Skip to content
 
If you can read this, either the style sheet didn't load or you have an older browser that doesn't support style sheets. Try clearing your browser cache and refreshing the page.

(Telegraph)   Theologian scholar says Jesus did not die on the cross and the Bible has been misinterpreted as there are no explicit references the use of nails or to crucifixion. The zombie part is 100% true though   (telegraph.co.uk) divider line
    More: Interesting, New Testament, Bibles, Good Friday, Romans, gospels, Gothenburg University  
•       •       •

12539 clicks; posted to Main » on 25 Jun 2010 at 5:18 PM (10 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook



190 Comments     (+0 »)
 


Oldest | « | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | » | Newest | Show all

 
2010-06-25 2:01:40 PM  
Caucasian Dreamcatcher Jesus cries about your shenanigans.

thestranger.comView Full Size
 
2010-06-25 2:08:52 PM  
He claims the Bible has been misinterpreted as there are no explicit references the use of nails or to crucifixion - only that Jesus bore a "staurus" towards Calvary which is not necessarily a cross but can also mean a "pole".

What about:

Now Thomas, one of the Twelve, called the Twin, was not with them when Jesus came. So the other disciples told him, "We have seen the Lord." But he said to them, "Unless I see in his hands the mark of the nails, and place my finger into the mark of the nails, and place my hand into his side, I will never believe."
 
2010-06-25 2:11:42 PM  
Jesus was a stripper.
 
2010-06-25 2:13:10 PM  
...and by that I mean I wonder how he explains this, because he obviously knows far more about the subject than I do.
 
2010-06-25 2:15:26 PM  
Wait, if he didn't die on the cross, he could be outside right now...watching me pee...from the bushes.
 
2010-06-25 2:19:34 PM  
Most Biblical scholars know this. Having been written years later by many different authors, many of the details contained within are factually inaccurate. One of the widest misconceptions is the name Jesus itself. Historians know his name probably was Steve.
 
2010-06-25 2:21:58 PM  
Nails? I thought it was screws.
 
2010-06-25 2:30:07 PM  
I'm pretty sure his 'parents' weren't named Mary and Joe either, i bet their real names were Mordecai and Zelda.
 
2010-06-25 2:32:26 PM  

Butterflew: I'm pretty sure his 'parents' weren't named Mary and Joe either, i bet their real names were Mordecai and Zelda.


Illustration of the actual Jesus:
zeldauniverse.netView Full Size
 
2010-06-25 2:52:13 PM  

ne2d: He claims the Bible has been misinterpreted as there are no explicit references the use of nails or to crucifixion - only that Jesus bore a "staurus" towards Calvary which is not necessarily a cross but can also mean a "pole".

What about:

Now Thomas, one of the Twelve, called the Twin, was not with them when Jesus came. So the other disciples told him, "We have seen the Lord." But he said to them, "Unless I see in his hands the mark of the nails, and place my finger into the mark of the nails, and place my hand into his side, I will never believe."


Easy, here it is originally: "Иако Тома (со грчки прекар Дидимус[o]) беше еден од дванаесетте Христови ученици, тој не беше со нив кога Исус им се појави."

See. No mention of "nail" anywhere!
 
2010-06-25 2:54:43 PM  
Wait till Biggus Dickus hears of this!!!!
 
2010-06-25 2:55:17 PM  

impaler: ne2d: He claims the Bible has been misinterpreted as there are no explicit references the use of nails or to crucifixion - only that Jesus bore a "staurus" towards Calvary which is not necessarily a cross but can also mean a "pole".

What about:

Now Thomas, one of the Twelve, called the Twin, was not with them when Jesus came. So the other disciples told him, "We have seen the Lord." But he said to them, "Unless I see in his hands the mark of the nails, and place my finger into the mark of the nails, and place my hand into his side, I will never believe."

Easy, here it is originally: "Иако Тома (со грчки прекар Дидимус[o]) беше еден од дванаесетте Христови ученици, тој не беше со нив кога Исус им се појави."

See. No mention of "nail" anywhere!


Dumbass. That's Russian. Everyone knows Jesus was American.
 
2010-06-25 3:00:56 PM  

PC LOAD LETTER: Dumbass. That's Russian


Macedonian actually.

It's all Greek to me.
 
2010-06-25 4:10:37 PM  
Did the Wyf of Bath also really fark that dude? I NEED TO KNOW WHAT PARTS OF FICTION ARE REAL!!!!
 
2010-06-25 4:32:15 PM  

strangeguitar: Wait till Biggus Dickus hears of this!!!!


*giggle*
 
2010-06-25 4:34:27 PM  
Any evidence that Jesus was left to die after being nailed to a cross is strikingly sparse - both in the ancient pre-Christian and extra-Biblical literature as well as The Bible...

