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(Lancashire Evening Post)   Urban legend known as "Purple Aki" is in court accused of touching other people's biceps   (lep.co.uk) divider line
    More: Strange  
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8845 clicks; posted to Main » on 08 Nov 2007 at 5:22 AM (13 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook



45 Comments     (+0 »)
 
 
2007-11-08 5:30:39 AM  
Pectorals.
 
2007-11-08 5:35:39 AM  
Pulsating pectorals.
 
2007-11-08 5:40:23 AM  
If I keep reading Fark I'm going to become so afraid that I'll never leave my house ever again. Or even answer my door, for fear of being kidnapped by some magazine-selling cult. Eventually my mummified corpse will be found in one of the closets.

Speaking of mummified corpses, has anybody heard from Steve Fossett lately?
 
2007-11-08 5:42:04 AM  
Somebody has to have that picture of the guy telling Bruce Lee in a fem voice that he has such "Ripply Muscles"
 
2007-11-08 5:44:39 AM  
"...Sexual Offences Prevention Order imposed in October 2006, which bans him from "touching, feeling or measuring any muscle areas"."

This is a strangely specific ban: so....ermm, like, can he still grab boobies?
 
2007-11-08 5:45:43 AM  
"He was widely believed to be an urban legend until his imprisonment in Liverpool in 2001. He was well known as a "bogeyman" in the area, with stories of his activity reaching as far as Wigan and Doncaster.

"Many stories talk of his sexual attacks, but he has never been found guilty of anything of a sexual nature."


Those 2 paragraphs were copied word for word from the first line of the Wikipedia article about him.
 
2007-11-08 5:50:19 AM  
I take it he had tickets to the gun show, eh?
 
2007-11-08 6:16:56 AM  
That may be the strangest thing I've ever read. Off to shower...
 
2007-11-08 6:28:55 AM  
Police still on the lookout for the rest of the gang: Purple Nurple, Wet Willy, Indian Burn, and the dreaded Atomic Wedgie.

/GungFu First thing I thought when I saw that mug; he looks like the Candy Man.
 
2007-11-08 6:34:44 AM  
A physical jerk?
 
2007-11-08 6:39:29 AM  
Seems pretty harmless. Still, I'd be creeped out.
 
2007-11-08 6:57:47 AM  
Andrew Burnard: "...Sexual Offences Prevention Order imposed in October 2006, which bans him from "touching, feeling or measuring any muscle areas"."

This is a strangely specific ban: so....ermm, like, can he still grab boobies?


Only if the lady in question doesn't have Intramuscular implants.

But, something tells me this person wouldn't be drawn to
boobies. Just a hunch.
 
2007-11-08 7:14:29 AM  
Link (new window)

This guy is a multiple offender. Send him to the gallows. Hey Pommies, you all still have them in England right?
 
2007-11-08 7:18:48 AM  
DjangoStonereaver: But, something tells me this person wouldn't be drawn to
boobies. Just a hunch.


Not that there's anything in wrong with that.

/well, apart from it being illegal and all
 
2007-11-08 7:21:45 AM  
I was impressed that Purple Aki has been digitized. After all as the defence councel said "and the fact that he had in the past downloaded him through the net."
 
2007-11-08 7:24:00 AM  
I assume his defense was:
"But a deltoid and a bicep,
a hot groin and a tricep,
makes me shake,
makes me want to take Charles Atlas by the hand..."
 
2007-11-08 7:31:45 AM  
ongbok: "He was widely believed to be an urban legend until his imprisonment in Liverpool in 2001. He was well known as a "bogeyman" in the area, with stories of his activity reaching as far as Wigan and Doncaster.

"Many stories talk of his sexual attacks, but he has never been found guilty of anything of a sexual nature."

Those 2 paragraphs were copied word for word from the first line of the Wikipedia article about him.


FTFA before the paragraphs:

Robert Platts, defence, read the jury an account of Arobieke's notoriety taken from the website Wikipedia, which stated
 
2007-11-08 7:32:32 AM  
"A search of the suspect's house revealed a large collection of pornography"

[image from simonsays.com too old to be available]
 
2007-11-08 7:34:45 AM  
This sounds like a job for the purple shirted eye stabber
 
2007-11-08 7:45:15 AM  
I don't understand how a sex offender can be called an "urban myth"
 
2007-11-08 7:50:41 AM  
harrycary: I don't understand how a sex offender can be called an "urban myth"

"Dude, there's this purple looking guy that has a fetish for big muscles, and if you run into him he'll start measuring and touching your biceps."

"Sounds like bullshiat to me."
 
