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(The Onion)   "Holy Farking Shit: Attack on America" special edition   ( divider line
    More: Satire  
•       •       •

5817 clicks; posted to Main » on 26 Sep 2001 at 9:02 AM (16 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

47 Comments     (+0 »)
2001-09-26 09:13:39 AM  
Brilliant take on the events! I think the Onion's been lacking in humor lately, but this issue nailed it on the head. Gonna go line up a print copy for myself right now!
2001-09-26 09:16:02 AM  
They waited long enough.
The Onion is the best.
2001-09-26 09:17:37 AM  
I'm usually really hard on these guys, but this issue was really really funny
2001-09-26 09:22:49 AM  
2001-09-26 09:25:51 AM  
My onion wouldn't come up... the page was sorta rendering so I did a view source..

very strange onion meta tags:
Marilyn Manson, cock, babies,

and ninja, f*ck, baby,
children, porn, pope, Don King, penis, and beer, pot, masturbation, Bill Nye, trailer park, police

oh well the onion can be funny without rendering content :)
2001-09-26 09:26:30 AM  
i can't get a print copy out here!
2001-09-26 09:31:29 AM  
On NBC tonight at 9 pm ("On TV Tonight"):

America's Time Of Trial: Who farking Wants Some? You? Do You? How 'Bout You?
2001-09-26 09:39:17 AM  
NEWSFLASH: "The age of irony" found alive, well
2001-09-26 10:14:19 AM  
I used to be able to get the Onion. Now my farking company has it blocked.
2001-09-26 10:20:46 AM  
Jerry Falwell: Is That Guy A Dick Or What?

2001-09-26 10:41:55 AM  
I don't know if it's me or my company, but I seem to get the Onion logo and no articule. Anyone else get this or similar?
2001-09-26 10:50:24 AM  
Goatman I had the same issue.
2001-09-26 10:51:03 AM  
President Urges Calm, Restraint Among Nation's Ballad Singers
WASHINGTON, DC- In the wake of the recent national tragedy, President Bush is urging Mariah Carey, Michael Jackson, and other singers to resist the urge to record mawkish, insipid all-star tribute ballads. "To America's recording artists, I just want to say, please, there has already been enough suffering," Bush said. "The last thing we need right now is a soaring Barbra Streisand-Brian McKnight duet titled 'One For All.'" Reports that the FBI had confiscated several notebooks and audio tapes from Diane Warren's home could not be confirmed as of press time.

Brilliant, just brilliant. The Onion, as usual, is excellent.

2001-09-26 11:06:43 AM  
Could someone copy and paste the text in here? That little snippet's got my juices going.
2001-09-26 11:09:46 AM  
Bush Sr. Apologizes To Son For Funding Bin Laden In '80s
MIDLAND, TX- Former president George Bush issued an apology to his son Monday for advocating the CIA's mid-'80s funding of Osama bin Laden, who at the time was resisting the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan. "I'm sorry, son," Bush told President George W. Bush. "We thought it was a good idea at the time because he was part of a group fighting communism in Central Asia. We called them 'freedom fighters' back then. I know it sounds weird. You sort of had to be there." Bush is still deliberating over whether to tell his son about the whole supporting-Saddam Hussein-against-Iran thing.
2001-09-26 11:41:16 AM  
I thought this one was the best myself...

""Islamic law states, 'An eye for an eye.' By that logic, we should destroy one of Osama bin Laden's skyscrapers. Problem is, he doesn't have any, because he lives in farking underground caves."
2001-09-26 12:07:58 PM  
The "TV Lineup Tonight" is the funniest damn thing I've read in months.

Animal Planet: "fark Everything, Here's Some Zebra Footage"

2001-09-26 12:15:03 PM  
i watched a ton of the zebras. it was nice to just check out animals for a bit.

here's one:
[image from too old to be available]

NEW YORK-Responding to recent events on Earth, God, the omniscient creator-deity worshipped by billions of followers of various faiths for more than 6,000 years, angrily clarified His longtime stance against humans killing each other Monday.

"Look, I don't know, maybe I haven't made myself completely clear, so for the record, here it is again," said the Lord, His divine face betraying visible emotion during a press conference near the site of the fallen Twin Towers. "Somehow, people keep coming up with the idea that I want them to kill their neighbor. Well, I don't. And to be honest, I'm really getting sick and tired of it. Get it straight. Not only do I not want anybody to kill anyone, but I specifically commanded you not to, in really simple terms that anybody ought to be able to understand."
Worshipped by Christians, Jews, and Muslims alike, God said His name has been invoked countless times over the centuries as a reason to kill in what He called "an unending cycle of violence."

