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(ads of brands)   The competition for "Most useless office perk in the world" is now open and accepting entries   (adsofbrands.net) divider line
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2459 clicks; posted to Business » on 02 Oct 2022 at 5:05 AM (9 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook



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2022-10-02 1:10:52 AM  
Can we go with all of them?
 
2022-10-02 6:32:03 AM  
"Certified" workplaces have to be up there. Companies love to brag about this kind of thing, but who actually cares?

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2022-10-02 7:10:26 AM  
The dog bed doesn't seem that useless especially with an office that allows dogs.
 
2022-10-02 7:13:08 AM  
Jeans on payday Friday if you paid a dollar.
 
2022-10-02 7:28:09 AM  

tedthebellhopp: Jeans on payday Friday if you paid a dollar.


When I used to work for Microsoft Ireland in 1998, there was a charity where, for a small donation, you'd buy the "right" to wear jeans on one day of the year.
Microsoft being very casual, we'd instead all come wearing suits on that specific day.
 
2022-10-02 7:31:12 AM  

tedthebellhopp: Jeans on payday Friday if you paid a dollar.


Yowza!  The jeans on Friday is pretty useless.  Assuming you aren't paid every Friday, limiting it to only payday Fridays is even more of a non-benefit.  The $1 fee, though, takes the cake.  What did they do with the money?
 
2022-10-02 8:03:50 AM  

LordBeavis: tedthebellhopp: Jeans on payday Friday if you paid a dollar.

Yowza!  The jeans on Friday is pretty useless.  Assuming you aren't paid every Friday, limiting it to only payday Fridays is even more of a non-benefit.  The $1 fee, though, takes the cake.  What did they do with the money?


I agree that TedTheBellhop has won. I was going to list business casual Fridays, which require every employee to own two work wardrobes or face questions about his clothing ALL day long. But being required to pay a dollar to wear jeans is worse.
 
2022-10-02 8:13:20 AM  
Golf on Fridays for the sales guys?  It's not really a perk, just expected.
 
2022-10-02 8:17:29 AM  
You worked 12 hrs late this week. You can leave at 4pm on Friday.

/thanks pal
 
2022-10-02 8:25:19 AM  
One year the company I worked for gave every one coupons for an oil change at one of chains. We were in NYC and a lot of people didn't even have a car.
 
2022-10-02 8:27:01 AM  
Fark user imageView Full Size

When your co-workers banish you to a fart pod.
 
2022-10-02 8:29:23 AM  

LordBeavis: tedthebellhopp: Jeans on payday Friday if you paid a dollar.

Yowza!  The jeans on Friday is pretty useless.  Assuming you aren't paid every Friday, limiting it to only payday Fridays is even more of a non-benefit.  The $1 fee, though, takes the cake.  What did they do with the money?


That's a good question, no one ever really knew. They got worse than that. When we moved offices the office manager and CEO went around asking for donations to "upgrade" the new breakroom fridge for in door water and ice.
 
2022-10-02 8:36:49 AM  
A long time ago, the new director declared "Casual Fridays". This was in the 90s, and we routinely wore jeans to work. I'm not sure what he thought he was accomplishing. He was pretty useless, as you might expect of a guy named "Trey" (the go to 1%er nickname for a guy with III after his name).

Anyway, in our department, this was the result.
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2022-10-02 8:40:51 AM  
"Free" snacks and drinks.

They inevitably result in dozens of "not a meal replacement for people expected to work through lunch" emails.

Keep your petty grievance perk.
 
2022-10-02 8:41:08 AM  
I worked at a Mechanical Engineering firm.  The coffee was free.  (Folger's, but free.)  Right alongside were packets of aspirin.  We noted the coffee pot and aspirin dispenser went down at the same levels.

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2022-10-02 9:07:27 AM  
Team-building exercises. As far as useless goes, this is a divide by zero.
 
2022-10-02 9:07:38 AM  

LordBeavis: tedthebellhopp: Jeans on payday Friday if you paid a dollar.

Yowza!  The jeans on Friday is pretty useless.  Assuming you aren't paid every Friday, limiting it to only payday Fridays is even more of a non-benefit.  The $1 fee, though, takes the cake.  What did they do with the money?


I've worked for insurance companies in the 90s and then in the mid teens.  In the 90s, man had to dress business with a tie, but a jacket was not required.  I was informed by a long time employee that it had been two years earlier that jackets were required, and men HAD to don their jackets when exiting their cubicles.  The second insurance company was casual (no tie).