Mr Samuelsson said: "That a man named Jesus existed in that part of the world and in that time is well-documented. He left a rather good foot-print in the literature of the time.

"I do believe that the mentioned man is the son of God. My suggestion is not that Christians should reject or doubt the biblical text.

"My suggestion is that we should read the text as it is, not as we think it is. We should read on the lines, not between the lines. The text of the Bible is sufficient. We do not need to add anything."


John 20.24 Now Thomas (called Didymus), one of the Twelve, was not with the disciples when Jesus came. 25 So the other disciples told him, "We have seen the Lord!"
But he said to them, "Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe it."
26 A week later his disciples were in the house again, and Thomas was with them. Though the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, "Peace be with you!" 27 Then he said to Thomas, "Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe."

28 Thomas said to him, "My Lord and my God!"
 
2010-06-25 4:36:15 PM  
Well, now that you mention it...once you start getting into "shiat the bible says happened that you can't actually prove," you might as well just toss out the whole damn thing.

Which I'm just fine with personally, having done so myself ages ago.
 
2010-06-25 4:44:21 PM  
And once again, Bevets: quotes a bible passage with the rock hard belief that it completely true and cannot be disputed.

The constant study of history and the new information that comes out is more facinating and more meaningfull than a book compiled from a bunch of crappy source material with the sole purpose of getting everyone to beleive a bunch of bull to keep their behavior in line.
 
2010-06-25 5:20:53 PM  
Wait, wait, wait. I've seen others claiming traditional stories aren't true because the Romans didn't crucify you through the palms, they did it through the wrists. And they had a bunch of evidence for that. But this guy claims the romans didn't crucify anyone then? I thought that was commonly accepted that they did?
 
2010-06-25 5:21:10 PM  

JerseyTim: Most Biblical scholars know this. Having been written years later by many different authors, many of the details contained within are factually inaccurate. One of the widest misconceptions is the name Jesus itself. Historians know his name probably was Steve.


The only thing that is not in debate is Jesus Christ's middle initial was "H"

Broktun
 
2010-06-25 5:21:46 PM  
img121.imageshack.usView Full Size

/actual photo
 
2010-06-25 5:21:49 PM  
Jesus Saves! He passes to Moses....he shoots HE SCORES!

/nuthin
//bless the fleet
 
2010-06-25 5:22:04 PM  
24 Now Thomascat (called 2catymus), one ov teh Twelf, was not wif teh desipuls wen Happy Cat caem.

25 So teh otehr desipuls told him, "OMG We haf seen teh Ceiling Cat's Kitten!" But him seded to dem, "His wounz--show dem to me."

26 Later him desipuls iz in teh house a gain, n Thomascat was wif dem. Though teh doors were locked, but Happy Cat waz liek "Oh hai! Purring fil u!"

27 Den him seded to Thomascat, "My wounz--let me show u them. Srsly."

28 Thomascat seded to him, "OMG! U rulz!"
 
2010-06-25 5:22:20 PM  
Joseph Smith already answered all these questions. Now, let me get back to scrapbooking last year's girls camp pictures.
 
2010-06-25 5:23:24 PM  
Proof that Dinosaurs and Humans co-existed on Earth:

"Amid the ferns, Grant saw the head of an animal. It was motionless, partially hidden in the fronds, the two large dark eyes watching them coldly.

The head was two feet long. From a pointed snout, a long row of teeth ran back to the hole of the auditory meatus which served as an ear. The head reminded him of a large lizzard, or perhaps a crocodile. The eyes did not blink, and the animal did not move. Its coloration as the infant's: yellow-brown with darker reddish markings, like the stripes of a tiger.

As Grant watched, a single forelimb reached up very slowly to part the fern beside the animal's face. The limb, Grant saw, was strongly muscled. The hand hand had three grasping fingers, each ending in curved claws. The hand gently, slowly, pushed aside the ferns.

Grant felt a chill and thought, He's hunting us."


It's right there in the book, see? I quoted it so it must be true! INCONTROVERTIBLE EVIDENCE!!
 
2010-06-25 5:23:37 PM  
So he was lying when he said he could see John's house from there?
 
2010-06-25 5:24:23 PM  
all of that is truly fascinating...however, this:

scottklarr.comView Full Size


will be the bible thumpers' response

/hot
 
2010-06-25 5:24:31 PM  
Now I'm wondering if Jesus really *did* build my hotrod.
 
2010-06-25 5:24:44 PM  

real_headhoncho: And once again, Bevets: quotes a bible passage with the rock hard belief that it completely true and cannot be disputed.


To be fair, the article is postulating something based on the text, so assuming the text is pretty fair.

