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(Psychology Today)   Researchers find flirting can harm a committed relationship. How YOU doin'?   (psychologytoday.com) divider line
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    More: Obvious, Flirting, Human sexuality, attractive strangers, Psychology, current partner, committed relationships, Attention, Unconscious mind  
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620 clicks; posted to STEM » on 16 Dec 2022 at 11:46 AM (14 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook



26 Comments     (+0 »)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
Private_Citizen [TotalFark] [OhFark]
2022-12-16 10:43:56 AM  
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Science by Romeo strikes again!
 
Rapmaster2000
2022-12-16 10:57:01 AM  
I'm 46 now, so the days of random women flirting with me have pretty much come to an end.
 
Uchiha_Cycliste [TotalFark]
2022-12-16 10:58:37 AM  
I can still flirt with my wife, right?
 
beezeltown [TotalFark]
2022-12-16 11:04:04 AM  
Married at 25, the occasional flirt was pretty normal, if not socially expected, while in my 20s. When some of those females came back with more than a passive, "harmless" flirt, i.e. more suggestive or outright aggressive pursuit (like blatant suggestions that we should "hook up," etc.), I stopped with the casual flirting. Things get awkward in a hurry when a coworker goes from chitchat to RTF, then I'm like "uh, I need to go home. Bye!"

In my 30s, I didn't push the flirt buttons. There were still a few instances of awkwardness, but not so many.

In my 40s, it has mostly disappeared. So much so that I was jolted last year when a reasonably attractive woman at the grocery store turned on the flirt signals...I was sort of taken aback. It was so out of the blue. I gave some goofy retort and moved along. Still, it was nice to know that I haven't fully devolved into a lumpy middle aged sack of shiat. Not yet, anyway.
 
Pinnacle Point [TotalFark] [OhFark]
2022-12-16 11:05:28 AM  
Lesbians are always aggressively flirting with my GF on the dance floor because she's way attractive and out of my league so people immediately assume I'm her gay friend. She can also shake her hips on the dance floor super rapid like a symbian device.
 
hobnail
2022-12-16 11:06:46 AM  

Rapmaster2000: I'm 46 now, so the days of random women flirting with me have pretty much come to an end.


Huh. I'm 45 and apparently I'm like catnip to post-menopausal women.

Uchiha_Cycliste: I can still flirt with my wife, right?


Go ahead, the rest of us sure do.
 
bostonguy [TotalFark]
2022-12-16 11:23:54 AM  

Pinnacle Point: Lesbians are always aggressively flirting with my GF on the dance floor because she's way attractive and out of my league so people immediately assume I'm her gay friend. She can also shake her hips on the dance floor super rapid like a symbian device.


Video or GTFO

/ kidding
// perhaps
 
bostonguy [TotalFark]
2022-12-16 11:31:16 AM  

Uchiha_Cycliste: I can still flirt with my wife, right?


No. But we can.
 
phedex
2022-12-16 12:09:15 PM  
A married friend of mine frequently asks me to go do things together one one one, and we text all the time.  we don't flirt in a sexual matter, but we have a great connection with each other.  I do try to keep her at arms length so that i don't become too attracted though, and I always worry that her husband would become jealous of us doing things together without him.

I certainly know that the women i'm friends with have always been a problem for whoever I'm dating, in any case.
 
Martian_Astronomer [TotalFark]
2022-12-16 12:31:43 PM  
I got ninety-nine problems, but attractive strangers flirting with me ain't one.
 
UndeadPoetsSociety
2022-12-16 12:53:14 PM  
I flirt incessantly, and it hasn't hurt either of my committed relationships. I dunno what the article is on about.
 
sxacho [TotalFark]
2022-12-16 12:59:58 PM  
I had a woman ask me for my number yesterday. It was weird. That's never happened before.
 
grumpfuff
2022-12-16 1:15:29 PM  
If flirting hurts a relationship, it's not the flirting that's the problem, it's the lack of trust.
 
chitownmike
2022-12-16 1:41:31 PM  

sxacho: I had a woman ask me for my number yesterday. It was weird. That's never happened before.


You were at the deli counter, weren't you?
 
beezeltown [TotalFark]
2022-12-16 1:49:58 PM  

sxacho: I had a woman ask me for my number yesterday. It was weird. That's never happened before.


I mean, you ran into her car...not really flirting.

/kidding

My friend, a recently divorced, 50 year old veteran, slightly overweight, grey haired, conservative type who never really did well with the ladies (except for his ex wife), has been dating. A variety of women. He's a nice guy, but was never a ladies man kind of guy. When we were hanging out recently, his phone was blowing up with two women texting him.

It's easy to get stuck in a pattern and be feeling like there's nothing cooking anymore. But that's not necessarily true.
 
Luneward
2022-12-16 1:57:47 PM  
beezeltown:

I mean, you ran into her car...not really flirting.

