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(Some Guy)   Farker Marcus42 needs something to wake him up in the morning but hates coffee. Suggestions? Voting enabled   ( divider line
    More: Advice  
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3729 clicks; posted to Main » on 04 Feb 2003 at 7:15 AM (15 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

354 Comments     (+0 »)
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2003-02-04 08:57:28 AM  
is this just a gag? are we running low on news? am i missing something (probably). In case you really are trying to wake up on time, try to stop eating late, especially no meat, are you taking any kind of medication btw? dont drink caffene throughout the day, watch your alcohol intake, try to go to sleep earlyer or later, dont do any strenuous activities before bed, also try to wake up earlyer, it works for me, I cant force my self out of bed at 7, I mean, I just dont care about life or work or school but oddly enough i can wake up just fine at 6. There is plenty of information out there to help you, I hope this helps
2003-02-04 08:57:42 AM  
Boy, some people sure woke up grumpy this morning.
2003-02-04 08:57:56 AM  
A Hummer.

Sorry if it has already been posted
2003-02-04 08:58:43 AM  
Wake up hungover next to a fat chick. That'll get your ass outa bed.
2003-02-04 08:58:51 AM  
how about a shower?
2003-02-04 09:00:16 AM  
Caffiene pills, like No-Doz or Vivarin. Grind 'em up into a real fine powder the night before, and snort it when you wake up. You'll feel alert real fast.
2003-02-04 09:00:29 AM  
Fire, and lots of it!


pr0n, and lots of it!
2003-02-04 09:01:38 AM  
Dogfood: You can actually get killed sticking your tounge on a 9 volt battery, or so i've heard
2003-02-04 09:02:06 AM  
stimp: You raise an important question: am I waking up myself or my subject? Sounds like I might have to go through a couple rounds of tests.
I wonder if I could get some government grants for my research...

2003-02-04 09:03:51 AM  
Stuff a massive wad of cash up your ass and put a sign on your door that says: "I have a massive wad of cash stuffed up my ass. Please no takers before 6:00 a.m. After 6:00 a.m., you are free to come in and rip the massive wad of cash from my ass. Please close the door when leaving."

I don't know, may work?
2003-02-04 09:06:15 AM  
There's no such thing as "too much" empirical research. Repetition, repetition, repetition. Or so I've heard.
2003-02-04 09:07:13 AM  
Digital rectal exam.

That'll do it.

Moon Riverrrrr!
2003-02-04 09:07:15 AM  
[image from too old to be available]
2003-02-04 09:07:42 AM  
Have somebody "tea bag" you
then slug yourself right in the stomach.

You'll be bright and cheery-eyed in no time!!
2003-02-04 09:08:59 AM  
Apples. No seriously they will wake you up more than coffee, they are also used as a hunger stimulant. Although not as fun as a hummer.
2003-02-04 09:12:07 AM

Watch that movie. Best alarm clock ever. and some awesome quotes.

Ford Fairlane: Conversation with Zuzu Petals was like masturbating with a cheese grater: slightly amusing, but mostly painful.
2003-02-04 09:12:16 AM  
Move to Oakland. The whistle Tips are like an alarm clock.
They go Whoo whoo!
2003-02-04 09:12:32 AM  
Personally I prefer the old 'electrodes wired to the alarm clock and your balls' method.

That'll get you out of bed in a hurry. Give you a day-long boner too!

2003-02-04 09:12:35 AM  
A couple options you could explore here...
2003-02-04 09:13:04 AM  
Try "Super Stingers" or any of the other herbal ephedra/caffeine pills. One of these do more than coffee could ever think about, without all the pissing.
2003-02-04 09:13:43 AM  
bah, meant to say nodoze, a couple hits off a crack pipe, and a cold shower. Your heart may explode but youll be awake and ready for the day.
2003-02-04 09:13:56 AM  
2003-02-04 09:14:36 AM  
[image from too old to be available]
2003-02-04 09:15:55 AM  
ZZZXZZZ, everyone is still dealing with Challenger, so this is the best that can be gotten for now. Besides, farkers love to give masterbation, oral, and sex advice. Remember, nothing speaks truer than first hand experience,

As for waking up, it's called routine. Wake up 30 min earlier, have ALL your gear ready, or some warm double Jolt cola. If you don't wake up from that, work is your least problem. Me, I'm a tea drinker, but my cup holds four normal cups. Needless to say, I'm wired always.

