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(Some Cynic)   You Can't Please Everyone: A collection of one-star reviews for classics that are generally considered to be masterpieces of their respective genres   (cynical-c.com) divider line
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32923 clicks; posted to Main » on 07 May 2009 at 4:50 PM (12 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook



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2009-05-07 1:49:20 PM  
I lol'd

From "Of Mice and Men"

This story has way too much profanity. It is difficult to get past the use of the words to realize the meaning of the book.

Nice link subby.
 
2009-05-07 1:50:43 PM  
Farked after 24 clicks? This should be fun.
 
2009-05-07 1:54:36 PM  
I'm guessing some of those HAVE to be failed attempts at irony.
 
2009-05-07 1:56:35 PM  
It is a bit slow, but worth the wait.

From Moby Dick


tHIS BOOK IS BORING. iT TAKES A LONG TIME BEFORE THE STORY BEGINS......
 
2009-05-07 1:58:08 PM  
Here's my contribution:

I was reading the "New Rolling Stone Records Guide" edited by Dave Marsh and John Swenson (copyright 1979, 1983)

Now a "*" (one star) is described as such: "Poor: Records in which even technical competence is at question, or which is remarkably ill-conceived

This is their Black Sabbath review (yes, all albums get one star):


* Black Sabbath (1970)
* Paranoid (1970)
* Master of Reality (1971)
* Black Sabbath Vol. 4 (1972)
* Sabbath Bloody Sabbath (1973)
* Sabotage (1975)
* Technical Ecstasy (1976)
* Never Say Die! (1978)
* Heaven and Hell (1980)
* Mob Rules (1981)

"These would-be English Kings of Heavy Metal are eternally foiled by their stupidity and intractability. In the early seventies their murky drone was all the more appealing for its cynicism- the philosophy that everything is shiat, and a flirtation with pre-Exorcist demonic possession. Time has passed them by; their recent stuff is a quaint bore. Their high point was Paranoid, a better example of their goofy malevolence than the We Sold Our Souls anthology, and cheaper"


Judas Priest also gets the same treatment, all their albums also get the one-star treatment

WTF, did Rolling Stone have a grudge against Black Sabbath?
 
2009-05-07 1:59:13 PM  

MaxxLarge: I'm guessing some of those HAVE to be failed attempts at irony.


The Spinal Tap reviews certainly. But my fave so far is The Godfather:

Deserves an X rating for all of the gratuitous violence. Little to offer to a Christian-based viewer who ascribes to humanist values.

I think it's serious.
 
rmz
2009-05-07 2:01:10 PM  
For The Sound of Music:

"When I see garbage like this, I finally understand what is wrong with the world. I watched this movie on a dare and was absolutely mortified!!!!! I would have given it negative stars if I could have. As an animal lover and vegetarian, I was especially offended!!! Anyone who is a fan of this series should run, not walk to the nearest Psychiatrist. You are in desperate need of having your head examined. And we as a society wonder why violence and seriel killers have become a part of daily life. Well, ladies and gentlemen I present to you Exhibit A......."
 
2009-05-07 2:02:52 PM  
Slaughterhouse 5:

This without a doubt ranks up there with the WORST books I have ever read. Pointless, poorly written, and incredibly dull.

If you want some great writing, try Ayn Rand.


abload.deView Full Size
 
2009-05-07 2:08:00 PM  
Also from "Slaughterhouse 5":

I prefer Daniele Steele, and there's no basis for telling me I'm wrong. Vonnegut is no better or worse than Daniele Steele!

"Kurt, can you read lips, *fark you*! Next time I'll call Robert Ludlum!"
 
rmz
2009-05-07 2:12:17 PM  
Pink Floyd! Holy Christ, they're the worst band EVER! I mean EVER! OH MY GOD! GROTESQUE! THEY'RE HORRID! WOW! MAKE THEM DIE ALREADY! GO CREED! GO CREED! GO CREED!
 
