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(Twitter)   Russian soldiers complain the Ukrainian surrender hotline is too busy   (twitter.com) divider line
    More: Amusing, shot  
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3533 clicks; posted to Politics » on 05 Oct 2022 at 5:18 PM (8 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook



115 Comments     (+0 »)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


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2022-10-05 4:20:20 PM  
Original Tweet:

 
2022-10-05 4:28:30 PM  
"Welcome to the Ukrainian surrender hotline.  We are currently experiencing higher than normal call volume.  Wait times may be longer than expected.  If you are a Russian soldier looking to surrender, please stay on the line and one of our friendly agents will be with you shortly.  You are caller number ... four ... hundred ... and ... fifty ... six.  Current wait time is approximately ... six ... hours.  Did you know that Russian soldiers who defect to the Ukrainian army may be granted permanent citizenship for valorous service?  Speak to our friendly agents to ask us how.  [Ukrainian national anthem music plays]"
 
2022-10-05 4:31:05 PM  
i.ytimg.comView Full Size


"Thank you for calling, my name is Peggy!"
"Yes... Yes... Yes..."
 
2022-10-05 4:37:39 PM  
The number is indeed ironic (800) авто для дітей
 
2022-10-05 5:06:37 PM  
So apparently the reason the Ukraine annexation was pushed through so fast is because...legally...Russia cannot send conscripts to serve in foreign territory.

But if that territory is now Russian...

Russian Mobilisation - what does it mean for the war in Ukraine?
Youtube 6hXnQNU8ANo
 
2022-10-05 5:12:13 PM  

gopher321: So apparently the reason the Ukraine annexation was pushed through so fast is because...legally...Russia cannot send conscripts to serve in foreign territory.

But if that territory is now Russian...

[YouTube video: Russian Mobilisation - what does it mean for the war in Ukraine?]


Infantry in the open without armor are just going to get f*cking obliterated.

Bye bye, Vanya.
 
2022-10-05 5:19:22 PM  
I wouldn't put it past the Russians to dedicate a few bots to call the number over and over again in a phone DDoS.
 
2022-10-05 5:20:40 PM  
149360821.v2.pressablecdn.comView Full Size
 
2022-10-05 5:23:04 PM  
Trumpers insist Russia is winning this conflict.
 
2022-10-05 5:23:09 PM  
Send in Project Veritas to check those phones.
 
2022-10-05 5:24:05 PM  
Zelenskyy: "We acknowledge there have been surrender hotline technical surges, but we've enlisted help from the west. Some American company called Comcast has assured us they're going to increase the bandwidth and automate the process a bit."

*soon...*

"Welcome to the Ukrainian military surrender hotline for Russian troops. Para Espanol, oprima el dos."
 
2022-10-05 5:24:07 PM  
Instead of surrendering, have you thought about bringing us Putin's head?
 
2022-10-05 5:25:18 PM  
This is why I always try to surrender using the website.
 
2022-10-05 5:25:31 PM  

OhioUGrad: Instead of surrendering, have you thought about bringing us Putin's head?


I'd buy that for a dollar!
 
2022-10-05 5:27:12 PM  

gopher321: So apparently the reason the Ukraine annexation was pushed through so fast is because...legally...Russia cannot send conscripts to serve in foreign territory.

But if that territory is now Russian...

[YouTube video: Russian Mobilisation - what does it mean for the war in Ukraine?]


Perun is fantastic!
 
2022-10-05 5:27:36 PM  
"Please stay on the line until you hear the whistling sound of incoming."
 
2022-10-05 5:28:11 PM  

Aetre: Zelenskyy: "We acknowledge there have been surrender hotline technical surges, but we've enlisted help from the west. Some American company called Comcast has assured us they're going to increase the bandwidth and automate the process a bit."

*soon...*

"Welcome to the Ukrainian military surrender hotline for Russian troops. Para Espanol, oprima el dos."


Comcast uses Nuance to build their IVR.  The lady on the line is named Marsha, and she makes crazy good money for her voice acting.  Like, $750 an hour on the recordings.
 
2022-10-05 5:29:18 PM  

iron_city_ap: Trumpers insist Russia is winning this conflict.