2007-11-08 7:57:20 AM  
and because people always seem to pull out ethnic double standards - let me just say that if this was done by a young white chick, no guy would be complaining...


/Purple Aki is so freaking creepy though...
//I'm all for criminalizing creepiness
 
2007-11-08 7:57:33 AM  
Uh, to get back to the, uh, the warning that I've received, you may take it with how many however many grains of salt you wish, that the purple aki that is circulating around us is not specifically too good. Uh, it's suggested that you do stay away from that, course it's your own trip, so be my guest, but, uh, please be advised that there is a warning on that one, ok?
 
2007-11-08 8:04:37 AM  
GIS for 'aki':

[image from darkhorizons.com too old to be available]

Hey wait a minute, that's that CG chick from the Final Fantasy movie, innit?
 
2007-11-08 8:09:14 AM  
I'm from Liverpool, where Purple Aki lives. Every school kid knows who he is around here. He's like our very own boogieman.

Errrr, only he's real and the truth is so much tamer than the legend.
 
2007-11-08 8:22:49 AM  
There is no such thing as a bicep.
 
2007-11-08 8:34:02 AM  
Hey, my bicep ain't between me legs!!!
 
2007-11-08 8:40:26 AM  
The guy who wrote Candyman was from Liverpool and WAS inspired by Purple Aki! True, true.

I'm from Liverpool and me and most of my friends believed Aki to be an urban legend until about two years ago.

He's been around for years... we destroyed an effigy of him in primary school at least 14 years ago.

The mere mention of him would send the playground into a frenzy and the teachers would bring us all inside the school for fear of an arse rapng by Purps.

The rumour was that if he got hold of you, he would play OXO (like tic tac toe) on your arse with a knife.

Needless to say, I never did venture into that abandoned cottage where he 'lived' on the wasteland by my house.

Total legend...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3YAL4QFXDRI (new window)
 
2007-11-08 8:58:12 AM  
This story freaked me out because recently a guy sided up to me when I was sitting in the pub and felt my bicep. Seriously. But this was a white chap and he was blind drunk.

He fondled me gently and then he smiled and moved on. I think he might have laughed. But I wasn't tensing! I shouted after him. I work in I.T.!
 
2007-11-08 9:22:08 AM  
So the guys in Preston, England are chickenshiat of another guy touching their beefy arms?

Sheesh. I'm an openly gay man and even I am so ashamed of the mega-wussy nature of cowardly British men.

And just what the heck was up with these sentences/paragraphs?!?

However, Mr Platts said:(comma, not colon) "Mr Arobieke accepts he was in Preston that day and around the area we are talking about, but he denies any contact with you. (missing end quote)

"What I suggest happened to you is that (your friend) (no need for parenthesis here) spotted him because he knew
about him because of his Liverpool football (friends] (no need for putting the word "friends" in parenthesis as we do not care about the interpersonal relationships of the person being quoted, also an end bracket typo is wrongly placed in the sentence) and the fact that he had in the past downloaded him through the net. (forgotten end quote again. How does a person "download" another person through the Internet? A better fix would be "downloaded images and information about him through the Internet.")

"He spots him and says there and then 'that's Purple Aki' at a distance from you and from that point on you spot him two or three times. (Forgotten end quote. Really horrible grammar here.)


The writer (unnamed) obviously failed grammar school as the language in the bolded text makes little sense if read aloud. I think the Lancashire Evening Post Online needs that "Stupidity Filter" for their online articles as a nitwit must have been allowed to hammer out this tidbit of whiny wussy panicky nothing.

There is not enough sarcasm bolding that I can add to this to clarify just how wimpy this whole whine-fest seems to me.

"OOOOOOOOOOoooooo... so an annoying not-attractive gay man touches your arm muscles in a homoerotically-flattering / creepy way? So instead of teaching him basic human manners so he can find some muscled gay dude to worship without creeping him out too, you instead decide to run to the press and whine to the world? You don't have to be a social worker for a loser, but heck, it looks like the muscle-groper shy gay dude needs SOMEONE to train him how not to be a creepy-dimwit. Once he gets foisted off on a dominant muscled gay jerk as a willing muscle-worship sex-addict then he'd no longer be your problem or anyone else's problem aside from annoying the muscled-gay jerk bossy-brute."


At some points in our human history, the law enforcement portion of society actually worked on solving human relationship problems so as to keep a good percentage of the stupid humans from being chronic problems in their daily workload.
 
2007-11-08 9:34:04 AM  
struthersneil: This story freaked me out because recently a guy sided up to me when I was sitting in the pub and felt my bicep. Seriously. But this was a white chap and he was blind drunk.

