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(The Tennessean)   Two masked kidnappers snatch man, demand $20,000. As the night wore on, the demands kept dropping and finally after getting bitched at by the victim's sister they dropped him off with $23 to show for 24 hours of kidnapping   (tennessean.com) divider line
    More: Dumbass  
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11243 clicks; posted to Main » on 27 Mar 2006 at 5:56 PM (12 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



53 Comments     (+0 »)
 


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2006-03-27 04:18:12 PM  
"Are you telling me I'm being marked down? I've been kidnapped by K-Mart."
 
2006-03-27 06:00:46 PM  
O. Henry would be proud.
 
2006-03-27 06:02:02 PM  
You could outsource your kidnapping to some third world nation for that price.
 
2006-03-27 06:02:40 PM  
I told them I didn't want my brother back, now here he is again...eating potato chips on my couch. Stupid farkers...
 
2006-03-27 06:05:12 PM  
szmike ++
 
2006-03-27 06:05:24 PM  
LOL...sometimes they just write themselves.
 
Fie
2006-03-27 06:06:17 PM  
Good for the little sister!
 
2006-03-27 06:06:40 PM  
I think I lost 20 IQ points just for reading that asshat's story.
 
2006-03-27 06:07:46 PM  
My money's on a shakedown.
The kid knows who "kidnapped" him and I would guess the plot was to get money out of his cousin. Stupid people do stupid things.
 
2006-03-27 06:08:27 PM  
"When we got down there, they duct-taped my face over my eyes. I couldn't see nothing but then I started to hear more voices. They started making ransom calls like what they wanted for me."

There are just so many ways we can mock this. I don't know where to start!

Duct-taped his face OVER his eyes??? That had to hurt!

Whose next?
 
2006-03-27 06:12:36 PM  
If I lived in Gattalin, TN I would hope to be kidnapped and taken away from there.
 
2006-03-27 06:12:55 PM  
THIS is exactly why I read Fark.
 
GCD
2006-03-27 06:13:24 PM  
"Steketra Donsha Garrett"...

Wow, just wow. What the fark is that kinda name and how does one even go about pronouncing it?
 
2006-03-27 06:15:12 PM  
GCD

Sta Keet Ra

Now say it fast.

Now go apologize to Miriam Webster.
 
2006-03-27 06:19:50 PM  
YEE hah! (cue the car horn from "Dukes of Hazzard").
 
2006-03-27 06:20:01 PM  
OMG, why didn't I choose the name "Spandex Mini-Skirt King"?!!!
 
GCD
2006-03-27 06:20:27 PM  
,

Gonna go out on a limb here and assume you meant MERRIAM-WEBSTER...Could be wrong though.

Your search - "Steketra" - did not match any documents.

Even Google doesn't know!!
 
2006-03-27 06:23:06 PM  
Come on...no Ruthless People references? you guys are slacking off!
 
2006-03-27 06:23:39 PM  
I saw that movie -- "The Ref," right?
 
2006-03-27 06:24:57 PM  
and no one read "the ransom of red chief"?
 
2006-03-27 06:25:54 PM  
What I want to know is how they made a man who had his hands cuffed behind his back *crawl* to the front door. That had to suck.
 
2006-03-27 06:26:35 PM  
Greenville: Come on...no Ruthless People references? you guys are slacking off!

Initial comment.

Memoryalpha: and no one read "the ransom of red chief"?

Second comment.

/trying not to boobies the filter
 
2006-03-27 06:32:29 PM  
Wow, just wow. I think somebody needs to think these things thru before they do it.

Can somebody say "MORANS!!!"
 
2006-03-27 06:35:54 PM  
"OK...so...ve takes ze money you has on you, and vee calls it even, ja?"

/obligatory
 
BC
2006-03-27 06:35:58 PM  
And yet Drew and the mods CONTINUE refusing to provide us with a Tennessee tag.

Come ON, guys...this one article alone justifies one...6 times over.

/bc
 
2006-03-27 06:38:16 PM  
He held the gun to her (Garrett's) head and pulled out some handcuffs and made her put them on me.

"They were handcuffs but they weren't police-issue handcuffs.


Huh? Is anyone else wondering how he knows this? I mean, unless they were fuzzy handcuffs, or something, dude's got a bit of familiarity with police-issue equipment.
 
2006-03-27 06:45:02 PM  
Tennessee is just full of farking morons.
 
2006-03-27 06:47:09 PM  
dandelion whine

I was wondering how long it would take to see a reference to The Ransom of Red Chief

Good job my fellow literati...
 
2006-03-27 07:01:06 PM  
Greenville Come on...no Ruthless People references? you guys are slacking off!

Check out the initial post, my friend.
 
2006-03-27 07:03:01 PM  
"Two masked kidnappers snatch man"

That has got to be the greatest superhero name ever.

"Foolish kidnappers, don't you know you're no match for Snatch Man?!?"
 
2006-03-27 07:05:35 PM  
IChuckPens

I also could not get my mind around that statement.