That's pretty much on brand to claim victory after a loss
 
2022-10-05 5:29:36 PM  
Contract out an Indian call center. Not only is it cheap, it'll be hilariously awkward to have Russia's buddies undermining them for a bit of cash.
 
2022-10-05 5:30:54 PM  

Aetre: Zelenskyy: "We acknowledge there have been surrender hotline technical surges, but we've enlisted help from the west. Some American company called Comcast has assured us they're going to increase the bandwidth and automate the process a bit."

*soon...*

"Welcome to the Ukrainian military surrender hotline for Russian troops. Para Espanol, oprima el dos."


I hope they realize their call is important to the surrender hotline, and that they continue to hold. Their call will be answered in the order it was received. [Muzak, Killing Me softly]
 
2022-10-05 5:31:03 PM  
please do the needful and hoist that white flag. A senior surrender specialist will be calling you back within 30 - 90 minutes. Here is your surrender # in the evnt you need further assistance
 
2022-10-05 5:31:09 PM  
Now is a good time to surrender. Winter combat sucks donkey balls.
 
2022-10-05 5:31:11 PM  

IvanTheSilent: Aetre: Zelenskyy: "We acknowledge there have been surrender hotline technical surges, but we've enlisted help from the west. Some American company called Comcast has assured us they're going to increase the bandwidth and automate the process a bit."

*soon...*

"Welcome to the Ukrainian military surrender hotline for Russian troops. Para Espanol, oprima el dos."

Comcast uses Nuance to build their IVR.  The lady on the line is named Marsha, and she makes crazy good money for her voice acting.  Like, $750 an hour on the recordings.


Wonder how big a raise she'd get for suddenly learning Ukrainian and Russian...
 
2022-10-05 5:31:36 PM  
I thought the Russian conscripts were forced  give over all cell phones upon admission so they couldn't phone home to describe how absolute shiat their conditions were in
 
2022-10-05 5:31:58 PM  
Good. Russians don't deserve to have hotlines that answer promptly.
 
2022-10-05 5:32:35 PM  

gopher321: So apparently the reason the Ukraine annexation was pushed through so fast is because...legally...Russia cannot send conscripts to serve in foreign territory.

But if that territory is now Russian...

[Youtube-video https://www.youtube.com/embed/6hXnQNU8ANo]


Phew.  I would hate for Putin to be breaking the law invading Ukraine.

As for these calls, the wait times are totally a ploy to keep the lines open for the drone pilots.
 
2022-10-05 5:32:48 PM  

berylman: I thought the Russian conscripts were forced  give over all cell phones upon admission so they couldn't phone home to describe how absolute shiat their conditions were in


Maybe the Ukrainians just let the Russians steal cell phones that have the surrender app already installed?
 
2022-10-05 5:33:43 PM  

berylman: I thought the Russian conscripts were forced  give over all cell phones upon admission so they couldn't phone home to describe how absolute shiat their conditions were in


They can't call home anyway. Cell phone is potato.
 
2022-10-05 5:33:48 PM  
Fight your way back to Moscow. You'll face much less danger going that route than if you stay in Ukraine.
 
2022-10-05 5:34:10 PM  

berylman: I thought the Russian conscripts were forced  give over all cell phones upon admission so they couldn't phone home to describe how absolute shiat their conditions were in


All it takes is a working landline somewhere in a (soon to be unoccupied) occupied town, and some knowledge of what number to call. ...Wonder how they're getting that number, by the way. Are Ukrainian planes dropping leaflets? I honestly don't know.
 
2022-10-05 5:34:12 PM  
Spanish Flea
Youtube aBE9EQ7gXKI


Please hold.  Your call is very important to us.
 
2022-10-05 5:34:30 PM  
Why not just have a basic surrender guide sent with the text to help.  Strip naked and head towards the Ukranian lines dragging your stuff in a ball behind you.

It'll be a long, cold walk.  But the alternative is a short hot flight.
 
2022-10-05 5:35:22 PM  

IvanTheSilent: Aetre: Zelenskyy: "We acknowledge there have been surrender hotline technical surges, but we've enlisted help from the west. Some American company called Comcast has assured us they're going to increase the bandwidth and automate the process a bit."

