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(Farktography) Farktography Theme of Farktography Contest No. 223: "Do It Yourself". Details and rules in the first post. LGT next week's theme   ( divider line
    More: Farktography, Contests  
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870 clicks; posted to Main » on 13 Aug 2009 at 12:01 AM (11 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook

Voting Results (Votes)
View Voting Results: Votes

2009-08-12 8:01:10 PM  
31 votes:
Step 1. Collect Underpants Full Size

Step 2. ???? Full Size

Step 3. Profit! Full Size
2009-08-12 9:18:17 PM  
30 votes:
How to be Gangsta in Three Easy Steps
by bucky_bacon

Step 1: Ask to borrow $20 from your mom.

speedpicks.comView Full Size

Step 2: Buy a book of hand shadows. Don't spend more than $3.

speedpicks.comView Full Size

Step 3: Use the internet to share what you've learned!

speedpicks.comView Full Size

Now that's Gangsta!

2009-08-12 8:03:46 PM  
25 votes:
Elsinore's Guide to Creating Art Too Deviant for deviantArt.
A true story and cautionary tale.

1. Obtain a camera. Any camera will do. Full Size

2. Obtain Barbie dolls. A Ken doll would be a bonus, too. Full Size

3. Shoot your Barbie and Ken dolls in various compromising, yet hilarious positions. Full Size

Now you, too, can be deemed too deviant for dA!
2009-08-12 8:01:08 PM  
24 votes:
To all the fellas out there with ladies to impress
It's easy to do, just follow these steps

Step 1: Cut a hole in a box Full Size

Step 2: Put your junk in that box Full Size

Step 3: Have her open the box Full Size

And that's the way you do it!
2009-08-12 9:15:28 PM  
23 votes:
How to Succeed at Farktography
by bucky_bacon

Step 1: Use cute baby pictures

speedpicks.comView Full Size

Step 2: Use your subject to spell out "FARK"

speedpicks.comView Full Size

Step 3: If all else fails... BUGGSECKS!

speedpicks.comView Full Size

Good Luck!

2009-08-12 8:01:45 PM  
21 votes:
Today we're teaching you the oh so important skill of making toast!

Firstly you'll select two slices of bread out of the bag (bread of your own choice of course)
i25.tinypic.comView Full Size

Inset the bread into the lovely toater. Once you push the button down, the machine does the hard part for you! Mmm toasty! Remember to set your color before hitting that button! Burnt toast is yucky...
i28.tinypic.comView Full Size

Once it pops out hot and golden, then of course something needs to go on the toast! I prefer butter but you can use jelly or jam or that gross marmalade stuff too.
i29.tinypic.comView Full Size

Now it's ready for consumption! Bon appetite!
2009-08-12 8:40:59 PM  
20 votes:
First, get a drill, a stapler and some screw back spikes.
Then drill a hole in the stapler.
staplermofo.comView Full Size

Put the screw through the hole.
staplermofo.comView Full Size

Screw the spike into the screw.
staplermofo.comView Full Size

2009-08-12 8:06:23 PM  
20 votes:
Swampa's chicken caesar salad
stevecollis.comView Full Size

Assemble the ingredients: Lettuce, bacon, eggs, bread, roast chicken, parmesan cheese and caesar sauce.
stevecollis.comView Full Size

Prepare the ingredients: Rip the lettuce into 1 inch squares, cook the bacon and cut into small strips, hard boil the eggs and cut into pieces, toast the bread and cut into small pieces, rip the chicken into small pieces and grate the cheese.
Once that is done, mix all the ingredients except the caesar sauce together.
stevecollis.comView Full Size

Put the mixture in a bowl then drizzle the caesar sauce over it when ready to serve (it makes the mixture go soggy otherwise).

/All images pop to bigger.

2009-08-12 8:01:55 PM  
20 votes:
How you can use farktography to skillfully convince the neighborhood that you're nutso in 3 easy steps

1. Line up your pez collection on the front porch like a little army. Take lots of pictures. Full Size

2. Hang a plastic toy horse from a noose. Wander around the back yard dangling said horse in front of your camera for 10 minutes. Full Size

3. Put a panty on your head. Take lots of pictures of yourself on the back porch, not noticing the work crew next door staring in shocked disbelief. Full Size

B-sides for the Collections, Word Play and Vice themes. Click for biggger.

