Skip to content
If you can read this, either the style sheet didn't load or you have an older browser that doesn't support style sheets. Try clearing your browser cache and refreshing the page.

(Google)   TFer needs to make valedictorian speech in May, help him out by leaving one nugget of wisdom to pass onto class. Voting enabled, LGN   ( divider line
    More: Survey  
•       •       •

4065 clicks; posted to Main » on 27 Apr 2008 at 7:28 PM (10 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

Voting Results (Smartest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2008-04-27 07:34:30 PM  
30 votes:
"In the words of the character Red from The Shawshank Redemption, "Get busy livin', or get busy dyin'." In that spirit, I have released an odorless yet potently poisonous gas into the room. Half of you will find gas masks under your seats. The other half will find loaded pistols.

Get busy."
2008-04-27 07:22:11 PM  
21 votes:
Don't trust whitey
Lord loves a workin' man.
2008-04-27 07:37:15 PM  
20 votes:
In a few months, absolutely nothing that happened to you in high school will matter. Not your GPA, popularity, or test scores. If it does still matter to you, you're a sad has-been that will have a very unpleasant life until you learn to move on.
2008-04-27 07:36:25 PM  
19 votes:
unholymartiangod: "We either make ourselves strong or we make ourselves miserable, either way the amount of work is the same." - Carlos Castenada

i would have voted for this one. So i'll quote and enable voting.
2008-04-27 07:38:34 PM  
18 votes:
don't cook bacon naked.
2008-04-27 07:22:32 PM  
18 votes:
Pants first, then shoes.
2008-04-27 07:45:51 PM  
16 votes:
Love many. Trust few. Harm none.
2008-04-27 07:34:32 PM  
16 votes:
It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

//was my senior quote
2008-04-27 07:42:34 PM  
15 votes:
Here's one that I came up with a while back, but have never gotten to use:

May your successes be an inspiration to others, and your failures an inspiration to yourself.
2008-04-27 07:33:19 PM  
15 votes:
When you go out into the big wide world tomorrow, try not to be a total douchebag.
2008-04-27 07:27:25 PM  
15 votes:
Look out for number one and don't step in number two.
2008-04-27 07:53:21 PM  
14 votes:
The best advice I never got:

You have a choice in front of you: You can work your ass off for the next 4 to 7 years and then have fun for the rest of your life, or you can have fun for the next 4 to 7 years and then work your ass off for the rest of your life.

...or something like that.
2008-04-27 07:45:42 PM  
14 votes:
You will end up regretting what you didn't do more then all the stupid things that you do end up doing. So kiss the girl/guy and stay for the last dance.
2008-04-27 07:53:49 PM  
13 votes:
Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.

-Hanlon's Razor
2008-04-27 07:50:32 PM  
13 votes:
Crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentations of their women.
2008-04-27 07:36:47 PM  
13 votes:
Don't try to make people happy. Do what you are good at and what you enjoy, and do it a lot. That will make some people like you. The right people.
2008-04-27 07:33:37 PM  
13 votes:
There's two ways to argue with women; neither one works.
2008-04-27 07:57:40 PM  
12 votes:
Weaver95: I would rather be exposed to the inconveniences attending too much liberty than to those attending too small a degree of it.

Thomas Jefferson.

In our current climate of fear, with a failed 'war on drugs' behind us and a hazy course ahead charted for our 'war on terror', future leaders such as your classmates would do well to remember that quote. If there is hope for our form of government it's that the next generation remembers that the solution to our problems is ever and always with MORE freedom and LESS government, never the reverse.

Weaver did not enable voting... but I wanted to vote for THIS!
2008-04-27 07:44:00 PM  
12 votes:
Another flaw in the human character is that everybody wants to build and nobody wants to do maintenance. - Kurt Vonnegut
2008-04-27 08:00:30 PM  
11 votes:
Be kind.

You will never regret treating someone well -- even if they didn't deserve it. You will hate yourself for treating others poorly just because you could.
2008-04-27 07:49:14 PM  
11 votes:
Remember that a good graduation speech should be like a women's skirt; Long enough to cover everything, short enough to keep it interesting.
2008-04-27 07:41:35 PM  
11 votes:
jeremayakovka.typepad.comView Full Size

Beware of people who are quick to censor, they are afraid of what they do not know
2008-04-27 07:34:21 PM  
11 votes:
You can wear your underwear four times without washing them.
Inside-out forwards.
Inside-out backwards.
2008-04-27 07:33:58 PM  
11 votes:
Don't sweat the petty stuff and don't pet the sweaty stuff.
2008-04-27 08:06:49 PM  
10 votes:
Something our valedictorian did: Let the seniors know that every time you say a certain word, in her case it was "you", that they cross their legs the other way.

This serves three purposes:

1) It amuses the audience (we got a lot of laughs).

2) It annoys the administrators.

3) Most importantly, it means the entire senior class listens to every word you have to say.

11 years later and I still remember that. I highly recommend it.
2008-04-27 07:54:47 PM  
10 votes:
Ask out lots of women. They can't all turn you down.
2008-04-27 07:43:03 PM  
10 votes:
My favorite: "Whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should." from Max Ehrmann's "Desiderata."

"Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself." by Harvey Fierstein
2008-04-27 07:40:41 PM  
10 votes:
Put as much money away as early as possible.

And treat it like your genitals in public...LEAVE IT ALONE!
2008-04-27 07:37:18 PM  
10 votes:
You can quote this verbatim. Just copy and paste.

"I have, in all my adult years, adopted the male dog philosophy.

If you can't eat it or screw it, piss on it."
2008-04-27 08:06:40 PM  
9 votes:
Here are a few from Robert Heinlein I find useful:

Place your clothes and weapons where you can find them in the dark.

Everything in excess! To enjoy the flavor of life, take big bites. Moderation is for monks.

Budget the luxuries first.

Rub her feet.

Always remember your enemy is not a villain in his own eyes.

There Ain't No Such Thing as a Free Lunch.

A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.

Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors - and miss.

It is better to copulate than never.

What are the facts? Again and again and again-what are the facts? Shun wishful thinking, ignore divine revelation, forget what "the stars foretell," avoid opinion, care not what the neighbors think, never mind the unguessable "verdict of history"-what are the facts, and to how many decimal places? You pilot always into an unknown future; facts are your single clue. Get the facts!
2008-04-27 08:01:07 PM  
9 votes:
This one was in the "give advice to your younger self" thread a few weeks ago.

Paraphrased Spiffied up:

Don't choose a career path of poverty just because your work makes you happy. Soon, you'll find it is the only thing that does. Even if you end up hating your $100k job, you'll have plenty of other options by then. Wealth offers opportunity, if nothing else.
2008-04-27 07:54:56 PM  
9 votes:
Don't marry a woman with big hands. She'll make your cock look small.
2008-04-27 07:48:51 PM  
9 votes:
If you and those you love are not unjustly imprisoned, not starving, and not tragically ill, then you and you alone are responsible for your own happiness.
2008-04-27 07:43:56 PM  
9 votes:
nymag.comView Full Size

If it feels like MORE than 2 fingers... its probably a dick
2008-04-27 07:21:31 PM  
9 votes:
f*ck the sunscreen, always wear a rubber
2008-04-27 07:27:12 PM  
8 votes:
Is this for High School?

