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(Chick)   Noah's Ark is real. Communists covered it up.   ( divider line
    More: Amusing  
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2254 clicks; posted to Main » on 08 Jul 2001 at 9:40 AM (16 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

43 Comments     (+0 »)
2001-07-08 10:05:45 AM  
Well, that proves it. The commies did it.
2001-07-08 10:16:45 AM  
So Noah danced the Locomotion as he measured the 300 cubit length. All the animals liked the Locomotion cause it had a good beat and they could dance to it, even the dinasaurs he loaded on that bigass boat. Of course all the naysayers of Biblical times used commonday slang to call Noah names, even telling him to "Shut up"...blasphemy abounds. It rained and killed all the landlubbers. And now the gene pool was a mere pothole in the road. Noah and his family had incestious relations with each other and the animals. They crashed that bigass boat on top of a mountain range in the undiscovered Americas near a peak called Mt Ararat, in an area now known as Arkansas. The Russian double agents found the bigass boat, but were caught by a couple of Arkansas hunters, who forced those non-commie bastards to squeal like a pig. Then the FBI got involved and lost all the files related to that bigass boat. Thanks for coming to Sunday school, remember to leave some cash so Uncle Justybugs can stop by the liquor store on the way to Sunday dinner.
2001-07-08 10:39:21 AM  
Mmmhm...and the Nazis were behind a massive plan to clone Hitler's feet to wipe out any last Jews. Please Chick, we aren't fools!
2001-07-08 10:56:08 AM  
Where the hell did he get "billions would die," from? Last time I read that fairy tale book, it merely stated "many will die," giving no exact number. I say we all make our doomsday bombs now, and begin construction on fallout shelters. Or we could always just start killing each other, robbing, etc., since we are already dead.

Chick is one freaky space pony, baby
2001-07-08 11:09:00 AM  
that one scene where all the animals are loaded on the ark remind of a scene in Fantasia 2000 in which a dragon, unicorn, and griffen laugh at Noah.....

Commies covered up the ark! what will jack chick think up next?
2001-07-08 11:20:35 AM  
Ah, Jack Chick. How I do enjoy your tales. They bring such a smile to my face and cause me to laugh.
2001-07-08 11:22:54 AM  
Dang it, if it's not Satan telling me the egg came before the chicken, it's a buncha commies keeping ark info from me.

I'm Baptist, but this Chick guy disturbs me. Maybe he'll calm down and start drawing Snoopy or something fun like that.
2001-07-08 12:04:57 PM  
but wait a minute, the communists didn't seize power immediately after the Czar was overthrown. There was a power struggle for nearly three years. This little boy scout hike up the mountain couldn't have lasted three years.
2001-07-08 12:40:09 PM  
Chick also can't explain how they were able to escape getting captured killed by the Ottoman Turks since mt. Ararat is in Turkey
2001-07-08 12:54:14 PM  
Maybe they froze on the way, but thawed out three years later? or maybe the bolsheviks passed on the ABSOLUTE TRUTH OF GOD to the communists? Ah... such a confusing picture he paints...
2001-07-08 01:01:01 PM  
Were all the animals on the ark vegetarian? I mean, what the hell did they *eat*??
2001-07-08 01:03:51 PM  
Probably fished up bloated bodies out of the water to feed the meat eaters... yum!
2001-07-08 01:15:16 PM  
What about bugs, did he bring all of them along? I must be missing something because I don't see how the bible can neglect to mention the bugs
2001-07-08 01:19:38 PM  
JustyBugs. I laugh at your post for I find it amuses me with it's sharp-edged yet salient comments. Ha....wait here it comes....ha ha...hold on....ha ha ha we go..ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
2001-07-08 01:48:47 PM  
Two chick posts are to much insanity for one day. One's mind can only process so much BS.
2001-07-08 01:52:49 PM  
Ya gotta admit that he can draw pretty damn good.
2001-07-08 02:08:59 PM  
Hey anybody read the goof lists on the internet movie database?

Here's one:

NOAH'S ARK (3626 B.C.)

Directed by

Writing Credits

Tagline: God rained his wrath upon the Earth and killed every living thing...except one man and his ark.


FACTUAL ERRORS: It was said that mankind is totally corrupted by violence, which angered God, yet God himself is fueled by violence and anger.

PLOT HOLES: God is fed up by mankind's corruption and all the violence, yet later in the story he uses extraordinary violence to rid himself of this problem, and later promises even more violence to be rained upon the Earth.

