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(Some Guy)   Farker el_hueso locked down in mall while cops look for armed robber. Right now   ( divider line
    More: Scary  
•       •       •

14217 clicks; posted to Main » on 08 Aug 2003 at 3:29 PM (14 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

527 Comments     (+0 »)

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2003-08-08 04:45:39 PM  
and to Lionleg's followers

Cut that crap out right now, it was cute at "third." lol
2003-08-08 04:45:53 PM  
fry-yah, my eyes just can't see 'em. i do wear glasses... i could really identify with the 'there is no easter bunny' comment.
2003-08-08 04:46:12 PM  
el_hueso: All the smokers in the office are gonna have a meltdown

Cool! let them loose on the perp!
There'll be nothing left of him.
2003-08-08 04:46:19 PM  
Just ask the secretary to make a copy or find one laying around(esp. in the trash). If that doesnt work, just go seduce/steal the flyer from the secretary!
2003-08-08 04:46:50 PM  
I knew a guy who used the phrase "colored folk" in 2003.
2003-08-08 04:46:53 PM  
el_hueso.. You should suggest to your boss that in this trying time it might be a great idea to work on some Total Quality Management Team Building excersises.

With Terry Tatum, Office Linebacker??? :D
2003-08-08 04:47:01 PM  
KATU update says he's 30-40 and 6 feet 2 with a pencil thin mustache...

I think there's a need for them to figure out if he's 5'10 or 6'2 before they start announcing these things.
2003-08-08 04:47:06 PM  
If el_hueso was El Hombre, this whole thing would be over.

/Pee-Wee's Playhouse
2003-08-08 04:47:10 PM  
Godzilla: See! I knew you could do it. You just have to believe in yourself and convince 500 wealthy people to believe in you, too. You're on your way! The night time is the right time!
2003-08-08 04:47:23 PM  
Godzilla, don't form a cult when there is already one formed, that no one's supposed to talk about.
2003-08-08 04:47:35 PM  

Here comes the pain!
2003-08-08 04:48:39 PM  
Bonzy20: I don't remember. I think he was in Indianapolis for a while, and then moved north of Zionsville, but before West Lafayette.

I think I remember reading on Fark a while back that his old church was for sale. Where are you in Indy?
2003-08-08 04:48:41 PM  
Woah. Deep stuff.
2003-08-08 04:48:46 PM  
Hey El, can you cry on demand?

If so, sneak into a meeting room with nobody around and then call the local news station... start crying, and tell them you're one of the ones trapped inside. Lead them on and on about how it's all chaotic and scary and you're afraid for your life and stuff. Help the media blow this into a four alarm incident... and then maybe you can get book and movie deals later.
Step 1: Be taken hostage inside a bigass mall.
Step 2: ???
Step 3: Profit!
2003-08-08 04:48:50 PM  
And just remember, if you can keep your wits while all around you are losing theirs, you probably have no grasp of the severity of the situation.
2003-08-08 04:49:22 PM  
"If that doesnt work, just go seduce/steal the flyer from the secretary!"

Greatest. Plan. Evar.

The best of all worlds...!
2003-08-08 04:50:21 PM  
They are gone.
we will now return to our regularly scheduled program
2003-08-08 04:50:39 PM  
el_hueso: Try throwing your lifeless body into the food court. That's bound to get you on TV.
2003-08-08 04:50:57 PM  
If I was el_hueso I would be dressing up like a ninja right now stalking around my office throwing shadow kicks at the interns... until I actually saw someone with a gun, then I would scream like a silly biatch and run away.
2003-08-08 04:50:59 PM  
it updated again. The story now says they pulled the uniformed cops out of the mall after the search didn't turn anything up
2003-08-08 04:51:01 PM  
Now THIS is quality entertainment.
2003-08-08 04:51:14 PM  
This story is so much more exciting when you've actually been to the mall. You can visualize it so much more clearly... the water-massage-machine attendant desperately seeking cover... the Meier & Frank cosmetic counter workers prepared to mount a last-ditch defense with their perfume squirters.