Oh Geez, where do I start?

Tell them,

"And to all my shy, introverted brethren, Next year, when that smoking hot blond offhandedly mentions that she's not going on the band camping trip, and that you should stop by her dorm room to 'visit' on Saturday... FOR GOD'S SAKE - STOP BY HER DORM ROOM AND 'VISIT!!!' SHE WANTS YOU TO VISIT HER FARKING BRAINS OUT"

/No that never happened to me, why do you ask?
2008-04-27 08:22:43 PM  
7 votes:

I don't know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve

or closer:

All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by frost.


It's a dangerous business, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no telling where you might be swept off to.

2008-04-27 07:57:46 PM  
7 votes:
Every day is a new adventure.

Get a job as soon as you can, and credit not long after. (Don't do it in the opposite order.) No one counts "I attended college" as job experience.

When working, remember the phrase "They pay me for this." When the job sucks and you wonder why you're there, it's because they pay you for this. When the job is awesome (everyone has a good day once in a while) remember that some idiot is actually paying you to do this awesome job.

Don't give your password for ANYTHING to ANYONE. If it's that important, grab the keyboard and log yourself in for them.

Those folks who told you that people would give you scholarships and jobs for good grades lied.
2008-04-27 07:55:02 PM  
7 votes:
1) College is nothing like high school. It's going to kick your ass in ways you can't even imagine. Nothing you learned is relevant anymore. The professors don't care, and the TA's care even less.
2) College is nothing like high school. The friends you'll make there will be better, cooler, and far more fun to be around.
3) Work is nothing like college.
2008-04-27 07:52:05 PM  
7 votes:
Learn to appreciate the value of joy found in simple pleasures, like a child's smile. Learn to cope with pain and loss - it is an essential part of the maturation process. You'll recognize adulthood when you notice yourself reacting to life's challenges with compassion more often than with anger.
2008-04-27 07:48:48 PM  
7 votes:
Make time to do absolutely nothing, or to do something that you love. Even Einstein played violin.
2008-04-27 07:39:57 PM  
7 votes:
"Join me as we pray for Omarion."
2008-04-27 07:38:01 PM  
7 votes:
Tell them how lucky they are to be graduating so close to the Rapture, so they won't have to fix the messes of the previous generation. Also tell them to spend 120-130 percent of their income to keep the economy going until then.
2008-04-27 07:37:37 PM  
7 votes:
We must make this pact to carry down the generations.. You must promise, that if a time machine is ever invented, that you will go back in time and kill these people. The guy that invented the hold button, the guy that invented "when one goes out, they all go out" Christmas lights, and finally, The guy that though that a cross bar would be a good idea on guys bicycles.
2008-04-27 08:27:57 PM  
6 votes:
The secret to happiness is not having what you want, but not wanting what you don't have.
2008-04-27 07:58:19 PM  
6 votes:
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

--Rudyard Kipling
2008-04-27 07:45:10 PM  
6 votes:
"If after being in someone's presence, you feel like you've lost a quart of plasma, avoid that presence."

-William S Burroughs
2008-04-27 07:41:03 PM  
6 votes:
When you're struggling to grab the brass ring in life, be aware that you might be already holding a gold one in your other hand.
2008-04-27 07:39:44 PM  
6 votes:
When demand goes up and supply stays constant, prices must rise or shortages will result.

// You'd be surprised how many people don't understand this.
2008-04-27 07:20:47 PM  
6 votes:
UFIA's are always appreciated. Give one whenever possible.
2008-04-27 09:15:41 PM  
5 votes:
One of my favorite quotes: Familiarity breeds contempt - Aesop

Keep that in mind, it's not the thing, job, house, car, significant other that loses it's "sparkle", it really is you. It takes some conscious effort to keep life interesting. If you let it, familiarity will ruin things that you once loved.

(good luck with your speech!)

(ooops forgot to turn on voting..)
2008-04-27 08:49:25 PM  
5 votes:
My father told me this when he dropped me off at college:

"You have a choice. You can have the best two years of your life, or you can have four really good ones. Trust me, the latter is the better option."
2008-04-27 08:39:44 PM  
5 votes:
Way too late to get something in that anyone will actually read, but here you go. It's something my grandfather, who was born to Jewish Russian immigrants in Austria in 1928, said to me once, and I've never forgotten it.

"Do not fear extraordinary men. They lead extraordinary lives, and in the normal course of things, will never even notice you. Fear mediocre men, because they will kill you for no reason at all."
2008-04-27 08:30:18 PM  
5 votes:
A friend will come and bail you out jail. A true friend will sit next to you in jail and say, damn that was fun!!!
2008-04-27 08:14:43 PM  
5 votes:
"Some men see things as they are and ask why. Others dream
things that never were and ask why not."

George Bernard Shaw

"Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much."

There's no wit and wisdom like that of the Irish.
2008-04-27 08:03:57 PM  
5 votes:
"Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday."--John Wayne

Corny? Sure. The adults will love it and it's a lot better than "It's a beautiful day. Now watch some bastige fark it up."
2008-04-27 08:03:44 PM  
5 votes:
"Greetings unwashed masses. As your valedictorian, I have been given the honor of informing you that, as Nietzsche once said, society is a pyramid; one with a broad base that consists of a soundly consolidated mediocrity, a mediocrity which most of you will soon join. I will try to remember you peasants later in life when I'm cruising around the Caribbean on my yacht. Taco Bell applications have been attached to the bottom of your seats. Thank you for coming."
2008-04-27 08:00:20 PM  
5 votes:
Have Rick Astley show up and Rickroll the whole thing. You'll be famous forever.
2008-04-27 07:59:19 PM  
5 votes:
Always remember to pillage before you burn...
2008-04-27 07:59:06 PM  
5 votes:
If it has tits or tires, your going to have problems.
2008-04-27 07:57:47 PM  
5 votes:
Enthusiasm and hard work will outperform pure ability that's unmotivated. If you happen to have ability AND motivation, the world will be your pearl.

"You're graduating. You have the world by the balls. But be careful because the a**hole is just a few inches away."
Bobbie Knight during a informal address to my graduating class. I can not remember who spoke at our commencement, but I still remember that.

BTW, congratulations on your big a** achievement!
2008-04-27 07:57:24 PM  
5 votes:
All religion is crap. Avoid it, and enjoy sex instead.

i242.photobucket.comView Full Size
2008-04-27 07:44:57 PM  
5 votes:
Cherish the good people, suffer the merely irritating, and ignore the complete arseholes
2008-04-27 07:43:42 PM  
5 votes:
Shoplift wherever possible.
Companies factor the cost of shoplifting into their prices, so if you don't steal, they're effectively stealing from you.
2008-04-27 07:42:59 PM  
5 votes:
"Money is freedom coined."

