Skip to content
Do you have adblock enabled?
 
If you can read this, either the style sheet didn't load or you have an older browser that doesn't support style sheets. Try clearing your browser cache and refreshing the page.

(We Are the Mighty)   In Soviet Russia, joke tells YOU   (wearethemighty.com) divider line
    More: Amusing, Soviet Union, Cold War, Mikhail Gorbachev, KGB, Nikita Khrushchev, pages of Russian jokes, Leonid Brezhnev, large number of newly-declassified documents  
•       •       •

5898 clicks; posted to Main » and Entertainment » on 30 Sep 2022 at 1:41 AM (9 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook



73 Comments     (+0 »)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


Oldest | « | 1 | 2 | » | Newest | Show all

 
2022-09-29 9:25:29 PM  
Some of those weren't bad even.
 
2022-09-30 12:28:15 AM  
Q: What's the difference between Gorbachev and Dubcek*?
A: Nothing, but Gorbachev doesn't know it yet.
That one actually made me laugh out loud

/the fate of all reformers
 
2022-09-30 1:51:57 AM  
Read one online from a (supposed) Russian American today:
How do you know an ass buzzer is Russian made?
It doesn't fit in your ass, and it doesn't buzz.

/honestly I just think "ass buzzer" is what makes it funny.
 
2022-09-30 1:56:46 AM  
Oh, actually that was here on fark! Credit where credit is due: Thanks for that gem Nothernmanor.
 
2022-09-30 1:59:37 AM  
qph.cf2.quoracdn.netView Full Size
 
2022-09-30 2:00:57 AM  
In Soviet Russia, classified documents think about Donald Trump.
 
2022-09-30 2:01:19 AM  
I liked this one:

An American tells a Russian that America is so free he can stand in front of the White House and yell "to hell with Ronald Reagan!"
The Russian says "that's nothing, I can stand in front of the Kremlin and yell 'To hell with Ronald Reagan' too"

/ and Reagan is in hell
// or he would be if such a place existed
 
2022-09-30 2:03:47 AM  
The Russian psyche is filled with nihilistic ennui. Sometimes it turns out masterpieces like the works of Tolstoy, Dostoyevsky, and Chekov. Most of the time it produces cirrhotic livers.
 
2022-09-30 2:05:21 AM  
Q: What did the Russian people light their houses with before they started using candles?
A: Electricity.
 
2022-09-30 2:07:17 AM  
Nixon and Brezhnev get into an argument over who makes the fastest cars. They decide to have a race and the Chevy easily beats the Gaz. The next day Pravda reports:

Soviet Car Finishes Second, American Car Next-to-last
 
2022-09-30 2:07:19 AM  
A Russian finally gets promoted to a level where he can order a Trabant.  He pays his money and asks when it will be delivered.

The Trabant official says "25th May".

Customer, astonished: "So, next week?"

Trabant official: "No, 25th May in two years' time".

Customer: "Oh.  Morning or afternoon?"

Trabant official: "Morning"

Customer: "I can't take delivery that morning, can we make it the afternoon?"

Trabant official: "OK but why?"

Customer: "The plumber is coming to fix my toilet that morning."
 
2022-09-30 2:10:42 AM  

ISO15693: Q: What did the Russian people light their houses with before they started using candles?
A: Electricity.


i.imgflip.comView Full Size

/brutal.
 
2022-09-30 2:16:56 AM  

princhester: A Russian finally gets promoted to a level where he can order a Trabant.  He pays his money and asks when it will be delivered.

The Trabant official says "25th May".

Customer, astonished: "So, next week?"

Trabant official: "No, 25th May in two years' time".

Customer: "Oh.  Morning or afternoon?"

Trabant official: "Morning"

Customer: "I can't take delivery that morning, can we make it the afternoon?"

Trabant official: "OK but why?"

Customer: "The plumber is coming to fix my toilet that morning."


It's just like Spain!
 
2022-09-30 2:17:49 AM  
Did you know I russia you can bathe pigs with vodka?
It is Absolut Hogwash.
 
2022-09-30 2:19:23 AM  
A friend of mine married a Soviet defector in the 80s and she asked him what the huge lineup on the street was for and he told her it was for the opening night of a new movie and then remarked to her "I guess you saw lineups like that back in Russia but it was for bread".