He fondled me gently and then he smiled and moved on. I think he might have laughed. But I wasn't tensing! I shouted after him. I work in I.T.!


(Translation:) "I'm a wimp! I'm not homosexual! Don't find me attractive!"

Our society has been on a losing streak since the teaching and practice of basic social manners fell by the wayside.

// They have a name for this reaction, it is called "Gay Panic" or "Homosexual Panic".
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homosexual_panic (pops)

/// Just say, "Dude, I'm not gay and not interested, go away." If they continue to be a "no respect for your personal space" jerk, then feel free to push them or yell at them. If it escalates, a reality-waking punch or two in their direction should make them realize their attentions are not being appreciated. Jerks come in all sexual preferences and genders. Murder is only legal if they are trying to murder you at that moment.
 
2007-11-08 9:35:22 AM  
etymxris: harrycary: I don't understand how a sex offender can be called an "urban myth"

"Dude, there's this purple looking guy that has a fetish for big muscles, and if you run into him he'll start measuring and touching your biceps."

"Sounds like bullshiat to me."


Sounds like a good premise for a C-grade horror flick.

Yes, I'm creeped out too. The last thing I need is someone just up and grabbing my muscles after I leave the gym or anything like that. Uh, unless I ask.
 
2007-11-08 9:36:08 AM  
Gridlock: So the guys in Preston, England are chickenshiat of another guy touching their beefy arms?

Sheesh. I'm an openly gay man and even I am so ashamed of the mega-wussy nature of cowardly British men.

And just what the heck was up with these sentences/paragraphs?!?

However, Mr Platts said:(comma, not colon) "Mr Arobieke accepts he was in Preston that day and around the area we are talking about, but he denies any contact with you. (missing end quote)

"What I suggest happened to you is that (your friend) (no need for parenthesis here) spotted him because he knew
about him because of his Liverpool football (friends] (no need for putting the word "friends" in parenthesis as we do not care about the interpersonal relationships of the person being quoted, also an end bracket typo is wrongly placed in the sentence) and the fact that he had in the past downloaded him through the net. (forgotten end quote again. How does a person "download" another person through the Internet? A better fix would be "downloaded images and information about him through the Internet.")

"He spots him and says there and then 'that's Purple Aki' at a distance from you and from that point on you spot him two or three times. (Forgotten end quote. Really horrible grammar here.)

The writer (unnamed) obviously failed grammar school as the language in the bolded text makes little sense if read aloud. I think the Lancashire Evening Post Online needs that "Stupidity Filter" for their online articles as a nitwit must have been allowed to hammer out this tidbit of whiny wussy panicky nothing.

There is not enough sarcasm bolding that I can add to this to clarify just how wimpy this whole whine-fest seems to me.

"OOOOOOOOOOoooooo... so an annoying not-attractive gay man touches your arm muscles in a homoerotically-flattering / creepy way? So instead of teaching him basic human manners so he can find some muscled gay dude to worship without creeping him out too, you instead decide to run to the press and whine to the world? You don't have to be a social worker for a loser, but heck, it looks like the muscle-groper shy gay dude needs SOMEONE to train him how not to be a creepy-dimwit. Once he gets foisted off on a dominant muscled gay jerk as a willing muscle-worship sex-addict then he'd no longer be your problem or anyone else's problem aside from annoying the muscled-gay jerk bossy-brute."

At some points in our human history, the law enforcement portion of society actually worked on solving human relationship problems so as to keep a good percentage of the stupid humans from being chronic problems in their daily workload.


No, no, no. You have FAILED.
 
2007-11-08 9:39:20 AM  
 
2007-11-08 9:54:27 AM  
Whenever I read a article from the U.K I never understand it.
 
2007-11-08 10:03:34 AM  
Mr Motherfarker said:

Is the standard way to quote

"Blah blah blah blah.

"Blah blah blah blah blah blah"


Only using a closing quotation mark at the very end of the quote also occurs in virtually every article you'll read.

I don't like it, but hey.
 
2007-11-08 10:21:05 AM  
A colon ( : ) in a sentence denotes a list is to follow.

Usually a comma will separate individual items in a list, however, a colon denoting the beginning of a long quote is an incorrect and improper usage.

Do you seriously know how hard it is to use proper grammar after nearly a decade of ignoring the proper rules of grammar for the casually sloppy form of grammar that passes for Internet communication?

http://www.myenglishteacher.net/USINGCOLONS.HTML (pops)

Dot Dot: Using Colons (:)

We have all seen those two ubiquitous dots--the colon. People use them all the time, but are they used correctly? Take a look at the following sentence.

