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(WTOP)   Racoons suspected to be plotting terrorist attacks   ( divider line
    More: Asinine  
•       •       •

6842 clicks; posted to Main » on 23 May 2006 at 9:17 AM (11 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

54 Comments     (+0 »)

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2006-05-23 08:41:56 AM  
Well duh!!!

/They wear masks all the time... sneaky bastards
2006-05-23 08:49:05 AM  
They're actually going through your garbage looking for disposed-of electronics and smoke detectors in hopes of making a low-yield nuclear weapon.
2006-05-23 08:51:10 AM  
is The Wildlife Center of Virginia just fleecing investors with this silliness or is it tax money?
2006-05-23 09:21:32 AM  
DHS has the money for this, but not a southern boarder wall?
2006-05-23 09:21:35 AM  
/cbc rulz
2006-05-23 09:21:46 AM  
I always suspected those damn racoons!

Where's the OBVIOUS tag?

/Before anyone says it - racoon is spelled correctly.
2006-05-23 09:22:43 AM  
[image from too old to be available]
/cbc rulz
2006-05-23 09:23:56 AM  
I still don't trust penguins. Birds that can't fly? Who do they think they're fooling. I'm watching the Emu too.
2006-05-23 09:24:04 AM  
How dare you try to sully the reputation of raccoons, now there is a ring tailed jihad on you smitty.
2006-05-23 09:25:42 AM  
I like racoons.

The pet store was selling them for 5 cents apiece. I thought this was unusual since they were normally a few thousand dollars. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth so I bought two hundred of them. I like racoons.

I took my two hundred racoons home. I have a big car. I let one of them drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact none of them were very bright. They kept punching themselves in the genitals. I laughed. They punched me in the genitals. I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt too well to their new environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the racoons were so inexpensive; they all died. No apparent reason. They all just dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and five hours later it dies. God damn cheap racoons.

I didn't know what to do. There were two hundred dead racoons lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet racoon and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry racoons.

I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for awhile, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell really bad.

I had to pee but there was a dead racoon in my toilet and I didn't want to call a plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change them out every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food so it didn't go bad.

I tried to burn them, but I didn't know that my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the flames.

Then I had one dead, wet racoon in my toilet, two dead, frozen racoons in my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred racoons in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn't improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead racoons and I really had to use the bathroom. So I went and severely beat one of the racoons. I felt better.

I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city was not allowed to dispose of charred rodents. I told him I had a wet one. He couldn't take it either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas presents. My friends pretended to like them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.

I like racoons.
2006-05-23 09:26:10 AM  
I just can't picture terrorists sitting around planning to infect americas critters with disease. What kind of half assed terror plan is that?
2006-05-23 09:27:48 AM  
was there a baffling number of raccoon testicles involved?
2006-05-23 09:28:30 AM  
Before anyone says it - racoon is spelled correctly.

Or you could just spell raccoon the normal way to begin with and no one would say anything.
2006-05-23 09:30:07 AM  
Cute rat bastards
2006-05-23 09:32:08 AM  
Sounds like they watch bad movies to come up with ideas for "terror plots" that actual terrorists would laugh at. I mean, it's not like people and raccoons interact much, anyway, and people tend to avoid them because of the whole rabies thing they're known for.

All these anti-terrorist plans are completely insane.
2006-05-23 09:33:33 AM  
starky: /obscure?

First thing I thought of, too... although Cyril would have been a better pic than Cedric.
2006-05-23 09:34:30 AM  
So does this mean the next preemptive war is against the raccoons, to free the wildlife from their suspected terrorism and weapons of mass destruction?
2006-05-23 09:34:56 AM  
[image from too old to be available]

They are watching you.
2006-05-23 09:37:02 AM  
Must be envious of the traitorous deer and their success with Lyme disease.
2006-05-23 09:37:23 AM  
No, Madheretic, they will get a fair process, where they can prove that they pose no real threat to other countries, only then will they be wiped out.
2006-05-23 09:37:25 AM  
Wanted for questioning:
[image from too old to be available]
2006-05-23 09:38:36 AM  
Security spending isn't pork at all, remember x-11!
2006-05-23 09:40:25 AM  
"Officials say there are already systems in place to monitor humans and domestic animals for diseases that could be linked to terrorism"


"will look for evidence of bioterrorism in wild animals."

[image from too old to be available]
2006-05-23 09:41:55 AM  
Racial profiling...
2006-05-23 09:42:04 AM  
"'s's in my raccoon wounds!!"
2006-05-23 09:42:11 AM  
So do think terrorists are saying, "We could shoot someone or blow up a bus."

"No,no we should very slowly turn there Racoon population against them."


Farking waste of money.
2006-05-23 09:43:12 AM  
c'mon who didnt see this coming? They all but announced their plans of world domination in The Great Outdoors, it was subtle but it was there.