2009-05-07 2:19:12 PM  

HappyHarryHardOn: WTF, did Rolling Stone have a grudge against Black Sabbath?


Yes.
Lester Bangs said about the first Sabbath album: Over across the tracks in the industrial side of Cream country lie unskilled laborers like Black Sabbath, which was hyped as a rockin' ritual celebration of the Satanic mass or some such claptrap, something like England's answer to Coven. Well, they're not that bad, but that's about all the credit you can give them. The whole album is a shuck-despite the murky songtitles and some inane lyrics that sound like Vanilla Fudge paying doggerel tribute to Aleister Crowley, the album has nothing to do with spiritualism, the occult, or anything much except stiff recitations of Cream cliches that sound like the musicians learned them out of a book, grinding on and on with dogged persistence. Vocals are sparse, most of the album being filled with plodding bass lines over which the lead guitar dribbles wooden Claptonisms from the master's tiredest Cream days. They even have discordant jams with bass and guitar reeling like velocitized speedfreaks all over each other's musical perimeters yet never quite finding synch-just like Cream! But worse.

I also have the Rolling Stone Album Guide from '91 or so, which finally acknowledged the worth of the earliest Sabbath albums, while dismissing the Dio records with one star and a couple of lines that indicated that the reviewer probably hadn't actually listened to them and based his ratings on a dislike of Dio's voice.
 
2009-05-07 2:20:43 PM  

cretinbob: It is a bit slow, but worth the wait.

From Moby Dick


tHIS BOOK IS BORING. iT TAKES A LONG TIME BEFORE THE STORY BEGINS......


Well he has a point. Have you ever actually tried reading that book? Good god man, we get it... he's in a lodge. Now describe whats HAPPENING, I don't need to know about the design on the far west wall and how it complements the carpet and what kind of candles they were using.
 
2009-05-07 2:22:10 PM  
From Princess Bride (sorry it's a long one, but worth every bit of it. I highlighted some good parts):

The Princess Bride is twenty years old, and after twenty years it's difficult to see why anyone likes this movie. It is not realistic and most of the things that happen in the story are lies.

The Princess Bride is about two guys who are in a book and they're fighting over a princess named Buttercup. But the problem is that one of them is a pirate and the other one is a giant! I know it's supposed to be fictional...but come on! Even my suspension of disbelief is not that good, and I work with children!

At one point they all go in a swamp and that is pretty terrific because they have to deal with large rats, who are clearly added in digitally, but still are very thrilling. However, the rest of this movie is silly and doesn't take any issues too seriously, but instead is too fantastical for anybody's business.

This movie would be a lot better if it had Sean Penn in it, working with his wife, and maybe if he were solving crimes instead of swordfighting or some such nonsense. Basically, I don't believe that Sean Penn would be swordfighting, do you?

Mandy Patinkin and Christopher Guest and Billy Crystal are wonderfully delightful in this film, that is otherwise a shamble from start to finish, and my guess is that whoever wrote the movie will probably never get offered another job before or after this movie.


He thought the ROUS' were CGI? Also, I hope somebody eventually pointed the author to other works by the apparently unemployable William Goldman.
 
2009-05-07 2:24:08 PM  

cretinbob: It is a bit slow, but worth the wait.

From Moby Dick


tHIS BOOK IS BORING. iT TAKES A LONG TIME BEFORE THE STORY BEGINS......


To be fair, you can always skip the whaling chapters.
 
2009-05-07 2:29:16 PM  
On Catch-22:

In my humble, yet clearly superior, opinion, this book is far too long and filled with meaningless content.

Alright, which one of you wrote this?
 
2009-05-07 2:29:28 PM  
I'll go ahead and say it: GoodFellas is not that great a film. It's entertaining, but ultimately uninspired. (In fairness, I don't like The Godfather either.)

One-star is harsh, but I'd say 3 out of 5 is appropriate.
 