As for the water/bathroom thing, tell me about it. Mothing wakes you up quicker, unless you're thinking about a rushing waterfall...ahhh release.
2003-02-04 09:16:34 AM  
[image from too old to be available]
It's Grrrrrreat!
2003-02-04 09:16:40 AM  
you are word bastards! TimeCube says you do not need to wake up with your greenwich word! Worship a fish god!
2003-02-04 09:18:11 AM  
I thought it was my father that was a fish? Stimp is confused.
2003-02-04 09:18:55 AM  
[image from too old to be available]
2003-02-04 09:19:05 AM  
They don't call it the "rigors of the scientific method" for nothing.
Now All I need is group of subjects. That or one that doesn't mind giving repeated data.
2003-02-04 09:19:09 AM  
Marc10041969: I find your ideas intriguing and would like to subsc3ribe to your newsletter.

Where did you find her?
2003-02-04 09:20:53 AM  
DONT wank to wake up, particularly if it is the highlight of your day. do it when you wake, and its all downhill from there.
2003-02-04 09:21:22 AM  
I think she needs to eat a donut.
2003-02-04 09:21:27 AM  
I thought it was that other researchers had to be able to replicate your results?
2003-02-04 09:21:55 AM  
Suck it up and be a man.
2003-02-04 09:22:14 AM  
Try sticking a cattle prod up your ass.
2003-02-04 09:25:41 AM  
Let guilt be your alarm clock.
2003-02-04 09:25:47 AM  
Well, looks like my day's starting early today. Have fun everyone! I'll get you all more info once data starts coming.
2003-02-04 09:26:42 AM  
Ritalin is easy. Ritalin is good.
2003-02-04 09:26:47 AM  
I gota vote for a blow job too.
2003-02-04 09:27:31 AM  
splash lemon water on your face.

for an added kick, dont close your eyes when you do it. :p
2003-02-04 09:29:47 AM  
VegasJ Top that combination off with a lawyer and you too can be a millionaire.(Last paragraph)
2003-02-04 09:31:28 AM  
A hummer from your gf.
2003-02-04 09:32:10 AM  
Hey Marc, got any pics of that UPS girl kissing the chicks from TATU?
2003-02-04 09:32:28 AM  
Your real problem is your clock is wrong! Natures Harmonic 4x4 Time Cube Creation Principle proves that there are four simultaneous 16 hour days in one earth rotation. Fighting for the freedom to express time cube gets me out of bed in the morning. Stop workshipping your fish god. You are stupid. You are evil. Evil academics refuse to allow timecube to be discussed. Fight for time cube discussion.
2003-02-04 09:33:09 AM  
If you don't have kids, get a gf that does and move in - they'll wake your ass up every morning screaming about what they want to watch on tv and fighting over the remote.
(and then you'll move out in a week)
2003-02-04 09:33:47 AM  
Red Bull and Cranberry Juice.. MMmmm-mmmm good.
2003-02-04 09:34:49 AM  
Serious suggestions:

1. If you're feeling generally healthy, but are in a mental fog in the morning: Go to an herb store, and get caplets of ginko root and gotacola. They're blood dilators, and will perk your brain up.

2. If you wake up, but your body is saying, "oh, fark this." Clench your entire body, hard, like martial artists do. Tense everything and hold it for thirty seconds. Then relax. Then do it again. Then relax. You'll spike your circulation and blood pressure, and it'll help get you going. (Did I mention blood pressure? Don't overdo this. There are whole schools of karate where none of the serious practitioners ever live to make seventy.)

3. Work out HARD before you go to bed, to improve the quality of your sleep, and lay off the carbs at night, so your body can use the energy you've already put in, rather than spend it processing more. If I do that, I can easily shave an hour off my sleep per night and not even notice.
2003-02-04 09:34:49 AM  
penguin mints do the trick for me...
2003-02-04 09:35:26 AM  
Knowing the fark crowd as I think I do, this has probably already been suggested, but how about electical shocks administered to the genitals?
2003-02-04 09:35:40 AM  
Try taking a tab of acid before going in to the shower
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