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(Some Guy)   Farker needs advice. How do you cut off your kids when they move out?   ( divider line
    More: Advice  
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13975 clicks; posted to Main » on 27 Sep 2005 at 12:05 AM (12 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

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2005-09-27 04:31:46 AM  
Just pull out in front of them like any other asshole does. If they hit you yell whiplash.
2005-09-27 04:32:06 AM  
I suspect I won't see them fully independant until about age 25-27.

...that scares me.

Seriously. It does.

I'm 27, and have been making it on my own for a good number of years. Yaah, I lived in the family home until 22, but there were complex circumstances (I actually partially owned the house due to my parents divorce agreement) and I still damn well paid rent and my share of the house bills, as well as cooking, cleaning and the like.

We sold the house just before I turned 22, actually. I've been living on my own since then with no problems. There's *no* excuse whatsoever once you're earning a living wage to keep leeching off your parents.

Just_One_More best place to start would probably be with your wife. Even if you cut them off entirely, chances are she'd still baby them along. Take it slow, step by step. As suggested - wait until the mobile phone contracts run out. If the ownership is in your hands, then tell the kids you're moving it to their hands, and it's their responsibility. Don't bail them out once they discover that running up a huge bill actually means you have to PAY it! Even something as small as that is a step towards reality.

They'll learn the more they handle things themselves, the better they feel about themselves. Then they'll eke across to more and more, and spreading their wings.

But first of all, poke the wife. 'cos she's sounding like the first stumbling block to getting it sorted.
2005-09-27 04:33:45 AM  
I didn't read the thread, barely skimmed it, but as a 23 y/o living at home, I can give a certain perspective.
Cutting them off will be difficult, especially considering your wife getting upset about it...that part you need to work out with her and get her to at least see your perspective agree or not. And that is important in this.
Your kids, as college students may need some extra money for certain things involved in living/functioning at college. Obviously they are not spending it all wisely or properly, but it is nice to help them out a little bit. As they have jobs it should be expected that they use that money in some way responsibly, they may not but that is part of learning how to. But on this point, be the parent! Just cut them to a certain point! With all you seem to give and have given in the past, it seems that it may be unneccesarily mean to cut too much too quick, but make it happen little by little. Just cut back based on the situation and what they can deal with till you get to the point of not providing constant support that isn't necessary but that you are there if they need you. It seems that based on their expectations/demands they haven't learned the value of money and/or working for what you have.
I've worked since I was 12 starting out with remodeling, before that for a year doing a paper route. I did this because my parents couldn't give me the things I wanted or needed all the time. This developed a different outlook on this type of thing that they may not have, but they are still young enough to learn it.
The most efficient thing to me would seem to be to get them to take their own responsibility for these things at a reasonable pace. Try using learning tools like financial advisors and such. It seems they probably didn't learn as much as they could have or needed to previous to being out on their own but that they can still get it. The crutch just has to go away...they need to know it will and how it will happen so they can work with it and learn.
Teach them the things you learned about how to handle being on you own and discuss/make it clear what you plan to do (cutting back to completely their support monetarily) and get them there.
If they are that much of spoiled brats or something along those lines it may come down to just coming down to cutting them off and saying deal with it. You just have to stick to what you say on that type of thing to the point that they have to do as much as they can; if they fail though you may have to help.
It's like a bird pushing the young one out of the nest to make it fly. Do it.
It pretty much comes down to circumstance...don't be a selfish fool and write them off for you to do you, but be the parent and use every resource possible to get them independant!