Honestly, while this isn't my area of study so I don't know offhand what's going on from an article written by a layman, but I get the sense that the scholar in question is making a finer point about the discontinuity of various texts and then getting "science story"'d by the news cycle.
 
2010-06-25 5:25:13 PM  
Aw man, I was hoping to get in before someone used the Bible as evidence that the Bible is correct, but there's Bevets.
 
2010-06-25 5:25:18 PM  
www.bible.xxx is soon to arrive.
 
2010-06-25 5:26:46 PM  

oldebayer: Nails? I thought it was screws.


Yep, #6 1 1/2 inch galvanized hex-heads. Says so right there in the first chapter...
 
2010-06-25 5:26:46 PM  

CruJones: Wait, wait, wait. I've seen others claiming traditional stories aren't true because the Romans didn't crucify you through the palms, they did it through the wrists. And they had a bunch of evidence for that. But this guy claims the romans didn't crucify anyone then? I thought that was commonly accepted that they did?


I think his point is that crucifixion wasn't necessarily done by nailing someone to a cross.
 
2010-06-25 5:26:59 PM  

Shrink: Now I'm wondering if Jesus really *did* build my hotrod.


Have faith, he did. It was a love affair.
 
2010-06-25 5:27:01 PM  
"Jesus saves!"

"What!?"

"Well, he did multiclassed on Monk"

/Here's question, though
//The scholar claims that there is no historical accounts of crucifiction, but
///Maybe it was after, but wasn't Spartacus and his rebels crucified and set on the Roman roads?
////Very interesting article, BTW
 
2010-06-25 5:27:02 PM  
What the fark is a theologian scholar? Is that supposed to be an oxymoron?
 
2010-06-25 5:27:29 PM  

Bevets: Any evidence that Jesus was left to die after being nailed to a cross is strikingly sparse - both in the ancient pre-Christian and extra-Biblical literature as well as The Bible...

Mr Samuelsson said: "That a man named Jesus existed in that part of the world and in that time is well-documented. He left a rather good foot-print in the literature of the time.

"I do believe that the mentioned man is the son of God. My suggestion is not that Christians should reject or doubt the biblical text.

"My suggestion is that we should read the text as it is, not as we think it is. We should read on the lines, not between the lines. The text of the Bible is sufficient. We do not need to add anything."

John 20.24 Now Thomas (called Didymus), one of the Twelve, was not with the disciples when Jesus came. 25 So the other disciples told him, "We have seen the Lord!"
But he said to them, "Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe it."
26 A week later his disciples were in the house again, and Thomas was with them. Though the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, "Peace be with you!" 27 Then he said to Thomas, "Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe."

28 Thomas said to him, "My Lord and my God!"


how about this one;

"He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD. A bastard shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD; even to his tenth generation shall he not enter into the congregation of the LORD." (Deuteronomy 23:1-2)

Better wear a cup Beavis!
 
2010-06-25 5:27:36 PM  
What about the part where "JESUS NEVER EXSISTED". Is that in there?
 
2010-06-25 5:28:09 PM  
Either the Devil really has perfected the art of diabolical mimicry or there is a mystery to solve here. Let's review the evidence:

• Jesus is the savior of mankind, God made man, the Son of God equal with the Father; so is Osiris-Dionysus.

• Jesus is born of a mortal virgin who after her death ascends to heaven and is honored as a divine being; so is Osiris-Dionysus.


• Jesus is born in a cave on December 25 or January 6, as is Osiris-Dionysus. [My comments: The word usually translated as "stable" in the gospels is katalemna - literally, "temporary shelter" or "cave". It was a widespread early Christian tradition that Jesus was born in a cave.]

• The birth of Jesus is prophesied by a star; so is the birth of Osiris-Dionysus.

• Jesus is born in Bethlehem, which was shaded by a grove sacred to Osiris-Dionysus.

• Jesus is visited by the Magi, who are followers of Osiris-Dionysus.

• The Magi bring Jesus gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh, which a sixth-century BCE Pagan tells us is the way to worship God.

• Jesus is baptized, a ritual practiced for centuries in the Mysteries.

• The holy man who baptizes Jesus with water has the same name as a Pagan god of water and is born on the summer solstice celebrated as a Pagan water festival.

• Jesus offers his followers elemental baptisms of water, air, and fire, as did the Pagan Mysteries.

• Jesus is portrayed as a quiet man with long hair and a beard; so is Osiris-Dionysus.

• Jesus turns water into wine at a marriage on the same day that Osiris-Dionysus was previously believed to have turned water into wine at a marriage.