She shot back "Yes, because in Russia we lacked food, but in Canada you lack culture."
 
2022-09-30 2:21:03 AM  
Knok, knok...

"Who is?"

"Is conscript."

"Conscript who?"

"Please open, is cold."
 
2022-09-30 2:26:57 AM  

Summoner101: [qph.cf2.quoracdn.net image 602x438]


Fark user imageView Full Size


/brrrrrrrrtttt
 
2022-09-30 2:27:04 AM  
What's the tallest building in Moscow? Lubyanka, you can see Siberia from its basement


KGB general hears very loud laughing in one of Lubyanka cabinets and goes to investigate. "Comrade Ivanov just wrote very funny joke", explains officer, "we could send half of country to GULAG with it"
 
2022-09-30 2:32:50 AM  
Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2022-09-30 2:40:21 AM  
I proposed my Russian girlfriend and she said yes!
For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.
It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange.
For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely a Russian thing and didn't mind.
Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food.
On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl.
As we passed, they all said in unison, "You may now kiss the bride!"
My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned.
As we walked away I asked, "Why did they tell us to kiss and not the priest?"
My wife answered, "In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!"
 
2022-09-30 2:45:37 AM  
Trabant jokes I heard from a Czech back in the 80s.

How do you double the value of a Trabant?
Fill it with gas.

What is the sports car version of Trabant?
It comes with sneakers.
 
2022-09-30 2:49:54 AM  
So the jokes are old and well-known, so I'm kind of wondering what the overall document was about that got it classified.
 
2022-09-30 2:50:09 AM  
Late 1990s. Two New Russians meet in the street. One says to the other: "Hey, look, I bought a new tie. Paid $200."
"You idiot. Just around the corner you can get the same tie for $500."
 
2022-09-30 3:01:17 AM  

djfitz: Trabant jokes I heard from a Czech back in the 80s.

How do you double the value of a Trabant?
Fill it with gas.

What is the sports car version of Trabant?
It comes with sneakers.


Russian asked mechanic to replace motor in his Zhiguli with foreign one. Now his car goes only 10 meters forward and 10 meters back
 
2022-09-30 3:03:52 AM  
Modern Russian car story: man fleeing conscription wasn't allowed into Georgia because he forgot to peel off Z sticker from his car
 
2022-09-30 3:15:57 AM  

ISO15693: Q: What did the Russian people light their houses with before they started using candles?
A: Electricity.


Badum-tishki.
 
2022-09-30 3:17:43 AM  
One Russian man goes to the newspaper stand, takes the Pravda, reads the frontpage, and then puts it back in the rack.
And so on and so on for days. The clerk finally tells him : "Hey, if you want to read the newspaper, you'll have to buy it !"
"But I'm only looking for an obituary."
"What ? But obituaries aren't on the front page."
"The only I'm looking for will be."
 
2022-09-30 3:20:43 AM  

Archie Goodwin: ISO15693: Q: What did the Russian people light their houses with before they started using candles?
A: Electricity.

Badum-tishki.


Could also use "Ba-boosh-KAH!", same syllables.
 
2022-09-30 3:22:44 AM  
Are they from the joke warfare division? A Russian version of:
Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2022-09-30 3:27:24 AM  

Toxophil: Read one online from a (supposed) Russian American today:
How do you know an ass buzzer is Russian made?
It doesn't fit in your ass, and it doesn't buzz.

/honestly I just think "ass buzzer" is what makes it funny.


Toxophil: Oh, actually that was here on fark! Credit where credit is due: Thanks for that gem Nothernmanor.


That one was on television back in March... I may be able to find the reference...

Aha, here we go...

VIDEO OF:"JULIA IOFFE" ON BILL MAHER DISCUSSES CURRENT ATMOSPHERE WITHIN RUSSIA.TELLS A SOVIET JOKE
Youtube P8t1ajOjIlo
 
2022-09-30 3:37:24 AM  

Summoner101: [qph.cf2.quoracdn.net image 602x438]


A measure of chaos is always useful in as fluid a situation as warfare. No plan survives contact with the enemy, so adaptation is essential.
 