PLOT HOLES: God only trusts Noah, who is a drunk and will have incestual relations with his family. God would not trust a person like this...or would he?

CONTINUITY: The ark is 450 feet long when it is build, yet when the communists discover it, it is 500 feet long.

PLOT HOLES: It is said that people came from around the world to laugh at the ark, yet it was mankind's single greatest achievment at the time, and even more spectacular was that it was built by only one man.

FACTUAL ERRORS: The hydrological cycle and all it's basics are completly ignored throughout the entire story.

FACTUAL ERRORS: Only Yoda lived to be 969 years of age.

PLOT HOLES: Two of every animal species on the planet is contained within a wooden ship that is 450 feet long, as well as food and supplies for 40 days and 40 nights.

PLOT HOLES: The crowd of sinners become very scared when it begins to rain and thunder. Apparently, there were no storms prior to this.

PLOT HOLES: The entire Earth is submerged in water after only raining for 40 days and nights.

FACTUAL ERRORS: Where did all that water come from? There was no evidence of storm activity before this event.

FACTUAL ERRORS: Where did all the water go once the storm ended? If even a few feet of it evaporated, the entire atmosphere would be completly saturated.

FACTUAL ERRORS: It is stated that every living thing on the Earth died, yet many diverse lifeforms survive underwater, including fish, whales, and various undersea creatures.

PLOT HOLES: The communist seems very excited after hearing that story. This doesn't make much sense considering how many times it's been told.

CONTINUITY: Jesus exclaims that God will bring about his wrath and kill billions of people, yet as it is stated in the fairy tale "THE HOLY BIBLE", some of which this story is based on, it exclaims only "many" would be killed, not billions.

FACTUAL ERRORS: The entire story compeltly ignores various scientific laws, facts, as well as history and various other things.

God, I have way to much time on my hands.
2001-07-08 02:54:26 PM  
I love Jack Chick's comics.

In his attempt to thwart my evil path of trajectory,
he almost always (in every single comic) manages to slip in something cute (such as the drowning arms, holding an infant above the water) that refreshes the clarity on why it is I don't walk with God anymore.

Sure, I can see if the adults are sinners...but the infants? Why punish them?

Don't make no sense, chicky.
2001-07-08 03:05:37 PM  
[image from too old to be available]

Wait a sec.. why is this pre-World War 1 soldier telling cubit width in terms of World War 2 battleships? Plot holes, plot holes ABOUND
2001-07-08 03:06:49 PM  
I tried to submit another Chick tract last night, called "Roman Catholics are not really Christians". Hilarity
2001-07-08 03:11:05 PM  
someone asked what the animals ate. well, penguin can add this to his list.

noah took two of every unclean animal and seven of every clean animal. I can't remember how clean and unclean were defined, but basically, clean was herd animals that can be used for food and unclean was carnivores and stuff.
2001-07-08 03:11:10 PM  
Penguin: umm... uh... 'Cause God said so!
2001-07-08 03:14:11 PM  
[image from too old to be available]
Anyone else think this panel was damn hilarious?

[image from too old to be available]
Ya gotta admit, the Chick can draw.
2001-07-08 03:14:40 PM  
Oh, and I meant the one on the right.
2001-07-08 04:25:34 PM  
Look - Brontosauri...
[image from too old to be available]

And I love the young-Earth-creationist weaseling about taking two of every "sort" of animal.
2001-07-08 05:43:45 PM  
So if it's only lightly misted but never rained before on Earth, how did Mr. Gaspy know it's raining? Did he just invent the word to fit the scenario?

"Awww Boogers, we're all gonna die, let's make up words to pass the time."
2001-07-08 05:43:57 PM  
Yeah that's hilarious since that's what the Bible says... Actually, I think the word "kind" is used. But it doesn't say "Take two of every animal."
2001-07-08 06:19:24 PM  
Let me get this straight...Noah took two of every unclean animal, and seven of every clean animal? Boy, must have been one hell of a big 300-cubit-long ship.

Penguin out.
2001-07-08 06:37:10 PM  
i'm just sayin' what it says in the bible. i think it's all a bunch of malarky. they just stole the story from the epic of gilgamesh.
2001-07-08 06:42:41 PM  
Gilgamesh could have said that because it HAPPENED IN REAL LIFE. You ever think that?

