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(Washington Times)   New scam: squirrel-proofing a home. Now here's something we thought you'd really like   ( divider line
    More: Amusing  
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9738 clicks; posted to Main » on 10 Oct 2006 at 9:29 AM (11 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

77 Comments     (+0 »)

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2006-10-10 08:39:42 AM  
As long as a sexy voiced Natasha comes by to do the installation I'm down for this scam.
2006-10-10 08:47:26 AM  
That trick never works.
2006-10-10 09:06:48 AM  
If someone came to my house and told me he saw a squirrel in the vent stack, I'd say "hold on," then come out with a .22 rifle asking him where the little motherfarker is.
2006-10-10 09:09:22 AM  
If someone came to my house and told me he saw a squirrel in the vent stack, I'd ask if it had big balls.

Won't someone think of the large-sacked squirrels?
2006-10-10 09:13:53 AM  
What about moose-proofing it?

Møøse bites can be pretti nasti....
2006-10-10 09:31:50 AM  
2006-10-10 09:32:35 AM  
A squirrel gnawed through the hand-made wood lattice work in my attic. Repairs are going to be about $1K. Squirrel proofing is real.
2006-10-10 09:32:52 AM  
I bet it's the same one!
2006-10-10 09:33:15 AM  
Here's how you squirrel proof a home:

1. Get Squirrel feeder
2. Get .22
3. Sit and wait
4. Profit

2006-10-10 09:33:27 AM  
Plumbing vent? heh, it'd never get out, unless it came out the toilet.

/There's a joke in there somewhere.
2006-10-10 09:34:05 AM  
These are not the squirrels you are looking for.

[image from too old to be available]
2006-10-10 09:34:07 AM  
Just roll up my sleeve...PRESTO! Must've got the wrong hat...
2006-10-10 09:35:27 AM  
2006-10-10 09:35:58 AM  
'Nuff said!

[image from too old to be available]
2006-10-10 09:36:23 AM  
I've had squirrels eat through my cedar boards to get into the attic. Used to shoot em and toss them in the trash until KC passed a lay against killing, hurting, and even trapping the little buggers.

/hates rats with bushy tails.
2006-10-10 09:37:09 AM  
They also passed a "LAW"
2006-10-10 09:44:04 AM  
Lots of people in my area have problems with squirrels, too. I don't. I built a couple of squirrel boxes and placed them around the property, and the squirrels moved into the squirrel boxes and leave my attic alone. Given that squirrels will exist in a certain density/hectare in any event, I simply accomodated their lodging needs. They are happy and leave my house alone.

Of course, if I was a real smart American kind uh feller, I'd sit there with a .22 long rifle and shoot the little bastards, and with each one killed, a niche in the ecosystem would be opened to be quickly filled by yet another sqirrel. Yep. That'd be the smart thing to do, by golly. Then I'd get in mah BIG TRUCK and scratch mah balls and spit 'backy juice out the winnder. Huh-huh.
2006-10-10 09:46:57 AM  
[image from too old to be available]

Hey, WhatsamattaU?
2006-10-10 09:47:07 AM  
someone say Moose-proof?

[image from too old to be available]
2006-10-10 09:49:51 AM  
Great headline, smitty!

[image from too old to be available]
2006-10-10 09:50:50 AM  
bbug2k you have my enduring respect and admiration. Truely.

/poopoo to you fools who know not of Moose
2006-10-10 09:52:33 AM  
My old house had wood shake siding. Here's my squirrel story.

I could hear scratching and noises coming from above the master bedroom. My first thought was, great, we have bats. Well... as the man of the house, it was my job to take a look at the attic.

Gathering up all of my courage, I decided to check things out. My first task was to move box after box after box of items I haven't used in years as to get to the source of the noise. Of course, my dog, the curious one that he is, decides to try and help. Sniffing it out, he discovers that the rodents who have made my attic their new home have used the summer clothes to make a next for... yes, you guessed it, newborn squirrels.

What a sight! Blind, bald and the ugliest little things you ever want to see. No squirrel mother anywhere to be found. My next bright idea was to try an "relocate" the squirrels elsewhere. As I got closer to the baby squirrels, the more noise they made. Of course, momma squirrel decides to show her face, and she was NOT happy. Consider my "attic" was nothing more than a crawl space, and the face-off between me on my hands and knees, and a pissed off momma squirrel was nothing less than a Kodak moment.