2022-09-30 5:24:09 AM  
Two friends walk down the street. One says to the other: "So, what do you think about our new leader"?
To which the other replied: "Sorry, I cannot say this out loud". "Could we perhaps go into this backyard."
"Ok, no worries". So in they go.
But the other friend is still afraid. "I'm not sure. Could we perhaps go into the cellar over there?"
"Sure", and so they go into the cellar.
"Ok, says the first one". "Now tell me. What do you think of our new leader?"
To which the second friend replied: "I actually quite like him!"
 
2022-09-30 5:26:05 AM  

cfreak: I liked this one:

An American tells a Russian that America is so free he can stand in front of the White House and yell "to hell with Ronald Reagan!"
The Russian says "that's nothing, I can stand in front of the Kremlin and yell 'To hell with Ronald Reagan' too"

/ and Reagan is in hell
// or he would be if such a place existed


I believe Reagan used to repeat that joke.
If there is a hell Reagan is either asleep or has forgotten that he is there.
 
2022-09-30 5:27:06 AM  

Smoking GNU: Summoner101: [qph.cf2.quoracdn.net image 602x438]

A measure of chaos is always useful in as fluid a situation as warfare. No plan survives contact with the enemy, so adaptation is essential.


No plan survives contact with REMFs
 
2022-09-30 6:02:55 AM  
One of my old professors, a Slovenian chap, was in Moscow back when he was at school in the 70s and during a particularly bad shortage. He went to the restaurant and asked the waiter what they have to eat. The waiter handed him a menu. He told the waiter "this is a lovely menu, but I asked what do you have to eat?"
 
2022-09-30 6:06:17 AM  

cfreak: I liked this one:

An American tells a Russian that America is so free he can stand in front of the White House and yell "to hell with Ronald Reagan!"
The Russian says "that's nothing, I can stand in front of the Kremlin and yell 'To hell with Ronald Reagan' too"

/ and Reagan is in hell
// or he would be if such a place existed


Why is Nancy always on top when the Reagans have sex?

Because Ronnie can only fark up.

//May be the only joke from that era I remember
 
2022-09-30 6:37:38 AM  
I had a dog without a nose.
 
2022-09-30 6:50:48 AM  

Ragin' Asian: I had a dog without a nose.


You should take it to a vet. To be put down. And made into soup.
PS it smells terrible.
 
2022-09-30 7:23:13 AM  
A man is waiting in a bread line for hours. Finally the baker comes out and says there is no more bread. The man starts yelling about what a screwed up country and system this is. Another man in a long overcoat comes over and quietly warns him, "Comrade, you must watch what you say, or else..." and then mimics a gun to his head with his fingers.

The man goes home, dejected. His wife asks "Are they out of bread?"
"Worse - they are out of bullets."
 
2022-09-30 7:35:08 AM  
An American tells a Russian that the United States is so free he can stand in front of the White House and yell "To hell with Ronald Reagan." The Russian replies: "That's nothing. I can stand in front of the Kremlin and yell, 'to hell with Ronald Reagan' too."

I vaguely remember from a video complication of Reagan himself using this joke.
 
2022-09-30 7:37:29 AM  

KB202: So the jokes are old and well-known, so I'm kind of wondering what the overall document was about that got it classified.


If the joke was made up by KGB 2nd Directorate, and never circulated, you could tell who a spy was by decoding American messages that featured certain jokes, since the agents were careful to tell the joke only within hearing of suspects.

Do a GIS on Midway Island fresh water plant.
 
2022-09-30 7:39:56 AM  
"My cat's seven kittens are all capitalists." Teacher reminds the boy that the previous week he had said the kittens were communists. "But now they've opened their eyes," replies the child.'

And today, in the U.S., there are 30 million kittens who were taught to close their eyes again and dream about Leninism and Lysenko. Newly rebranded with catchy names starting with critical- and anti-.

Forget about the KGB thug running Russia. We've got massive trouble brewing here.
 
2022-09-30 7:57:24 AM  

TTFK: An American tells a Russian that the United States is so free he can stand in front of the White House and yell "To hell with Ronald Reagan." The Russian replies: "That's nothing. I can stand in front of the Kremlin and yell, 'to hell with Ronald Reagan' too."

I vaguely remember from a video complication of Reagan himself using this joke.