Fyodor Dostoevsky
2008-04-27 07:40:01 PM  
5 votes:
Here are a few:

1) Think about why you're doing what you're doing after high school (I assume the vast majority of the kids at your HS are going to college--this definitely wasn't true for mine). Most people probably shouldn't be going to college, but for fark's sake, don't go into the military!

2) Don't assume other people will fix your/the country's problems. Be part of the solution, not part of the apathetic problem. Otherwise, we'll never learn from history.

/depending on where you're from, this may get you in trouble/marked "un-American", but who cares?
2008-04-27 07:36:52 PM  
5 votes:
Never interfere in a boy and girl fight.

Beware of whores who say they don't want money. The hell they don't. What they mean is they want more money. Much more.

If you're doing business with a religious son of a biatch, get it in writing. His word isn't worth shiat, not with the good Lord telling him how to fark you on the deal.

Avoid farkups. You all know the type. Anything they have anything to do with, no matter how good it sounds, turns into a disaster.

Do not offer sympathy to the mentally ill. Tell them firmly, "I am not paid to listen to this drivel. You are a terminal fool."

-William S. Burroughs
2008-04-27 07:36:18 PM  
5 votes:
Next year at college, when that 40-year-old offers to "teach you the ropes," whether you're a man or woman, spend one semester DOING IT. Your spouse will thank them later.
2008-04-27 07:35:34 PM  
5 votes:
There is no time but the present.

- Apeiron
2008-04-27 07:24:04 PM  
5 votes:
How lovely it is to do nothing all day, and after having done so, to rest. It's from The Secret of Santa Vittoria. But I like it.
2008-04-27 09:01:42 PM  
4 votes:
Enjoy every sandwich - Warren Zevon
2008-04-27 08:20:39 PM  
4 votes:
Everything in moderation.

Including moderation.
2008-04-27 08:11:44 PM  
4 votes:
To use the opinions of actors and actresses as guides to which politics to support is somewhat equivalent to using engineers as fashion arbitrers.
2008-04-27 08:10:05 PM  
4 votes:
Zarathustra said:
"You must base everything on these three rules:
Behave well,
Speak well,
Act well."
2008-04-27 07:58:24 PM  
4 votes:
2008-04-27 07:50:23 PM  
4 votes:
Don't just eat a hamburger - Eat the HELL out of it.
2008-04-27 07:47:19 PM  
4 votes:
Each man is a god, Each man is free.
2008-04-27 07:47:11 PM  
4 votes:
You're not listening to a damn thing I say so I'll just cut it short and say good luck - you're going to need it.
2008-04-27 07:45:33 PM  
4 votes:
Everyone is busy looking out for number one. You can either resent that fact or take advantage of it.
2008-04-27 07:43:25 PM  
4 votes:
You just spent 4 years working your ass off for a worthless certificate.

Some of you have learned your lesson.

Others will continue their education and spend another 4 years and many thousands of dollars earning another worthless certificate.
2008-04-27 07:42:58 PM  
4 votes:
ubermensch: conserve water, shower with a friend

Save a tree, eat a beaver.
2008-04-27 07:42:30 PM  
4 votes:
Milk nourishes the poison of snakes. Good counsel to the unworthy provokes rather than satisfies them.

Or, more appropriate to a speach in school these days: if you pay fast food with a credit card your ass suffers for it twice.
2008-04-27 07:38:15 PM  
4 votes:
Relationships are everything.
2008-04-27 07:37:36 PM  
4 votes:
conserve water, shower with a friend
2008-04-27 07:34:49 PM  
4 votes:
Honesty is the best policy, but by elimination, dishonesty is the second best policy.


If you're a guy:

Offer free, hot sex to the hawt ladies.

If you're a chick:

Offer blowjobs.
2008-04-27 07:33:45 PM  
4 votes:
The dude abides.
2008-04-27 07:33:12 PM  
4 votes:
Death is but a door, time is but a window. I'll be back

/Vigo the Carpathian FTW
2008-04-27 07:31:55 PM  
4 votes:
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you...but do it to them first.
2008-04-27 09:48:48 PM  
3 votes:
Ask her out. Rejection hurts much less than "What If?"s.
2008-04-27 09:42:22 PM  
3 votes:
Never work for someone who doesn't have kids of their own or cheats on their wife. They won't understand when you have to get home to your kid's game, and if they're willing to do that to their wife, think what they're gonna be willing to do to you.
2008-04-27 09:27:21 PM  
3 votes:
Get up every morning, look in the mirror and tell yourself "Today is going to be a great day". Then make is so.
2008-04-27 09:12:36 PM  
3 votes:
Don't work so hard that you're the valedectorian of this high school. Trust me, nobody's going to give a sh*
t even 5 years from now.
2008-04-27 08:53:04 PM  
3 votes:
Lick it before you stick it.
2008-04-27 08:47:17 PM  
3 votes:
I second "don't be a douche" and raise you "as soon as you can possibly afford it, get a large, sturdy bed with a long-lasting mattress and high-quality bed linen." The perfect bed comforts you during alone periods, works wonders for your mental well-being (therefore reducing your douche factor), and appears inviting to the people you want to get into it. This is the best advice I ever got, and it's still making me a happy person.

Also, for the ladies: take care of your breastige. Get properly fitted for bras ASAP and wear them as much as you can stand it. Your boobolas will not always look as good as they do now. As a corollary, men who don't appreciate lingerie are douchebags.

/late and tipsy, resulting in poor grammar and syntax
//black sheets do wonders for olive-skinned chicks
///dump him if he's got a tiny wang
2008-04-27 08:42:05 PM  
3 votes:
The cake is a lie.
2008-04-27 08:15:57 PM  
3 votes:
Never mistake motion for action.

If you can smell it at the belly button, open a window, crawl out and back to your dorm room.

Never put your finger where you wouldn't put your face.

Good, cheap, fast... you can only ever have two so choose wisely.

/stay in school now... it's easier than when your 30ish
2008-04-27 08:11:31 PM  
3 votes:
Life is wasted on the living.
--Douglas Adams
2008-04-27 08:09:29 PM  
3 votes:
“A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.”--Robert Purvis
2008-04-27 08:09:24 PM  
3 votes:
A very wise man once stated..

"A man doesn't understand true happiness until he is married


by then of course, it's too late"
2008-04-27 08:07:15 PM  
3 votes:
So this is not what you should say word for word, but my little story ends in some good advice.

So I grew in a smaller town in the California Central Valley where the only thing to do is go to the bowling alley. I moved to Santa Cruz to go to school and am in my third year there. Of course, I go home frequently to visit my family and catch up with friends from high school. One of these friends is one who the entire time I have known her talked only of how she wanted to get away from that town, and do something with her life. She never left and still lives with her parents, dating the same guy she has since High School; who also lives with his parents. Which is by far one the toughest things that I have seen. That is the thing about growing up there, either you get out and go see the world, or it holds you there till the day you die. I love my family to death, and I love my friends there, but there is no way I will ever live in that town again. There is too many other places to exist in this world.

