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(Fark)   If you're looking for a last-minute gift guaranteed to arrive on time for Christmas, one option would be to purchase a TotalFark subscription for someone. It sure beats a kick in the jimmy   ( fark.com) divider line
    More: Plug  
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1028 clicks; posted to Main » on 15 Dec 2005 at 1:54 PM (12 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

731 Comments     (+0 »)

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2005-12-15 03:27:11 PM  
I'm looking for ways I can pay more for the internet, any suggestions?
2005-12-15 03:27:14 PM  
Jeez, I'm not getting sponsored. This is worse then when my ex-wife stuck a car key in my eye and forced me to go to the ER.
2005-12-15 03:27:18 PM  
All i want for Christmas is Total Fark to help my Photoshop scores and i'll add extra Bush for a month
or not
2005-12-15 03:27:42 PM  
I was up until 3 vomiting into a bucket. If anyone wanted to be nice to me today, I would be extremely grateful.
2005-12-15 03:29:21 PM  
Someone sent me an elephant pissing on a duck beside a plate of bacon:
[image from img.photobucket.com too old to be available]
"Anyone with a computer can become their own publisher on the internet."
-Ric Romero

Now that's the kinda stuff I'm looking for!

/For those of you playing at home, I got one sponsorship left.
2005-12-15 03:29:45 PM  
I promise I won't post the HA HA guy or O'RLY Owl in every post.
2005-12-15 03:29:47 PM  
ms. bigglesworth beat me to it, Cali_Man, but welcome regardless.
2005-12-15 03:29:52 PM  

Live duck bacon is a holy relic where I come from.
2005-12-15 03:29:58 PM  
Nick the Dragon Slayer was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a long-standing obsession with nuzzling the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death.

One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without hesitation, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed.

Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer could have cared less, and knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's loincloth.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...
2005-12-15 03:30:28 PM  
I hope I make the TF cut with my emails
2005-12-15 03:30:38 PM  
cali_man That went straight to the profile!

Now tweak your profile. Details. Who is Cali_man?
2005-12-15 03:30:55 PM  
All I want for christmas is my
img.fark.netView Full Size
img.fark.netView Full Size
img.fark.netView Full Size

Actually... it isn't all I want for Christmas, but it would be pretty cool. :D

/from Michigan
//fun at parties!
2005-12-15 03:31:01 PM  
MyrnaMinkoff, where have you been? No more TF for you?
2005-12-15 03:31:28 PM  
Aw, someone beat me to it MyrnaMinkoff . Welcome back.
2005-12-15 03:31:58 PM  
Tis the season for sponsoring. I really couldn't accept a sponso... well okay, if you are willing, I am ready.
2005-12-15 03:32:44 PM  
[image from hostimage.org too old to be available]

2005-12-15 03:33:18 PM  
Old_Chief_Scott: Hopefully you too now have that song in your head. Don't need a sponsorship, but throw a liter a bone and tell me if the Calamari Hosebeast is still alive and well...

Yes it is - it's up to just under a brazillian posts too I think. Takes a half hour to reload the damn thing.
2005-12-15 03:33:37 PM  
I got gmail for trade?????
2005-12-15 03:34:02 PM  
After a long night of heavy drinking at a local gay sushi bar last night, I awoke this AM with an orange wedge as well as a mysterious sticky substance on my chest.

I need a TotalFark sponsorship!
2005-12-15 03:34:13 PM  
PFC Obvious: I was up until 3 vomiting into a bucket. If anyone wanted to be nice to me today, I would be extremely grateful.

Are you in the service, or is your name just for fun?
2005-12-15 03:35:11 PM  

[image from img527.imageshack.us too old to be available]

Ric Romero: Ducks are birds that fly south for the winter. Southerners like Bacon.
2005-12-15 03:35:20 PM  
[image from zyxxyz.com too old to be available]

A sponsorship for me is a sponsorship for bouncing fairy boobies!
2005-12-15 03:35:35 PM  
If someone were to sponsor me I promise that I will get drunk to celebrate. I will also share with you my video of me having hot sex ice cream with Jennifer Love Hewitt
2005-12-15 03:36:42 PM  
i'm waiting.
2005-12-15 03:36:49 PM  
late to the party, but I think a sponsership might help me forget about the bad decision that was hookin up with my ex-girlfriend last night...for the third time after we broke up.

/alcohol...the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems
//liter for over 3 years, time to get with the program
2005-12-15 03:37:33 PM  
How does a blind sky-diver know when to pull the ripcord?

...when the leash goes slack.
2005-12-15 03:37:33 PM  
Nuke a gay baby whale for jesus.
2005-12-15 03:37:40 PM  
regberk: Ric Romero: Ducks are birds that fly south for the winter. Southerners like Bacon.