/damn that was long
//drunk and done ranting
///hope it made sense people
2005-09-27 04:35:20 AM  
Molest 'em when they are young. Deny it when you are older. They won't ask you for a cent.
2005-09-27 04:38:18 AM  
Give them all the money they want.
2005-09-27 04:39:25 AM  
OK nobody believes me for some reason-


are those really the chicks you want? you know, there are some cute chicks who don't care that much for money...
(yeah but only when your young)

Here is a typical conversation I've had many times when meeting a new single female for the first time. (many many times)

Me: "bla bla chatter, yeah Journey rocks!"
she" bla bla chatter, haha they suck! bla bla"
(notice at this stage of converation female is animated, flipping hair, laughing, all good signs, then we get to:

she" so what do you do?"
Me" well I ah.......(explains current whatever I'm doing to pay the rent of my independant lifestyle, small apt etc)
she (face changes, dissapointment written on face) "hey I think that's my friend calling me, bye!"

Notice this conversation never even happens if the lovely lady sees my car prior to chatting with me. (car not Lexus, not from the year "2000's" not under 100,000 miles)
/not under 150,000 miles

I'm telling the reality of my life, and chicken is laughing at me. What a country!
2005-09-27 04:43:33 AM  
i'm 23 and supporting myself. since i have a crappy job, money is super tight, and i don't even have a car.

but i was the one that made the decision to cut off parental support. i owe my dad $300, half of which i'm paying back today, and he sends me a care package every once in a while of macaroni and cheese, cookies and those little boxes of chili. but that's it. and it feels damn good to be independent and manage my own finances.

offer to help them out with necessities, and point out that a cell phone and car are not necessities. i'm talking food, utilities, home phone. then wean them off of that once they get their shiat together.
2005-09-27 04:51:21 AM  
kAoTiC_7 I wonder about that "they're not spending their money wisely, so help them out..." mentality

WTF? They're 22 and 18. It could be because in Australia you're a fully legal adult at 18, but I seriously think it's time to let go of the apron strings.

Maybe it's just me - admittedly I did grow up in a very low-income family - one parent, three kids, and almost all of my mum's income went to trying to keep my baby sister alive (note: it worked - She's 25 now, speaks 5 languages and teaches at LaTrobe University :D) in lieu of childsupport, my dad took care of the mortgage he and my mother had bought together, and moved his half of the ownership into the names of my sisters and I.

Sob story aside - I learned damned hard and damned fast, that - guess what? no, life *isn't* fair, there's no "save me!" button, and if you want things, you work for them. You want something beyond your means? Bloody well save up then. The flashiest piece of shiat isn't a necessity, and there's very little in life that you actually *need*

Because you can sit there and bleat for shiny things all you want - it's not going to get you shiat when the brutal fact is the money just isn't there.

It's held me in good stead now, which I'm bloody thankful for. I'm on my own two feet without any trouble, and I'm not in debt - scarily enough, I'm one of the staggering 4% of Australians who can claim that. My parents unfortunately learned the harsh lesson of babying with my older sister (almost 10 years) and she's in her 30's and STILL an entitlement whore. For farks sake, the woman earns a 6 figure salary and owes four figures on her credit card. My younger sister and I put ourselves through college, admittedly with help via government grants, and we're both doing fine.

They need to learn *not* to live beyond their means. Because when their parents are gone, they're farked. Completely.

Things are faaaaar better in my family now :) I know that if I really need it - my parents *can* bail me out. But I won't ask them. Why? because I don't need to. I get paid and the first things I do are pay rent (I do that weekly, easier to manage) get food, purchase a new ticket to get to work (don't drive) and take care of any bills.

THEN I look at what what shiny things I may or may not want.

It's called adult responsibility. And it's time it started getting laid about with a thick shovel.
2005-09-27 04:54:03 AM  

Sorry dude, no offense intended, but the majority of people in the world don't have a Lexus, and a lot of them manage to find girls. (Side note: the majority of Lexus owners didn't have them paid for by their parents.) Blaming the parents isn't going to get you girls. Finding girls who don't place so much value on conspicuous displays of wealth might.
2005-09-27 04:57:17 AM  
some parents are just like Nazi's

there's your godwin, now stop repeating the same ideas over and over..and over...and over! sheesh. parents are awesome by the way, so there.
2005-09-27 05:01:10 AM  
feistyALgal: Do you have anything to do with your parents now? Did they ever apologize to you for being utterly disgusting? Being out of the house before you graduated high school is harsh.