So what I would say in your speech if you were me, is that even though everything you have known is in this town. Get out, and get away as soon as you can. You are an independent person, but you need to fight for that independence.
2008-04-27 08:06:42 PM  
3 votes:
Screw up now, before it's too late.
2008-04-27 08:04:35 PM  
3 votes:
Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards - Soren Kierkegaard

Don't hurry headlong into 'adult hood' like get married, get into a career, buy a house, etc. Take the time to travel, experiment, or just bum around. Wear crazy fun clothes while you're still young enough to get away with them. Get everything out of your system before you 'settle down' and you'll have fewer regrets and 'what-ifs'. Otherwise, you're more likely to have a mid-life crisis and screw up your life at a time when you have a lot more responsibilities and a lot less room to screw up.

Don't be afraid to try anything - more people regret not having done something than having done something.

And put some money aside - time + compound interest and you'll be set when you're old.
2008-04-27 08:01:42 PM  
3 votes:
You don't know it, but 99.99% of everyone graduating is too dumb to comprehend they're too dumb to have any kind of responsibility!

Look at the parents you came from, they voted the dumbest president anyone has ever seen into office, to only have him ruin the education system more and make you dumber than your parents on top of it! IT'S CALLED A FEEDBACK LOOP!

BTW, he has already spent money you haven't even earned yet in Iraq.

Remember, there's fresh Cool-Aid as you exit!
2008-04-27 07:52:05 PM  
3 votes:
If you were me you'd be going to college.
2008-04-27 07:50:27 PM  
3 votes:
*Even when life is easy, life is tough. If it's not, you're not trying hard enough.
*If you don't have enemies, you're doing something wrong.
*Life is a collection of experiences. Some are good, Some are bad.
*I've had some great times on drugs.
2008-04-27 07:47:46 PM  
3 votes:
Talk about how you can't really give them advice, as their advice has been important to your success.

It's unassuming, and it inspires the kiddos.

Five Second Test: if your grandma nods, then you're doing it right.
If your brother nods, reword your speech.
2008-04-27 07:46:27 PM  
3 votes:
win if you can, lose if you must, but always cheat
2008-04-27 07:42:52 PM  
3 votes:, never...forget to check your references.

/and remember the immortal words of Socrates, who said, "I drank what?"
2008-04-28 12:36:48 AM  
2 votes:
imgs.xkcd.comView Full Size
2008-04-27 10:52:30 PM  
2 votes:
Shop smart, shop S Mart
wiw.orgView Full Size
2008-04-27 10:17:11 PM  
2 votes:
"A well used day brings happy sleep as a well used life brings happy death."
-L. da Vinci

"A ship in the harbor is safe but that's not where it was build to be."

"Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark; professionals built the Titanic."

There is a good reason they call these ceremonies "commencement exercises." Graduation is not the end; it's the beginning.
-Orrin Hatch
2008-04-27 09:59:01 PM  
2 votes:
"I never let my schooling get in the way of my education."

-Mark Twain
2008-04-27 09:47:14 PM  
2 votes:
Always buy two-ply, never one-ply.
2008-04-27 09:39:48 PM  
2 votes:
"A little song,
A little dance.
A little seltzer
in your pants."
2008-04-27 09:37:42 PM  
2 votes:
Good advice from Teddy Roosevelt in a world full of cynicism:

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.
2008-04-27 09:32:31 PM  
2 votes:
When my friends daughter turned 16 he gave her only three rules: "No unprotected sex, no intravenous drugs, and don't marry anyone you know now."
2008-04-27 09:30:05 PM  
2 votes:
The foot you step on today may be attached to the ass you have to kiss tomorrow.
2008-04-27 09:23:40 PM  
2 votes:
Firstly, I'd like to thank the Dean for accepting my father's check to make today such a success for me...
2008-04-27 09:15:17 PM  
2 votes:
Advice? I got plenty, but the Sunscreen speech really kind of sums it up. My suggestion is that you:

1) Dye your hair red, and spike it up into a flattop
2) Wear sunglasses and a trench coat
3) Pick up a boombox and crank "Never Gonna Give You Up" by Rick Astley.

Valedictorian speeches come and go, but Rick Rolls are forever.
2008-04-27 09:11:13 PM  
2 votes:
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
2008-04-27 09:06:15 PM  
2 votes:
thalidomide new and improved

Be Excellent to Each Other
2008-04-27 08:48:54 PM  
2 votes:
A good lesson to learn from The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly:

Tuco is sitting in a bubble bath, and a one-armed man who wants to kill him, happens upon him. he says to Tuco that he's been waiting for this moment, and has learned to shoot with his left hand. Taking aim, tuco shoots him with a gun in the water. Tuco's line is:

When you have to shoot, shoot; don't talk.

The lesson is that you should act first. always.

/If that doesn't work, yell "San Dimas High School Football Rules!" and see who gets it
2008-04-27 08:47:14 PM  
2 votes:
Blessed are the flexible for they shall not be bent out of shape.
-- Unknown

We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person, perfectly.
-- Unknown

If you want to make God laugh, all you have to do is tell him your plans.
-- Unknown

Sometimes the greatest risk of all is never taking one at all.
-- Unknown

We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give.
-- Winston Churchill

You will never know how much it has cost my generation to preserve your freedom. I hope you will make good use of it.
-- John Quincy Adams

And in the end it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years.
-- Abraham Lincoln

I want to know God's thoughts; the rest are details.
- Albert Einstein

The hottest places in Hell are reserved for those who in time of great moral crises maintain their neutrality.
-- Dante Aleghieri

Pain is temporary...Victory is forever!!
-- Unknown

Dogs also bark at what they do not know.
-- Heraclitus

They say opportunity knocks at the door, but temptation leans on the doorbell.
-- Unknown

"With out love, all deeds, even the most brilliant, are as nothing."
--St. Teresa of Lisieux

"I would rather feel compassion than know the meaning of it."
--St. Thomas Aquinas

"Love takes up where knowledge leaves off."
--St. Thomas Aquinas

There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror, and noticed she had only three hairs on her head. "Well," she said, "I think I'll braid my hair today." So she did and she had a wonderful day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw that she had only two hairs on her head. "Hmm," she said, "I think I'll part my hair down the middle today." So she did and she had a grand day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that she had only one hair on her head. "Well," she said, "today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail." So she did, and she had a fun, fun day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head. "YAY!" she exclaimed. "I don't have to fix my hair today!"
2008-04-27 08:46:07 PM  
2 votes:
Go with something along the lines of Bill Murray's speech in Rushmore:

"You guys have it real easy. I never had it like this where I grew up. But I send my kids here because the fact is you go to one of the best schools in the country: Rushmore. Now, for some of you it doesn't matter. You were born rich and your going to stay rich. But here's my advice to the rest of you: Take dead aim on the rich boys. Get them in the crosshairs and take them down. Just remember, they can buy anything but they can't buy backbone. Don't let them forget it. Thank you."

billmurray.bravehost.comView Full Size

/Sic transit gloria.
2008-04-27 08:44:55 PM  
2 votes:
If you want wise and insightful, go with some Emerson (Ralph Waldo).

