Let's get it out of the way at the top of the season.  There are two, yes, TWO, authorized primary targets.  They are the #5 car, and the #84 car.  The latter won't be here this evening.  You can yeet these one at a time, or preferably yeet them into each other, when they are at the same race.

Secondary idol targets are the #22, #24, and the #54.  I considered the #6, but considering how many times Horsie was caught cheating last year, NASCAR has their eye on him.  I'm also banking on NASCAR to fine the #11 team because Denny will probably criticize the shiatty car at some point before Daytona.

Anyone trying to smite any other car for some reason shall receive potato salad hermetically sealed in a mayonnaise jar sitting on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today.  Such a package is inbound to Daytona for NASCAR banning the Hail Melon because a couple of Hendrick Motorsports drivers groaned about it.

Coming soon:  the 2023 NASFARK Nickname Program.  It... expanded.  And I have to update it to reflect the Hail Melon ban.

NASFARK Driver Nickname List 2023
Can't Keep 'Em Straight Without A Program!
Created by Mztlplx (RIP), maintained by bluorangefyre and others, to track nicknames from the NASFARK Community

(a, b, etc. - alternate driver)
(Numbers not appearing in list are currently unused or planned to be unused)

Car No - Driver - Nickname

1 - Ross Chastain - Gallagher, Skidmark, Shiatstain, Wallrider, Gamer
2 - Austin Cindric -
3 - Austin Dillon - Asshat, Asstat, Because3, Not3, Grampa's Favorite
4 - Kevin Harvick - Happy
5 - Kyle Larson - Dammit, DammitKyle², KKKyle
6 - Brad Keselowski - Horsie, Krashalotski, BK, Kes, American Failroah, Secretariat, various horse names
7 - Corey Lajoie - The Face, The Face of D'oh, FaceCar
8 - Kyle Busch - Rowdy, KyBu, DammitKyle¹, Shrub
9 - Chase Elliott - Son of Awesome Bill, The Anointed One, NotJefe, The Chosen One
10 - Aric Almirola - Wallmirola, Almirollo
11 - Denny Hamlin - Denny Time, Surprise Buttsex
12 - Ryan Blaney - Blaney the Younger
14 - Chase Briscoe - Briscoe County Jr.
15 -
16 - AJ Allmendinger - Wallmendinger, Dinger
17 - Chris Buescher -
19 - Martin Truex Jr. - Truex the Greater
20 - Christopher Bell -
21 - Harrison Burton - The Mayor's Son
22 - Joey Logano - JLo, Slowgano, Blowgano, Jowy, vibratingjowy.gif, Ceiling Logano
23 - Darrell Wallace Jr - Bubba
24 - William Byron - Lord Byron, William Jennings Byron, NotJefe2, Look Ye Upon My Wreckage And Despair, Liberty Biberty
30 -
31 - Justin Haley -
34 - Michael McDowell -
38 - Todd Gilliland - Gilligan's Son
41 - Ryan Preece - Smoke's Chosen One
42 - Noah Gragson - Sir Pukesalot
43 - Erik Jones - Cubert
45 - Tyler Reddick - Reddit
47 - Ricky Stenhouse - Prince Consort Crumplefenders, Mullet, Duke Platerace, Wrecky Spinhouse, The Ex, Random Historical Fact
48 - Alex Bowman - Abow, Bowman the Front Rowman, Front Row Bow
50 - Conor Daly -
51 -
52 - Josh Bilicki -
53 -
54 - Ty Gibbs - Spoiled Brat Au Grandson
62 - Austin Hill -
77 - Ty Dillon - Crayons, Grampa's Least Favorite
78 - BJ McLeod -
78a - Josh Bilicki -
84 - Jimmie Johnson - JJ, He Who Shall Not Be Named (HWSNBN), Jim-meh
91 -
99 - Daniel Suarez - Dirty Suarez, Southbound Suarez


Others (Current Cup Inactive, Buschfiniwide, Trucks, ARCA, Other Series):

Paul Menard - Soulless Automaton, A <hardware item> from Menard's
Casey Mears - Who?
Brendan Gaughan - Gaughan Baby Gaughan, The Thrill is Gaughan
Ryan Truex - RyTru, Truex the Lesser
Jeffrey Earnhardt - Earnhardt 3.0, Earnhardt Vista, Min-E
Kasey Kahne - KAAAAHHHHNNNNE!, KK
David Gilliland - Gillilliland, Gilligan
Gray Gaulding - Gray Gosling
Trevor Bayne - Old Man Bayne, The Bayne Of His Existence
Cole Whitt - GetJiggyWhittIt, Hwhitt
Greg Biffle - The Biff, Bug Eyed Dummy
Regan Smith - Friggin' Smith
Grant Enfinger - Unsolicited Enfinger
Blake Koch - Black Koch
John Hunter Nemechek - Triple H, Aitches
Milka Duno - The Rolling Chicane
Ross Kenseth - Little K, Boring the Lesser, K2
Matt Crafton - Old Man, Foamy
Jeb Burton - Son of Wawd, JEB!
Joe Nemechek - Front Row Joe, Back Row Joe
Brett Moffitt - Little Mr. Moffitt
Justin Allgeier - Wallgeier, Wall Guy R
Brian Vickers - Xarelto, Awkward Conversation
Josh Wise - Dogeboy
Brian Scott - Great Scott!
Michael Annett - ANet, Cubby
Ryan Newman - Hello Newman, Neckless Automaton, Terminator, The Newbian, Strax
Matt DiBenedetto - The United Colors of DiBenedetto, Colors, Guido, DiBurrito
Anthony Alfredo - Sketti
Cody Ware - Cody B. Ware
Quin Houff - Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman
Jennifer Jo Cobb - JJC Missile
Cole Custer - Cold Custard, Chicken Cock
Jacques Villeneuve - J-Man, Jock Vell Nev, Newtown
Kimi Raikkonen - Jäämies (Iceman)
Loris Hezemans -
Landon Cassill - (Inform the King) The Cassill Has Fallen
Timmy Hill - Timmeh!, We're Going To Need Another Timmy
Boris Said - Saidhead
J.J. Yeley - Yeley
Joey Gase -