Momma Squirrel is making all sorts of noises, frankly, scaring the shiat out of me. I did what every other man in the position would do... I started barking at the squirrel. (my dog has already hightailed it out of there, the coward) It was a Mexican standoff... Neither me nor the squirrel were going anyplace. I slowly crawled back and decided I didn't want to go through a round of rabies shots. Squirrel 1, Me 0. I will have to go back to the drawing board to rid me of this rat with the furry tail.

Fast forward to the have-a-heart trap. I know I could outsmart the squirrel with this. Just a bit of peanut butter in the trap, and BAM, she's trapped in there for transport to somewhere *other* than my house. Oh, but to find out that Momma Squirrel was smarter than I thought. She's taken the peanut butter, the trap is still set and the hole that was patched in the wood shake has been eaten through again.

After several days, and a few cups of peanut butter, I being to worry that I've created a free buffet for all of the local varmint population. As I wake up in the morning, I dread going up to the attic to be disappointed again. Crawling closer to the trap, I realize that I may have had success this time! YES! There is one pissed off squirrel inside the trap.

I gently remove the ugly-arsed squirrel babies from their new home and put them in a box. Let's face it, there was no way I was going to open the trap to let momma squirrel attempt a getaway. The babies are screeching, momma squirrel is carrying on, the dog is going crazy, it's just another normal day in my house. (did I mention that the cats were just as useless?)
2006-10-10 09:54:53 AM  
I really hate squirrels and not really for any good reason. The only reason I let them live on my property is for fresh meat when the bird flu comes. I would trade each one of them for a giant squirrel eating snake, and I don't much like snakes either.

I did love the headline though.
2006-10-10 09:56:26 AM  

I don't drive a "BIG TRUCK", actually it's a little honda, but do you have any suggestions on squirrel lodges.. brands, sizes, etc?
2006-10-10 09:59:37 AM  
Lots of people in my area have problems with squirrels, too. I don't. I built a couple of squirrel boxes and placed them around the property, and the squirrels moved into the squirrel boxes and leave my attic alone. Given that squirrels will exist in a certain density/hectare in any event, I simply accomodated their lodging needs. They are happy and leave my house alone.

Nice try, but squirrels don't always gnaw through your soffit to build a nest in your attic. Sometimes it is to just to cache food. So.... building a squirrel house in your yard just invites them to live right near your house and use it as a pantry. And when you build your mini-squirrel condo in your yard to 'accomodate thier lodging needs' you now provided the opportunity to increase thier numbers. Once your fuzzy squirrel family gives birth you now have a half dozen who are seeking more condo's and now they just might set up lodging in one of your houses orifices. In July the second litter of furries is ready to be born and now they need more space.... better just buy a .22, scooter.
2006-10-10 10:02:34 AM  
Funny thing... I'm dealing with this now. There's a hole at the corner of the roof, up under the eaves (and above my side of the bed!) The little bastards get in there and have a little squirrelfest™ in the attic. I covered the hole this weekend with a piece of 1x4 attached with 3" drywall screws, but they've currently launched a campaign to knaw their way through it. I live in a historic urban neighborhood, so my Ruger 10/22 isn't really an option. I'm think mousetraps in the gutters...
2006-10-10 10:03:34 AM  
In Hell, there are going to be plenty of people lined up to cap this guy's squirrel hole. What a crooked bastard!
2006-10-10 10:04:56 AM  
Has anyone ever eaten squirrel? My girlfriend's a vegetarian, but when she was a kid, her grandpa used to kill and cook squirrels up for dinner. She said it was really tasty meat, and that if she were offered squirrel meat today, she would probably go ahead and eat it, despite her was that good! So, now I kind of want to try it. Anyone have any good recipes? I just keep thinking of the scene in O Brother, Where Art Thou?: No thank you, Delmar. One third of a gopher would only arouse my appetite without bedding it down.

So, that's how I picture it. Like a big gopher on a stick over an open flame.
2006-10-10 10:07:57 AM  
Wrong hat?
2006-10-10 10:08:26 AM  
NPR, a while back, did a piece on squirel consumption. One of the things that came out was squirel frappiccinos. Kill squirrel, skin, place in blender (squirrelmaster 2000, of course!), enjoy!