My fave (but it's a little cliche):

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."
2008-04-27 08:40:05 PM  
2 votes:
A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that "individuality" is the key to success. ~Robert Orben


You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.
You're on your own.
And you know what you know.
You are the guy who'll decide where to go.
~Dr. Seuss (really. No kidding)


If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm. ~Vince Lombardi


The man who will use his skill and constructive imagination to see how much he can give for a dollar, instead of how little he can give for a dollar, is bound to succeed.
Henry Ford
2008-04-27 08:39:03 PM  
2 votes:

"Act like a dumbshiat and they'll treat you as an equal." - J.R. "Bob" Dobbs
2008-04-27 08:38:31 PM  
2 votes:
Here's one:

If you're ever going through hell... keep going
2008-04-27 08:37:33 PM  
2 votes:
No matter where you go or what you do, don't forget to bring your towel.
2008-04-27 08:36:12 PM  
2 votes:
all you have to know is one simple number

2008-04-27 08:34:18 PM  
2 votes:
"Never go back for your bag"
2008-04-27 08:32:56 PM  
2 votes:
You might think that your reputation proceeds you but it's more likely to be following you around.
2008-04-27 08:31:29 PM  
2 votes:
Show me your friends and I'll show you your future.
2008-04-27 08:30:42 PM  
2 votes:
I look upon maturity as a well-crafted weapon. Efficient, brutal, and to be used only when absolutely necessary. Until such times, bring on the fart jokes and video games.
2008-04-27 08:30:07 PM  
2 votes:
Don't worry about your status as much as you do your enjoyment of life. Poor people can become rich, ugly can become beautiful. You only live once. Enrich your life. Do what you want. The biggest obstacle is you. And whatever you do, it'll always be more fun with others.
2008-04-27 08:27:23 PM  
2 votes:
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
2008-04-27 08:26:45 PM  
2 votes:
"One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men. No machine can do the work of one extraordinary man."
- Elbert Hubbard

/Not L. Ron Hubbard - Elbert Hubbard! The one with a brain.
2008-04-27 08:17:32 PM  
2 votes:
life is tough, life is tougher if your stupid

-John Wayne
2008-04-27 08:14:44 PM  
2 votes:
Drink liquor now while your liver is still young and resiliant!
2008-04-27 08:14:37 PM  
2 votes:
Regret from a action will eventually lose its pain over time...

Regret from inaction will stay with you til your dying day.
2008-04-27 08:13:47 PM  
2 votes:
My adaptation of the serenity prayer:

"Endeavor to have the serenity to accept the things you cannot change, the courage to change the things you can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

This is the most valuable lesson I have learned so far (granted, I'm only 26). There will be people in your life that you care about who will consistently do bad things and make bad choices. This could be due to anything from drug/alcohol addiction to low self-esteem to whining and laziness. Try to help people, but if they refuse the help, let them go. They will only bring you down. It's cliche, but remember that you aren't in a position to help someone else unless you take care of yourself. Sometimes, it's okay to put yourself first.

Also, invest. Invest your money as soon as you can. Invest in yourself. Work hard now; it will pay off. If you're going to college, enjoy yourself (or you'll burn yourself out), but always remember the real reason you are there. I've seen other students become alcoholics or drug addicts. I've seen some who were straight-A students just get lazy and drop out. I've seen some get pregnant. I've seen some go to jail because they got caught with drugs. Don't let one small temptation ruin your life. Is one night of unprotected sex worth being stuck with a kid? Is driving drunk worth killing yourself, someone else, or losing your license and possibly your job?

Take time to be introspective. Recognize your faults, and work to change them. Don't blame others for your troubles! I've seen this too many times; it does no good, and if you convince yourself that others are always to blame, you'll never fix what's wrong with yourself. If someone else really is causing trouble for you, cut them out of your life. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself or what you think is right. Ultimately, you are the one in charge of your life. Recognize that. Own your decisions, be glad when the results are good, and accept it when they are not. In either case, learn from them.
2008-04-27 08:04:55 PM  
2 votes:
It is easier to ask forgiveness than permission...
2008-04-27 07:57:49 PM  
2 votes:
In your career, like in life, keep an eye on your goal. Even if you don't or can't really figure out one you want, pick one anyway. Pick an arbitrary (worthy) goal and strive for it. The focus will help you in your life and your career immensely. If either one isn't moving you towards that goal, change something. Anything. Keep adjusting until you reach the goal. If you ever reach that goal, you'll know your next one. Then when you're rich, remember trapped-in-ch. send $$.
2008-04-27 07:57:17 PM  
2 votes:
Say this:

Parents, grandparents, and other assorted proletariat swine, the few years I've spent with this vulgar band of semi-literate mongoloids remind of the feral beast people of The Island of Dr. Moreau.

Then run.
2008-04-27 07:56:42 PM  
2 votes:
To be prepared against surprise is to be trained. To be prepared for surprise is to be educated."
- James P. Carse
2008-04-27 07:51:24 PM  
2 votes:
'Do or do not, there is no try.' ~Yoda

'Don't worry what other people think. F'm if they can't take a joke.' ~my pops

'In the slave galleon that is life, do you want to be the guy at the oar or the one beating the drum?' ~me
2008-04-27 07:46:16 PM  
2 votes:
Learn Chinese.

/and Spanish, too, if you have time
2008-04-27 07:39:40 PM  
2 votes:
You might have some trouble, however, when the oil hits the anus.
2008-04-27 07:39:13 PM  
2 votes:
Feel free to use my personal motto.
"Live forever or die trying"
2008-04-27 07:35:45 PM  
2 votes:
There is no I in team, but there is in win.
2008-04-27 07:35:17 PM  
2 votes:
Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. Glory... lasts forever.
2008-04-28 08:15:03 PM  
1 vote:
Final attempt:

Everything you will want to do in life has a cost. Sometimes it's in money, sometimes in work, sometimes in pain, or embarrassment, or self-respect, or, in extreme cases, lives. If you think about the cost ahead of time, you can decide whether the thing you want is worth the cost. If it's worth the cost, do it. But be aware of, and ready to pay, the cost.

Ex: Going to college has a cost (money, time).
So does not going to college (future earnings, networking, etc).
Beating up the guy who stole your girlfriend has a cost, too, in time (specifically jail time), money (lost income), embarrassment, lost future earnings, etc.

As a subset of the above: read it before you sign it. Always. Rental agreements, insurance policies, traffic tickets, credit card agreements, whatever. This will help you avoid some "hidden" costs.
2008-04-28 12:04:49 PM  
1 vote:
not that anyone is going to vote for this one (since this is fark), but forgot to turn on voting, so here it is again..