Reagan tells Soviet jokes
Youtube mN3z3eSVG7A
 
2022-09-30 8:00:47 AM  
Reformatted for Wisconsin:

A Wisconsin man is driving with his wife and small child. A state trooper pulls them over and makes the man take a breathalyzer test. "See," the trooper says, "you're drunk." The man protests that the breathalyzer must be broken and invites the cop to test his wife. She also registers as drunk. Exasperated, the man invites the cop to test his child. When the child registers drunk as well, the cop shrugs and says "Yes, perhaps it is broken," and sends them on their way. Out of earshot the man tells his wife, "See, I told you it wouldn't hurt to give the kid a Spotted Cow."
 
2022-09-30 8:02:11 AM  

Animatronik: "My cat's seven kittens are all capitalists." Teacher reminds the boy that the previous week he had said the kittens were communists. "But now they've opened their eyes," replies the child.'

And today, in the U.S., there are 30 million kittens who were taught to close their eyes again and dream about Leninism and Lysenko. Newly rebranded with catchy names starting with critical- and anti-.

Forget about the KGB thug running Russia. We've got massive trouble brewing here.


Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2022-09-30 8:17:09 AM  
1965. Official proclaims during party rally "two and two equals seven". Man in crowd shouts "No, it's four", is promptly arrested and sent to GULAG
1985: Same official proclaims during party rally "two and two equals six". Same man in crowd shouts "No, it's four". After rally official approaches man "Why are you doing this? Do you want two and two be seven again?"

Brezhnev is reading opening speech of 1980 Olympic Games: "oh, oh, oh, oh, oh"
 
2022-09-30 8:18:55 AM  

Animatronik: "My cat's seven kittens are all capitalists." Teacher reminds the boy that the previous week he had said the kittens were communists. "But now they've opened their eyes," replies the child.'

And today, in the U.S., there are 30 million kittens who were taught to close their eyes again and dream about Leninism and Lysenko. Newly rebranded with catchy names starting with critical- and anti-.

Forget about the KGB thug running Russia. We've got massive trouble brewing here.


Critical thinking and anti-racist teaching doesn't amount to Leninism.
 
2022-09-30 8:30:38 AM  

Animatronik: "My cat's seven kittens are all capitalists." Teacher reminds the boy that the previous week he had said the kittens were communists. "But now they've opened their eyes," replies the child.'

And today, in the U.S., there are 30 million kittens who were taught to close their eyes again and dream about Leninism and Lysenko. Newly rebranded with catchy names starting with critical- and anti-.

Forget about the KGB thug running Russia. We've got massive trouble brewing here.


Those aren't the ones trying to overthrow our government.
The only trouble we have here is from the allies of that KGB thug, you know them as the GQP.
 
2022-09-30 8:48:40 AM  

Zipf: Animatronik: "My cat's seven kittens are all capitalists." Teacher reminds the boy that the previous week he had said the kittens were communists. "But now they've opened their eyes," replies the child.'

And today, in the U.S., there are 30 million kittens who were taught to close their eyes again and dream about Leninism and Lysenko. Newly rebranded with catchy names starting with critical- and anti-.

Forget about the KGB thug running Russia. We've got massive trouble brewing here.

Critical thinking and anti-racist teaching doesn't amount to Leninism.


But the forced thinking and trying to change peoples nature use exactly the same methods to the same goals of creating utopia where everything is great and we all equal.

For instance forcing people to call a person "they/them". Even if they are obviously just a girl.

Why? The issue is compliance, not truth. Thats not exactly critical thinking now is it. It really is forcing people to lie, especially as they know the lie.

2+2=5.

'If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face - for ever.'

- 1984, George Orwell.

Ps. that book is a warning. Not a manual.
 
2022-09-30 8:50:03 AM  
Ok, maybe I'm a time traveler and don't realize it but I heard many of these in the 80's and 90's.  I don't think "declassified" applies to the jokes themselves, only documents included with the jokes.
 
Displayed 50 of 73 comments


Oldest | « | 1 | 2 | » | Newest | Show all


View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

This thread is closed to new comments.

Continue Farking




On Twitter


  1. Links are submitted by members of the Fark community.

  2. When community members submit a link, they also write a custom headline for the story.

  3. Other Farkers comment on the links. This is the number of comments. Click here to read them.

  4. Click here to submit a link.