"The Censure of the Parliament Fart" (~ 1604)

"Never was bestowed such art
Upon the tuning of a Fart."

Downe came grave auntient Sir John Crooke
And redd his message in his booke.
Fearie well, Quoth Sir William Morris, Soe:
But Henry Ludlowes Tayle cry'd Noe.

Up starts one fuller of devotion
Then Eloquence; and said a very ill motion
Not soe neither quoth Sir Henry Jenkin
The Motion was good; but for the stincking

Well quoth Sir Henry Poole it was a bold tricke
To Fart in the nose of the bodie pollitique
Indeed I must confesse quoth Sir Edward Grevill
The matter of it selfe was somewhat uncivill

Thanke God quoth Sir Edward Hungerford
That this Fart proved not a Turdd
Quoth Sir Jerome the lesse there was noe such abuse
Ever offer'd in Poland, or Spruce

Quoth Sir Jerome in folio, I sweare by the Masse
This Fart was enough to have brooke all my Glasse
Indeed quoth Sir John Trevor it gave a fowle knocke
As it lanched forth from his stincking Docke.

I (quoth another) it once soe chanced
That a great Man farted as hee danced.
Well then, quoth Sir William Lower
This fart is noe Ordinance fitt for the Tower.
Quoth Sir Richard Houghton noe Justice of Quorum
But would take it in snuffe to have a fart lett before him.

If it would beare an action quoth Sir Thomas Holcrofte
I would make of this fart a bolt, or a shafte.
Quoth Sir Walter Cope 'twas a fart rarely lett
I would 'tweere sweet enough for my Cabinett.

Such a Fart was never seene
Quoth the Learned Councell of the Queene.
Noe (quoth Mr Pecke I have a President in store
That his Father farted the Session before

Nay then quoth Noy 'twas lawfully done
For this fart was entail'd from father to sonne
Quoth Mr Recorder a word for the cittie
To cutt of the aldermens right weere great pittie.

Well quoth Kitt Brookes wee give you a reason
Though he has right by discent he had not livery & seizin
Ha ha quoth Mr Evans I smell a fee
I'ts a private motion heere's something for mee

Well saith Mr Moore letts this motion repeale
Whats good for the private is oft ill for comonweale
A good yeare on this fart, quoth gentle Sir Harry
He has caus'd such an Earthquake that my colepitts miscarry

'Tis hard to recall a fart when its out
Quoth with a loude shoote

Upon a Fart (1704)
(anonymous, mistakenly attributed to William Byrd)

Gentlest Blast of all Concoction,
Reverse of high ascending Belch,
The only Stink abhor'd by Scotch-men,
Belov'd and practis'd by the Welch.

Softest Note of inward Griping,
Sir Reverence's finest Part:
So fine it needs no pains of wiping,
Except it be a Brewer's Fart.

Swiftest Ease of Cholick Pains,
Vapour from a Secret Stench,
That's rattled by the unbred Swains,
But whisper'd by the Bashful Wench.

Shapeless Fart!, we we'er can shew thee,
But in that noble Female Sport;
In which by burning Blue we know thee,
Th'Amusement of the Maids at Court.