Verbed Drivers:
JJ Yeley - To "Yeley" (YAY-lee) (v.t.) 1. To cause a crash, especially in stock cars.
Pastor Maldonado - To "Maldonado" (mal-doh-NAH-doh) (v.t.) 1. To cause a crash, especially in Formula One.
Takuma Sato - To "Sato" (SAH-toh) (v.t.) 1. To cause a crash, especially in Indycars.


Events and Objects:
Fan Appreciation Tour - When a driver announces their retirement at the end of the season. Taken from Richard Petty's retirement season, first reused for Tony Stewart's retirement season due to the acronym describing his self-admitted size.
ARCA Brakes - Brakes you wouldn't trust on your passenger car placed on older stock cars.
Batman Protocol - Driver who is out with a concussion. Name taken from an early 1990s Snickers ad about a football player who had been concussed into thinking he was Batman, when those things were thought of as funny.
Hail Melon/Videogame Move - When a driver floors it, rides the wall through the corner, and prays they don't hit the crossover gate. Taken from Ross Chastain successfully executing this maneuver in the Fall 2022 Martinsville race. Banned by NASCAR because it wasn't a Hendrick Motorsports driver doing it.
The Idol - A mythical object first tasked to eliminate Jimmie Johnson from a race by all means necessary. Originally created by turbokat and powered by rubbing. Eventually powered by the remains of Chernobyl and Fukushima, wave engines, warp cores, the Large Hadron Collider, and Mztlplx's Tiny Buddha Shrine, and currently authorized to target the driver of the 5 car. Many idols have since been "created" and some are tasked with targeting other drivers. Some of the other idols are in the form of a Sonic Screwdriver or Transformers. The original idol can now target multiple cars simultaneously. Banned for use in open wheel motorsports.
The Big One - When around ten cars, give or take, are involved in one accident. Usually occurs at Daytona or Talladega.
Penske Package - Sugar free gummy bears and/or potato salad of poor freshness, the latter of which may or may not have been sealed in a mayonnaise jar sitting on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today, and/or sitting in a driveway on a hot day.

Owners/Teams/Crew:
Chad Knaus - Cheat Knaus
Darian Grubb - TheDarianGrub.jpg
Joe Gibbs - Coach, Saint Joe
Jack Roush - The Cat In The Hat
Richard Childress - Richer Children's Racing, Grampa, PopPop
Roger Penske - The Captain
Floyd Mayweather - Money


Historical/Retired:
Clint Bowyer - Clintyoucheatingbastich, Itchy Elbows, Itchy
Michael Waltrip - Mikey
Matt Kenseth - Mr. Boring, Kenseth Attack Robot (KAR)
Dale Earnhardt Jr. - Junior, Joonyer, Little E, Junebug
John Wes Townley - JWT, Serial Killer, Kidney Stealer, Segway, [REDACTED], VERY Awkward Conversation
Carl Edwards - Opie, Evil Opie, Coral
Tony Stewart - Smoke, Fat Tony, Soda Cookies
Jeff Gordon - El Jefe, Gor-Don, Jeffy, Wonderboy
Richard Petty - The King, King Richard
Dale Earnhardt - Senior, The Intimidator, Big E
Ernie Irvan - Swervin' Irvan
David Pearson - The Silver Fox
Terry Labonte - Texas Terry, Iceman
Benny Parsons - BP
Ned Jarrett - Gentleman Ned
Dale Jarrett - DJ
Darrell Waltrip - Jaws, DW, Shut Up DW
Ward Burton - Wawd
Donnie/Bobby/Davey Allison, Red Farmer, Neil Bonnett, Jimmy Means, Hut Stricklin - The Alabama Gang
Jamie MacMurray - JamieMac, MacMary
Harry Gant - Handsome Harry, The Bandit
Danica Patrick - Princess Crumplefenders
Brian France - Brainless Fat France the Least (and variations thereof)
Teresa Earnhardt - The Wicked Biatch of the South, The Ice Queen of NASCAR
Bobby Labonte - Ice Scoop
Ricky Rudd - Iron Man, The Rooster
Kurt Busch - KuBu, Outlaw, DammitKurt, Xanax, Meds
Jeff Burton - The Mayor