/one last Karmel Korn before I die, please
2003-08-08 04:51:22 PM  

Dude, since your at the mall and if its not too much trouble, can you pick me up a 24 pack of "AA" batteries from Radio Shack?
Thanks man your the greatest!
2003-08-08 04:51:23 PM  

u zee? i zam bi-lingual
2003-08-08 04:51:35 PM  
mildlydisturbed, maybe he bought some new shoes? With lifts?
2003-08-08 04:51:36 PM  
Sadly, Fark not mentioned. wtf?
2003-08-08 04:51:43 PM  
BoneStorm: thanks :D. Exactly what I was thinking. If el_hueso plays his cards right, he could get the flyer and nookie!
2003-08-08 04:52:32 PM  
Godzilla I'm in Fort Wayne, actually..
2003-08-08 04:52:35 PM  
PopDog. I dunno whether the Animal Husbandry was a dig or not.

Damn could someone invent a sarcasim button
2003-08-08 04:52:48 PM  

You owe me a new computer. I laughed so hard my internal organs came out my nose. LOL. They fell into my PC case and clogged the CPU fan.

I am writing this on my cellphone from the ambulance.
2003-08-08 04:52:49 PM  
this is even cooler than when we had a Farker inside of OJ's Bronco.

It's going to be sweet when everyone has wireless and we Farkers completely cover the planet, so we can be on the inside of nearly every breaking news story.

/not kidding
2003-08-08 04:52:55 PM  

Now THAT's how you provide a mental image. Still laughing here.
2003-08-08 04:53:08 PM  
Wow, already 386 posts. We could get a record if this goes on for a while

It's not interactive news, it's!
2003-08-08 04:53:21 PM  
el_hueso: Try throwing your lifeless body into the food court. That's bound to get you on TV.

I still like the getting naked thing. But it's obvious somebody has to do SOMETHING. This will NEVER make the national news if somebody doesn't do SOMETHING.

el_hueso, DO something wacko. Please!

How about dialing 911 and telling them that you are the guy in the mall and they should get off your back??? :D
2003-08-08 04:53:30 PM  
Quick Recap.

There's FBI with machine guns and shiat running around.
I have an office in the mall and went out to get lunch...and quickly realized something is wrong.
Of course, the first thing I thought to do was post it on FARK.
Looks like the bomb squad is here now. Also, people are still walking around shopping like nothing is wrong at all. Some stores have pulled down their gates thingies.
Media Circus setting up across the street. Helicopter overhead. Police dogs now in the mall. Gap closed. Ice Chalet open.
People are still walking around looking in the windows of the closed stores. I just walked out on the top level of the parking garage and gave the finger to the news chopper.
Looks like the article has been updated some. Also, they are searching cars driving out of the parking garage thing. I'm in the medical offices on the third floor, since someone asked.
Since school is out, the mall is full of high school wannabe gang bangers. So there is more than a handful of black people around inside here right now.
HenryWinkler - I posted that info about the number of blacks in the mall because someone said there were none in Portland and none in the mall. Not racism. Jeebus!
This just sent to me from Mall Security:
"They have not apprehended the suspect yet and will let us know when the action is concluded and it is safe to return to the mall."

At this point it looks like mostly just cops and FBI strolling around with big farking guns
They write to the secretary in the office and she forwards to the rest of us. There about 130 in my office/cube farm.
Coworkers are just doing their normal thing in their cubes...whatever that is. Media Circus still present across the street. No helicopter. The security goons are handing out fliers with the suspects picture to the stores but they won't give me one. Bastards. Radio Shack open...Sears closed.
My boss just posted a sign on the door telling us not to leave the office until further notice. Of course, she can't stand there the whole time. All the smokers in the office are gonna have a meltdown and second. I'll update as soon as I can or have something new.
2003-08-08 04:54:12 PM  
While waiting for el_hueso's next update, why doesn't everyone check out ?

There's SFW b00b13s!
2003-08-08 04:54:13 PM  
This is not going to bode well for the mall's Back To Cool!!! sales.
2003-08-08 04:54:20 PM  
tobster85: He could use the female orgasm article as a conversation starter too.
2003-08-08 04:54:35 PM  
crazyjim: Don't worry. As soon as I have a large enough congregation comfortable with tithing X 5 to my personal, ahem, church's account, I won't say another word! Until then, I have to preach the gospel. Then, my congregation will do the marketing for me.