*soon...*

"Welcome to the Ukrainian military surrender hotline for Russian troops. Para Espanol, oprima el dos."

Comcast uses Nuance to build their IVR.  The lady on the line is named Marsha, and she makes crazy good money for her voice acting.  Like, $750 an hour on the recordings.


i was shocked how much money the folks who just do IVR work make. I wish i had a decent voice
 
2022-10-05 5:35:59 PM  
Feels So Good
Youtube FExBwfQHXlE


Please hold.  Do you know you can just run?  You're currently SEVENTEENTH in line.
 
2022-10-05 5:36:45 PM  

Aetre: Zelenskyy: "We acknowledge there have been surrender hotline technical surges, but we've enlisted help from the west. Some American company called Comcast has assured us they're going to increase the bandwidth and automate the process a bit."

*soon...*

"Welcome to the Ukrainian military surrender hotline for Russian troops. Para Espanol, oprima el dos."



Click here to install your RusSurr™ setup app from the Play Store

Oops! Download Failed! Try Again Later!

 
2022-10-05 5:38:08 PM  

Psychopusher: "Welcome to the Ukrainian surrender hotline.  We are currently experiencing higher than normal call volume.  Wait times may be longer than expected.  If you are a Russian soldier looking to surrender, please stay on the line and one of our friendly agents will be with you shortly.  You are caller number ... four ... hundred ... and ... fifty ... six.  Current wait time is approximately ... six ... hours.  Did you know that Russian soldiers who defect to the Ukrainian army may be granted permanent citizenship for valorous service?  Speak to our friendly agents to ask us how.  [Ukrainian national anthem music plays]"


"...... If you are a conscripted soldier, press 1.  If you are a prisoner that was promised freedom if you joined the Russian army, press 2.  If you are an oligarch who is hiding from Putin because you did not get together with the other oligarchs to pop some caps in Putin when you had the chance, press 0."
 
2022-10-05 5:38:08 PM  

Aetre: Zelenskyy: "We acknowledge there have been surrender hotline technical surges, but we've enlisted help from the west. Some American company called Comcast has assured us they're going to increase the bandwidth and automate the process a bit."

*soon...*

"Welcome to the Ukrainian military surrender hotline for Russian troops. Para Espanol, oprima el dos."


Worse: instead of Comcast, put Boost in charge of it.
 
2022-10-05 5:40:40 PM  

cheeseaholic: Why not just have a basic surrender guide sent with the text to help.  Strip naked and head towards the Ukranian lines dragging your stuff in a ball behind you.

It'll be a long, cold walk.  But the alternative is a short hot flight.


Security, mostly.

There's a video out of a Russian BMP surrendering at a specific checkpoint meant for the purpose, driving up with white flags and guns up in the air.  Ukrainian soldiers are spread all around it, in ditches, flanking it.

Interestingly enough, the Ukrainians are instructing all Russians to wear facemasks when they surrender, because if you surrender in Putin's Russia there are consequences.  There's another video of a Russian POW getting medical treatment and hot food, etc.

It's an odd balance of, "let's give them a way out" and "we need this structured and control the flow because this is still war".
 
2022-10-05 5:41:25 PM  

Rann Xerox: Psychopusher: "Welcome to the Ukrainian surrender hotline.  We are currently experiencing higher than normal call volume.  Wait times may be longer than expected.  If you are a Russian soldier looking to surrender, please stay on the line and one of our friendly agents will be with you shortly.  You are caller number ... four ... hundred ... and ... fifty ... six.  Current wait time is approximately ... six ... hours.  Did you know that Russian soldiers who defect to the Ukrainian army may be granted permanent citizenship for valorous service?  Speak to our friendly agents to ask us how.  [Ukrainian national anthem music plays]"

"...... If you are a conscripted soldier, press 1.  If you are a prisoner that was promised freedom if you joined the Russian army, press 2.  If you are an oligarch who is hiding from Putin because you did not get together with the other oligarchs to pop some caps in Putin when you had the chance, press 0."