Once I hit puberty my parents lost their freakin' minds, forbidding me from dating, going to parties, etc. With that kind of background I didn't realize my parents were so harsh until I went to college. For a while my parents and I didn't talk much, but we eventually ignored what happened and moved on. We never did discuss it and I admit I never did really forgive them. My dad died when I was 28 and my mom just a few months ago. I'm a 32 year old orphan.
2005-09-27 05:05:42 AM  

How do you cut off your kids? My wife and I finally have the empty nest. It just seems weve gotten two more nests to deal with and pay for. We have a 22 yr old and an 18 yr old. They both insisted on moving out at 18. Theyre both college students that STILL ask for lunch money.

I bought both of them a nice car, pay their insurance, cell phones, tuition, etc, etc.

They both have jobs but it seems the only thing they pay is their rent. When I bring it up, Im the bad guy. Even with my wife. If I bring it up, its always an argument and Im the one that looks bad. Im 45 and ready to do a little traveling and vacationing.

My wife and I both make good money, but theres never anything left. I get 4 weeks vacation per year and this year Ive taken 4 days.

How can I convince them?

You need to sit them down and give them a cut-off date. Then stick to the plan.
2005-09-27 05:09:21 AM  
Wow! Got into this thread awfully late and several folks have already noted portions of dern good advice.

Still, I can't leave good advice un-given... hehe

I'm a single dad of a HS senior. We don't have alot, but he's always known that we will get him through 4 years of college - somehow. I only went through Comm College (and yes, my parents paid all but 1 quarter as I kept my grades up, I paid for books and all else.) and in this day and age, he needs more than that to get by.

Tuition is one thing, provided they keep their GPA up and don't start majoring in pool, beer, and the opposite sex. I am lucky that my son has a high GPA already, on the other hand, bad for him as I'll want a higher GPA limit. mwahahahaha...

Car insurance? I don't think so! I may help him buy a beater car (or a bit better than a beater - maybe...) but keeping it on the road legally is his problem. A bus pass, though, I can help with when he's short some month.

Cell phone? If its the nescessity folks say it is then he'll find a way to pay for it. Though I might be able to throw a pre-paid card his way every few months.

If he lives here, 10-15 percent of his checks will come to me and is plowed back into tuition and books. If he lives elsewhere, then it's on his dime.

Were I able to afford it I -know- I'd want to do all you are doing for your kids, but I still wouldn't.

He needs to get the connect in learning to manage his own money for basic things. IE: Should I get the $80/mo cell plan (and get the cool phone!) or can I get away with pre-paid cards. (makes em think whether they -really- need to make that call, too! lol)

Since you're already stuck, and your wife would prolly have a hissy fit if you cut them off in one stroke; as someone has suggested, wean em off gradually. Cell, insurance, etc...

You said you bought them nice cars. Let me guess, under your name/credit, so you have no choice but to keep up the insurance? Classifies as a sticky wicket alrighty. You might be able to refi them to your kids, depending on the lender, but if they default then they've dug a bit of a credit hole for a student to dig out of, and it don't sound like they've gotten much experience in monetary management... Consult your banker on this.

Anyways, wean em off however you can. They need it as much as you do. :)
2005-09-27 05:09:29 AM  
Tell them they either have to live at home, or pay for all their own stuff.

That's what my parents did.

/had to live at home because my shiatty part time job only paid enough to cover books and tuition
2005-09-27 05:12:20 AM  
Teach them not to ask.
I have 2 sisters that are constantly dependant on my parents. (Both are in their late 30's, live close by/with parents, failed marriages, foreclosures, kids they can't afford...If small "loans" from mom were foodstamps they'd be textbook white-trash.)

Dad was always honest with me, and I realized they didn't have any extra money. Therefore, No point in'll have to do it on your own anyways.

