her mom called and cussed me out when the girl was fired. She said, "My daughter tells me you expect her to be doing something every single minute that she's there.......that's absolutely ridiculous!" So I had to explain to the woman exactly waht the concept of "work" was................
2003-10-10 10:02:46 AM  
Back in the mid-90s, the technology officer of a company I used to work for once justified his decision not to use browser-based technologies by telling everyone that the internet was just a fad. And, no, it wasn't Bill Gates.
2003-10-10 10:03:28 AM  
Me: Hey boss, this client is ripping us off, they ordered something, but now claim they needed something else, and are refusing to pay for the first order. Here is the complete documentation of what they ordered, the delivery notice, etc. So we should hold off doing business with them until they pay right?

Boss: No they are good clients, they order a lot, so go ahead and send it to them, but let them know that this is the LAST time!

Me: Uh, yes sir.

Repeat about 5 times, I wonder why they like ordering from us? If it was up to me I waould stop doing business with them and send collections after them. But I ain't the boss.
2003-10-10 10:05:36 AM  
Fhqwhgads Lawyers all seem to act like that. phark his wife -- that'll learn 'em.
2003-10-10 10:10:08 AM  
Client on phone: "I'd like to get on the Internet."
Tech: "O.K. I need to know your operating system and modem speed." (This was some years ago)
Client: "Modem?"
Tech: "Well, just tell what you have for a computer."
Client: "I don't want any computer; I just want to get on the Internet!"
2003-10-10 10:10:19 AM  
I had a not so bright boss on one job. While passing out paychecks he said he couldn't find mine. I told him, "That's it right there". He says "But this says William, I thought your name was Bill".
2003-10-10 10:10:50 AM  
During the design phase of a client's Web site, we were discussing a page that would allow existing clients to refer others to their company. He wanted to have the phrase "our greatest source of new business - YOU!"

We couldn't help but laugh in his face when he asked us if we could turn part of the screen into a mirror so that they could see their own reflection. "Sure, Bob....we'll just use the "reflective pixel."

We had a pretty good relationship, and they chose us in part because we were so frank. He didn't even seem to mind when I gave him shiat for walking into our office with shorts and black socks. "Looking good, Bob" I shouted as he rounded the corner. Several of my coworkers had to leave before they fell over.
2003-10-10 10:13:31 AM  
I worked as a lifeguard at the city swimming complex. As I walked by the guard shack one day, Wendy has a clipboard and pen in her hand and asks me how to spell hymen. I asked her why she needed to know. She replied that she had to give a lady the hymen maneuver because she was choking, so she was writing up an incident report. I just said "I hate I missed seeing that" and kept on walking, laughing my arse off.

Harimwakairi: Kudos to you. That killed me.
2003-10-10 10:18:16 AM  
I worked in a large grocery store with a large Jewish clientele, and the owner was Jewish too. Each Passover they'd deck out a large section of one aisle with tinfoil on shelves, loads of kosher foods, etc. One year they did this in the same aisle as the pet food for some reason.

So one day a customer comes in and asks where the kosher section is. I said "Aisle 5, with the dog food."

I almost got fired for that one. The funny thing is, I didn't even make a connection nor was trying to be funny or smartass.
2003-10-10 10:18:41 AM  
Flabbergasting big-shiate-in-small-cup micromanaging boss who was convinced he knew how to do everything that everyone was doing:

A week before a trade show where we were going to show a demo of the webapp we were doing, my programmer-pal and I said (when faced with incredible list of unreasonable demands) "we can make the demo EITHER with a lot of more features, in time for the show, OR we can make it sufficiently stable so it doesn't bug out all the time"

He blithely explains to us, like the master talking to his inexperienced pupils: "It should be BOTH with more features AND stable..!" - What a great idea!! Why didn't we think of THAT!?!?

We looked at eachother - feeling a thick, dark veil of despair sink over the room - wich went completely unnoticed by the present bossheads..

First time I realized that Dilbert WASN'T living in some made-up world. We quit soon after - following other displays of idiocy.

The company is happily dead.
2003-10-10 10:19:09 AM  
When my husband was laying out a newspaper page (in the old days -- with glue and paper) his tyrannical (and insane) boss told him to change the grocery add, it was wrong -- it needed to have "right-facing bananas."

Which way do bananas face? What are they looking at?

Western Maine. (Shudder.)
2003-10-10 10:21:06 AM  

You must work for my company!! My boss tells me to do something and I spend a few weeks doing it. I email him every 1 to 2 days with examples and ask him for feedback, he always replies, "Great, thanks!!". Then he comes into my office and i show him personally, and he says, "What is this? This is totally useless to me? Why are you working on this?"

At first, I replied, "Cause you told me to?" I did get some immediate feedback then, he said that he was getting "figity" and that I "don't want to see him figity?"

It's funny when an old man in a tigger tie threatens you with figityness. Sooo... anyone need a computer guy?
2003-10-10 10:26:45 AM  
Harimwakairi, that was absolutely the greatest~!
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