2009-08-12 8:47:34 PM  
18 votes:
How to make your own wedding bands

Step 1. Marry a metalsmith who owns a kiln, oxyacetylene torches, vacuum caster, dental wax and a stash of silver (the ring your ex gave you works just fine, too.) Use her skills to make a master ring out of dental wax.

i3.photobucket.comView Full Size

Step 2. After encasing the master in investment material and firing it in the kiln at 12000 for six hours to cook out the wax, melt your ex's gift in a crucible with the oxyacetylene torch and pour the hot metal into the mold.

i3.photobucket.comView Full Size

Step 3. Once the metal has set up, quench the investment in a bucket of water to break up the mold. Fish the new token of one's affection out of the water and polish to taste.

i3.photobucket.comView Full Size

(my woman has looms, spinning wheels and oxyacetylene torches...she has better tools than I do.)

2009-08-13 12:17:29 AM  
17 votes:
FOCUS Full Size

FLIRT Full Size

"FUN" ;) Full Size
2009-08-12 8:31:42 PM  
15 votes:
How to spin a collie

Step 1. Find a collie. Brush him vigorously. Collect the fluffy stuff.

i3.photobucket.comView Full Size

Step 2. Break out your Majacraft Susie spinning wheel and start spinning.

i3.photobucket.comView Full Size

Step 3. Take your skein of collieyarn to someone who knows how to knit.

i3.photobucket.comView Full Size

(note - no collies were harmed in the production of this tutorial...and prior knowledge of spinning might be helpful.)

2009-08-12 8:08:42 PM  
15 votes:
Swampa's katsudon
stevecollis.comView Full Size

Assemble the ingredients: Pork steaks, eggs, spring onions, panko bread crumbs, vegetable stock, soy sauce, sake, mirin and rice.
stevecollis.comView Full Size

Prepare the ingredients: Break an egg into a bowl and whisk it so that the white and yoke mix. Take the pork and put it in the egg then put it in the bread crumbs so that each piece is nicely coated. Cut the spring onions into half inch pieces. Mix 1/3 cup of soy sauce, 1/3 cup of mirin, 1 cup of vegetable stock and a splash of sake into a saucepan (this makes enough for two).
Cook the rice. Deep fry the pork. When almost done deep frying, put heat to the sauce. When the sauce is bubbling, add the spring onions and cook for about 5 minutes.
stevecollis.comView Full Size

Cut the deep fried pork into half inch strips. Put the rice in the bowl, put the pork on top, break an egg on top if that is your thing and then pour the sauce over the top.

/All images pop to bigger.

2009-08-12 8:02:38 PM  
14 votes:
Step One: Steal Panties Full Size


Step Two: ??? Full Size


Step Three: Profit!! Full Size


2009-08-12 8:03:12 PM  
13 votes:
Since you now know how to make toast, perhaps you'd like some tea to go with that toast.

First fill the tea ball with your favorite loose tea like so careful not to spill some like I did:
i32.tinypic.comView Full Size

Place the filled tea ball into a mug of your choice (I like the pretty flowers on this one!) Then you carefully pour hot water into the cup and over the tea ball (holding said ball is not necessary but I wanted to show off my nice nails :P )
i28.tinypic.comView Full Size

After proper steep time (check your tea box/canister for times!), remove the tea ball and drink (but be sure to let the tea cool so you don't burn yourself as I did. we almost got a spit take with this shot)
i26.tinypic.comView Full Size

/and fyi, it's black raspberry tea (yummy!) not Rose of Suzhou, which was a flowering tea which looked cool as hell but tasted like ass
//and for people who love tea, Teavana is a great place to find a huge variety of interesting teas
2009-08-12 8:01:15 PM  
13 votes:
Step 1: Cut a hole in the box Full Size Full Size Full Size

(all images pop larger)

/Mad props to Justin Timberlake (pops)
2009-08-12 9:38:00 PM  
12 votes:
Barbequing with a watermelon Full Size