Now, both companies would make a big stink about JEANS DAY THIS FRIDAY -- PAY $! to WEAR JEANS, and the rubes would get excited.  The money was said to have been collected for some charity.  People who paid had to wear a sticker which stated they were authorized to wear jeans.  Many people, manager on down, ponied up their $1 and proudly wore their sticker with their jean.  I never paid, because it's just plain stupid.  Then again, this being a Derp Red State, this kind idiocy around clothing is not surprising.  I spent over a decade as a Federal Contractor where they didn't care what we wore, so long as the clothing wasn't torn, frayed, and was in good taste.  I got bored wearing jeans there and switched to slacks.

Anyway, during my brief stint at the second insurance company, while a contractor, the manager hit me up for jeans day.  I declined, and he was dumbstruck.  I said, "I wore jeans (dungarees) for seven years in the Navy.  I don't see this as a big deal".  Oh man, he could not believe that and blathered on and on how he would love to wear jeans every day.

The issues with jeans, coffee carts, ping pong tables, and the other lame perks really show how infantile most adults are.  Especially those who whined and whined about their desire to return to the office during the pandemic.
 
2022-10-02 9:12:51 AM  
I think those table tennis type things are pretty useless.  Who is going to play with those things?  If you use them, someone will probably mark you down as not doing your job.
 
2022-10-02 9:19:55 AM  
No, I do not want any "perks".
I do not want to be anything "of the month".
I do not want a basket of chocolate or sausages.
If you have any time, energy, or wealth lying around that you wish to devote to making me feel better about you, or my job - GIVE ME A MOTHERF**KING RAISE.
 
2022-10-02 9:29:04 AM  
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2022-10-02 9:29:23 AM  

natazha: Team-building exercises. As far as useless goes, this is a divide by zero.


You consider team-building exercises a perk?
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2022-10-02 9:38:27 AM  

jso2897: No, I do not want any "perks".
I do not want to be anything "of the month".
I do not want a basket of chocolate or sausages.
If you have any time, energy, or wealth lying around that you wish to devote to making me feel better about you, or my job - GIVE ME A MOTHERF**KING RAISE.


c.tenor.comView Full Size
 
2022-10-02 9:40:58 AM  

Odd Bird: natazha: Team-building exercises. As far as useless goes, this is a divide by zero.

You consider team-building exercises a perk?
[Fark user image 259x194]


I have no problem with "team building".
Give me the tools, and a clearly stated purpose for it, and I will happily work to build you a team.
But let's be clear - that is WORK, that I am performing for YOU.
It is not a PERK that you are providing to ME.
 
2022-10-02 9:47:12 AM  
This is an ad, and their "pods" are creepy little work boxes in which you can't get privacy (bosses wanna see you in your pod, drone) but you can avoid bugging other people.

I do like that one of the features of the Framery One Premium is an activated carbon filter. Wouldn't want you stinking up the rest of the place with your gotta-ship flop sweat.
 
2022-10-02 9:49:29 AM  

rideaurocks: "Certified" workplaces have to be up there. Companies love to brag about this kind of thing, but who actually cares?

[Fark user image 419x255]


One of my friends spent years - and I mean years - training up on Six Sigma, on his own time and dime, because he thought it would give him a leg up on his competition at Boeing. When they laid him off because he forgot that he was also old and relatively unproductive, he lamented all that time wasted.
 
2022-10-02 9:52:43 AM  

Odd Bird: natazha: Team-building exercises. As far as useless goes, this is a divide by zero.

You consider team-building exercises a perk?
[Fark user image 259x194]


The managers do.
 
2022-10-02 10:03:04 AM  

LordBeavis: he $1 fee, though, takes the cake.  What did they do with the money?


When I worked at Wal-mart you would be paid on Friday but if you donated $1 to the Children's Miracle Network (the Wal-mart charity) you could have your paycheck on Thursday. Managers collected the $1 and I always assumed the money went to the charity - I had no inkling that there was fraud or theft because that just wasn't the thing of any of the managers I dealt with.

Anyways, there is a state law that says there must be a uniform payday, I.E., all employees must be paid on the same schedule and payday cannot "float" or be random or anything like that. One call to the state Department of Labor and they started letting EVERYONE get their checks on Thursday because it was illegal to restrict that to only people who donated $1.
 
2022-10-02 10:14:34 AM  

natazha: Team-building exercises. As far as useless goes, this is a divide by zero.


You're doing it wrong.
We called it "team drinking" for a reason.
 