Fisrt: You pulled that pic from a GIS (I'd really like for you to photoshop something). Second, that's not a real Ric Romero quote.
2005-12-15 03:37:42 PM  
luckyeddie looks hopefully in his lurker son's direction...
2005-12-15 03:37:47 PM  
JohnnyC, Merry Christmas.
2005-12-15 03:38:33 PM  
I got my Grandma "Corn Porn" for Christmas. I hope she likes it.
2005-12-15 03:38:39 PM  
"I think I'm the only one who wants more weiners"

(raises hand)

I've got one I'll share with you.
2005-12-15 03:38:57 PM  
To whomever the perfect soul was who sponsored me, it is greatly appreciated. I will do my best in many a photoshop contests. Thanks again....

2005-12-15 03:39:10 PM  

Talk to nbrfwhoooo They were looking to sponsor folks from Maine.
2005-12-15 03:40:06 PM  
Thanks Raven77, 'tis the season when the thought counts.

[image from img277.imageshack.us too old to be available]
2005-12-15 03:41:06 PM  
Phillylou: JohnnyC, Merry Christmas.

WHOA!! Thanks! :D

Merry Christmas to you too!
2005-12-15 03:41:32 PM  
George Bush has a heart attack and dies.

He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you, but you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got 3 people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room.

In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room.

In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.

The devil opened a third door.

In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,

"Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said.... "Monica, you're free to go!"
2005-12-15 03:42:40 PM  
If you are offended easily...just skip this one:

Man comes home and his girlfriend is packing her bags.
"What are you doing, honey?" he asks her.
"I'm leaving you" she cries
"Why?" he asks
"Because you're a paedophile!" she exclaims.
"Wow" he says "That's a really big word for a 10 year old..."
2005-12-15 03:42:50 PM  
for those of you wanting boobies, have you ever found:


Boobies. Free. A lot of them.
2005-12-15 03:43:34 PM  
Holy crap, thanks to my sponsor!
2005-12-15 03:43:39 PM  
I must say.. TotalFarkers are a nice bunch. All the giving makes my heart warm.

War on Christmas my ass.
2005-12-15 03:44:09 PM  
Sorry mamma, I'll be sure to udpate the profile with plenty of clever witticisms and at least 1 shout-out to my tf sponsor, keeping me on the 12 step program to unemployment.
2005-12-15 03:44:33 PM  

Sing up into the mic

If the kick in the Jimmy is effective enough, you could sing up to castrato.

Incidentally, last Christmas I was given this vacuum flask - brilliant bit of kit. Keeps hot things hot and cold things cold for hours.

What have you got in it now?

Two cups of coffee and a choc-ice

2005-12-15 03:44:33 PM  
One more before heading off to explore the mystery that is TF (and a big thank you to whoever did so).


An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold, blustery day.

The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

So the daughter did and her hand warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend and he said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." So he did and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." So he did and warmed his nose.

The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she said to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"

Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes! . Why do you ask?"

The daughter replies,"Well, they make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"
2005-12-15 03:44:56 PM  
Capt. Happy Hour, wristbandgoth


/Okay, so maybe my generosity surpasses five sponsorships this month.
2005-12-15 03:45:03 PM  

Phillylou: JohnnyC, Merry Christmas.

WHOA!! Thanks! :D

Merry Christmas to you too!

You are very welcome. Hell ,you homebrew, play guitar, cook, and a homemaker too. Enjoy and have fun.
2005-12-15 03:45:15 PM  
How about a girl who likes swimmin' with hairy dwarf women?
(I would REALLY like a month of TF! IT"S CHRISTMAS!!)
2005-12-15 03:45:16 PM  
who do I have to sleep with???
2005-12-15 03:45:29 PM  
unfortunately, i'm from mass.
i couldn't put totalfark on my christmas list because my parents wouldn't approve of paying for me to look at boobie links. can i suggest a sfp totalfark page? thanks :) uhh.. i'll advertise you on my site? twice?
2005-12-15 03:45:43 PM  
This will probably either result in banniation or sponsorship

A guy tired of working at McDonalds decides to get a new job. He finds an ad in the paper for a bus driver. He goes to the interview and finds out that it's not really a bus, but a light blue van with Sesame Street characters painted on the side. He gets the job and they tell him his route for the following day. At his first stop there are little fat twin girls waiting. As the first one gets on the bus she says "hi my name's patti". The second one also says "hi my name's Patti".

The guy thinks this is a little odd but continues his route. The next stop has a young man in a 3 piece suit. As he gets on the bus he says "hi, my name's Ross, and I'm special".
They guy shrugs this off and continues to his next stop. At this stop there is a dirty little boy waiting. He gets on the bus and says "hi, my name's Lester G.". He proceeds to sit down, take off his shoes and begins picking at bunions on his feet.
The driver delivers the children to school, and goes home. This continues for several weeks and then one day after delivering the children, he drives the bus off a cliff. They found this suicide note in the wreckage.

I hate, two obese Patti's, special Ross, Lester G, picking bunions on a sesame street bus.

/you know you're going to tell it to your friends
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