[image from too old to be available]
2006-05-23 09:55:18 AM  
Why do you think we have opposable thumbs, for scratching our asses?
2006-05-23 09:59:10 AM  
This is news out of Waynseboro, Virginia, right down the road from Washington D.C. If anyone wants to be paranoid about an imported case of bird flu, bubonic plague, or mutant rabies, it's those folks.
2006-05-23 10:00:31 AM  
LOL .. I like your story.
2006-05-23 10:03:16 AM  
You are my new idol. i bow to thee.
2006-05-23 10:04:51 AM  
Not such a daft idea. It wouldn't be too difficult to catch a few wild animals, infect them with a disease or two and release them into the wild (or better still, suburbia).

Without some kind of monitoring, we could all be dying of bubonic plague before anyone realised what was happening.

There are lots of possible vectors - deer ticks, rat fleas, Jehova's witnesses....
2006-05-23 10:07:01 AM  

your ideas are intriguing, I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

/copy, paste
//still laughing my ass off
2006-05-23 10:09:43 AM  
Before you bow down and worship MOONDOGGY, bear in mind that he just took the "I like monkeys" story that's been on the net for ages and replaced "monkeys" with "raccoons" and "primates" with "rodents".

So you can still go ahead with the worship, but you might want to mix in a cockpunch every now and then. :)
2006-05-23 10:11:53 AM  
I fully support this initiative, it's time someone finally did something.
Hey raccoon- If you have nothing to hide, then why are you wearing a mask???
2006-05-23 10:15:12 AM  
[image from too old to be available]
/unavailable for comment
2006-05-23 10:17:44 AM  
So you can still go ahead with the worship, but you might want to mix in a cockpunch every now and then. :)

very well then.

*COCKPUNCH* and another for spelling Raccoons wrong in every instance of the word in that story *COCKPUNCH*

/smitty gets one too for the headline
2006-05-23 10:36:26 AM  
aren't those tanuki?
I'm pretty sure they are.

heh. heh.
2006-05-23 10:37:23 AM  
Hey, that's wait, racoon. Heh, nevermind.

/Calm down, Jessie Jackass.
2006-05-23 10:38:15 AM  
[image from too old to be available]

Proper credit goes to Farker YamiNoSenshi.
2006-05-23 10:47:34 AM  
Heh, as an anti-terror program goes, kinda silly.

BUT, I support it anyway, because viruses...without any help from guys in turbans...have killed more Americans than redcoats, Confederates, the Kaiser, Nazis, and Al Quaeda combined.

Wouldn't hurt to drop a little money on monitoring.
2006-05-23 10:49:18 AM  
[image from too old to be available]

...confessed to one count of being a raccoon, and one count of being an accessory to being a raccoon.
2006-05-23 10:59:51 AM  
[image from too old to be available]
Vacationing Family Gunned Down by Homeland Security.
"It was an unfortunate incident, but if we'd done nothing, the terrorists would already have won," said an official who asked not to be named for reasons of nation security.
2006-05-23 11:06:54 AM  
I understood that the birds infected with 'West Nile disease' migrated from Cuba.

/Clever Castro Conspiracy.
//Not kidding.
///Waiting for worse.
////More scared of m0ondoggy.
2006-05-23 11:11:12 AM  
"The don't plot, they don't scheme, and they are not organized!"

//didn't RTFA
2006-05-23 11:14:39 AM  
[image from too old to be available]
2006-05-23 11:55:44 AM  
Yes, I copied and pasted, as I stated in the last Rac(c)oon thread. I would have noted that here, but noone seemed to care the last time.

FWIW, Racoon is an acceptable alternate spelling.


rac·coon also ra·coon (

n. pl. rac·coons or raccoon also ra·coons or racoon

1. A carnivorous North American mammal (Procyon lotor) having grayish-brown fur, black masklike facial markings, and a black-ringed bushy tail.
2. The fur of this mammal.
3. Any of various similar or related animals.

2006-05-23 12:45:34 PM  
So people just sit around all day trying to answer this burning question:

"How can I make money from terrorism?"
2006-05-23 12:53:11 PM  
You all know that racoons hate us for our freedom. We have to fight Racoons over there so we dont have to fight them here. We have to stop gay racoon mariage because racoon mariage is sacred.

/Repeat ad nauseam
2006-05-23 04:10:52 PM  
First thing I thought of:
Roadside Terrorism: A Guide To Converting Small Animals Into Instruments Of Destruction

By Dennis McGee (DennisMcGM[nospam-﹫-backwards]loa­*c­om)

Driving home from work one steamy, August afternoon, I passed a
dead raccoon in the gutter--no doubt the victim of an oncoming
vehicle not unlike my own. Over the next few days I observed that
my trash-can-flipping friend's stomach had almost tripled in size
from the sweltering heat--it was beginning to look like a red Voit

While the exact chemical reaction is beyond the scope of this
article, I do know that the gas accumulating inside of my furry
friend's intestines was at least partially hydrogen. If you know
just one thing about hydrogen, know that it is extremely
combustible when exposed to an open flame or spark. Hindenburg
combustible, got it?