2009-08-12 8:04:53 PM  
12 votes:
photos.imageevent.comView Full Size

photos.imageevent.comView Full Size

photos.imageevent.comView Full Size

How to Sharpen a Chainsaw

2009-08-12 8:02:14 PM  
12 votes:
2009-08-13 1:29:49 AM  
11 votes:
1: Put booze in the blender. Full Size

2: Drink until this happens. Full Size

3: Enjoy. Full Size

Special thanks to my old camera for dying in such a spectacular way.
2009-08-13 12:06:41 AM  
11 votes:
and then, after starting the Midnight Salmon Project, you realize you need *two* sets of three images for the farktography contest. Why not show the folks the behind the scenes?

step 1. yes, you're really making a marinade out of many peeled cloves of fresh garlic in the middle of the night. no, you didn't have to do it all in the dark. it's all facepaint and sequins, kids. you did, however, honestly take a six minute shot of your kitchen counter by fridge light, because you're a purist in only the really strange ways.

sacredartichoke.comView Full Size

step 2. yes, you really did have to go out into the garage to grind the cumin seeds and the anise and cut yourself on the Cuisinart blade. Not the first time you've made an unholy mess on the top of this poor washing machine in the name of Farktography. Yes, you could have taken the photo of the spinning food processor with the lights on, but dammit, it's dark outside and this is how you take photographs when it's dark. You know how much I spent on this tripod? Am I not going to use it? Oh hell no.

sacredartichoke.comView Full Size

step 3. after all the fun and games, you've got to clean the kitchen up now, gingerly, quietly, and keeping the Chili Incident of 2001 in mind, thoroughly, because after all, that poor woman puts up with enough of your late night antics without having to clean the kitchen in the morning.

sacredartichoke.comView Full Size

this week's farktography entries are dedicated to my loving wife April, who has gone to great lengths to lie to me about what I'm like to live with. I love you, babe.
2009-08-12 11:54:34 PM  
11 votes:
So if you're like me, you'll often forget about things like the big potluck down at the radio station where you do your volunteer show on every other Saturday night. So you'll find yourself sitting in the dark with the dog and the playstation, and realize you need to get to work. But you have to do so without waking your long-suffering spouse, who already has to brace herself for another winter of you traipsing around in the dark of Alaska taking photos of the sky in when it's freezing outside.

Step 1. quietly, and by the light of just the open fridge door, assemble all necessary ingredients for the dish you were planning on making.

sacredartichoke.comView Full Size

Step 2. Do a little light prep work in the dark, but realize you can't run the Cuisinart or you'll wake up the hyper-alert fox terrier, who will alert the neighborhood to your late night cooking. Gather all your knives, ingredients, food processor, spice grinder, mortar and pestle, bag of key limes, all that peeled garlic, and head out to the garage for a little food processing with the camping lanterns.

sacredartichoke.comView Full Size

Step 3. Casually stand around and take compliments on your roasted salmon with anise harissa like it was no big deal. Watch with pride as the hungry masses gather by the salmon like so many bearded Hawaiian shirt wearing hippie bears. Try not to nod off in the corner because you only slept 2 hours last night. Hooray public radio! No ma'am, you can't have the recipe. My Moroccan grandmother made me swear I'd never give it away. Yeah, well, I'm adopted. Hey, what'd you pay for that plate full of salmon, anyway? Wanna know what I paid for it?

sacredartichoke.comView Full Size

click any image for larger.
2009-08-12 8:19:23 PM  
11 votes: Full Size Full Size Full Size

find a bear
kill it with a knife
proudly display its remains :)
2009-08-13 9:45:57 AM  
10 votes:
How to turn a bowl on the lathe:

Step 1) Mount blank on lathe Full Size

Step 2) Remove all the wood that isn't a bowl Full Size

Step 3) Apply finish Full Size
2009-08-13 1:18:28 AM  
10 votes:
Playing the Fool

img515.imageshack.usView Full Size

1. The Board is set

img22.imageshack.usView Full Size

2. The opening mistake

img30.imageshack.usView Full Size

3. The game is lost.

Been awhile since I've participated in a Farktography thread. With I'd had more time to devote to this one. Didn't have the proper lighting to do this how I really wanted.