/kidding

My friend, a recently divorced, 50 year old veteran, slightly overweight, grey haired, conservative type who never really did well with the ladies (except for his ex wife), has been dating. A variety of women. He's a nice guy, but was never a ladies man kind of guy. When we were hanging out recently, his phone was blowing up with two women texting him.

It's easy to get stuck in a pattern and be feeling like there's nothing cooking anymore. But that's not necessarily true.

He probably has more confidence in himself now that he's older - or he started not getting in his own way.  I've always been a shy introvert with little self confidence, so I've never been a hit with the ladies even though I know I'm not hideous and am decently intelligence.  I've started caring less now that I'm in my 40s and have had a bit more luck in actually finding the occasional date at least.
 
Boudyro [TotalFark]
2022-12-16 2:08:19 PM  
Yeah, It's a good thing I wasn't in that study. I'd have broke it.

In a committed relationship I am done. I have no interest in anyone else. That doesn't remotely stop me flirting though.

Gonna establish that I am definitely hetero for this next part, because I will absolutely flirt with anyone, male female, young (but of age), old, LBGTQ+, straight, ugly or cute. The only time I'll hit the brakes on it is if someone takes it serious when I'm committed to someone else, or I'm not interested. It's no fun if it's not play. That's was always a stranger, not someone who knows me.

The deciding factor for me seems to be "is it amusing?"

And the reason I can flirt like that is anyone who knows me knows I won't commit to someone unless they really are it for me. So there is absolutely no seriousness behind my flirts at all at that point. I'm terribly unsophisticated about hiding my feelings so anyone I'm interested in are never going to have any doubts about how I feel about them, and I do not tolerate that particular jealous mix of paranoia, insecurity, and neediness in a partner.
 
Dr Dreidel
2022-12-16 2:34:44 PM  

Luneward: beezeltown:

I mean, you ran into her car...not really flirting.

/kidding

My friend, a recently divorced, 50 year old veteran, slightly overweight, grey haired, conservative type who never really did well with the ladies (except for his ex wife), has been dating. A variety of women. He's a nice guy, but was never a ladies man kind of guy. When we were hanging out recently, his phone was blowing up with two women texting him.

It's easy to get stuck in a pattern and be feeling like there's nothing cooking anymore. But that's not necessarily true.

He probably has more confidence in himself now that he's older - or he started not getting in his own way.  I've always been a shy introvert with little self confidence, so I've never been a hit with the ladies even though I know I'm not hideous and am decently intelligence.  I've started caring less now that I'm in my 40s and have had a bit more luck in actually finding the occasional date at least.


Also, don't discount the fact that as a (presumably straight, presumably cis) guy, he may not have the best picture of what women look for in a man. Also, IME women in their 30s and up look for VERY different things than women in their 20s do.

// so he may want to look like GI Joe, but if his potential suitors would rather he look like an Old Andy Dwyer who put in the slightest effort at the gym, he should maybe aim for the attainable latter goal
 
SumoJeb [OhFark]
2022-12-16 4:40:03 PM  
Tell me about it.
I'll tell Ms. Jeb she looks pretty today and her response is, "Not so much yesterday?"
For the sake of our relationship I really should move into the shop.
 
studebaker hoch
2022-12-16 5:37:03 PM  

SumoJeb: Tell me about it.
I'll tell Ms. Jeb she looks pretty today and her response is, "Not so much yesterday?"
For the sake of our relationship I really should move into the shop.


I'd be looking for the ejection handles.
 
Wasilla Hillbilly
2022-12-16 6:31:01 PM  
I was never one for the subtlety of flirtations.

/"you know she was flirting with you, right?"
//"what? nah...really?"
 
UndeadPoetsSociety
2022-12-16 9:13:22 PM  

phedex: A married friend of mine frequently asks me to go do things together one one one, and we text all the time.  we don't flirt in a sexual matter, but we have a great connection with each other.  I do try to keep her at arms length so that i don't become too attracted though, and I always worry that her husband would become jealous of us doing things together without him.

I certainly know that the women i'm friends with have always been a problem for whoever I'm dating, in any case.


That's kinda farked up, no offense. Your partner controlling who you spend time with is a massive relationship red flag. It's one of the things that shows up on every list of signs a relationship is/is going toxic. It's honestly really creepy how normalized this shiat is in heteronormative* relationships. Like, my bf goes off on a weekly basis, spends ten or twelve hours with a friend, I don't even know the friend's gender. It's not relevant. My spouse is down at the strip club on Tuesday sometimes dancing, friends with a lot of the strippers, does a fair amount of flirting too. So I hear, anyway, I work on Tuesday nights. Likewise, they don't interrogate me about how or with whom I spend my time
*Including, in this case, what might be called performative monogamy, this whole business of shunning friends of the same gender as your partner.
 
FormlessOne
2022-12-17 12:06:46 PM  
Don't care. Staying home.

Seriously, got all the wife I want & need here at home. Happy to skip looking, no need to flirt.
 