"You have pressed 7. You have been introduced to a moral crime called teabagging. We suggest you promptly hang up the phone, beat the ass of any white guys you hung out with last night, and find and destroy all photos before they appear on the internet. Good luck! Goodbye."

[/old joke is old]
 
2022-10-05 5:41:31 PM  

Aetre: Zelenskyy: "We acknowledge there have been surrender hotline technical surges, but we've enlisted help from the west. Some American company called Comcast has assured us they're going to increase the bandwidth and automate the process a bit."

*soon...*

"Welcome to the Ukrainian military surrender hotline for Russian troops. Para Espanol, oprima el dos."


So now we'll have Russians calling Ukrainians and  getting Indians?
 
2022-10-05 5:44:06 PM  

iron_city_ap: Trumpers insist Russia is winning this conflict.


They still think they won the election two years ago
 
2022-10-05 5:45:19 PM  

IvanTheSilent: Aetre: Zelenskyy: "We acknowledge there have been surrender hotline technical surges, but we've enlisted help from the west. Some American company called Comcast has assured us they're going to increase the bandwidth and automate the process a bit."

*soon...*

"Welcome to the Ukrainian military surrender hotline for Russian troops. Para Espanol, oprima el dos."

Comcast uses Nuance to build their IVR.  The lady on the line is named Marsha, and she makes crazy good money for her voice acting.  Like, $750 an hour on the recordings.


think how much she could make if she only did it live
 
2022-10-05 5:46:32 PM  

stoli n coke: berylman: I thought the Russian conscripts were forced  give over all cell phones upon admission so they couldn't phone home to describe how absolute shiat their conditions were in

They can't call home anyway. Cell phone is potato.


Fark user imageView Full Size

Yep!
 
2022-10-05 5:48:23 PM  
Can't they just press "star" and hang up and an agent will call them later????
 
2022-10-05 5:49:47 PM  

kling_klang_bed: Aetre: Zelenskyy: "We acknowledge there have been surrender hotline technical surges, but we've enlisted help from the west. Some American company called Comcast has assured us they're going to increase the bandwidth and automate the process a bit."

*soon...*

"Welcome to the Ukrainian military surrender hotline for Russian troops. Para Espanol, oprima el dos."

Worse: instead of Comcast, put Boost in charge of it.


Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2022-10-05 5:52:44 PM  

Rann Xerox: Psychopusher: "Welcome to the Ukrainian surrender hotline.  We are currently experiencing higher than normal call volume.  Wait times may be longer than expected.  If you are a Russian soldier looking to surrender, please stay on the line and one of our friendly agents will be with you shortly.  You are caller number ... four ... hundred ... and ... fifty ... six.  Current wait time is approximately ... six ... hours.  Did you know that Russian soldiers who defect to the Ukrainian army may be granted permanent citizenship for valorous service?  Speak to our friendly agents to ask us how.  [Ukrainian national anthem music plays]"

"...... If you are a conscripted soldier, press 1.  If you are a prisoner that was promised freedom if you joined the Russian army, press 2.  If you are an oligarch who is hiding from Putin because you did not get together with the other oligarchs to pop some caps in Putin when you had the chance, press 0."


Press 13 to be called back, in the order your call was received-maybe, press 18 for department X, press Q becasue reasons, press 0 it does nothing just like the government you're fighting for or running from.
 
2022-10-05 5:53:08 PM  
I mean if I were Ukraine I'd be asking for where they are so they can send a Himars for the purposes of surrendering. Don't worry the rockets have surrender kits in them...
 
2022-10-05 5:53:32 PM  
School children learning about this conflict in a hundred years are going to think that what they're learning is about as historically accurate as S. S. Doomtrooper...

/ Children and schools existing in a hundred years * laughs quietly * sometimes my optimism surprises even me
 
2022-10-05 5:55:14 PM  
Worst hold music ever?
Youtube jM8XdUNhNmU
 
2022-10-05 6:00:34 PM  
"Press the pound sign to be connected to our 'Uber for Artillery' app. Please note: GPS location tracking must be enabled for this feature to work. Text, data, and incoming fire rates may be applied."
 
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