I clicked on the responses link KNOWING that my fellow farkers would not let that quote pass unmolested.


"When we got down there, they duct-taped my face over my eyes. I couldn't see nothing..."


Pure comedic brilliance. As effed up as a football bat
 
2006-03-27 07:05:37 PM  
There's a Dave Chappelle joke in here somewhere. Just need to confirm they are black and the President was involved. Thus life will imitate art.
 
2006-03-27 07:25:34 PM  
no one's pointed out yet that submitter changed tenses in the middle of the headline? i thought farkers were all about that kind of nitpicking. it's late in the day though, i may not have RTFthread very carefully
 
2006-03-27 07:41:46 PM  
Okay, two things:

1 - I call shenanigans. The ex-husband of a girl I used to date concocted a kidnapping story once and she actually fell for it. This sounds a lot like that.

2 - "The gunman pushed William Ellis down the hall toward Ronnie Ellis' bedroom where Ronnie Ellis and Steketra Donsha Garrett, 25, were inside."

I believe we have a winner in the all-time worst name given to a child. What were her parents on in 1981?
 
2006-03-27 07:53:39 PM  
How about a Florida-ish tag
 
2006-03-27 08:15:54 PM  
William Ellis, 51, who also uses the name "Fly,"

Well good for him. Nice of the reporter to let us know the important facts of the case.
 
2006-03-27 08:34:08 PM  
I seem to remember an oild country song that went

"Don't pay the ransom, I've escaped"

He probably sat there, smoked crack and partied all night away from the missus,
 
2006-03-27 09:15:58 PM  
RodneyToady: "Two masked kidnappers snatch man"

That has got to be the greatest superhero name ever.

"Foolish kidnappers, don't you know you're no match for Snatch Man?!?"



Maybe, but what the HELL would he put on the front of his superhero costume?

/don't wanna know
//nope
 
2006-03-27 09:34:21 PM  
1981? Well that would be cocaine for $200, Alex.
 
2006-03-27 09:41:54 PM  
Jack Bauer would have retrieved the guy in 3 hours, with time left over for a crappy First Lady sub-plot.
 
2006-03-27 09:50:24 PM  
"Ok, ok. We'll do it for a smile and a handshake. But that smile better be damn pleasant, or I'll scatter his brains all over the place man!
 
2006-03-27 10:01:30 PM  
"They beat on me a little bit, like hitting me on the back of the head with a pistol several times," Ellis said.

Ellis said that his captors demanded ransom money from his cousin and his mother.

"He tried to meet them with the money but they was like real paranoid about the police being with my cousin" so the exchange was never made, he said.

Ransom demands were lowered, Ellis said.

"As time passed, it was turning into a frustrated situation and they just beat on me a little bit more, and it got to a point where they was tired of wasting time.

"They was like, 'He ain't gonna pay for him, let's kill him and throw him in front of this barber shop in Nashville.' The guy asked me 'Do you want to talk to your mama one last time' and I was like, 'yeah.'

"He called my mother and she was crying and couldn't talk on the phone.

"She gave the phone to my little sister. I don't know what she said to him, (but) he said, 'I'm going to bring him home to you.'

"After he got off the phone, he said, 'Man, I just promised your little sister I wasn't going to kill you.'
"


.....doh!
 
2006-03-27 10:16:35 PM  
and then we're off.... to Haiti.
 
2006-03-27 10:43:07 PM  
Read my headline & tell me it isn't better:

"Man kidnapped at gunpoint & held for ransom. Kidnappers, apparently unclear on the concept, bargain with victim's family down to 'We'll drop you off close to a police station'. Ken & Sandy Kessler wanted for questioning."

Meh
/mit slashie
 
2006-03-27 10:50:37 PM  

2006-03-27 06:15:12 PM natetimm

GCD

Sta Keet Ra

Now say it fast.

Now go apologize to Miriam Webster.


I think you ripped a hole in the universe by misspelling the name of a dictionary.
 
2006-03-27 10:53:16 PM  
scape: I think you ripped a hole in the universe by misspelling the name of a dictionary.


That and other posts in this thread have me practically rolling on the floor in laughter.
 
2006-03-27 11:21:58 PM  
assuming that the kidnapping's legit, this is a good way to head off the problems currently experienced in certain south american countries..yesiree, good old fashioned yankee negotiation.
 
2006-03-28 03:17:49 AM  
HugeMidget

um, I don't like yours, it's cumbersome. of course the one used gives the impression that the victim earned $23, so also no good.
 
2006-03-28 10:00:00 AM  
[image from img91.imageshack.us too old to be available]
Ah yes. Running a kidnapping is never quite as simple as it looks.

(it slices, it dices, it julienne fries! V for Vendetta, good for more than just anti-Bush threads!)

scape: I think you ripped a hole in the universe by misspelling the name of a dictionary.

He did? I'll have to look that up in my Funk and Wagnalls.
 
2006-03-28 10:33:01 AM  
isn't that funking wagners?
 
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