2022-10-02 10:21:59 AM  
Onsite Apiaries.  Not a bad thought, but not really a benefit either considering where the typical office space is located.
 
2022-10-02 10:25:03 AM  

rideaurocks: "Certified" workplaces have to be up there. Companies love to brag about this kind of thing, but who actually cares?

[Fark user image 419x255]


Some purchasers really do care - anyone else probably not no
 
2022-10-02 10:34:48 AM  

natazha: Team-building exercises. As far as useless goes, this is a divide by zero.


I used to think that, until I worked with someone who had no social skills whatsoever. Had never played on a team, never been in any social setting that required him to show empathy for someone else. The dude constantly bragged about how expensive everything was that he owned, regularly threw people under the bus for petty sh*t, yet didn't understand why no one liked him.

I like to think that a team-building exercise might have helped him. Probably not, though
 
2022-10-02 10:44:33 AM  
Sleeping Pods
If you go for an interview, and they tout having sleeping pods so you can take a nap at work: RUN!

It's code for "we want you to work a lot , work late, and you don't need to go home just take a quick nap here and get your ass back to the grindstone."
 
2022-10-02 10:46:10 AM  

Too Tired to Think: Sleeping Pods
If you go for an interview, and they tout having sleeping pods so you can take a nap at work: RUN!

It's code for "we want you to work a lot , work late, and you don't need to go home just take a quick nap here and get your ass back to the grindstone."


Username.... definitely checks out
 
2022-10-02 10:46:17 AM  

pastramithemosterotic: natazha: Team-building exercises. As far as useless goes, this is a divide by zero.

I used to think that, until I worked with someone who had no social skills whatsoever. Had never played on a team, never been in any social setting that required him to show empathy for someone else. The dude constantly bragged about how expensive everything was that he owned, regularly threw people under the bus for petty sh*t, yet didn't understand why no one liked him.

I like to think that a team-building exercise might have helped him. Probably not, though


A team building exercise with him as a pinata might have helped, sure
 
2022-10-02 10:49:31 AM  

Odd Bird: natazha: Team-building exercises. As far as useless goes, this is a divide by zero.

You consider team-building exercises a perk?
[Fark user image 259x194]


No, but management often does.  Throw in some pizza that has been sitting at room temperature for several hours because the exercise ran over...
 
2022-10-02 10:55:54 AM  

tedthebellhopp: LordBeavis: tedthebellhopp: Jeans on payday Friday if you paid a dollar.

Yowza!  The jeans on Friday is pretty useless.  Assuming you aren't paid every Friday, limiting it to only payday Fridays is even more of a non-benefit.  The $1 fee, though, takes the cake.  What did they do with the money?

That's a good question, no one ever really knew. They got worse than that. When we moved offices the office manager and CEO went around asking for donations to "upgrade" the new breakroom fridge for in door water and ice.


last place i worked the lady admin would work the birthday cake donation at least monthly. good luck ever getting dick for your $5. i got smart, started saying no.
 
2022-10-02 10:57:50 AM  
The best perk I experienced was an onsite cafeteria with excellent food and great variety.  Meals were $15 to $18, but the company subsidized them.  So the cost to the employees was $5.
 
2022-10-02 11:03:26 AM  

rideaurocks: "Certified" workplaces have to be up there. Companies love to brag about this kind of thing, but who actually cares?

[Fark user image image 419x255]


ISO certification means you have written policies and procedures - not necessarily that you actually follow them.
 
2022-10-02 11:05:36 AM  
The very people who created this garbage are now complaining about how garbagy it all is.  Waaah, didn't you think that the Yoga-as-a-Lifestyle ad campaign was going to eat YOUR face?   You  farking shiat peddlers.   I hope your house is also covered with garbage consumerism, so that everyone can see how garbaby you are.   I hope your house burns down, from all the shiat you've created.
Well, yours probably won't, but the homes of many other poorer people will, and some will die.   You must be very proud of your contributions.

Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2022-10-02 11:09:02 AM  

pastramithemosterotic: natazha: Team-building exercises. As far as useless goes, this is a divide by zero.

I used to think that, until I worked with someone who had no social skills whatsoever. Had never played on a team, never been in any social setting that required him to show empathy for someone else. The dude constantly bragged about how expensive everything was that he owned, regularly threw people under the bus for petty sh*t, yet didn't understand why no one liked him.