FormlessOne
2022-12-17 12:10:31 PM  

Boudyro: Gonna establish that I am definitely hetero for this next part, because I will absolutely flirt with anyone, male female, young (but of age), old, LBGTQ+, straight, ugly or cute. The only time I'll hit the brakes on it is if someone takes it serious when I'm committed to someone else, or I'm not interested. It's no fun if it's not play. That's was always a stranger, not someone who knows me.

The deciding factor for me seems to be "is it amusing?"


That was definitely me, until I got married.

The woman quietly snoring in our bedroom right now gets all of that, all for her, until one of us croaks or bails.
 
phedex
2022-12-17 7:54:15 PM  

UndeadPoetsSociety: phedex: A married friend of mine frequently asks me to go do things together one one one, and we text all the time.  we don't flirt in a sexual matter, but we have a great connection with each other.  I do try to keep her at arms length so that i don't become too attracted though, and I always worry that her husband would become jealous of us doing things together without him.

I certainly know that the women i'm friends with have always been a problem for whoever I'm dating, in any case.

That's kinda farked up, no offense. Your partner controlling who you spend time with is a massive relationship red flag. It's one of the things that shows up on every list of signs a relationship is/is going toxic. It's honestly really creepy how normalized this shiat is in heteronormative* relationships. Like, my bf goes off on a weekly basis, spends ten or twelve hours with a friend, I don't even know the friend's gender. It's not relevant. My spouse is down at the strip club on Tuesday sometimes dancing, friends with a lot of the strippers, does a fair amount of flirting too. So I hear, anyway, I work on Tuesday nights. Likewise, they don't interrogate me about how or with whom I spend my time
*Including, in this case, what might be called performative monogamy, this whole business of shunning friends of the same gender as your partner.


Oh, I agree.  If you don't trust me to not become sexual with my friends, you're not worth it.  The last gal I dated absolutely lost her shiat because i share my netflix with someone else and *gasp* it's a woman.  it was a blow up that lead to me figuring out how I was going to break up with her.

I can understand to some extent, though.  if I was with a woman and all the things she loved to do, I didn't do so she did them with some other guy... i would figure out pretty quick (and have!) that we're not pair material.   The one i'm most close to right now, it's kind of like that where some of the stuff we do, it's the sort of thing where i can't begin to understand why her man isn't doing them with her, because if it was me we'd being doing them as a couple, because she's amazing.

I probably just have a little smitten thing going on with her if I'm being honest, but what we have fills a bit of a void in my heart that I wouldn't get without her.  I respect the unspoken boundaries there and just enjoy having someone to do shiat with that isn't one of my aggro friends.
 
UndeadPoetsSociety
2022-12-17 10:11:12 PM  

phedex: UndeadPoetsSociety: phedex: A married friend of mine frequently asks me to go do things together one one one, and we text all the time.  we don't flirt in a sexual matter, but we have a great connection with each other.  I do try to keep her at arms length so that i don't become too attracted though, and I always worry that her husband would become jealous of us doing things together without him.

I certainly know that the women i'm friends with have always been a problem for whoever I'm dating, in any case.

That's kinda farked up, no offense. Your partner controlling who you spend time with is a massive relationship red flag. It's one of the things that shows up on every list of signs a relationship is/is going toxic. It's honestly really creepy how normalized this shiat is in heteronormative* relationships. Like, my bf goes off on a weekly basis, spends ten or twelve hours with a friend, I don't even know the friend's gender. It's not relevant. My spouse is down at the strip club on Tuesday sometimes dancing, friends with a lot of the strippers, does a fair amount of flirting too. So I hear, anyway, I work on Tuesday nights. Likewise, they don't interrogate me about how or with whom I spend my time
*Including, in this case, what might be called performative monogamy, this whole business of shunning friends of the same gender as your partner.

Oh, I agree.  If you don't trust me to not become sexual with my friends, you're not worth it.  The last gal I dated absolutely lost her shiat because i share my netflix with someone else and *gasp* it's a woman.  it was a blow up that lead to me figuring out how I was going to break up with her.

I can understand to some extent, though.  if I was with a woman and all the things she loved to do, I didn't do so she did them with some other guy... i would figure out pretty quick (and have!) that we're not pair material.   The one i'm most close to right now, it's kind of like that where some of the stuff we do, it's the sort of thing where i can't begin to understand why her man isn't doing them with her, because if it was me we'd being doing them as a couple, because she's amazing.

I probably just have a little smitten thing going on with her if I'm being honest, but what we have fills a bit of a void in my heart that I wouldn't get without her.  I respect the unspoken boundaries there and just enjoy having someone to do shiat with that isn't one of my aggro friends.


Sometimes interests just don't overlap. I'd love to go on a romantic paddle down the river, but neither Spouse nor BF will be caught dead in a boat of any description. I've got a date with a lovely femme set for whenever she's able to visit town for that.
 
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