/They've given me about $200 in cash and prizes since I moved out at 19.
//Doing quite well (Exact opposite of siblings described above.)
///My parents want to live near me.
2005-09-27 05:17:20 AM  
you had sex? ... twice?
and now your complaining?
cutting your kids off is weak.
you know how hard it is to beg for money?
2005-09-27 05:21:47 AM  
Yeesh. Cut off an 18-year-old? That's a dick move, sorry.
Like it has been said, there's very little in place for financial aid when a parent refuses to pay tuition. Even grad students up to the age of 25 (i believe) have to give their parents' financial information when applying to programs. And depending on what school they are going to, the tuition can simply be out of reach for someone with a high school education.

So waaaah, waaaah. Daddy wants to go to Cabo, but Junior has dirty tuition!!! Sorry, Charlie. It's your parental duty to pay tuition. If you can afford it but you refuse to pay it, that makes you a dickhead.

As for insurance, erm, YOU'RE the one who bought them nice cars, ergo making their insurance more expensive. It's probably a good thing they have cell phones with a good plan. If they are abusing it, however, you have the right to put your foot down about that.

They pay their own rent!? And you're complaining they are getting a "free ride?" You're nuts. Rent is expensive. I'd say they are not freeloaders. They pay their own rent, probably their own food, toiletries, etc.

Would you rather your kids focus on paying their own way on everything or on getting the best education they can? Are your vacations more important than your children's futures? Or do you want them to go without basics, screw up their credit, or drop out/fail out of school due to financial hardships? Suck it up, daddy, you only have a few more years of this.

It sounds like you are just being a selfish beast.
2005-09-27 05:25:12 AM  
BTW, I hate martyrs.

I hate when people brag, "I never took anything from anybody in my life!" For pete's sake, sometimes the best thing in life is knowing when to ask for help.

I don't find people like that particularly admirable. I find them amazingly self-righteous and bullheaded.
2005-09-27 05:27:43 AM  
Tell the older one they are getting cut of in January.
Tell the other one they are getting cut off when they are the same age.

At least you have a deadline, and a reduction in spend until that time. And no accusations of favouritism.

/fact is they'll still come back to you, but maybe only when they really need it.
2005-09-27 05:27:53 AM  
And ANOTHER thing, it's impossible to work full time and go to many universities. Most students who say they do both go to some crap school.

The amount of work, plus the times mandatory classes are available, puts the kibosh on that. I also don't think one can get a full academic experience when working so much.

And that's my last word on that. This thread has made brokenmoon ANGRY.
2005-09-27 05:30:51 AM  
brokenmoon Asking for help is one thing...expecting to be bailed out 24/7 when you're unwilling to face the big bad scawy world is another.

People who cut their own nose off to spite their face, living in a shiathole when they could just get help are arsehats. But people genuinely managing to make it on their own, even if they're not living a life that's full of priviledge and toys that society thinks for some reason they *have* to have...Good on them, says I.
2005-09-27 05:32:39 AM  
Learn how to say NO and quit being their willing enablers.
2005-09-27 05:40:38 AM  
Taleyabrokenmoon Asking for help is one thing...expecting to be bailed out 24/7 when you're unwilling to face the big bad scawy world is another.

People who cut their own nose off to spite their face, living in a shiathole when they could just get help are arsehats. But people genuinely managing to make it on their own, even if they're not living a life that's full of priviledge and toys that society thinks for some reason they *have* to have...Good on them, says I.

Agreed. My rant was coming from a coworker who claims his parents are millionaires but that he paid for everything through college and went days without food.

I don't know if I believe him, but if it's true, then he's an idiot. There's no reason to go hungry if you can call your parents and ask for ramen money. He acted like he was some big hero because of it.
2005-09-27 05:44:02 AM  
Oh, and if they take the "live at home" option then make them do jobs to earn their keep. I don't mean little chores like taking out the trash or doing laundry, like most teens do, I mean stuff like painting the house or helping dad remodel some rooms. Jobs that require days, weeks or months of hard work.
2005-09-27 05:48:18 AM  
brokenmoon: Cut off an 18-year-old? That's a dick move, sorry. [ ... ] Even grad students up to the age of 25 (i believe) have to give their parents' financial information when applying to programs. [ ... ]

So waaaah, waaaah. Daddy wants to go to Cabo, but Junior has dirty tuition!!! Sorry, Charlie. It's your parental duty to pay tuition. If you can afford it but you refuse to pay it, that makes you a dickhead.