I wanted to also do "how to make the perfect Gin&Tonic".

Anyway, nice work (as usual), everyone. So many of you put my photography to shame. :)
2009-08-13 12:52:59 AM  
10 votes:
No idea what this DIY is about... but what the fark... here goes nothing.
Step 1: Choose a rock
i248.photobucket.comView Full Size

Step 2: Hold rock
i248.photobucket.comView Full Size

Step 3: Throw rock on floor
i248.photobucket.comView Full Size

Repeat steps as necessary until desired effect is achieved.
2009-08-12 9:31:28 PM  
10 votes:
Wow! I am seriously outclassed in this contest. So I whittled my narration down to 7 words:

1) Buy Wood
i226.photobucket.comView Full Size

2) Cut Wood
i226.photobucket.comView Full Size

3) Assemble and enjoy
i226.photobucket.comView Full Size
2009-08-12 8:05:59 PM  
10 votes:
Step One - Cut a hole in a box.

photos.imageevent.comView Full Size

Step Two - Put your junk in that box

photos.imageevent.comView Full Size

Step Three - Have her open the box.

photos.imageevent.comView Full Size

SNL Digital Short link to d#@k in a box video

Bigger Step #1
Bigger step #2
Bigger Step #3

2009-08-12 8:01:14 PM  
10 votes:
Learning Japanese, in 3 (not easy) steps:

farkt.ogra.phView Full Size

Kanji Practice

This is 大人の漢字練習(Otona no Kanji Renshuu) for the DS, the best Kanji learning system for the DS. Do this every day. (A book to give definitions for the kanji would be useful, the specific one depends on how you learn, but I use A Guide to Remembering Japanese Characters by Kenneth G. Henshall)

A 電子辞書 might be useful, but those can be gotten at HARD-OFF.

Read books, this is a simpler one aimed for a younger audience.

farkt.ogra.phView Full Size

Japanese Class In Japan

This didn't seem obvious to me until a year ago, but the best way to learn a language is to... go to a country where that language is spoken and take classes.

Do not teach English with the goal of studying Japanese in your spare time, that doesn't work.

farkt.ogra.phView Full Size

Be The Only White Guy In The Room

Put yourself in situations where you either speak Japanese or don't communicate. Yes all Japanese people study English, but that doesn't mean that they can talk in English. Meet people at International Parties, and then hang out with them.

Yes, it takes a long time. But, these are the pieces that were most important (or not as obvious as they should have been) to me.
2009-08-12 8:01:09 PM  
10 votes:
How to find a geocache

1. Buy a Garmin GPSMap 60csx unit. There are lots of other choices but none as good. Go to geocaching dot com and find a cache in your area that sounds like fun, then load the coordinates for the cache onto your Garmin. All caches have 1 to 5 star ratings showing how tricky the hide is and how tough the terrain will be. Full Size

2. Ignore all trails and easy routes. Cut right through the woods. Finding log bridges to balance on is a bonus. If you're bringing young ones along make sure to pack lots of trinkets that they can trade for "treasure" when you find the cache. Full Size

3. Step 3 = profit! Full Size

2009-08-12 9:16:44 PM  
8 votes:
Putting together this Dang Blasted Farking Wooden Puzzle that a 10 YO had to show me how to do. :)

Step 1. Find and assemble the first 2 pieces. This is key, or else you will spend forever with little wooden blocks on your desk. Full Size

Step 2. Continue with remaining pieces. Full Size

Step 3. Wipe your brow and have a cold brew. Go ahead! You've earned it. Full Size

With a very special thank you to the 10 YO model. :)
2009-08-12 8:17:57 PM  
8 votes:
Cooking Bacon

Step 1
Remove bacon from freezer Full Size

Step 2
Cook bacon on grill Full Size

Step 3
Eat bacon!! Mmmmm!!! Full Size
2009-08-12 8:02:18 PM  
7 votes:
Wildland Firefighting:
The essentials

First, you need a fire. If you don't have one handy, look at step #1.

farkt.ogra.phView Full Size

Setting Fire

Using fire to fight fire is useful. A fusee (used here) or a drip torch can go a long ways, and create a large area of "black", or burned area.

farkt.ogra.phView Full Size


A dozer made fireline. In light grass the fireline only has to be about a foot wide. It should ring the fire, and then you have to make sure that the fire doesn't jump the line.

farkt.ogra.phView Full Size

No Hose

Occasionally water will be used, but with only 300 gallons on most wildland firetrucks, it doesn't go far. Note that hoses are useful, but not strictly necessary. My favorite size is 3/4", which has normal garden hose style fittings and adapters, but is a cloth hose.