If you are 20 an not a liberal, you do not have a heart.
If you are 40 and not a conservative, you do not have a brain.
2008-04-28 11:08:17 AM  
1 vote:

"You'll PAY to know what you really think."
"I don't practice what I preach because I'm not the kind of person I'm preaching to."
"Don't just eat that hamburger, eat the HELL out of it!"
"You know how dumb the average person is? Well, by definition, half of 'em are even dumber than THAT."
"Relax in the safety of your own delusions."
"Pull the wool over your own eyes."
"'Too much' is always better than not enough."
"The stupider it looks, the more important it probably is."

- J.R. "Bob" Dobbs
2008-04-28 10:25:43 AM  
1 vote:
Invest in yourself, Don't trust the lottery, It's a tax on people that are bad at math....
2008-04-28 09:07:52 AM  
1 vote:
I haven't read them all, I'm too busy working. Here are a few things I have learned:

Make sure there's paper BEFORE you sit down.

You are no better than anyone else, but you are just as good as they are.

The only thing you can truly change in life is yourself.

Have a good time no matter what you do. You may not accomplish what you set out to do, but at least you had a good time.

Enjoy every moment no matter how small or insignificant.

People rarely change for you. So appreciate them for who they are.

Always pet a dog or cat. They love it. Plus, it's fun.

The problem with life is that there is little or no time for practice. Just be aware of that.

A Dennis the Menace cartoon had Dennis and Joey digging a hole. So in case it rains, they can play in the mud. You never know when life is going to rain, so always be prepared to have fun in it.

Always be polite.

Be nice to people who are mean to you. Not only does it make you a better person, but it pisses them off.

You may not get rich with this stuff, but life will be more enjoyable.
2008-04-28 08:17:32 AM  
1 vote:
Floodman: I'm supposed to speak at graduation and address my class. I'd like to give them some life wisdom, but just like them, I lack life wisdom.

You've already nailed it.

If you want to expound, then you explain something like this:

"As I reflected upon what words I could use to impart wisdom to you, I realized that I have actually acquired little of that precious commodity thus far, and am nobody to give advice. I then began to wonder: how could I achieve wisdom? I turned to the internet to ask random strangers for their help, and again received relatively little. I turned to the mass media and got nowhere. I noticed that in the Bible, Solomon was given a wish for anything in the world. He did not choose long life or riches, but asked for wisdom. Apparently he, too, found it difficult to acquire.

You see, it is wisdom which allows us to distinguish a good path from a bad. It is wisdom which would have allowed (insert specific anecdote of some tomfoolery from the Class of 2008 here, just be sure it's not some horrible tragedy - don't want to punish anyone on a happy occasion). It is collective wisdom which moves a society forward to better ways. It is wisdom which helps us temper anger, frustration or jealousy, and make our relationships more honest and true. Wisdom has a thousand uses, if only it is employed.

But again: is there no simple way to achieve wisdom? Can't I take a pill or read a book and become wise? Of course not. The more I thought about it, the more I began to realize that wisdom is scarce. It is found in unexpected places at random times, from the old and the young, from the rich and the poor. There are people who are tremendously smart who have none, and there are people who are as simple as the day is long who live wisely and well. That's when it hit me: wisdom is everywhere, yet unnoticed and unappreciated. It can be gathered and absorbed everyday in small doses, and it accumulates over time with people who care to collect it. Sometimes people collect it by accident, for as my folks used to say "Experience is what you get right after you needed it."

It is people who have the experience, who have been there and done that who have the most chance of having acquired wisdom. Those who have gone to war probably have the best perspective on the wisdom of the endeavor. Perhaps we should talk to them about what they learned. Those who have lived through economic crisis probably have the best advice for troubled times. Those who have loved and lost might have a thing or two to say about relationships that might be worth hearing.

The list goes on and on. As I reviewed it, I was struck by another thought: there are two common themes. In all of these situations, the transfer of wisdom from those to have to those who have not requires some effort on the part of those who have not. Indeed, as I suggested, sometimes those who have become wise scarcely realize it, so their thoughts need to be drawn out and considered. Others try continuously, but express the concepts to an unappreciative audience. Still others have grown weary or frustrated with the colossal stupidity and lunacy which seems to grip our world sometimes. Those who would have wisdom must first be prepared to receive it in unexpected ways or from imperfect teachers. Second, they must consider the concepts and thoughts with a candid, yet skeptical mind. Not everything which appears on the internet or in the newspapers is wise or true. Repeating history, repeating errors or unwise actions is not a good thing, and should be avoided.

In closing, I would like to express my appreciation for the teachers and parents gathered here today for all of the times you have attempted to impart wisdom to us, the members of the Class of 2008. Some of your efforts have succeeded and will be with us for the rest of our lives. Others, we may yet come to appreciate in the future. Until that time my friends and my classmates, be open to wisdom, seek it out and hoard it like the precious commodity it is, then employ it so that you might live wisely and well."
2008-04-28 03:24:00 AM  
1 vote:
Remember children, after graduation, this school has strictly enforced "No loitering rules"...unlike prior to graduation.
2008-04-28 01:33:21 AM  
1 vote:
"What's real is unreal."
"It is not how hard you work, it is how much you get done."
Unfortunately my snappy little phrase did not make it below my yearbook picture. "I hate you all and could with great effort care less what happens to any of you."

My school kept hassling me about coming to the graduation ceremony and the prom. They just didn't believe that it would actually take effort for me to care less about the whole thing.

I like the first snappy phrase at the top myself.
2008-04-28 01:01:43 AM  
1 vote:
Remember: If you build a man a fire, he'll be warm for one night. If you set him on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Or something like that.

/too late, but still enabling voting, cuz it's a very good saying
2008-04-28 12:47:47 AM  
1 vote:
Oh God, the terrible tyranny of the majority.

-Ray Bradbury in Farenheit 451
2008-04-28 12:20:45 AM  
1 vote:
Life's not a biatch. Life is a beautiful woman, you only call her a biatch because she wouldn't let you get that p*ssy.
2008-04-28 12:17:29 AM  
1 vote:
If she smokes...She pokes.
2008-04-27 11:56:39 PM  
1 vote:
"you can only rent beer"
2008-04-27 11:56:08 PM  
1 vote:
Buy a beach house, not so much for the property but for the state of mind that it invokes.
2008-04-27 11:54:49 PM  
1 vote:
"You are unique just like everyone else"
Lily Tomlin
a very humbling statement.
2008-04-27 11:48:58 PM  
1 vote:
Three things everyone should know:

- To do anything exciting in this life you have to be prepared to look stupid.

- You can't fake bullshiatting ability

- You will go over budget and over time
2008-04-27 11:44:59 PM  
1 vote:
If it's not Scottish it's CRAP!!!

Don't play poker with anyone whose fist name is also a name of a city.

Pray for Omarion.

It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.

Nothing good ever happens after 3am

and on a personal note--never where orange on a first date. It's bad luck,
2008-04-27 11:42:18 PM  
1 vote:
There are 10 kinds of people in this world... those that know binary, and those that don't.