I might be misunderstanding, but I think you have the submitter confused with some other stories in the thread. The kids won't be completely cut off, I don't think -- tuition is paid for by the parents, which is a big difference between a complete cut off.

Anyhow, several people (myself included) were cut off completely at 18 and lived to talk about it on Fark. It's not the end of the world.
2005-09-27 05:55:20 AM  
[image from too old to be available]

Hey! You get out of my house you freeloading hippy or I'll kick you in the nuts!
2005-09-27 05:55:53 AM  
stabbyjones: Can i have some money cause i can't afford to leave home and go to uni at the same time?
parents: Uh nope.
stabbyjones: kay. :(
2005-09-27 06:04:36 AM  
Um... how about not raising them to be leeches.
2005-09-27 06:05:14 AM  
I finished university about a year ago and my parents fully supported me - both earning less than what I'm now on.

Provided you've raised your kids right, they'll thank you for it when they can. My folks are getting half a trip to Australia paid for as a christmas present.

Sad fact is that kids are dependent on their parents until they get their first real job, not until they leave home. This is pretty much a constant in any country - asshats collecting welfare and pretending to look for work are more important than students trying to better themselves.
2005-09-27 06:05:16 AM  
It's not being cut off. It's how and why you're cut off.

I was cut off, I think, because my parents didn't like being parents. My only sibling was a minority enlistment in the Navy for the same reason. Pushed out of the nest like BAM. We got out as soon as we could, wouldn't go back or ask for money even if one of our kids needed a heart transplant, because we know they're "set in their ways" and "need to think about their own needs."

Mom wrote great letters through the years and for the first few years was a great long-distance grandma. She's given that up this year because of 23-year old grudges against my husband, however.

There's GOT to be a happy medium. I think our poster here is a much much better parent than mine were. But yeah, it IS time to start shifting the load onto the younger backs.
2005-09-27 06:16:12 AM  

Agreed. My rant was coming from a coworker who claims his parents are millionaires but that he paid for everything through college and went days without food.

I don't know if I believe him, but if it's true, then he's an idiot. There's no reason to go hungry if you can call your parents and ask for ramen money. He acted like he was some big hero because of it.

I call dicknose. farking idiot. I've skipped a few meals, but that's chiefly because (and I freely admit it) I was an idiot and forgot to bring in food at work (I work 9 hour shifts - graveyard and there's dick all open)

What's the point of starving yourself for your education? It's not noble, or wonderful, it just shows how farking PISS POOR you are at managing resources. The world's not gonna die if you defer a couple classes to get some cash up. In fact, my other half is looking at doing that right now - he knows I'll help out, but he doesn't want to be a leech.

Jesus christ, even if you're back against the wall broke, there's always soup kitchens and shiat...
2005-09-27 06:17:02 AM  
It seems to me that he ought to know what the kids are spending the money on. Do they "need" the money for food, or do they "need" the money for beer? Why don't they get a job or work more hours? Is is because that wouldn't leave enough time to go to class and finish homework, or because it wouldn't leave enough time to go to the awesome parties? Similar questions apply with cars, cellphones, and a bunch of other stuff.

If you cut the funding without knowing the answers to these questions, you may be teaching them important life lessons about self reliance and sacrifice, or you may be dooming them to academic failure and several years of exhaustion and embitterment, wasting the tuition money you're sending them while you're at it. College should be hard work, but it should be possible.

