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(Some Guy)   Eleven of the 2,324 possible Texas felonies can only be committed with an oyster. None of those require sex-offender registration   (gritsforbreakfast.blogspot.com) divider line
    More: Amusing  
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13810 clicks; posted to Main » on 17 Aug 2007 at 12:22 PM (13 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook



81 Comments     (+0 »)


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2007-08-17 8:57:14 AM  
I can't think of any with an oyster.

/Bearded clam, is another story.
 
2007-08-17 9:18:22 AM  
The only reason they don't have 11 felonies that can only be committed with a stapler is that I've never been to Texas.

I bet we could get that list up to 2,500 if we start taping fark parties.
 
2007-08-17 9:25:45 AM  
"He....he put it into my slot"

[image from musu.mdx.ac.uk too old to be available]
 
2007-08-17 9:37:20 AM  
This has opened up an entire new world for me.
 
2007-08-17 9:44:34 AM  
Do all those carry the death penalty? Because it's got to be hard to find oysters in Texas, and wasting them like that is really a sin.
 
2007-08-17 10:37:05 AM  
Eleven of the 2,324 possible Texas felonies can only be committed with an oyster. None of those require sex offender registration

That sounds like a challenge.
 
2007-08-17 10:38:20 AM  
img258.imageshack.usView Full Size

Unavailable for comment.

/There were only eight felonies at common law in medieval England - robbery, burglary, rape, sodomy, kidnapping, arson, murder and treason
//they were all punishable by death
///we've come a long way, baby
 
2007-08-17 10:41:22 AM  
OlafTheBent: I can't think of any with an oyster.

/Bearded clam, is another story.


Thunder stealer.
 
2007-08-17 12:24:00 PM  
oyster sodomy is not a crime and does not require sex offender registration?

SWEET
 
2007-08-17 12:25:47 PM  
Well shiat, there go my weekend plans ...
 
2007-08-17 12:26:02 PM  
I bet you could stab someone with an oyster, those things can be sharp.
 
2007-08-17 12:26:05 PM  
farm2.static.flickr.com

Oyster fights?
 
2007-08-17 12:26:18 PM  
I hate when lawmakers make laws for things that would already be illegal.
 
2007-08-17 12:26:46 PM  
Oyster: "Come get the pearl in sodomy."
 
2007-08-17 12:27:15 PM  
Oyster in the anus?
 
2007-08-17 12:27:56 PM  
but unlicensed delivery
of grain and depositing grain without a title are ranked as medium severity, higher than attempted
indecency with a child, three or more convictions for driving while intoxicated and smuggling illegal
immigrants.
 
2007-08-17 12:29:18 PM  
Texass needs to be nuked, and any survivors need to be shot.

God I hate Texass.
 
2007-08-17 12:30:25 PM  
[image from i26.photobucket.com too old to be available]
oyster shots could lead to felonies, or vomitting
 
2007-08-17 12:30:40 PM  
I don't know what nationality they are... I like to think oysters transcend national barriers.

/obscure?
 
2007-08-17 12:31:05 PM  
[image from landbigfish.com too old to be available]
Jimmy Page not impressed.
 
2007-08-17 12:31:36 PM  
ItchyMcknobster: Texass needs to be nuked, and any survivors need to be shot.

You just come down here and try it, buddy. I'm wearing a vest of bulletproof oysters.

/Seriously, what did Texas ever do to you?
//No playing the Bush card, Floridian.
 
2007-08-17 12:32:37 PM  
"Pointed stick? Oh, oh, oh. We want to learn how to defend ourselves against pointed sticks, do we? Getting all high and mighty, eh? Oyster's not good enough for you eh? Well I'll tell you something my lad. When you're walking home tonight and some homicidal maniac comes after you with a Po Boy dish, don't come crying to me! Now, the Kumomoto Oyster dish ..."
 
2007-08-17 12:33:24 PM  
Encouraging oysters to vote Democrat?
 
2007-08-17 12:33:57 PM  
I was just in Texas a few weeks ago. Thought it was a cool place. Lots of hot women there!
 
2007-08-17 12:34:12 PM  
PSA

enchantedlearning.comView Full Size
 
2007-08-17 12:38:26 PM  
Onkel Buck: I want one of those, RIGHT NOW! how do I make one?
 
2007-08-17 12:39:25 PM  
Pick: I was just in Texas a few weeks ago. Thought it was a cool place. Lots of hot women there!

Agreed, Texas women are amazing ... I love living in Austin.
 
2007-08-17 12:39:41 PM  
Pick: I was just in Texas a few weeks ago. Thought it was a cool place. Lots of hot women there!

Supposedly, the greatest concentration of American beautiful people is in Texas, I think it's Austin or San Antonio. The explanation is that pretty people settled there and kept reproducing. I need to go see it for myself
 
2007-08-17 12:39:49 PM  
While all of the ones listed by the Boobieser on TFA page make at least some sense as crimes, why are they felonies? They all seem pretty small-time to me (unless you have millions of bucks worth of unlicensed bivalves).
 
HBK
2007-08-17 12:39:53 PM  
Pick: I was just in Texas a few weeks ago. Thought it was a cool place. Lots of hot women there!

Yes, we attract warm climate women. Compare ours to Cleveland, New York, or Chicago. Texas has the highest HPC (Hittability Per Capita). Especially Austin.
 