Organized Religion: It's not a pyramid scheme. It's more like a holy trinity!

Zombie bless!
2003-08-08 04:55:16 PM  
Yep, the search is called off. From (where Drew is now a registered user):

Police called off the hunt for an armed robbery suspect in Portland's Lloyd Center Mall after searching unsuccessfully for a little more than three hours.

Several patrol cars were lined up surrounding the building, but a police spokesman said there were no plans to close the mall. Police, including members of a Portland bomb squad and at least one officer carrying an assault rifle, were stationed at every entrance and exit in and out of the mall.

An FBI spokeswoman confirmed there was a bank robbery just after 10 a.m., about 1.5 miles away from the mall at 4333 NE Sandy Blvd., the Hollywood branch of Washington Mutual Bank. Investigators believe the suspect first fled in a vehicle and then got out and ran on foot, possibly running into the mall.

The suspect is described as an African American man, about 511 tall, wearing glasses with a bald head and a pencil-thin mustache. Witnesses from the bank said he was initially wearing a brown and green, button-up shirt and matching pants or shorts, but police said the suspect may have changed his clothes inside the mall.

Investigators also said they believe they know the identity of the suspect, but are not ready to release that information to the public.

A number of people inside the Lloyd Center reported seeing a person who seemed to match the description but, as off 11:45 a.m., officers had not spotted the suspect. Police set up a command post along NE Multnomah Blvd., near an outdoor entrance to Nordstrom's, to organize the investigation.

Lloyd Center has extensive security cameras. Were trying to determine where the suspect may be, said Portland Police spokesman Sgt. Brian Schmautz. Were trying to determine if he remained in the mall or went out the other side.

Investigators need to review cameras pointed at about 30 entrances into the mall, so Schmautz said the work will be time-consuming. That's why lead investigators are trying to determine if there is something else they can do now to safely speed up the search process.

"We dont want citizens to be hurt, we dont want officers to be hurt, we want to make sure were doing whats best in this situation," Schmautz said.

At noon, traffic still appeared to still be flowing through the area as normal.

Some of managers of stores inside the mall decided to pull down their indoor security gates around noon, although police had not ordered them to shut down and customers remained inside the building.

The FBI recently released a list of serial robbery suspects they were searching for in the Portland-Metro area. However, authorities have not said if they believe today's suspect is one of those men.
2003-08-08 04:55:40 PM  


Dude, since your at the mall and if its not too much trouble, can you pick me up a 24 pack of "AA" batteries from Radio Shack?
Thanks man your the greatest!

Yes, and I notice there's a Marshall's in the mall. Can you check to see if they have any of those super-absorbent towels for $15. If you could loot them, all the better! Thanks in advance.
2003-08-08 04:56:10 PM  
Fark It: Brilliant recap! I could almost hear the Law & Order "du-dunk!" sound as each detail unfolded.
2003-08-08 04:56:19 PM  
When is the where_is_el_hueso blog starting up?
2003-08-08 04:56:25 PM  
R.I.P el_hueso
2003-08-08 04:56:25 PM  
el_hueso: you must snag and post the flyer with the suspects pic on. Would make for a killer photoshop contest. . .
/extremely entertained by this

I second that motion.




sixth, dont forget paypal at "to­20­2­20[nospam-﹫-backwards]o­ohay*com" just incase, lol
2003-08-08 04:56:41 PM  
Don't ask me why all the apostrophes got dropped on the cut and paste job above.
2003-08-08 04:56:48 PM  
Godzilla: For additional ideas, you should check out Adam Sandler's "Joining the Cult." It's very valuable to the young religious entrepreneur.
2003-08-08 04:57:31 PM  
"You might piss off the leader guy"

2003-08-08 04:57:37 PM  
2003-08-08 04:57:37 PM  
Gwendolyn - it wasn't a dig, it was supposed to be commedic, kind of like, at that point, I walked onto a set of a Vet hospital and started singing about being an Animal Husbandryer like Michael Palin did in Monty Python for being a Lumberjack.

Your job list and risk taking - uber-cool. Too bad Michigan doesn't have women like you.
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