2009-05-07 2:31:31 PM  

rmz: Pink Floyd! Holy Christ, they're the worst band EVER! I mean EVER! OH MY GOD! GROTESQUE! THEY'RE HORRID! WOW! MAKE THEM DIE ALREADY! GO CREED! GO CREED! GO CREED!


Obvious troll, but lulzy. He gets extra credit for his "GO CREED" rant.
 
2009-05-07 2:32:38 PM  
I also didnt care for the great gatsby. i thought it was boring as hell.
 
2009-05-07 2:35:05 PM  
There is some hilarious gold in those reviews.
 
rmz
2009-05-07 2:36:22 PM  

absoluteparanoia: Well he has a point. Have you ever actually tried reading that book? Good god man, we get it... he's in a lodge. Now describe whats HAPPENING, I don't need to know about the design on the far west wall and how it complements the carpet and what kind of candles they were using.


I seem to recall thinking almost the exact same thing when forced to read Nathaniel Hawthorne in high school. Excruciating detail spent illustrating the most mundane things that the reader would never care about.
 
2009-05-07 2:43:36 PM  
The Great Gatsby is a horrific piece of shiat. That is all.
 
2009-05-07 3:06:36 PM  

Rev. Skarekroe: HappyHarryHardOn: WTF, did Rolling Stone have a grudge against Black Sabbath?

Yes.
Lester Bangs said about the first Sabbath album: Over across the tracks in the industrial side of Cream country lie unskilled laborers like Black Sabbath, which was hyped as a rockin' ritual celebration of the Satanic mass or some such claptrap, something like England's answer to Coven. Well, they're not that bad, but that's about all the credit you can give them. The whole album is a shuck-despite the murky songtitles and some inane lyrics that sound like Vanilla Fudge paying doggerel tribute to Aleister Crowley, the album has nothing to do with spiritualism, the occult, or anything much except stiff recitations of Cream cliches that sound like the musicians learned them out of a book, grinding on and on with dogged persistence. Vocals are sparse, most of the album being filled with plodding bass lines over which the lead guitar dribbles wooden Claptonisms from the master's tiredest Cream days. They even have discordant jams with bass and guitar reeling like velocitized speedfreaks all over each other's musical perimeters yet never quite finding synch-just like Cream! But worse.

I also have the Rolling Stone Album Guide from '91 or so, which finally acknowledged the worth of the earliest Sabbath albums, while dismissing the Dio records with one star and a couple of lines that indicated that the reviewer probably hadn't actually listened to them and based his ratings on a dislike of Dio's voice.


I love, love, love Lester Bangs but he had a habit of changing his mind quite often.. because Black Sabbath of course, became one of his all-time favorite band

He did roughly the same thing with "Kick out the Jams"


BUt I ve also heard some things about Rolling Stone not being kind to Led Zep but that I don't have anything on it. The guide I have is pretty raving about them
 
2009-05-07 3:09:52 PM  
Though I wouldn't review it quite as cluelessly or harshly as some of these guys did, I would have to agree with them that the Sound of Music is not worth watching, the Great Gatsby is kind of a piece of shiat, and--yes, I'll say it--Jimi Hendrix's music is not enjoyable to listen to in 2009. And while Moby Dick is an undeniable classic, it's also pretty hard to argue with their statements about it being overly long-winded with lots of boring parts.
 
2009-05-07 3:12:18 PM  

rmz: absoluteparanoia: Well he has a point. Have you ever actually tried reading that book? Good god man, we get it... he's in a lodge. Now describe whats HAPPENING, I don't need to know about the design on the far west wall and how it complements the carpet and what kind of candles they were using.

I seem to recall thinking almost the exact same thing when forced to read Nathaniel Hawthorne in high school. Excruciating detail spent illustrating the most mundane things that the reader would never care about.


Oh god, that was the biggest thing that stuck out about reading the scarlet letter. You get the impression they were being paid per word or page and not for content. In fact, I think that was the case
 
2009-05-07 3:22:26 PM  
Continuing the Lester Bangs seque - well he was extremely fickle (which I can relate to) but he was freaking hilarious which goes a long way in my book. Plus he turned a lot of people onto some groovy one-hit wonder 60s music.