2007-08-17 12:40:06 PM  
[image from i173.photobucket.com too old to be available]
 
2007-08-17 12:40:27 PM  
Roger Wilco:/Seriously, what did Texas ever do to you?

This:

aramnaharaim.orgView Full Size
 
2007-08-17 12:40:30 PM  
ItchyMcknobster: Texass needs to be nuked, and any survivors need to be shot.

God I hate Texass.


ZOMGODZORZ!! You spelled Texas with TWO S's! What a completely original idea!

/twatnozzle
 
HBK
2007-08-17 12:41:30 PM  
Speaking of Austin, I've noticed a lot of Austin Farkers, do we ever have Austin Fark parties?
 
2007-08-17 12:42:39 PM  
HBK: Speaking of Austin, I've noticed a lot of Austin Farkers, do we ever have Austin Fark parties?

I think there was one a while back, but everybody just got stoned and forgot and went to Mangia instead.

Or something
 
2007-08-17 12:44:11 PM  
Remember kids

That is 2300 ways to be denied the right to bear arms, the right to vote, hold office, to be doctor, lawyer etc.

2300 ways to be denied a job, loan, application etc for the rest of your life.

2300 ways to invite harassment from law enforcement when they see that you are a convicted felon.

Hooray for everything being a felony.

I love making second class citizens.
 
2007-08-17 12:48:12 PM  
jshine

If you're going to post NSFW images on fark, link them.
 
2007-08-17 12:48:51 PM  
///we've come a long way, baby

ONE FOOT ON THE MOON, ONE FOOT IN THE CAVE
 
2007-08-17 12:50:09 PM  
studebaker hoch:If you're going to post NSFW images on fark, link them.

Sorry, my bad.
 
2007-08-17 12:50:53 PM  
There outta be a law!
 
2007-08-17 12:52:26 PM  
I ate 12 oysters last night. Only 7 worked.
 
2007-08-17 12:53:43 PM  
Speaking of mollusks and felonious behavior...from Monty Python:

The randiest of the gastropods is the limpet. This hot-blooded little beast with its tent-like shell is always on the job. Its extra-marital activities are something startling. Frankly I don't know how the female limpet finds the time to adhere to the rock-face.
***
Another loose-living gastropod is the periwinkle. This shameless little libertine with its characteristic ventral locomotion ... is not the marrying kind: 'Anywhere anytime' is its motto. Up with the shell and they're at it.
***
The great scallop ... this tatty, scrofulous old rapist, is second in depravity only to the common clam. This latter is a right whore, a harlot, a trollop, a cynical bed-hopping firm-breasted Rabelaisian bit of sea food that makes Fanny Hill look like a dead Pope... and finally among the lamellibranch bivalves, that most depraved of the whole sub-species - the whelk. The whelk is nothing but a homosexual of the worst kind. This gay boy of the gastropods, this queer crustacean, this mincing mollusc, this screaming, prancing, limp-wristed queen of the deep makes me sick.
 
2007-08-17 12:54:38 PM  
HBK: Speaking of Austin, I've noticed a lot of Austin Farkers, do we ever have Austin Fark parties?

Yeah, there was one after Drew's book signing in May, but I was out of town that weekend. :(
 
2007-08-17 12:56:08 PM  
Oysters, you say?

img504.imageshack.usView Full Size
 
2007-08-17 12:58:00 PM  
skinink: "Pointed stick? Oh, oh, oh. We want to learn how to defend ourselves against pointed sticks, do we? Getting all high and mighty, eh? Oyster's not good enough for you eh? Well I'll tell you something my lad. When you're walking home tonight and some homicidal maniac comes after you with a Po Boy dish, don't come crying to me! Now, the Kumomoto Oyster dish ..."

Excellent. Paraphrasing Monty Python ALWAYS raises the quality of a thread...the more obscure the better.

Kudos Skinink
 
2007-08-17 12:59:15 PM  
jshine: Roger Wilco:/Seriously, what did Texas ever do to you?

This:


Don't forget that he's from Connecticut.
 
2007-08-17 1:02:18 PM  
dreaddydave:Don't forget that he's from Connecticut.

Maybe so, but Texas gave him the Governor's office, without which he wouldn't have been qualified to run for President. Texas may not be exclusively responsible, but they share in the shame that is Bush.
 
2007-08-17 1:02:24 PM  
I grew up in Texas, moved away for 10 years or so, then moved back. I hardly recognize it! Laws about everything, nanny state controls everywhere, you can't hardly buy a house without dealing with a HOA and toll roads... What happened to that good ol' Texas independent spirit!?! When I grew up, the appropriate response to some officious twerp coming by to tell you that the tree planted in your yard "wasn't the right kind" was to wave a shotgun at them and say "get off my property!!!"

I blame the prosecutors. There have always been stupid laws on the books - people make money by publishing humor books along those lines, like "it's illegal to have a donkey in a bathtub" and the like. But for some reason, the prosecutors are willing to overtax our budgets and prisons by pursuing the most ridiculous cases, like the helicopter-hunting-in-Russia case.
 
2007-08-17 1:04:26 PM  
This dude is a yankee:
img258.imageshack.usView Full Size
 
2007-08-17 1:04:51 PM  
bottsicus: Onkel Buck: I want one of those, RIGHT NOW! how do I make one?

I was going to post a recipe, but didnt want to stir up a bunch of bartenders(no pun intended). There are a lot of different ways to make one, just do a search until find something that will appeal to your taste.
 
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