Fear the geeks, one day, you'll be working for us.
2008-04-27 11:41:48 PM  
1 vote:
The Truth is Silly Putty.
2008-04-27 11:36:17 PM  
1 vote:
Do what I did: finish with a quote from Tolkien,

"I know half of you half as well as I should like and like less than half of you half as well as you deserve."

There is a tape of my graduation where the father of one graduate pointed the camera at the floor at that point because he was too busy laughing to keep taping. He could faintly be heard to call me a smartass as he pulled the camera back up.
2008-04-27 11:28:40 PM  
1 vote:
"The only fate worse than death is life."

True, too. Whenever someone says "A fate worse than death", you can be pretty sure you're gonna survive it. And that this is not supposed to be a good thing. Nonetheless, if you're still alive, you can always get revenge. See any James Bond movie for examples.
2008-04-27 11:23:10 PM  
1 vote:
It's a trap!

//seriously...the job, the kids...
2008-04-27 11:17:09 PM  
1 vote:
Don't hold your breath on getting a free bar towel.

/I have to stop, there's just too many bad ideas to use...
2008-04-27 11:12:36 PM  
1 vote:
Leave the seat down.
2008-04-27 11:11:27 PM  
1 vote:
Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
2008-04-27 11:09:33 PM  
1 vote:
Something my 4 year old son said to me and the wife while driving one day. (paraphrased from 4 year old English to well... 30 year old)

"The most important thing to remember is to not get stepped on my a giant."

Remember that and all problems will seem pale in comparison.
2008-04-27 11:05:30 PM  
1 vote:
so long, and thanks for all the fish
2008-04-27 11:02:53 PM  
1 vote:
1. Credit cards will ruin your life.
2. Never exceed a 35% debt to income ratio. Ever.
3. Save 10% of your income (5% to savings, 5% to 401K) Start NOW.
4. Never take away someone's hope - it may be all they have.
5. Don't get married until you're 25.
6. The older you get, the smarter your parents become. Realize it now and save yourself some regret later.
2008-04-27 10:59:54 PM  
1 vote:
"If you shake it more than twice it's playing with yourself" -Homer Simpson
2008-04-27 10:57:44 PM  
1 vote:
"Its only gay if you push back." --Jim Norton
2008-04-27 10:49:49 PM  
1 vote:
Be well remembered.
2008-04-27 10:47:30 PM  
1 vote:
Everybody is good for something. Even the worst of us can serve as a bad example.
2008-04-27 10:40:27 PM  
1 vote:
chevychasecentral.comView Full Size

The Zen philosopher Basho once wrote, "A flute with no holes is not a flute, and a donut with no hole is a danish- he was a funny guy."
2008-04-27 10:34:45 PM  
1 vote:
Here are the only original maxims I've created that are worth repeating:

Innovate; never imitate - but don't reinvent the wheel.

Your integrity is the only thing you truly own, because it's the only thing that you can't be robbed of without your permission.
2008-04-27 10:23:56 PM  
1 vote:
Never have more dogs than you have hands.
2008-04-27 10:22:40 PM  
1 vote:

Lighten up, Frances

2008-04-27 10:15:19 PM  
1 vote:
In your life, you make the rules.
2008-04-27 09:55:26 PM  
1 vote:
Add 10 years to your age, and never trust anyone over that.
2008-04-27 09:50:21 PM  
1 vote:
On College(for those going): There is a system. Learn it. Game it whenever possible. You are paying for your education somehow even if you have loans. Talk to your professors if you have a problem. If you don't have a problem go anyway, professors grade you easier if they know your face. Study hard 9-5 so you can party 5-4. You're only young once, live it up.

Guys: Have a stash of emergency contraceptives. They're easier to use than a coat hanger and better for her than a fall down the stairs.

Gals: Make yourself available. You never know who'll be the next under 30 millionaire. If it ends up being you you'll have an idea of what you like.
2008-04-27 09:48:56 PM  
1 vote:
"San Demas highschool football rules!"
2008-04-27 09:47:50 PM  
1 vote:
Life is like a box of expensive imported Chinese chocolates...

It has a lot of nuts, some shredded coconut, and a nice dose of lead.
2008-04-27 09:45:19 PM  
1 vote:
You can fix almost anything with a roll of duct tape, a Swiss Army knife and a can of WD-40.
2008-04-27 09:43:21 PM  
1 vote:
God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.
2008-04-27 09:35:32 PM  
1 vote:
[image from too old to be available]

"Speak softly and carry a big stick."
2008-04-27 09:34:20 PM  
1 vote:
My motto has always been:

"The oxen is slow, but the earth is patient".

No idea what it means, but it sure sounds deep.
2008-04-27 09:24:07 PM  
1 vote:
Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.
2008-04-27 09:20:29 PM  
1 vote:

"You can't do better sitting on your ass."

/ with voting goodness...
2008-04-27 09:20:22 PM  
1 vote:
Except for drinking, screwing, driving, and going to bed when you want, grownup life sucks.
Enjoy your youth.

2008-04-27 09:20:05 PM  
1 vote:
Always do what you are afraid of.
2008-04-27 09:19:20 PM  
1 vote:
Words are tools.
Images are real.
Knowledge is power.
Truth is relative.
Change is inevitable.
2008-04-27 09:17:59 PM  
1 vote:
Happiness is often doing what you want to do. Longevity is, quite often, doing what’s right. Life is, more often than not, balancing what gives you happiness versus that which gives you longevity
2008-04-27 09:17:49 PM  
1 vote:
Either, do something you really like doing,
or do something that they pay you so farking much money
that it doesn't matter whether you like it or not.
2008-04-27 09:14:45 PM  
1 vote:
Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.
2008-04-27 09:11:17 PM  
1 vote:
Go forth and die.
2008-04-27 09:07:25 PM  
1 vote:
I have only one thing to say about college: "if you think birth control protects against STDs, you deserve syphilis."
2008-04-27 09:00:07 PM  
1 vote:
Don't fark up.

/Didn't read thread
2008-04-27 08:52:27 PM  
1 vote:
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice, pull down your pants and slide on the ice."
2008-04-27 08:50:52 PM  
1 vote:
No one besides your family gives a shiat you are the Valedictorian. Same goes for most things in life.

No one reads this far down on Fark either.
2008-04-27 08:48:00 PM  
1 vote:
Whether you think you can, or think you can't, you're right. -Henry Ford
2008-04-27 08:47:44 PM  
1 vote:
I cheated like a motherfarker and I have no regrets.
2008-04-27 08:45:41 PM  
1 vote:
"A" Students end up as teachers
"B" Students wind up working for "C" Students
"C" Students (and below, including Drop Outs) become the rich.
2008-04-27 08:44:41 PM  
1 vote:
Take a look around you. All these people you despise will someday look you up on Facebook and pretend you've been best friends all your lives because you were in this class. All the people you were really good friends with will be too good for your and you'll never see them again.