"Psychotic Reactions and Carburetor Dung" is a servicable collection of some of his essays and reviews.
 
2009-05-07 3:24:21 PM  
This one about Spinal Tap

Okay, seriously, who the heck are these Spinal Tap fellas? I'm an expert on music (I studied the art form for four years, know every artist of the last 40 years, and scored an A+ on my math test...which really doesn't have anything to do with music, but it shows you that I am intellegent), and have never heard of these guys before. Let me ask you a perfectly reasonable question: why would you want to watch a documentary on a band that you've never heard of before? And to top it all off, the interviewer is some guy named Rob (who resembles a pig! That's right, a little piggy!). If I wanted to look at a hog for an hour, I'd make some bacon!

Also of note is that there's some character named 'Bobbi Fleckman'. How can you people be fooled so easily? Don't you realize that it's nothing but a cheap disguise? It's really The Nanny, Fran Fine! Nice try, Fran, but I didn't believe it for one second! I guess sometimes, you just have to get away from that butler and that old British guy!

People, whatever you do, don't buy this trash! Just wait until Limp Bizkit (the greatest band ever!) makes a documentary on their wild and crazy and cool antics! It's sure to put this to shame!
 
2009-05-07 3:32:26 PM  
I am going to pretend that the Spinal Tap reviews are fake. If those are real i may give up on humanity all together.

People are going to have differing opinions on art, and that isn't a problem, but thinking that Vonnegut "downplays" death is just idiotic. You can't be that stupid.
 
2009-05-07 3:35:20 PM  

GAT_00: The Great Gatsby is a horrific piece of shiat. That is all.


Wow. We do agree on something.
 
2009-05-07 3:44:10 PM  
On Lolita

As with another reviewer, I agree, he uses a lot of huge words that just slow a person down. And it's not for theatrics either, it's just huge words mid-sentence when describing something simple. Nothing in the sense of imagery is gained.

Yeah, down with big words!
 
2009-05-07 4:22:51 PM  

muck4doo: Wow. We do agree on something.


Me too. Terrible book and the worst. last. line. evar.

That is all.
 
2009-05-07 4:29:08 PM  
Here's the story: apes discover a monolith, humans discover one on the moon, a computer which controls a mission to Jupitor goes haywire and kills, the lone survivor passes through a psychadelic nebulae to emerge in a white room, shot of a rotating fetus, the end. One for tripping hippies and Kubrick groupies.

Can't say I disagree with this one.

/Liked the movie.
 
2009-05-07 4:30:50 PM  
TFA Goodfellas could've been a great Scorsese film but after 30 minutes I couldn't stand all the swearing. The violence I can handle but every other word these mobsters say is the F word.

What a farking pussy.
 
2009-05-07 4:32:37 PM  
Two words:

sh*t sandwich
 
2009-05-07 4:32:55 PM  
TFA Why do these three friends decide to do mob violence all the time? Do you think they would really talk with such foul mouths too ("f" this and "f" that)??? I love My Cousin Vinny, and I don't believe Joe Pesci had to say any bad words to make that movie hilarious.

Another farking idiot. Joe Pesci swears like a sailor throughout My Cousin Vinny.
 
2009-05-07 4:37:57 PM  
On Jimi Hendrix: Are you kidding me. Did Avril Lavigne ever use distortion in her songs? Or how about those wierd sound effect things? Mmhhm, that's whqat I thought. Keeping that in mind, how could anyone in their right mind say that this Hendrix guy is good. You lozerz obviously now nothing about muzik. Some idiots are calling him the best guitar player ever....? HELLO??? That's like saying MTV doesn't play good muzik!!! If you want good guitar, try Avril Lavigne, or, the masters of Metal, Limp Bizkit.

Obvious troll is obvious.
 