"I don't care how holy somebody claims to be," God said. "If a person tells you it's My will that they kill someone, they're wrong. Got it? I don't care what religion you are, or who you think your enemy is, here it is one more time: No killing, in My name or anyone else's, ever again."

The press conference came as a surprise to humankind, as God rarely intervenes in earthly affairs. As a matter of longstanding policy, He has traditionally left the task of interpreting His message and divine will to clerics, rabbis, priests, imams, and Biblical scholars. Theologians and laymen alike have been given the task of pondering His ineffable mysteries, deciding for themselves what to do as a matter of faith. His decision to manifest on the material plane was motivated by the deep sense of shock, outrage, and sorrow He felt over the Sept. 11 violence carried out in His name, and over its dire potential ramifications around the globe.

"I tried to put it in the simplest possible terms for you people, so you'd get it straight, because I thought it was pretty important," said God, called Yahweh and Allah respectively in the Judaic and Muslim traditions. "I guess I figured I'd left no real room for confusion after putting it in a four-word sentence with one-syllable words, on the tablets I gave to Moses. How much more clear can I get?"

"But somehow, it all gets twisted around and, next thing you know, somebody's spouting off some nonsense about, 'God says I have to kill this guy, God wants me to kill that guy, it's God's will,'" God continued. "It's not God's will, all right? News flash: 'God's will' equals 'Don't murder people.'"

Worse yet, many of the worst violators claim that their actions are justified by passages in the Bible, Torah, and Qur'an.

"To be honest, there's some contradictory stuff in there, okay?" God said. "So I can see how it could be pretty misleading. I admit it-My bad. I did My best to inspire them, but a lot of imperfect human agents have misinterpreted My message over the millennia. Frankly, much of the material that got in there is dogmatic, doctrinal bullshiat. I turn My head for a second and, suddenly, all this stuff about homosexuality gets into Leviticus, and everybody thinks it's God's will to kill gays. It absolutely drives Me up the wall."

God praised the overwhelming majority of His Muslim followers as "wonderful, pious people," calling the perpetrators of the Sept. 11 attacks rare exceptions.

"This whole medieval concept of the jihad, or holy war, had all but vanished from the Muslim world in, like, the 10th century, and with good reason," God said. "There's no such thing as a holy war, only unholy ones. The vast majority of Muslims in this world reject the murderous actions of these radical extremists, just like the vast majority of Christians in America are pissed off over those two bigots on The 700 Club."

Continued God, "Read the book: 'Allah is kind, Allah is beautiful, Allah is merciful.' It goes on and on that way, page after page. But, no, some assholes have to come along and revive this stupid holy-war crap just to further their own hateful agenda. So now, everybody thinks Muslims are all murderous barbarians. Thanks, Taliban: 1,000 years of pan-Islamic cultural progress down the drain."

God stressed that His remarks were not directed exclusively at Islamic extremists, but rather at anyone whose ideological zealotry overrides his or her ability to comprehend the core message of all world religions.

"I don't care what faith you are, everybody's been making this same mistake since the dawn of time," God said. "The Muslims massacre the Hindus, the Hindus massacre the Muslims. The Buddhists, everybody massacres the Buddhists. The Jews, don't even get me started on the hardline, right-wing, Meir Kahane-loving Israeli nationalists, man. And the Christians? You people believe in a Messiah who says, 'Turn the other cheek,' but you've been killing everybody you can get your hands on since the Crusades."

Growing increasingly wrathful, God continued: "Can't you people see? What are you, morons? There are a ton of different religious traditions out there, and different cultures worship Me in different ways. But the basic message is always the same: Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Buddhism, Shintoism... every religious belief system under the sun, they all say you're supposed to love your neighbors, folks! It's not that hard a concept to grasp."

"Why would you think I'd want anything else? Humans don't need religion or God as an excuse to kill each other-you've been doing that without any help from Me since you were freaking apes!" God said. "The whole point of believing in God is to have a higher standard of behavior. How obvious can you get?"

"I'm talking to all of you, here!" continued God, His voice rising to a shout. "Do you hear Me? I don't want you to kill anybody. I'm against it, across the board. How many times do I have to say it? Don't kill each other anymore-ever! I'm farking serious!"

Upon completing His outburst, God fell silent, standing quietly at the podium for several moments. Then, witnesses reported, God's shoulders began to shake, and He wept.
2001-09-26 12:17:30 PM  
sheesh, i'll try to make a bigger post next time. duh.
TV Listing: "MTV, Carson Daly in way over his head". hahahahahahha. carson daly's an asshair.