Someone less drousy than I can hunt for the link.
2006-10-10 10:10:03 AM  
[image from too old to be available]

Guess I don't know my own strength.
2006-10-10 10:15:13 AM  
Dr. Moonlight: Has anyone ever eaten squirrel?

It's very strong tasting, but good. Most people stew it.
2006-10-10 10:16:35 AM  
i've had chipmunks get into the attic and garage and excavate underneath concrete patios.

they get shot on sight more problems.
2006-10-10 10:17:29 AM  

Just build a Flicker box. You can find plans probably online but definitely in any bird box book. It's just a tall-ish bird box, but the dimensions matter. Placement matters, too. About 10-20 feet up in a large tree or at least 6 feet up against a fence, shielded from the prevailing winter wind, seems to work fine. The squirrels will bring in whatever bedding they desire.


You are an eco-ignoramus. FYI, any given habitat will only support a certain density of any given kind of animal. Squirrels have however many pups in a litter because only so many will survive. If your area will support 5 or 6 squirrels/hectare, it will only support 5 or 6 squirrels/hectare no matter how many babies they pop out. This is due to a reality well described in Liebig's Law of the Minimum:

Liebig's Law of the Minimum, often simply called Liebig's Law or the Law of the Minimum, is a principle developed in agricultural science by Justus von Liebig. It states that growth is controlled not by the total of resources available, but by the scarcest resource. This concept was originally applied to plant or crop growth, where it was found that increasing the amount of plentiful nutrients did not increase plant growth. Only by increasing the amount of the limiting nutrient (the one most scarce in relation to "need") was the growth of a plant or crop improved.

Liebig used the image of a barrel-now called Liebig's barrel-to explain his law. Just as the capacity of a barrel with staves of unequal length is limited by the shortest stave, so a plant's growth is limited by the nutrient in shortest supply.

Liebig's Law has been extended to biological populations. For example, the growth of a biological population may not be limited by the total amount of resources available throughout the year, but by the minimum amount of resources available to that population at the time of year of greatest scarcity. That is, the growth of a population of animals might depend not on how much food is available in summer, but on how much food is available in winter.

This is closely related to the chemical principle of the rate determining step, and also to the project management principles of critical path and critical chain.

Retrieved from ""

Oh, and my "nice try" has worked swimmingly for 12 years now. In the 12 years since I built and placed these squirrel boxes, I have had exactly ZERO problems with squirrels. There are approximately as many squirrels in the vicinity as there ever were, and they never bother my house, at all. But go ahead and flail away with your .22 long rifle, if it makes you feel good. You won't eradicate the squirrels and it is in essence senseless killing, but it won't make any difference in the long run either way.
2006-10-10 10:18:53 AM  
My fave is this little novella.

Attack Squirrel of Death

I never dreamed slowly cruising through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous!

Studies have shown that motorcycling requires more decisions per second, and more sheer data processing than nearly any other common activity or sport. The reactions and accurate decision making abilities needed have been likened to the reactions of fighter pilots! The consequences of bad decisions or poor situational awareness are pretty much the same for both groups too.

Occasionally, as a rider I have caught myself starting to make bad or late decisions while riding. In flight training, my instructors called this being "behind the power curve". It is a mark of experience that when this begins to happen, the rider recognizes the situation, and more importantly, does something about it. A short break, a meal, or even a gas stop can set things right again as it gives the brain a chance to catch up.

Good, accurate, and timely decisions are essential when riding a least if you want to remain among the living. In short, the brain needs to keep up with the machine.

I had been banging around the roads of east Texas and as I headed back into Dallas, found myself in very heavy, high-speed traffic on the freeways. Normally, this is not a problem, I commute in these conditions daily, but suddenly I was nearly run down by a cage that decided it needed my lane more than I did. This is not normally a big deal either, as it happens around here often, but usually I can accurately predict which drivers are not paying attention and avoid them before we are even close. This one I missed seeing until it was nearly too late, and as I took evasive action I nearly broadsided another car that I was not even aware was there!

Two bad decisions and insufficient situational awareness...all within seconds. I was behind the power curve. Time to get off the freeway.