Also, the kids who got tossed out at age 18 or whatever probably had been learning more self reliance and money saving skill for a long time. It seems a bit late to just expect for them to come up with those skill instantly.
2005-09-27 06:17:25 AM  
I have a 25 year old daughter, had to buy her a house to get her out of ours, she has a husband and two kids, we still pay for her car insurance, her car payment, her cellphone, and I just found out that hubby is buying her dog food for her dog. They both have jobs and she is attending school "again" working on her third degree, he entered the Homeland Security Program at the college, which we are paying for. Believe me you never "cut them off"...It goes on forever....Im ready for traveling and all that good stuff also...but dont think it is gonna happen anytime soon. Did I mention that her car is newer than mine? geesh...
2005-09-27 06:18:06 AM  
fiscal restraining order, they are to never mention money to you or they will go to jail.

california is a nice state.
2005-09-27 06:19:58 AM  
Geez, do you prents here WANT your kids to do well in college? Forcing them to take on a college workload AND work the 40-60 hours a week they'd need to to pay for their own car, insurance, phone, apartment, food, etc will ensure they do crap in college.

Cut them off AFTER they get out of college and have a job.

Telling them you'll do so MIGHT even cause them to decide they'd like a free ride for a little longer and go to college for another four years! And then they'll have a really good education, and be in a good position to geta number of different high paying jobs. And isn't that what you want for your kids? Or would you rather they work at Burger King while in college to pay the bills, get poor grades, and then continue working as Burger King managers with a college education when they get out?
2005-09-27 06:22:44 AM  
I forgot to mention that we also pay for her son to go to a nice private catholic school. I dont mind this, just thought I would mention it.
2005-09-27 06:25:13 AM  
Just_one_more, your responsibility to your children isn't to see that they maintain a standard of living; it's to see that they're cared for. Tuition and health insurance I can understand- those are necessities, and health insurance purchased from the university isn't always the greatest. But your financial assistance should be limited to that. Cell phone plan: gone at renewal time. Car insurance: have your kids get a job. I BOUGHT my first car at 17 from my parents, and have paid in full my insurance ever since. I put myself through college and am now a grad student. There is no excuse for not working as an undergraduate at least, and using that money for bills. I left undergraduate study with $13,000 in loans, and repaid all in two years at a grunt job before going back for my graduate degree. Leaving college with debt isn't the end of the world if you manager responsibly thereafter.

And on a waaaay earlier post, the system isn't set up for parents to pay; the "system" is set up to take advantage of the fact that nearly everyone qualifies for federal loans.
2005-09-27 06:31:50 AM  
You need to cut them off. Point is you created this situation.

First off you bought them each a car. That's really nice, but it doesn't teach them anything. My first car was a tapped out Topaz that I drove into the ground. It cost me about $1000, I worked on it and rebuilt the engine until it was running right. It took a lot of work, but it worked out in the end.

I never got a cell phone from my folks, or a TV, or a weekly handout even though they could have easily afforded it. At best, I got a roof over my head for a 1 year period when I was laid off and couldn't find solid work.

I learned the hard way that it's a cold world out there and when it really comes down to it, I'm the only person I can rely on.

You need to show your kids that that's the world they live in, not the one where Mommy and Daddy bail them out every time there's a problem. They need to learn responsibility and they can't get that where they are now.
2005-09-27 06:33:48 AM  

Exaclty what I was thinking. Any decent university course is going to be basically 9-5 plus coursework - how do you fit anything but a part time job around that?