• Jesus heals the sick, exorcises demons, provides miraculous meals, helps fishermen make miraculous catches of fish, and calms the water for his disciples; all of these marvels had previously been performed by Pagan sages.

• Like the sages of the Mysteries, Jesus is a wandering wonder-worker who is not honored in his home town.

• Jesus is accused of licentious behavior, as were the followers of Osiris-Dionysus.

• Jesus is not at first recognized as a divinity by his disciples, but then is transfigured before them in all his glory; the same is true of Osiris-Dionysus.

• Jesus is surrounded by 12 disciples; so is Osiris-Dionysus.

• Jesus rides triumphantly into town on a donkey while crowds wave branches, as does Osiris-Dionysus.

• Jesus is a just man unjustly accused of heresy and bringing a new religion, as is Osiris-Dionysus.

• Jesus attacks hypocrites, stands up to tyranny, and willingly goes to his death predicting he will rise again in three days, as do Pagan sages.

• Jesus is betrayed for 30 pieces of silver, a motif found in the story of Socrates.

• Jesus is equated with bread and wine, as is Osiris-Dionysus.

• Jesus' disciples symbolically eat bread and drink wine to commune with him, as do the followers of Osiris-Dionysus.

• Jesus is hung on a tree or crucified, as is Osiris-Dionysus.

• Jesus dies as a sacrifice to redeem the sins of the world; so does Osiris-Dionysus.

• Jesus' corpse is wrapped in linen and anointed with myrrh, as is the corpse of Osiris-Dionysus.

• After his death Jesus descends to hell, then on the third day resurrects before his disciples and ascends into heaven, where he is enthroned by God and waits to reappear at the end of time as a divine judge, as does Osiris-Dionysus.

• Jesus was said to have died and resurrected on exactly the same dates that the death and resurrection of Osiris-Dionysus were celebrated.

• Jesus' empty tomb is visited by three women followers. Osiris-Dionysus also has three women followers who visit an empty cave.

• Through sharing in his passion Jesus offers his disciples the chance to be born again, as does Osiris-Dionysus.

/not my list
//osiris and/or dionysus, not a crazy hybrid god. But a drunk owlhead god would be cool
 
2010-06-25 5:28:42 PM  

I_C_Weener: Wait, if he didn't die on the cross, he could be outside right now...watching me pee...from the bushes.


Why are you peeing from the bushes? You're supposed to pee into them...
 
2010-06-25 5:28:49 PM  
tehresistance.files.wordpress.comView Full Size

Well, he was a very naughty boy.

/hot like Biggus Dickus' wife
 
2010-06-25 5:28:56 PM  
FTA: "That a man named Jesus existed in that part of the world and in that time is well-documented. He left a rather good foot-print in the literature of the time."

LOL. That's when He carried me.
 
2010-06-25 5:29:09 PM  
Thank goodness that issue is finally settled.
 
2010-06-25 5:29:13 PM  
The J-Dubs say their Christ died on a STAKE, not a cross.

So that makes him a VAMPIRE, not a zombie.
 
2010-06-25 5:29:25 PM  

CrankMyBlueSax: What the fark is a theologian scholar? Is that supposed to be an oxymoron?


A man or a woman that devotes their Academic life in the study of sacred texts of different religions. There are Christian Scholars (plenty are catholic, lutheran, or anglican), Jewish Scholars, Islamic Scholars, Budhist Scholars...
 
2010-06-25 5:30:02 PM  
img101.imageshack.usView Full Size
 
2010-06-25 5:30:14 PM  

aggravatedmonkey: all of that is truly fascinating...however, this:

will be the bible thumpers' response

/hot


I loved recently the "Hey if evolution is true why have we found no fossil of a transitional species between birds and dinosaurs?"

They really try to not to learn the answers to their own questions.
 
2010-06-25 5:30:22 PM  
only that Jesus bore a "staurus" towards Calvary which is not necessarily a cross but can also mean a "pole".
Picture of the theologian scholar:
pibillwarner.files.wordpress.comView Full Size
 
2010-06-25 5:31:10 PM  
pft!

Next people will be saying Osiris wasn't actually murdered by his evil brother Set.
 
2010-06-25 5:31:38 PM  

Day_Old_Dutchie: The J-Dubs say their Christ died on a STAKE, not a cross.

So that makes him a VAMPIRE, not a zombie.


farm4.static.flickr.comView Full Size
 
Displayed 50 of 190 comments


Oldest | « | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | » | Newest | Show all



This thread is archived, and closed to new comments.

Continue Farking




On Twitter




In Other Media
  1. Links are submitted by members of the Fark community.

  2. When community members submit a link, they also write a custom headline for the story.

  3. Other Farkers comment on the links. This is the number of comments. Click here to read them.

  4. Click here to submit a link.