There isn't a strict order in these steps, as a small fire might be extinquished with water (if you have a hydrant handy, for example), and natural features should be used as parts of the fireline, with backfire starting from that.
2009-08-13 7:59:06 AM  
6 votes:

(don't attempt at all, anywhere, really)

First, check your local laws regarding distilling. If it's legal, learn braille, get a distilling flask and a wall mount dispenser pack of purell (or some other cheap source of alcohol.)

Fill your distilling flask about 2/3 of the way with purell.
staplermofo.comView Full Size

Wrap the top very tightly with foil and slowly heat in a double boiler to EXACTLY 173°F. After you've been at 173°F for about 30 seconds or so, put a long necked flask to catch the alcohol. Use rubber tubing if you have it.

staplermofo.comView Full Size

You now have a flask of mostly alcohol with a slightly bitter chemical flavor and a slightly floral smell. If you're using plastic bottle vodka or some other fancy pants liquor, you can skip the preceding steps.

Finally, throw some berries or botanicals or whatever you want booze to taste like in a jar and wait a couple weeks.
staplermofo.comView Full Size
2009-08-13 12:23:17 AM  
4 votes: Full Size

1. Ingredients Full Size

2. Simmer Full Size

1. Add cheese!
2009-08-12 8:27:57 PM  
4 votes:
Light a camp fire
Step 1

Pile up empty beer cases and scrap wood Full Size

Step 2

Cover generously with Boy Scout Water Full Size

Step 3

Light and enjoy! Full Size

/shakes fist at U-Man
2009-08-12 8:15:40 PM  
4 votes:
photos.imageevent.comView Full Size

photos.imageevent.comView Full Size
photos.imageevent.comView Full Size

How to Play Darts...A Dartboard and Two Opponents!

2009-08-12 8:01:21 PM  
4 votes:
Make Your Own Tripod Strap
Materials Required:

1 old camera strap (or any shoulder strap of the appropriate length)
2 split rings
2 cheap nylon "luggage straps" cut short Full Size

This is the key to getting it to work. I tucked the cut end of the luggage strap back through the slider to create a second loop for the split ring, then melted the cut end of the strap so it can't slip out: Full Size

Here's the whole thing: Full Size
2009-08-13 12:13:56 AM  
3 votes:
Steps for making a pb&j sammich Full Size Full Size Full Size

Thanks to my friend Rachael for bein my sammich makin model.
2009-08-13 9:39:48 AM  
2 votes:
How to plant a tree:
Step 1) Buy tree, bring to location Full Size

Step 2) Dig big-ass hole Full Size

Step 3) Put tree in hole and fill in Full Size

/Bugger, all 3 medium images too big for Fark, so you get the smalls
2009-08-12 9:10:43 PM  
2 votes:
Makin' Bacon

Step 1. Open bacon package of your choice. Full Size

Step 2. Cook Bacon. The method shown here is fan frying, however you may choose to bake or *gasp* nuke your bacon as well. This is the hardest step, as you must suffer through smelling it cook without being able to eat it yet. Full Size

Step 3. Prepare to be dazzled. Remove from the pan, let drain, and devour with your meal of choice. My family enjoyed BLT's with the pictured bacon. Full Size
2009-08-13 8:41:59 AM  
1 vote:
Step 1: Tear up old floor.
i2.photobucket.comView Full Size

Step 2: Install Subfloor
i2.photobucket.comView Full Size

Step 3: Put down tile:
i2.photobucket.comView Full Size
2009-08-13 7:10:27 AM  
1 vote:
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