Your daughter should be absolutely ashamed to be "living off mummy" still. Sometimese parental support is essential - like when my sister, a 23 year old mostly unemployed actress, had the choice of basically being bankrupt or moving back home for a while - but paying for luxuries like cellphones and higher education? Tell her to pay her own damn way.
2005-09-27 06:48:58 AM  
Dont cut off your kids, that will make them hate you as they grow older. But you should explain to them that they cant depend on you for everything. Kids always look for their parents for advice and guidance because parents will do anything to protect their child. I dont care how old anyone is, you always look to your parents for guidance and advice.
I grew up in a house where my dad went out to bring the bacon and my mother cooked it. She did everything for my older siblings and myself. She cooked for us, made our beds in the mornings, cleaned our rooms, picked up after us, did our laundry, etc. She also taught us self respect and to respect others. When my mother left with my dad for his business trips, let me tell was DIFFICULT! I learned how to work the dishwasher at 19 and didnt know you had to rinse then put it in the dishwasher, but it all paid off once my mother told me Im the youngest and the last one out of the house(my older 2 siblings finished college and have high paying jobs; they are out of the house and no they are not drug addicts or spoil idiots), my mother also told me its time to take responsibility and to look forward of having a life of my own.
For those parents who want to cut off their child after they turn 18 are absurd. Why cut off your own DNA molecule, you created just because of a number? Never do that, it only makes things alot tougher. I know many college students who work and are full time students, plus with the stress of college Im surprised not many kids are going nuts. Another thing, raise your kids right and they will do good. My parents spoiled my brothers and I rotten, gave us anything we wanted...did we fark up? Nope, brothers both graduated college, 1 started his business and is doing great, the other has an engineering degree working on his masters. Its about teaching your kids the value of life and knowing what choice to make, its not about "just raising them till they reach 18", its about to love, protect, and give advice to. Alot of parents ask themselves what they did wrong when their child isnt leaving after 18, I mean you want them to move out when they cant even buy alcohol for themself whenever they want it? You act like your kids are a burden to you, if they are...tell them you want them out, but expect them to put you in a nursing home when you get old because of the jerk things you pulled when they needed you the most in life.
P.S. You`re only 45, you have more life to me you can travel when you are 50, its not the end of the world; but then agian I`m not white, Im ethnic...and I often wonder why most white kids are screwed up..............
2005-09-27 06:51:41 AM  
GaryPDX:'s going to happen for the next 10 years until they are solid on their feet. Just say no once in a while.

Sorry it only happens when parents let it happen. My parents showed me the road the day after graduating high school. I have never begged money off of my parents since getting my own job at 15. I've bought every car I've ever owned all on my own. the only thing My dad ever did was cosign on my first loan and if I had farked that up I wouldn't be here typing right now.

Lock the doors , move and don't leave a forwarding address, if the old lady is siding with the kids send her to live with them. Like you I'm old enough that I'm not paying the kids way, I have too many things I want to do with MY money
2005-09-27 06:58:25 AM  

Put your foot down and cut the umbilical, no matter what your wife says. This is an important part of maturing, and if you don't do it, your kids are going to end up leeches. The one thing you might need to be wary of, of course, is whether she'll go behind your back and continue spoiling them anyway (I've seen that happen before in a situation much like this one with some folks I know).

What it boils down to is that you're right. What I suggest you do is start tracking every penny that gets spent on your children, especially the 22 year old. When they either graduate college (if the 22 year old hasn't done so already!) or drop out, require that they make payments to you on what you lent them and on anything else you lend them. Depending on the amount of cash they owe you (and they do owe you--- The free ride stops at 18), require payments of $200/month and start working up interest at your bank's rate for a loan of the same size. If they continue borrowing more money per month than they pay, they'll see their interest/payment rising. If they miss a payment, cut off any future loans until they catch up on all payments (and of course, don't let them borrow the money to make the payment).

Depending on your situation (ie, how much they already owe you), it may be best to just cut off future loans regardless, until they pay back what they owe.


'Course, really I'm just telling you to do what my parents did to me. Pretty much the same place most of the advice here comes from, I suspect.
2005-09-27 07:01:24 AM  
work out a diminishing financial support schedule that your wife can live with. show it to the kids and give them a copy. give them 6 or 8 months to ween themselves of the financial tit. Show them there is no reward in staying in the shrinking nest.
2005-09-27 07:03:08 AM  
I love reading posts from all the selfish 20 year-olds on this thread who sound just like your kids.

You should pay for college tuition, room and board. Nothing else **EVER**!!!! If they live at home after college, charge them rent or make them work around the house.