______________For our camping trip, I brought: a lantern, a sleeping bag, food, water, and a flashlight.

Was the colon used correctly here? If you said "yes," then you are probably one of the millions of people who uses the colon INCORRECTLY!

Let's begin with the easy uses. In a formal letter or business letter, a colon is often used.
______________Dear Sir:

____________We were very honored to have you come visit our company.


The second usage is to separate a title and a subtitle. When the title needs a further explanation, a subtitle can be used.
______________Math Applications: Using Calculus to Determine the Age of Rocks.

The most common mistake with colons is when the colon is placed right in the middle of an independent clause (a complete idea or sentence). A colon should be written AFTER an independent clause or complete idea. Take a look at the following example.
______________Every repairman must have: a screwdriver, a hammer, and a saw.

Most people would say this sentence is fine; however, it is incorrect. Look a the part of this sentence BEFORE the colon.
______________Every repairman must have:

Is this a complete idea (independent clause)? NO. Could someone say, "Every repairman must have"? Of course, not. It doesn't make sense and it is meaningless. This is why the colon was not used correctly here.

So, how do you fix it? Just make the part of the sentence before the colon a complete idea. Take a look at the following sentence.
______________There are three things every repairman must have: a screwdriver, a hammer, and a saw.

Is the part of the sentence before the colon a complete idea?
______________There are three things every repairman must have:

Yes! This is a complete idea. Of course, the listener or reader might want to ask what the three things are that every repairman must have, but this is still a complete idea (independent clause (pops)).

The last common misuse of the colon is with quotations. Quotations typically have a comma before it.
______________The football team was tired. The coach said, "We can still win."

For more information about quotations and commas, click here (pops) .

When the quotation adds information or explains the ideas presented in the clause (part of the sentence) before the quotation, a colon is usually better. This usage usually requires that the part of the sentence before the quote be a complete idea (independent clause).
______________After feeling discouraged and behind 25 points in the last basketball championship game, the coach was reminded of something Winston Churchill once said: "Courage is the first of human qualities because it is the quality which guarantees all others."

Now, let's go back to the first sentence above.
______________For our camping trip, I brought: a lantern, a sleeping bag, food, water, and a flashlight.

Do you know what is wrong with it? You're right! The part of the sentence before the the colon is NOT a complete idea (For our camping trip, I brought). This sentence can also be fixed.
______________For our camping trip, I brought various essential items: a lantern, a sleeping bag, food, water, and a flashlight.

// Use your colon wisely. It is tender and deserves gentle lubrication before engaging in any rough foreplay. If necessary, you can use a penis colonic to remove any rough debris within your colon.
 
2007-11-08 10:32:55 AM  
thedogisdead: Mr Motherfarker said:

Is the standard way to quote

"Blah blah blah blah.

"Blah blah blah blah blah blah"

Only using a closing quotation mark at the very end of the quote also occurs in virtually every article you'll read.

I don't like it, but hey.


http://www.sparknotes.com/writing/style/topic_155.html (pops)
Long Dialogue

If one character or person's dialogue goes on for more than one paragraph, it is common to include opening quotation marks before each new paragraph. Only the last paragraph gets closing quotation marks.

________• With a modest smile, Bobby said, "When I first arrived, I dreamed of starring in a Broadway show. And sure enough, I got a great part after just two auditions.

________"Of course, I happen to be stunningly beautiful and unbelievably talented."

// Hmm... I guess they have bowed to the whims of the majority in grammar lately it seems. It still seems rather improper and lazy to forget the end quotes.
 
2007-11-08 10:33:28 AM  
Gridlock: A colon ( : ) in a sentence denotes a list is to follow.

Usually a comma will separate individual items in a list, however, a colon denoting the beginning of a long quote is an incorrect and improper usage.

Do you seriously know how hard it is to use proper grammar after nearly a decade of ignoring the proper rules of grammar for the casually sloppy form of grammar that passes for Internet communication?

http://www.myenglishteacher.net/USINGCOLONS.HTML (pops)

Dot Dot: Using Colons (:)

We have all seen those two ubiquitous dots--the colon. People use them all the time, but are they used correctly? Take a look at the following sentence.

______________For our camping trip, I brought: a lantern, a sleeping bag, food, water, and a flashlight.

Was the colon used correctly here? If you said "yes," then you are probably one of the millions of people who uses the colon INCORRECTLY!

Let's begin with the easy uses. In a formal letter or business letter, a colon is often used.
______________Dear Sir:

____________We were very honored to have you come visit our company.

The second usage is to separate a title and a subtitle. When the title needs a further explanation, a subtitle can be used.
______________Math Applications: Using Calculus to Determine the Age of Rocks.