2009-05-07 4:44:02 PM  
I thought from the headline that this was going to be professional critics bashing things, not just random people on the internet. Although no critic could ever be as poignant as this review for "The Great Gatsby":

This book was God awful. I felt so disappointed when i read that gatsby was murdered. I felt as if the world collapsed on me as i read this catastrophic event. Gatsby is the miz an and daisy is a sliz to the iz ut. Scott Fitzgerald i wish u were alive so i could kill u. Love DGS!!!
 
2009-05-07 4:54:08 PM  
This is pure gold. Good jorb, subby!
 
2009-05-07 4:55:19 PM  
The book begins with the hero sitting down in front of his house in order to stop it being demolished to make room for a highway. He's lucky he wasn't Rachel Corrie, an American who was killed by an Israeli driving a bulldozer.

catalogs.comView Full Size
 
2009-05-07 4:59:03 PM  
I read this earlier today and couldn't stop laughing.
 
2009-05-07 5:00:03 PM  
WFern
(In fairness, I don't like The Godfather either.)

Yeah, I saw that episode of Family Guy, too.
 
2009-05-07 5:00:31 PM  
HappyHarryHardOn:
WTF, did Rolling Stone have a grudge against Black Sabbath?

As I recall my friends and I pretty much felt the same about Sabbath, excepting Paranoid, and even that only lasted through junior high.

/Allllright, yeah!
 
2009-05-07 5:01:02 PM  
It reads curiously like a Fark flamewar.
 
2009-05-07 5:01:27 PM  
I don't like how Vonnegut down-plays death. What's the phrase? "and so it goes"? I also don't like how the author puts down morals and values. I don't care if Pilgrim has been through war, that doesn't give him an excuse to loose all human pride.

Yea, what with pride being sin and all. Don't want to lose that.
 
2009-05-07 5:01:32 PM  
The Catcher in the Rye is one of the worst books I've ever read.
 
2009-05-07 5:01:43 PM  
I remember the Siskel and Ebert review of Home Alone when it first hit theaters (granted it's not a CLASSIC MASTERPIECE but is genuinely considered an entertaining movie)

Ebert said "this movie is way too unrealistic I'd much prefer to see what would REALLY happen if a 10 year old was left home alone like this"
 
2009-05-07 5:02:14 PM  
Jonathan Livingston Seagull is the best.

If you like a classic, little fat, and much meaning.

/That is all.
 
2009-05-07 5:04:52 PM  

Flab: Here's the story: apes discover a monolith, humans discover one on the moon, a computer which controls a mission to Jupitor goes haywire and kills, the lone survivor passes through a psychadelic nebulae to emerge in a white room, shot of a rotating fetus, the end. One for tripping hippies and Kubrick groupies.

Can't say I disagree with this one.

/Liked the movie.


It's true. Edgy it might have been, but even as a movie lover who enjoys the characters and story 2001 can be a biatch to sit through.
 
2009-05-07 5:05:33 PM  

absoluteparanoia: Well he has a point. Have you ever actually tried reading that book? Good god man, we get it... he's in a lodge. Now describe whats HAPPENING, I don't need to know about the design on the far west wall and how it complements the carpet and what kind of candles they were using.


yeah, i understand moby dick and whats its going for, but god melville just could.not.get.to.the.point. In his defense, its the writing style of the day more than anything.
 
2009-05-07 5:06:17 PM  

JessicaRaven: I remember the Siskel and Ebert review of Home Alone when it first hit theaters (granted it's not a CLASSIC MASTERPIECE but is genuinely considered an entertaining movie)

Ebert said "this movie is way too unrealistic I'd much prefer to see what would REALLY happen if a 10 year old was left home alone like this"


Ebert said what?
blogs.browardpalmbeach.comView Full Size


hot.. like that seat over there...
 
2009-05-07 5:06:52 PM  

Handsome B. Wonderful: The Catcher in the Rye is one of the worst books I've ever read.


Not enough pictures for you?
 
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