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(London Times)   Scientists have invented the first remote-controlled key fob that allows men to control a valve that can switch their sperm flow on and off. Cross-marketing with the clapper abandoned as vigorous sex creates russian roulette sperm shots   (timesonline.co.uk) divider line
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7145 clicks; posted to Main » on 19 Sep 2008 at 7:19 PM (11 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook



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2008-09-19 5:26:37 PM  
Wow. I first read that as "Scientologists" and hoooo boy was I confused...
 
2008-09-19 5:29:45 PM  
Zapping the testes with ultrasound is another promising new male contraceptive. It is simple and convenient: a machine applies ultrasound waves to heat the testes painlessly for ten minutes, scrambling sperm-making for six months.


The concept of "scrambling" and my balls should not be used together.
 
2008-09-19 6:14:23 PM  
Professor Derek Abbott and his team from the University of Adelaide in South Australia have invented the first remote-controlled key fob that allows men to control a valve that can switch their sperm flow on and off as required.

Does your penis make that boop-boop sound like when you activate your car alarm? If not, how can you be sure the valve received the signal and closed properly?
 
2008-09-19 7:16:19 PM  

joeycolby: Professor Derek Abbott and his team from the University of Adelaide in South Australia have invented the first remote-controlled key fob that allows men to control a valve that can switch their sperm flow on and off as required.

Does your penis make that boop-boop sound like when you activate your car alarm? If not, how can you be sure the valve received the signal and closed properly?

I'm sure they've thought of this. I think they install a little red led light that flashes when activated in between your nipples.
 
2008-09-19 7:17:52 PM  
This is a bad idea (for the rest of the world)

If I get bionic testicles, there will be no stopping me.
 
2008-09-19 7:19:29 PM  
Gah!

Unggggh!

Oh Christm, YES, ahhhhhhh!

You kids stop messing with the - Oooooh YEAAAHHHHH! - garage door opener THIS INSTANT!
 
2008-09-19 7:21:25 PM  

eqtworld: This is a bad idea (for the rest of the world)

If I get bionic testicles, there will be no stopping me.


I read this, and had the "nanananananananana" sound play through my head. Twas a LOL moment.
 
2008-09-19 7:21:59 PM  
That headline reads like it took lots of work to write.

Makes sense at least!

+1 for sense.
 
2008-09-19 7:22:27 PM  

cambie: joeycolby: Professor Derek Abbott and his team from the University of Adelaide in South Australia have invented the first remote-controlled key fob that allows men to control a valve that can switch their sperm flow on and off as required.

Does your penis make that boop-boop sound like when you activate your car alarm? If not, how can you be sure the valve received the signal and closed properly?
I'm sure they've thought of this. I think they install a little red led light that flashes when activated in between your nipples.


Or it just yells "bionic penis valve activated" over a bull horn.
 
2008-09-19 7:23:26 PM  
Yeah, like I would believe any guy that claims he's "on the remote."
 
2008-09-19 7:24:08 PM  

brap: Gah!

Unggggh!

Oh Christm, YES, ahhhhhhh!

You kids stop messing with the - Oooooh YEAAAHHHHH! - garage door opener THIS INSTANT!


Oh cripes. I'm at work, and it's incredibly hard for me to stifle my laughter when I see posts like that.

/new job. you owe me one.
 
2008-09-19 7:24:50 PM  
as a guy who just got a vasectomy, my suggestion to anyone considering getting one is: make sure they knock you out
I wasn't knocked out and really the only thing that describes the freezing process is: corkscrew to the nads and not the pitch type of corkscrew either
 
2008-09-19 7:25:09 PM  
So when you push the key fob do you just suddenly spunk? Then and there?

DRTFA
 
2008-09-19 7:25:28 PM  

freakdiablo: cambie: joeycolby: Professor Derek Abbott and his team from the University of Adelaide in South Australia have invented the first remote-controlled key fob that allows men to control a valve that can switch their sperm flow on and off as required.

Does your penis make that boop-boop sound like when you activate your car alarm? If not, how can you be sure the valve received the signal and closed properly?
I'm sure they've thought of this. I think they install a little red led light that flashes when activated in between your nipples.

Or it just yells "bionic penis valve activated" over a bull horn.


nah it's GO GO GADGET BALLS!
 
2008-09-19 7:26:31 PM  

Blues_X: Zapping the testes with ultrasound is another promising new male contraceptive. It is simple and convenient: a machine applies ultrasound waves to heat the testes painlessly for ten minutes, scrambling sperm-making for six months.


The concept of "scrambling" and my balls should not be used together.


Have you seen what a contraceptive coil looks like? Compared to having that shoved up there, some whale sounds to your balls is heaven.
 
2008-09-19 7:27:21 PM  
Hot!
/want want want
 
2008-09-19 7:28:26 PM  
What if the broad hits the remote when you are in the can?
 
2008-09-19 7:29:16 PM  
This is a great idea, I think every guy should get one. Then I can go to a Nascar event and send out "off" signals on every frequency.

/We'd all be much better off.
 
2008-09-19 7:32:18 PM  

The Power of Positive Drinking: Yeah, like I would believe any guy that claims he's "on the remote."


What are the chances that a guy would want to trick himself into 18 years of child support payments?
 
2008-09-19 7:32:44 PM  
The Power of Positive Drinking: Yeah, like I would believe any guy that claims he's "on the remote."

What if it has the car alarm boop boop sound?
 
2008-09-19 7:32:48 PM  
TownDrunk, meet The Power of Positive Drinking.

The Power of Positive Drinking, meet TownDrunk.

You two have trust issues.
 
2008-09-19 7:33:06 PM  

Der Poopflinger: nah it's GO GO GADGET BALLS!