This is just a tiny preview of how farked up life is. shiat yourselves now because it's the last time you can do so being just a kid.
2008-04-27 08:40:18 PM  
1 vote:
PseudoNic: The road goes on forever, where you choose to stop is up to you.

Wrong. The road goes on forever, and the party never ends.

My nugget: Never trust anyone who repeatedly says "Trust me".
2008-04-27 08:35:27 PM  
1 vote:
So long and thanks for all the fish
2008-04-27 08:35:10 PM  
1 vote:
Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.
2008-04-27 08:34:36 PM  
1 vote:
Go right ahead and roll on Shabbos.
2008-04-27 08:31:12 PM  
1 vote:
"Never make Fark"
2008-04-27 08:30:12 PM  
1 vote:
Expanding upon a couple of previous posts: Hold up a bottle of Shinola and say, "THIS is Shinola. You now possess more than 90% of the true wisdom you will need for the rest of your lives."
2008-04-27 08:29:40 PM  
1 vote:
Yoshi's helpful hint #137: Don't take your bad mood out on friends or family. That's why Nature invented Strangers. That, and their seemingly endless supply of candy.
2008-04-27 08:29:22 PM  
1 vote:
"F**k beauty contests. Life is one f**king beauty contest after another. School, then college, then work. F**k that. You do what you love, and f**k the rest."
-Little Miss Sunshine
2008-04-27 08:25:03 PM  
1 vote:
Live every day like it is your last. Depressed and Angry at an insensitive God.
2008-04-27 08:22:46 PM  
1 vote:
When in question or in doubt,
Run in circles, scream, and shout.
Give them Hell, and fire a gun;
Hoist the signal up: Well done.
2008-04-27 08:19:13 PM  
1 vote:
Don't go to farking college. It's a rip-off and you'll be paying off student loans till you're 50 (or older) and regret it the rest of your life. Become a plumber or an electrician. You'll be an owner or manager in 10 years making 70+ and doing just fine. Don't fark up like I did. College sucks. Don't do it. Just say no.
2008-04-27 08:16:28 PM  
1 vote:
[image from too old to be available]">

"F*** a lot of women, kid."
2008-04-27 08:16:15 PM  
1 vote:
"Take it easy, but take it"

~Woody Guthrie
2008-04-27 08:13:32 PM  
1 vote:
There are those that are good at what they do, and those that like what they do, if you're really really lucky, you'll have both.


- Stay inside the law.
- Make lots of money.
- enjoy your job.

Pick two.
2008-04-27 08:12:56 PM  
1 vote:
Don't remember (or really care) who said either one, but they're good words to live by:

Life's a game, all you have to do, is know how to play it.

A man's gotta make at least one bet a day, else he could be walking around lucky and never know it.
2008-04-27 08:12:43 PM  
1 vote:
Win if you can, lose if you must, but always cheat.
2008-04-27 08:12:29 PM  
1 vote:
frostus: Merltech: Assumption makes an ass of you and me umption.


A boss once told me, "When you assume, you make an ass of u and me." I replied, "Actually, when you assume, you ADD an ass to u and me, and I don't know about you, but I could always go for a piece of ass!"

And that's why you don't quit college and go work in a factory. You end up with people dumber than you in positions of authority spewing crap like "when you assume, you make an ass of u and me" like they've dispensed invaluable wisdom upon you.
2008-04-27 08:08:36 PM  
1 vote:
Fresh Princess of Groton: Use my yearbook quote:

The purpose of life is not to see through one another, but to see one another through.

Or mine:

"I'm the one who's got to die when it's time for me to die, so let me live my life the way I want to. There." -- Jimi Hendrix
2008-04-27 08:08:07 PM  
1 vote:
When you keep your focus, eventually your focus keeps you. Sometimes without parole. (Duma Key by Stephen King)
2008-04-27 08:07:33 PM  
1 vote:
Bring-out-your-dead: Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it! ... attributed to unknown...anyone?

It's Bill Gates, my fellow farker.

But for some advice, always remember, if she looks too good to be legal, she likely isn't.
2008-04-27 08:03:29 PM  
1 vote:
Use my yearbook quote:

The purpose of life is not to see through one another, but to see one another through.
2008-04-27 08:03:13 PM  
1 vote:
CONGRATULATIONS! You graduated from Kindergarten!

Next stop: grade school, where there is no nap time.

/never attended this 'kindergarten'
2008-04-27 08:02:30 PM  
1 vote:
Air first, food second.
2008-04-27 08:01:16 PM  
1 vote:
Don't whiz on the electric fence.

Don't eat yellow snow, nor accept 'lemon' snow cones.

Don't vote Republican.

If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.

/amazed not one farker offered up the first one.
2008-04-27 07:55:58 PM  
1 vote:
If it's yellow, let it mellow; if it's brown, flush it down.
2008-04-27 07:55:21 PM  
1 vote:
You need to know the difference...

[image from too old to be available]

2008-04-27 07:54:59 PM  
1 vote:
There's no sex in the champagne room.
2008-04-27 07:53:04 PM  
1 vote:
Don't do anything I wouldn't do.....but if you do.....
be sure to take pictures...LOTS of pictures!
2008-04-27 07:52:58 PM  
1 vote:
Go out, make millions, and never forget your good buddy the valedictorian.
2008-04-27 07:52:16 PM  
1 vote:
Here's a winner that spans the ages, the sexes and almost every aspect of life; one that I hold near and dear to my heart.

"Watch out for the cornhole, man."
-- "Lawrence", Office Space
2008-04-27 07:50:45 PM  
1 vote:
There will, in each of your lives, come a single day when all things lose their lustre. The limpid blue fades, the warm and soft cools and wrinkles, the sweet air hints at fetid.

When this day comes--and it is inevitable for each of us--just mutter "I do" and try to smile.
2008-04-27 07:47:31 PM  
1 vote:
daimlerneon: Save a tree, eat a beaver.

Save a horse, ride a cowboy

///save a horse, ride me instead
2008-04-27 07:45:54 PM  
1 vote:
What is mind?
Doesn't matter.

What is matter?
Never mind.
2008-04-27 07:42:17 PM  
1 vote:
Life is high school with money.

Life is a biatch, get a helmet. That way you can headbutt the hell out of someone if need be.

Strippers don't like you for your personality.

Work Hard. Play Hard. Understand that you are replaceable.
2008-04-27 07:39:08 PM  
1 vote:
Don't jerk off into the special sauce. You may need to order food from the drive-through yourself one day.
2008-04-27 07:37:11 PM  
1 vote:
Pants down, then shiat.

/Attell FTW
2008-04-27 07:33:56 PM  
1 vote:
Women hate me, this I know, for they always tell me so.
Displayed 250 of 250 comments

View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

This thread is archived, and closed to new comments.

Continue Farking

On Twitter

Top Commented
Javascript is required to view headlines in widget.
  1. Links are submitted by members of the Fark community.

  2. When community members submit a link, they also write a custom headline for the story.

  3. Other Farkers comment on the links. This is the number of comments. Click here to read them.

  4. Click here to submit a link.