Combine the potential for igniting an explosion with my desire to
kill time, and we've got ourselves a way to turn small, dead
animals into weapons that can be smuggled past any airport metal

Before you start, here are a few questions you should ask yourself
before building your varmint bomb:

How large of an explosion do I need? Oh, fark that -- How large of
an explosion do I WANT?
The obvious rule of thumb is the bigger the animal, the bigger
the explosion. Since you're entering uncharted territory, we
recommend that you start small. Try a fresh rat or squirrel and,
once you've gotten the technique perfected, move onto raccoons and
(if you are lucky enough to find one intact) a dog or deer.

Where do I find a dead animal?
A drive on any major highway should provide plentiful bounty.
Look for recently developed areas, where new housing projects force
Bambi and her cohorts onto the roads in seek of new homes.

How do I choose the right animal?
Any dead animal will work just fine. And don't be squeamish
about using Fluffy, the neighbor's dead cat--just don't let them
catch you. Keep in mind that the test subject should be an
endotherm because, all kidding aside, I don't think you're going to
get a fuse into a frog's asshole.

What supplies will I need?
1. Dead, bloated animal
2. Flat head screwdriver
3. Lighter or matches
4. Safety glasses (optional, really, but don't they lend
legitimacy to the most dangerous advice?)
5. Silicon caulk and caulking gun
6. A cannon fuse

Items 2 through 5 can be found at your local hardware store. The
cannon fuse, on the other hand, is a restricted material and must
be found elsewhere.
Now that you have acquired all of the essential items, you are
ready to take one step back on the karmic ladder of life. For those
of you without some sort of destructive instinct, I've put together
an easy step-by-step guide to walk you through the fun of backyard

5. Fill the animal's mouth with silicon caulk. This will keep any
gas from escaping when you insert the screwdriver and the fuse into
its asshole. You see, when rigor mortis sets in, the animal
stiffens, its sphincter clenches tight, and (with luck) the jaw
clamps shut. But you can't be certain that the mouth is airtight,
so you need to seal this orifice, just in case.

4. Position animal Ass Up, if wasn't kind enough to die that way.

3. Prepare your materials.
Place the fuse on the screwdriver as shown in Illustration #1
below (sorry, e-readers). This will give you leverage when you
insert the fuse into the animal's rectal cavity.
With a generous portion of silicon caulk, butter the buns of
Smokey's little friend. Also apply some to your screwdriver and the
fuse. The silicon seal will prevent any gas from leaking out of
Rocky's ass.
Note: The length of the fuse is up to you; I have no idea how
long it will take for you to dive behind the picnic table.
Note #2: When considering the amount of time you will need to
run away from the ignited varmint, please account for any alcohol
in your system that will inevitably cause you to stumble during
your escape.

2. Insert the fuse.
Grasp the animal. Remain calm. Concentrate. Take a deep breath
(if you can stomach the stench).
Position the tip of the screwdriver on that puckered pink spot
and GENTLY push. It might fight you at first, but with patience and
a few kind words, it should comply.(Sound familiar? Good. Be just
as gentle.) When you feel the tip enter, ease it down about an inch
and a half until you reach the colon. (BE CAREFUL: You are not
driving in a friggin' tent spike! You are inserting a screwdriver,
so be careful not to puncture anything!)
If you made it this far and haven't heard any flat tire noises,
ducks being stepped on, or a gentle "poof," you're almost there.
When you withdraw the screwdriver, do not wiggle it, pull it to
the side, or let it shake. Just pull straight back and the
sphincter will close right up behind you, sealed tight with the
caulking you applied earlier. If you have followed all these steps
correctly, you are now ready to be the life of the party. Friendly
advice: Don't wear your Sunday best, ok? Think "disposable."

1. Find a place to take cover. Invite the gang over for some
sandwiches. Find a video camera. Turn on the video camera. Ignite.
If all went well, your little furry friend's intestines will
have just expanded at a dangerous rate, all due to a simple
chemical reaction given to us by God Himself. You won't see this
kind of fun on Mr. Wizard, kids.
If you just hurt yourself, be warned: No one will accept any
responsibility for your bad judgment. Please destroy your copy of
this article before you kill yourself and/or your little sister
trying to make a dead animal go Boom Boom.

Brought to you by - The 'Lectric Law Library
The Net's Finest Legal Resource For Legal Pros & Laypeople Alike.
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