Wouldn't STOP STOP GADGET BALLS! be more appropriate?
 
2008-09-19 7:33:33 PM  
1) Can the keyfob shut/open another person's tube if they are also closeby?

2) Is there any way of knowing when the tube is in the on/off position? As a woman, this could be important information before I wish to proceed. LOL.
 
2008-09-19 7:34:21 PM  
Feh! Good old fashioned vasectomy did the trick for me just fine. Don't have to worry if I left the thing on or off too.
 
2008-09-19 7:40:50 PM  
FTFA:

"You could always decide to take your fertility into your own hands and experiment. . ."

How did they know what I was doing this weekend?

/ skeet skeet skeet
 
2008-09-19 7:42:03 PM  
You are NOT the father.
 
2008-09-19 7:42:38 PM  
You came this close >||< to owing me a new keyboard subby. I almost had the coffee at my lips when I started LAWLing.

+1 subby.
 
rpm
2008-09-19 7:43:24 PM  

Der Poopflinger: as a guy who just got a vasectomy, my suggestion to anyone considering getting one is: make sure they knock you out


Freezing process? Buh? My (first) vasectomy was no big deal

/second I was knocked out
//cause they popped 'em out to look
 
2008-09-19 7:45:25 PM  
I think I almost created a Russian roulette sperm shot in my pants at that headline, nice one, Subby!
 
2008-09-19 7:45:29 PM  
joeycolby

"Does your penis make that boop-boop sound like when you activate your car alarm? If not, how can you be sure the valve received the signal and closed properly?"


Perhaps it will have an online service, like OnStar, to help you get around. Imagine something like so:

"Welcome to OnStar. I've activated your cock."
 
2008-09-19 7:47:01 PM  
this is relevant to my interests.
 
2008-09-19 7:51:54 PM  
As someone who can't find my car keys most of the time... I don't want to be running around the house with my wang jutting out trying to find the damn clicker for my balls.

"When did I use them last. It was that stripper in the back seat... of... my... CAR! THERE THEY ARE!"
 
2008-09-19 7:53:38 PM  
Fantastic. This is great. Finally this will end the age old man problem of the woman skipping her pill to "catch her man".

"The baby is yours!"
"No it's not, i turned my balls off last year you cheating biatch."
 
2008-09-19 7:54:09 PM  
farm3.static.flickr.comView Full Size
 
2008-09-19 7:55:30 PM  

hienekenftw: farm3.static.flickr.com


Jesus. That looks like a sex toy from the Bioshock universe.
 
2008-09-19 7:57:36 PM  
This thread is so full of win.
 
2008-09-19 8:00:33 PM  
the preferred nomenclature is asian american please.
 
2008-09-19 8:01:28 PM  
donateyourremote.comView Full Size


/somehow appropriate
/hotlinked for my convenience
 
2008-09-19 8:03:06 PM  
Yeah, no way I'd want some electronic apparatus dangling around in my sack. Fark a bunch of that. My junk is nice and comfy whilst being entirely free of techno-gadgetry.

As it is, I spend enough time adjusting the damn things into a cozy position, without some wires, antennae and circuit boards poking around the area.

/wait, did they miniature electronics while I was napping?
//the lawn &c.
///drtfa
 
2008-09-19 8:03:59 PM  
Is there a panic button on the fob?
 
2008-09-19 8:08:13 PM  
Truly a seminal breakthrough.
 
2008-09-19 8:10:38 PM  
I can't believe nobody has yet used the word "stopcock".
 
2008-09-19 8:11:08 PM  

SherKhan: Truly a seminal breakthrough.


groan

nice
 
2008-09-19 8:11:16 PM  
joeycolby: Does your penis make that boop-boop sound like when you activate your car alarm? If not, how can you be sure the valve received the signal and closed properly?
I'm sure they've thought of this. I think they install a little red led light that flashes when activated in between your nipples.

No man, they put the little red lights behind your nipples so they flash on and off.
At last a use for male nipples.
 
2008-09-19 8:11:28 PM  
is there a button I can push to increase load? just curious

for that matter, what about changing up the stream, depending on my mood at the time?

/set balls to stun
 
2008-09-19 8:20:11 PM  

SherKhan: Truly a seminal breakthrough.


Nice one.

The problem with the traditional vasectomy is that they won't give you one until you've had kids. This solves that. Get the op, leave the remote in a safe deposit box until you want kids. Which in the case of a lot of guys would be never.

The availability of male contraception for any man, not just fathers, is a huge breakthrough, IMO, almost as big as the pill.

\had the regular vasectomy 20 years ago
\\takes the worry out of being close
 
2008-09-19 8:20:46 PM  
Best. Invention. Ever.
 
2008-09-19 8:23:37 PM  

OtitisMEDIA: is there a button I can push to increase load? just curious

for that matter, what about changing up the stream, depending on my mood at the time?

/set balls to stun


Yeah, I got a lot of this from friends after my vasectomy. Seems a lot of men don't understand their own anatomy.

Sperm, produced in the testes, is a tiny component of semen, produced in the prostate. There is no detectable difference in "load" after a vasectomy. Same would apply to this device.

\the more you know....
 
2008-09-19 8:29:47 PM  
this article is frighteningly full of win.

/can't wait.
 
2008-09-19 8:34:33 PM  

Venn: Judge, I SWEAR I heard the "chirp chirp" before intercourse.


And another one: after a vasectomy, it takes up to two weeks for all the sperm in your system to be flushed out, so you are still "dangerous." This device won't be a "use it all the time" kind of thing. It will stay switched off for years, and activated only when you are trying to concieve. Like any proper engineering device, it should "fail safe," meaning a malfunction will cause the valve to be closed and the man to be sterile, and require a repair to restore fertility. That's how I would design it, anyway.
 
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