The most common mistake with colons is when the colon is placed right in the middle of an independent clause (a complete idea or sentence). A colon should be written AFTER an independent clause or complete idea. Take a look at the following example.
______________Every repairman must have: a screwdriver, a hammer, and a saw.

Most people would say this sentence is fine; however, it is incorrect. Look a the part of this sentence BEFORE the colon.
______________Every repairman must have:

Is this a complete idea (independent clause)? NO. Could someone say, "Every repairman must have"? Of course, not. It doesn't make sense and it is meaningless. This is why the colon was not used correctly here.

So, how do you fix it? Just make the part of the sentence before the colon a complete idea. Take a look at the following sentence.
______________There are three things every repairman must have: a screwdriver, a hammer, and a saw.

Is the part of the sentence before the colon a complete idea?
______________There are three things every repairman must have:

Yes! This is a complete idea. Of course, the listener or reader might want to ask what the three things are that every repairman must have, but this is still a complete idea (independent clause (pops)).

The last common misuse of the colon is with quotations. Quotations typically have a comma before it.
______________The football team was tired. The coach said, "We can still win."

For more information about quotations and commas, click here (pops) .

When the quotation adds information or explains the ideas presented in the clause (part of the sentence) before the quotation, a colon is usually better. This usage usually requires that the part of the sentence before the quote be a complete idea (independent clause).
______________After feeling discouraged and behind 25 points in the last basketball championship game, the coach was reminded of something Winston Churchill once said: "Courage is the first of human qualities because it is the quality which guarantees all others."

Now, let's go back to the first sentence above.
______________For our camping trip, I brought: a lantern, a sleeping bag, food, water, and a flashlight.

Do you know what is wrong with it? You're right! The part of the sentence before the the colon is NOT a complete idea (For our camping trip, I brought). This sentence can also be fixed.
______________For our camping trip, I brought various essential items: a lantern, a sleeping bag, food, water, and a flashlight.

// Use your colon wisely. It is tender and deserves gentle lubrication before engaging in any rough foreplay. If necessary, you can use a penis colonic to remove any rough debris within your colon.


TSK! My silly mistake, then. Mine and the entire British press. Will you call them and tell them the convention they use every day is wrong?
 
2007-11-08 10:54:24 AM  
thedogisdead: TSK! My silly mistake, then. Mine and the entire British press. Will you call them and tell them the convention they use every day is wrong?

It is not my task to tell the people who invented the English language (who then enmass promptly forgot the entirety of the rules of using it) how to embrace the rules of concisely accurately projecting a thought to another human being by text.

http://www.sparknotes.com/writing/style/topic_155.html (pops)
Longish quotations are often introduced by a colon.

• Benjamin Franklin offers witty advice on how to ferret out a woman's faults: "I am about courting a girl I have had but little acquaintance with. How shall I come to a knowledge of her faults, and whether she has the virtues I imagine she has? Answer. Commend her among her female acquaintance."

Long Quotations


Long quotations are usually set off (started on a new line, indented, sometimes set in a smaller or different font than the regular text, and sometimes spaced closer between lines than the regular text). Long quotations may also be run in (enclosed in quotation marks and formatted as part of the regular text, as short quotations are).

Quotations longer than one hundred words should be set off; so should poetry and quotations that are longer than one paragraph.

// Embrace your inner Grammar Nazi. We are the superior writers of dialog. We must bash the disjointed forms of paragraph composition so that we, the Masters of the Subordinate Clauses, rise to our rightful place above the inferior syntax.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sentence_diagram (pops)
 
2007-11-08 11:01:22 AM  
Consider your dedication admired.
 
2007-11-08 11:02:46 AM  
captivity: let me just say that if this was done by a young white chick, no guy would be complaining...

Of course not. Men love being idolized for their big strong arms. By women, mostly.

/white chick
//bicep molester
 
2007-11-08 12:09:13 PM  
[image from content.answers.com too old to be available]

Does that look purple to you?

/obscure?
//probably not
 
2007-11-08 3:10:09 PM  
Gridlock:

// Use your colon wisely. It is tender and deserves gentle lubrication before engaging in any rough foreplay. If necessary, you can use a penis colonic to remove any rough debris within your colon.


You just stay away from other people's colons, you perv.


/you have colon on the brain
 
2007-11-08 10:33:40 PM  
If they continue to be a "no respect for your personal space" jerk, then feel free to push them or yell at them. If it escalates, a reality-waking punch or two in their direction should make them realize their attentions are not being appreciated.

So straight males should get into fist fights to avoid hurting the feelings of some homo due to Homsexual Panic?
 
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