I know one guy at age 50 who resents his father for not disciplining him more when he was young, including making him work harder for what he has. His father paid for his post grafuate education, bought him a new car after he totaled his first new car. He's borrowed tens of thousands from his father and is ungrateful - because he's been taught that money is like fruit you pick from a tree, why should he be grateful for it??
2005-09-27 07:06:38 AM  
This is kinda funny because I have the reverse problem. I'm 23 and I help my parents out with by doing tons of stuff for my little brother. It always includes money and I end up fighting with my mom because I don't want her to pay me back. "I'm not taking your disability check for gas money mom I have a job."

Maybe I should just mooch an xbox or something and she will get sick of giving me money and stop.
2005-09-27 07:07:54 AM  

18 is the age of majority, and an integral part of the maturing process is recognizing when to make your child stand on their own two feet. It's a matter of taking off the training wheels. Your kids are probably going to fall a few times and likely "scrape their knees", but it's part of learning how to be an adult. When children turn 18, they can still get money from mom and dad, but at that point the money is a loan. A loan that will need to be paid back on a regular basis with interest.

Now in some sort of catastrophic situation, of course, love for family takes precedence over the lesson in growiing up, but such catastrophic situations are very rare and generally involve natural disasters or trips to a hospital, not getting that nice car or scoring a new TV.

It's extremely important to teach your children to act as adults. Letting them leech is keeping them as children: it stunts their growth into mature, contributing adults.
2005-09-27 07:10:44 AM  
Have them do what I had to do...join the Army. My parents refused to help so I saw an ad...a bonus, money, GI Bill, I get to blow stuff up, and free tuition. What else could I want? 5 1/2 years enlisted, and now I'm an officer with another 6 years. I love's is the best and the worst thing that has ever happened to me.
2005-09-27 07:15:55 AM  
Buy them a Totalfark membership! Workaholism will ensue!
2005-09-27 07:22:28 AM  
Late to the party. but your first problem is that you and your wife don't have a unified front. What ever you do for the kids, she will undermine. Show this thread to your wife. Have her talk to councellors. Try to work together, but if you can't come to a consensus, fight her tooth and nail. I've seen the discord that my office mate (many years my senior) has because he has a hard headed wife. I myself have a very hard headed wife (I only like the strong willed!) but when I think she's being ridiculous I reign her in. She does the same to me.

To add to the pile, I'll give you my example. I've worked since I was twelve. But My parents werevery generous and also gave me things, too. Through out college I had good paying jobs. And I blew all my money on partying and living the wild life. I graduate college with 12 grand in credit card debt.

It was the end of the road, and time to pay the piper. I lived frugally and after a year or two paid that all off.

Now I knew what the right thing to do was back in high school; a penny saved is a penny earned. But it wasn't until I was truly out on my own that the full realization hit; that I am solely responsible for my actions. Its a bitter pill that makes you a better person.
2005-09-27 07:24:38 AM  
When children turn 18, they can still get money from mom and dad, but at that point the money is a loan. A loan that will need to be paid back on a regular basis with interest.
Loan? Since when did borrowing money from your parents need to be paid back interest? That is absurd to pay back a loan you borrowed from your parents WITH interest. And people often wonder why kids resent their parents when the parents make them pay them back with interest, last time I checked your parents are not a loan company, they are people you look for guidance who will protect you in whatever you do. 18 isnt the age of maturity, you are still a child trying to figure out what you want to do in your life, its the age that the law considers you a adult, but how adult? You cant purchase a porno till you are 21 but you can be IN the porno at 18. You can work at strip clubs when you are 18 but to enter in a strip facility you must be 21. 18 is the age the LAW considers you to be an adult, but not those who have deep family values.
If you treat your children like crap when you turn old and grey they wont even look back at you. Karma baby...karma.
Im not saying to leech your kids, Im saying to teach them self respect, not to freeload on others, teach them that if they work hard by finishing school, getting a good job, teaching them that your parents cant bail you out all the time...they will turn out fine and not count on their parents for everything.
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