I hit the next exit, and as I was in an area I knew pretty well, headed through a few big residential neighborhoods as a new route home. As I turned onto the nearly empty streets I opened the visor on my full-face helmet to help get some air. I figured some slow riding through the quiet surface streets would give me time to relax, think, and regain that "edge" so frequently required when riding.

Little did I suspect...

As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me. It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it-it was that close.

I hate to run over animals...and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact.

Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels can take care of themselves!

Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing the oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his little beady eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Banzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" as the leap was spectacular and he flew over the windshield and impacted me squarely in the chest.

Instantly he set upon me. If I did not know better I would have sworn he brought twenty of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light t-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!

Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a t-shirt, and leather gloves puttering maybe 25mph down a quiet residential street...and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing.

I grabbed for him with my left hand and managed to snag his tail. With all my strength I flung the evil rodent off the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw.

That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser.

But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary pissed-off squirrel.

This was an evil attack squirrel of death!

Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands, and with the force of the throw swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact he landed square on my back and resumed his rather anti-social and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him!

The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him.

I was startled to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result. Torque. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it.

The engine roared as the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in...well...I just plain screamed.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel torn t-shirt, and only one leather glove roaring at maybe 70mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street...on one wheel and with a demonic squirrel on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.

With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little affect against the massive power of the big cruiser.

About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he is a Scottish attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got IN my full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed partway and he began hissing in my face I am quite sure my screaming changed tone and intensity. It seemed to have little affect on the squirrel however.

The rpm's on The Dragon maxed out (I was not concerned about shifting at the moment) and her front end started to drop.

Now picture the large man on the huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very ragged torn t-shirt, and wearing one leather glove, roaring at probably 80mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out his mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.

Finally I got the upper hand...I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked...sort-of. Spectacularly sort-of, so to speak.

Picture the scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork.

Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn t-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing one leather glove, moving at probably 80mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.

I heard screams. They weren't mine...

I managed to get the big motorcycle under directional control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign at a busy cross street.

I would have returned to fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really. But for two things. First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. One of them was on his back in the front yard of the house they had been parked in front of and was rapidly crabbing backwards away from the patrol car. The other was standing in the street and was training a riot shotgun on the police cruiser.

So the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway. That was one thing. The other? Well, I swear I could see the squirrel, standing in the back window of the patrol car among shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery, and shaking his little fist at me. I think he was shooting me the finger...

That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car...

I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made an easy right turn, and sedately left the neighborhood.

As for my easy and slow drive home? Screw it. Faced with a choice of 80mph cars and inattentive drivers, or the evil, demonic, attack squirrel of death...I'll take my chances with the freeway. Every time.

And I'll buy myself a new pair of gloves.

Daniel Meyer for the Rest of the story.
2006-10-10 10:19:29 AM  
[image from too old to be available]

...still waiting for Sigorney's squirrel cover!
2006-10-10 10:21:33 AM  

Holy wall of text batman... how 'bout a link?
2006-10-10 10:21:34 AM for the Rest of the story.

The rest of the story?

Shouldn't we have thought about that, maybe, after a paragraph or two?
2006-10-10 10:25:29 AM  
It's just text, but I couldn't imagine getting to the bloodiest bits only to find a farked link halfway through. The novella comment is a disclaimer. The authorship credited. Read if you'd like a good smile/ or not. ;-)
2006-10-10 10:27:04 AM  
There is no way to squirrel proof your home.

Mine get into ~everything~

They chew on the cat5, they hide the remote.. they hide walnuts in my shoes when I am sleeping...

You have to leave them in the cage to actually squirrel-proof things.

/Oh, did you mean something else? (pops)
2006-10-10 10:35:15 AM  
Dr. Moonlight
You should be able to find a recipe that sounds tasty to you on the internets. They are yummy, but can be tough and chewy if not prepared correctly.
Some people like to put them in a pressure cooker then transfer to roasting in the oven or even just regular boiling for a while before roasting.
I have found that putting them into a crock pot for about a half day works for me. I usually use Cream of 'shroom soup or chicken broth in the pot with them along with an assortment of spices as I see fit while preparing (garlic, onion, pepper, etc)
Good luck and enjoy your skverls!!
2006-10-10 10:36:59 AM  
wpmulligan, I see your squirrel jedi, and raise you a Dark Squirrel of the Sith:
[image from too old to be available]
2006-10-10 10:38:37 AM  
[image from too old to be available]
2006-10-10 10:40:43 AM  
Let me start by saying that I am not a cruel person. I detest people who hurt animals just for fun. I think anyone who kills an animal for just being an annoyance should be shot in the ass with bird shot...not enough to kill them, but enough to cause a lot of dull annoying pain.