2001-09-26 12:21:43 PM  
That's actually quite poigniant.
2001-09-26 12:27:01 PM  
When I first saw it I thought "oh no", but the writers at the Onion proved me wrong in any imaginable way. What makes this work is that each and every article has a clear, well made, and valid point.

I didn't think anyone would have the balls to touch these events for months, if then. But the Onion did it after 2 weeks and did it right. Mad ups to them.
2001-09-26 12:37:46 PM  
Finally, The Onion does something relevant and on-the-money.
2001-09-26 12:49:46 PM  
This is as good as their election coverage issue... :)
2001-09-26 12:57:07 PM  
I love the Onion most of any site. (Except Fark, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings...). Anyone got the Our Dumb Century book? "Archduke Franz Ferdinand Found Alive: World War I A Mistake". Genius.

NB did you hear the dyslexic SAS moved in on John Lewis? they saw the sign saying Bed Linen here.
2001-09-26 12:59:17 PM  
JAHANNEM, OUTER DARKNESS-The hijackers who carried out the Sept. 11 attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon expressed confusion and surprise Monday to find themselves in the lowest plane of Na'ar, Islam's Hell.

Above: Mohammed Atta (top) and Ahmed al-Haznawi.
"I was promised I would spend eternity in Paradise, being fed honeyed cakes by 67 virgins in a tree-lined garden, if only I would fly the airplane into one of the Twin Towers," said Mohammed Atta, one of the hijackers of American Airlines Flight 11, between attempts to vomit up the wasps, hornets, and live coals infesting his stomach. "But instead, I am fed the boiling feces of traitors by malicious, laughing Ifrit. Is this to be my reward for destroying the enemies of my faith?"

U.S. Vows To Defeat Whoever It Is We're At War With »
American Life Turns Into Bad Jerry Bruckheimer Movie »
Not Knowing What Else To Do, Woman Bakes American-Flag Cake »
God Angrily Clarifies 'Don't Kill' Rule »
Point-Counterpoint: America's Response »
Talking To Your Child About The WTC Attack »
On TV Tonight »

The rest of Atta's words turned to raw-throated shrieks, as a tusked, asp-tongued demon burst his eyeballs and drank the fluid that ran down his face.

According to Hell sources, the 19 eternally damned terrorists have struggled to understand why they have been subjected to soul-withering, infernal torture ever since their Sept. 11 arrival.

"There was a tumultuous conflagration of burning steel and fuel at our gates, and from it stepped forth these hijackers, the blessed name of the Lord already turning to molten brass on their accursed lips," said Iblis The Thrice-Damned, the cacodemon charged with conscripting new arrivals into the ranks of the forgotten. "Indeed, I do not know what they were expecting, but they certainly didn't seem prepared to be skewered from eye socket to bunghole and then placed on a spit so that their flesh could be roasted by the searing gale of flatus which issues forth from the haunches of Asmoday."

"Which is strange when you consider the evil with which they ended their lives and those of so many others," added Iblis, absentmindedly twisting the limbs of hijacker Abdul Aziz Alomari into unspeakably obscene shapes.

"I was told that these Americans were enemies of the one true religion, and that Heaven would be my reward for my noble sacrifice," said Alomari, moments before his jaw was sheared away by faceless homunculi. "But now I am forced to suckle from the 16 poisoned leathern teats of Gophahmet, Whore of Betrayal, until I burst from an unwholesome engorgement of curdled bile. This must be some sort of terrible mistake."

Exacerbating the terrorists' tortures, which include being hollowed out and used as prophylactics by thorn-cocked Gulbuth The Rampant, is the fact that they will be forced to endure such suffering in sight of the Paradise they were expecting.

"It might actually be the most painful thing we can do, to show these murderers the untold pleasures that would have awaited them in Paradise, if only they had lived pious lives," said Praxitas, Duke of Those Willingly Led Astray. "I mean, it's tough enough being forced through a wire screen by the callused palms of Halcorym and then having your entrails wound onto a stick and fed to the toothless, foul-breathed swine of Gehenna. But to endure that while watching the righteous drink from a river of wine? That can't be fun."

Underworld officials said they have not yet decided on a permanent punishment for the terrorists.

"Eventually, we'll settle on an eternal and unending task for them," said Lord Androalphus, High Praetor of Excruciations. "But for now, everyone down here wants a crack at them. The legions of fang-wombed hags will take their pleasure on their shattered carcasses for most of this afternoon. Tomorrow, their flesh will be melted from their bones like wax in the burning embrace of the Mother of Cowards. The day after that, they'll be sodomized by the Fallen and their bowels shredded by a demonic ejaculate of burning sand. Then, on Sunday, Satan gets them all day. I can't even imagine what he's got cooked up for them."
2001-09-26 01:10:48 PM  
Damn you Onion and your non-rendering pages. How about transferring something more than an ad to me? Only one kind of evil can be behind this -- it must be bin Laden.
2001-09-26 01:26:57 PM  
I never try reading the Onion on Wednesdays, when the new editions come out. Every cube slacker (including me) needs a fix, which generally grinds their servers to a halt.