I like to think that a team-building exercise might have helped him. Probably not, though


Anyone that manages to get that far and still be a pointless petty prick is just a pointless petty prick - all the woo in the world isn't going to change the fact that a shiatstain is a shiatstain
 
2022-10-02 11:12:14 AM  

AsparagusFTW: You worked 12 hrs late this week. You can leave at 4pm on Friday.

/thanks pal


That reminded me, I had a boss once in an office job who created a perk that I thought was cool. He called it the accelerated work week. Show up Monday at 9 am or whatever, but as soon as you hit 40 hours of productive work, you're done for the week. Go home. Some people worked 4 10 hour days and took Friday off. Most people actually worked Friday, but let at like noon It was a cool idea and I liked it.
 
2022-10-02 11:23:22 AM  
We have a large hopper outside the building that they occasionally put prizes in, but usually it's just a lot of useless garbage. You have to be persistent.
 
2022-10-02 11:32:47 AM  

FormlessOne: One of my friends spent years - and I mean years - training up on Six Sigma, on his own time and dime, because he thought it would give him a leg up on his competition at Boeing. When they laid him off because he forgot that he was also old and relatively unproductive, he lamented all that time wasted.

Decades ago I was looking for jobs and it seemed like every place wanted those Six Sigma folks. Some wanted Six Sigma "black belts," which was probably code for "paunchy guys in white short sleeved dress shirts with clip-on ties."

It seems like nowadays those people all call themselves a "project manager." I guess that's what you do when nobody cares about your Scrum Master certification anymore.

Fark user imageView Full Size

"I'm the only Scrum Master in the village."
 
2022-10-02 11:33:47 AM  
How can nobody on Fark have mentioned Hot Cocoa Sampler Boxes yet?
 
2022-10-02 11:36:18 AM  
For Christmas last year Caliva gave us each two ounces of ightstruck, unsellable weed from their second and third-tier product lines. It was nasty when it was fresh.
/it's illegal to give a person more than one ounce
//it's illegal to receive or possess more than one ounce
///Still more valuable than TPCO stock
 
2022-10-02 11:43:35 AM  

Some Junkie Cosmonaut: pastramithemosterotic: natazha: Team-building exercises. As far as useless goes, this is a divide by zero.

I used to think that, until I worked with someone who had no social skills whatsoever. Had never played on a team, never been in any social setting that required him to show empathy for someone else. The dude constantly bragged about how expensive everything was that he owned, regularly threw people under the bus for petty sh*t, yet didn't understand why no one liked him.

I like to think that a team-building exercise might have helped him. Probably not, though

Anyone that manages to get that far and still be a pointless petty prick is just a pointless petty prick - all the woo in the world isn't going to change the fact that a shiatstain is a shiatstain


He got that far by being marginally talented at his job and also a huge kissass.

Think Dwight Schrute
 
2022-10-02 11:54:01 AM  
The only perks I care about are pay, hours, and benefits. It would take a lot on those three fronts to convince me to go into an office again.

Now, give me something that has some real value...free onsite daycare? Company car for commuting? And maybe I'll think about.
 
2022-10-02 12:18:54 PM  

Glorious Golden Ass: The best perk I experienced was an onsite cafeteria with excellent food and great variety.  Meals were $15 to $18, but the company subsidized them.  So the cost to the employees was $5.


THAT is a great perk.

When we moved into our new building, the onsite restaurant got seriously upgraded. Started, main course and dessert for 5 to 6 bucks. During the "end" of the pandemic, when only a few of us came to work on site, they made some more efforts in the quality of the food in the name of morale. I paid 5 bucks for meals that would have cost me 20 to 30 in restaurants, and I live in Paris.
 
2022-10-02 12:19:32 PM  

pastramithemosterotic: natazha: Team-building exercises. As far as useless goes, this is a divide by zero.

I used to think that, until I worked with someone who had no social skills whatsoever. Had never played on a team, never been in any social setting that required him to show empathy for someone else. The dude constantly bragged about how expensive everything was that he owned, regularly threw people under the bus for petty sh*t, yet didn't understand why no one liked him.

I like to think that a team-building exercise might have helped him. Probably not, though


Homeschooled.  I've worked with a few like that.
 
2022-10-02 12:25:38 PM  

NathanAllen: "Free" snacks and drinks.

They inevitably result in dozens of "not a meal replacement for people expected to work through lunch" emails.

Keep your petty grievance perk.


There are ALWAYS those people who need to be reminded of that, though.  
Cheap little bastards that take everything. "It's free, that's what I'm having for lunch."
And "wull, I just take the breakroom food home with me."

It's always sickening watching how people act when there's free food.
 
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