That being said...fark squirrels. Fark them in their little arseholes. First piece of evidence:

A man, a squirrel, and a motorcycle.

Yeah HTML skills. Anyways, second piece of evidence...I'm laying in bed one morning. I was unemployed at the time and decided to lounge in bed that day. Unfortunately I was not the one making the decisions that day. As I'm laying in bed, I hear what I can only describe as "skittering" coming up my hallway. I think "great...another freaking rat." (Had a rat problem about a month before this, but that's for a different thread). Anyways, this "skittering" goes into my kitchen and I hear the garbage can lid go flying. problem...I'll just tye the little bastard up and toss him out like the last one. So I crawl down to the end of my bed to see what's going on. (My bedroom door was right across from the kitchen. Oh, and did I mention I'm blind as a bat without my glasses?) So as I get to the end of the bed, this BIG FARKING GREY STREAK goes flying under my bed! I jump up, screaming my head off, and wrap the blanket completely around mid air mind you...while yelling curses at this rat. Now mind you, yelling at a rat will not actually make it go away, but I thought that I could make it feel bad for scaring me and kinda just leave me alone. Then I came to my senses.

So then I see the big farking grey streak fly out from under my bed back into the kitchen. That's when I think "rats don't have bushy tails." I grab my glasses, make sure the blanket is still completely wrapped around me, and stand in front of the kitchen doorway. Inside is this squirrel...and he's FREAKED OUT! I think he might have been more freaked out them I was. Damn thing was jumping around my kitchen just destroying the place while I stood in the doorway to make sure he didn't get out. And squirrels can JUMP! He jumped from the floor to the counter the to top of the window to the stove to the floor again, all the while biatching and screaming at me. I just stood there watching him for about 5 minutes laughing, because what the hell can you do with a freaked out squirrel in your kitchen? He finally tore a hole in my window screen and jumped for freedom. Don't know where he went to though, since I was 2 stories up and there were no trees around that window. Anyways...fark squirrels...
2006-10-10 10:40:55 AM  
Pootums: Attack Squirrel of Death

Now that's funny.


Best not get in an arguement with 'im. He thinks that everything that's not pure Native American ecological habits destroys the environment irrevocably. This goes not only for physical behaviours but also philosophies. Doesn't listen to reason, either.

/I don't shoot teh squirrels, but I don't believe in giving 'em houses, either.
//Bluebirds, when I lived in Maine, sure--they were having trouble. Bats, sure, 'cuz I hate bugs. Squirrels do just fine on their own, and don't need my help.
///Though I'm not going to begrudge them a handful of birdseed if I should happen to put some out. The cat likes watching them.
2006-10-10 10:42:23 AM  
geniusiknowit: Fark blocked, from a NSFW-sounding domain You sure you've got the right thread? And if it's blocked, how're you here, huh?
2006-10-10 10:42:33 AM  
Dr. Moonlight Has anyone ever eaten squirrel?

Yes, its like a rat version of venison. Strong, gamey, and tough meat. Plus, there isn't much of it. I didn't care too much for it. It took like 8 squirrels to make the equivalent of a bucket of chicken. Then again, my friend who fixed it doesn't have any rodent problems.
2006-10-10 10:44:01 AM  
Squirrel meat is a little strong for me. But then again, they are just a rat with a furry tail. Rabbit isn't bad, but do NOT eat raccoon. Ugh.

/grew up in the boonies
2006-10-10 10:45:13 AM  
There was a great piece on NPR's This American Life about a rookie cop's first day on the job and his squirrel encounter. Audio is linked from here.
2006-10-10 10:45:15 AM  
geniusiknowit: Fark blocked, from a NSFW-sounding domain

muninsfrire, You sure you've got the right thread? And if it's blocked, how're you here, huh?

How are any of us here? I think it was Jean Paul Sartre who said, "How do you spell Sartre?"
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