Try again tomorrow morning. It'll be up and speedy, and worth the wait.
2001-09-26 01:28:19 PM  
Oh yeah, if you need an irony fix and The Onion is farkdotted, try Modern Humorist. Daily updates, and their Fall TV Lineup feature is a classic.
2001-09-26 01:35:33 PM  
The non-rendering has been an ongoing problem with them. It's as if the site is hosted on a Commodore 64. I can just see some guy plugging the backup cassette tapes into that little player..
I love The Onion.. When I can LOG ONTO IT!!
2001-09-26 02:06:10 PM  
Probably won't be long before someone snags "Gulbuth The Rampant" as a Login name.

If you're on the West Coast, the Onion usually updates on Tuesdays around 3-4pm.
2001-09-26 02:46:14 PM  
speaking of old Onion articles, did anyone see the "God diagnosed with bipolar disorder" one? I'm new and I just read a couple of posts, so if this is off topic, forgive me.
2001-09-26 03:00:37 PM  
Black, black, black humor. Don't know whether to laugh or cry. Confused. Someone please help me.

My fav, from "WDYT?"
"One thing we don't want is another Vietnam, so its a good thing the Vietnamese have been cleared of any wrongdoing."
2001-09-26 03:04:07 PM  
I got on the Onion (Not a thinly veiled drug reference). The article about god and don't kill rule is excellent. I wish I had found them sooner (only found out about them on Conan when the our dumb century book was published). Onion=truth
2001-09-26 03:23:00 PM  
Didnt The Onion just recently move their head office from Wisconson to downtown New York? Cant even imagine coming into work the next day and being 'funny and irreverant' for the next issue to ship on time in a couple weeks.

They did a damn fine job; should be proud of this one. Maybe Ill send a hardcopy Osama's way, neatly duct taped to a Patriot missle.
2001-09-26 03:27:42 PM  

didn't think it was that funny, not as good as it used to be.. fark is still way funnier! :p

what happened to articles like disgruntled ninja kills coworkers? :(
2001-09-26 04:06:12 PM  
BorlaK: they'll be back. i'd figure that, since they tend to parody current events, and current events are rather well dominated by the horror & humanity out NY and Washington DC way, they had a whole update devoted to it.
anyone read the hard copy? just as funny, plus the local WI ads in place are a blast too.
one of my faves from the website was "Man Prone To Lying Beds Woman Prone To Lying Prone". shiat yesh

2001-09-26 05:05:29 PM  
I submitted the "Hijackers surprised to find selves in Hell" one, but I'm glad the whole issue is here instead. And Londongirl; I have the "Our Dumb Century" book, as that was where I discovered the Onion. I just got the new book, and it has some of the archived articles like "Christ kills two, wounds seven in abortion clinic attack" and "Fox defends airing of When Jews Attack"
Good stuff.
2001-09-26 06:39:24 PM  
Has dropped off alot lately, but this one was excellent.
I can get Onion all day long here at work, but all sports sites are blocked. Your Gov'ment at work kids.
Do you think Herb K. and Smoove B. will form a covert infiltration team bound for Afaghanistan?
2001-09-26 08:55:54 PM  
Loved the God article.
2001-09-26 10:16:14 PM  
The Onion.
Peeling away the layers and bringing a tear to my eye.
2001-09-26 10:57:55 PM  
Our Dumb Century rules.

(That's where the "French Surrender" thing comes from, ya know.)
2001-09-26 10:58:55 PM  
My favorite? One of the Animal Planet show's from the TV listings:

"Sharks: Terrorists of the Sea"
2001-09-27 12:42:20 AM  
2001-09-27 09:32:08 AM  
does anyone have the ability to get a hard copy of this? if you can, and be willing to send one to me (i'll pay of course), email me: l­uke[nospam-﹫-backwards]hcihwd­na­sma­j*c­om
2001-09-27 07:13:32 PM  
These guys are geniuses. Just read the "God" article. Very funny, very poignant. Last line made me want to cry.
2001-09-27 07:14:47 PM  
"Just read the "God" article."

Huh, I just realized that could be read two ways, and both ways work fine.
Yes, I just read it. Yes, you should just read it.
2001-09-27 07:29:15 PM  
I remember the WWII headline from "Our Dumb Century",
"France Surrenders After Valiant Ten-minute Struggle: 'We left your rooms just the way they were!'"
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