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(Fark)   What do you call people who are crazy about money? Dough nuts. It is your Thursday Bad Joke thread. How is your autumn treating you?   (fark.com) divider line
    More: Amusing, UEFA Champions League, Staten Island Ferry, Bye bye, Staten Island, Cascading Style Sheets, The Legend of Zelda, Stephen Colbert, community members  
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65 clicks; posted to Discussion » on 06 Oct 2022 at 9:00 AM (8 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook



45 Comments     (+0 »)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2022-10-06 12:17:37 AM  
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween?
...
Me: Drunk!
 
2022-10-06 12:19:40 AM  
For Halloween; I'm going to write "Life" on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons.
...
Then brace for the broken windows..
 
2022-10-06 2:30:50 AM  
A time machine!

.
.
.


Knock knock
 
2022-10-06 4:20:35 AM  
Prospective mansion buyer: Hey, why this place no gotta halo statue?
Realtor: There's a angel in the fountain out front.
Prospective mansion buyer: That's a notta halo statue!
Realtor: So what do you consider a halo statue?
Prospective mansion buyer: You know it goes ring ring you pick it up and say: Halo Statue?
 
2022-10-06 7:21:25 AM  
How is your autumn treating you?

It's leaving me cold.
 
2022-10-06 8:02:38 AM  
What do the English do immediately after winning the FIFA World Cup?

Turn off the PlayStation
 
2022-10-06 8:04:03 AM  
Three men are discussing Adam and Eve

The Frenchman says "Adam and Eve must be French. They are beautiful, and naked, and have all the world's beauty before them."

The Englishman says "Not at all. They are residing in the most beautiful, perfect Garden. They must be English."

The Russian says "They are without clothes, they are forbidden from eating, they are talked to by snakes, and they are being told it's Heaven. They are Russian."
 
2022-10-06 9:50:45 AM  
Man: Doctor, I think I'm a dog.
Psychiatrist: Off the couch!
 
2022-10-06 10:49:56 AM  
My credit is so bad, I received a credit card offer that was PRE-DECLINED.
 
2022-10-06 1:25:04 PM  
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My husband and a friend became an accidental costume couple when they sat down at a Halloween show.
 
2022-10-06 1:35:32 PM  
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As a singer I sing at many funerals & I was recently asked by a funeral director to sing at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's Cemetery out near Indiana. As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost. Everyone that knows me knows I can be directionally challenged AND my navigation lost its signal.
I hate Sprint!!
Anyway, I finally arrived an hour late and saw that the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt bad and apologized to the guys for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to sing. The workers put down their lunch and began to gather around. I sang my heart and soul out for this man with no family and friends.
As I sang "Amazing Grace", the spirit began to move and the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I prayed a benediction and started for my car, my head hung low but my heart so FULL.
As I opened the door to my car, I overheard one of the workers say, "I've never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently, I was still lost....
 
2022-10-06 1:35:48 PM  
I just told Alexa that Siri tells better jokes. All Alexa said was, "Are you Sirius?"
 
2022-10-06 1:36:01 PM  
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2022-10-06 1:36:14 PM  
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2022-10-06 1:36:28 PM  
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2022-10-06 1:36:43 PM  
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2022-10-06 1:38:05 PM  
Police have confirmed that the guy that fell off the 18th floor of the nightclub was not a bouncer.
 
2022-10-06 1:38:15 PM  
So what if I don't know what apocalypse means? It's not the end of the world!
 
2022-10-06 1:38:26 PM  
Jeff lost his job and began to drink way too much. We helped him get a new job for a wall company, but he still comes home plastered.
 
2022-10-06 1:38:45 PM  
My aunt thought it would be funny to put springs under their toilet seat. Her husband didn't laugh. As a matter of fact, he hit the ceiling.
 
2022-10-06 1:39:13 PM  
I wanted to take pictures of the fog this morning but I mist my chance. Hope I can dew it tomorrow.
 
2022-10-06 1:39:29 PM  
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2022-10-06 1:42:05 PM  
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2022-10-06 1:42:38 PM  
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2022-10-06 1:43:22 PM  
Did y'all hear about what happened to the Energizer bunny?

He got arrested for battery.
 
2022-10-06 1:44:19 PM  
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2022-10-06 1:44:39 PM  
I don't care how good of a detective you are, if you are STILL using a newspaper to cover your face..
You are behind the Times.
 
2022-10-06 1:45:10 PM  
Teams of forest rangers shoot grizzlies with sedative darts before approaching. There's safety in numb bears.
 
2022-10-06 1:45:32 PM  
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2022-10-06 1:45:52 PM  
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2022-10-06 1:48:10 PM  
Never go shark fishing with a friend who suddenly starts referring to you as "old chum."
 
2022-10-06 1:48:30 PM  
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2022-10-06 1:48:44 PM  
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2022-10-06 1:49:04 PM  
If you have no numbers on the front of your house, that is definitely something that needs to be addressed.
 
2022-10-06 1:50:00 PM  
The digital clock rode her bicycle past the grandfather clock and shouted, "Grandpa look! No hands!"
 
2022-10-06 1:50:55 PM  
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2022-10-06 1:52:10 PM  
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2022-10-06 2:02:43 PM  

Mojongo: Prospective mansion buyer: Hey, why this place no gotta halo statue?
Realtor: There's a angel in the fountain out front.
Prospective mansion buyer: That's a notta halo statue!
Realtor: So what do you consider a halo statue?
Prospective mansion buyer: You know it goes ring ring you pick it up and say: Halo Statue?


My mom used to tell this joke only it was much longer and more xenophobic.
 
2022-10-06 3:22:12 PM  
My wife asked me, "How come you're always coming home half-drunk?"
I replied, "Because I always run out of money!"
 
2022-10-06 3:28:29 PM  
A little kid walks into a whore house with a dead frog and a $100 bill.  "Give me your dirtiest whore," he says to the woman at the front desk. "And she has to have herpes!"

She accommodates his request, he does his thing with the prostitute, then makes his way downstairs again.  The woman at the front desk asks him, "I'm just curious--why would a young boy like you want to have sex with a sleazy prostitute who has herpes??"

"It's simple," he says.  "When I get home I'm going to have sex with the babysitter and give the herpes to her.  When my daddy drops her off, he'll have sex with her and catch it himself.  The next time he makes love to Mommy, she'll catch it.  Tomorrow when Daddy goes to work, Mommy will have sex with the mailman, and HE'S the bastard who ran over my pet frog!"
 
2022-10-06 5:06:11 PM  
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2022-10-06 10:33:59 PM  
I believe I am stealing this from another Fark thread, but I am definitely stealing.

What is the one thing you don't want to hear after giving Willie Nelson a blow job?

"I'm not Willie Nelson."
 
2022-10-07 4:38:54 AM  
I will never understand why manslaughter is illegal.
Men should be able to laugh at whatever they want.
 
2022-10-07 4:42:08 AM  
My grandfather has the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the Smithsonian National Zoo.
 
2022-10-07 4:47:37 AM  
My Grandpa is an addicted to viagra.
Grandma is taking it pretty hard..
 
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