As for Russia, the Communists took St. Petersberg around 1918 and Moscow a bit later.
2001-07-08 08:09:49 PM  
most importantly, did france surrender?
2001-07-08 09:15:31 PM  
Despite our opinions about Jack Chick, something to note. I have heard that an expedition was launched around the time of the First World War by the Russians to Ararat. What they found is anybody's guess, though. If they did find anything, the Bolsheviks probably destroyed anything gathered on it, as well as countless other documents on any number of topics. But that assumes they found anything of note, which they may have not. One must remember that there were two wars in Russia, the 1917 revolt and the civil war that followed. If you are an archival document, your chances of survival are not good. To answer the question about how the Russians got into Turkey, one must note that this was the site of one of the fronts of WW I. Ararat, I think, is also very close to Armenia. If it was part of the Russian Empire then, I don't know.

Bottom line. Chick stories aside, I have heard this one elsewhere, but like I said, I don't know what they found up there. Interesting to note, Jewish historian Flavius Josephus mentions that people visited the ark or something like it around Ararat (circa 1st century A.D.). If anyone wants to know where, I will try and look it up, as I have his works. However, the text in Hebrew clearly states the ark landed in the "MOUNTAINS of Ararat." Since the whole area is rather full of mountains, it that leaves a pretty broad area.

I find more intresting myself the story of the Nazi 1938 expedition to the Antarctic; they claimed land as "Neuschwabenland." I thought I read somewhere that no photos remained of this. You can see the evidence of this on your circa 1990s National Geographic world map. It is written under "Queen Maud Land."
2001-07-08 09:56:34 PM  
Why doesn't Chick just kill himself and get to heaven?
2001-07-08 11:54:03 PM  
ocdoc: suicides don't go to heaven. they get tossed into hell like the other sinners.

kaiser: i would be sort of interested. don't put yourself out or anything. didn't some crazy american (i think it was either a millionaire or an astronaut. maybe both.) try to find the ark on mount ararat in the late eighties? wasn't it not particularly successful?
2001-07-09 12:17:32 AM  
Meat: I am not sure of the story that you heard about. But I saw something on the History Channel where some guy was trying to get the National Security Agency to admitt that some kind of object was spotted on satillite photos of Ararat.
2001-07-09 01:51:40 AM  
I thought I would point out one thing to the people who completely object the flood. There actually was a massive flood that took place a long ass time ago. It flooded the mesopatamia (spell check?) area, which was the known world at the time, so the bible is not entirely lying on that story. Zeus did the same damn thing too, only the world was not repopulated by insest. They were made from rocks and sticks.
2001-07-09 03:01:07 AM  
Yes, as with most of what the Bible says, it is so at odds with reality as to be completely farking hilarious.

Anyways, as used by y-E-c's, "sort" is a weasely way of getting around the objection raised above by Penguin, that there isn't enough space on a 450-foot-long ark for every animal. According to their theory, once each "sort" was back on dry land, they underwent a brief period of exceedingly rapid evolution(!) to create all the different species we see today.

Meanwhile, I'm still waiting for an ark-believer to explain how all the Koalas got from Turkey to Australia.

As for the origin of flood-legends, isn't it interesting that most early civilizations sprang up on and around the flood plains of major rivers (Tigris/Euphrates, Nile, Yellow, Indus, etc.)?
2001-07-09 03:03:34 AM  
Jack Chick needs an emema--quickly! His story has more holes than a box of Froot Loops.

But at least there were two uses of his trademark "HAW HAW!"
2001-07-09 09:20:16 AM  
Had Trotsky known of the arks' existence we in the free world would have been clued in already. Trotsky fled the currupted communist russia to live in U.S.A. for the rest of his life.
2001-07-09 09:26:52 AM  
I did not know that Trotsky lived in the U.S. I am aware that Stalin had him assasinated in 1938 in Mexico. He was attacked with a miner's pick axe, and died several days afterwards.
2001-07-09 05:25:43 PM  
What is perhaps more interesting is that a flood story/saga exists in virtually every major ancient culture, ALL over the world.
2001-07-09 05:48:05 PM  
Someone mentioned the food supply on the ark in a post above... Noah had to have a full year's worth of food... not 40 days. It rained for 40 days and 40 nights but Noah didn't hit land for a full year.

At least that's how the fairy tale goes...
2001-07-09 07:28:28 PM  
Or least one fairy's tail. HAHAHAHAHA! Arguing over an ark when I am plotting your sure and sorry course to HELL! You are all going, so pray for a seat so you don't have to stand! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
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