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(Smashing Pumpkin)   Why did the pumpkin take a detour? To avoid a seedy part of town. It is your Thursday Bad Joke thread, and let's have a gourd time, shall we?   ( divider line
    More: Amusing, Pumpkin, pumpkin scouting, Halloween, lantern jokes, pumpkin jokes, jack-o, pumpkin patch, Jack-o'-lantern  
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128 clicks; posted to Discussion » on 29 Sep 2022 at 7:05 AM (17 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook

Voting Results (Smartest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2022-09-29 6:38:48 PM  
3 votes:
Three convicted felons walked into a courtroom awaiting their sentence. When the judge sat down, and the courtroom fell silent, he said, "After much deliberation, I have decided to sentence the three of you to death. However, one cannot ignore the impressive amount of volunteer work the three of you have accumulated in your community. Therefore, I have decided to allow each of you to choose the way in which you die. Mr. Ericson, you are first; how would you like to die?"

Ericson, claiming to have seen many types of death throughout his life, said, "I would like to be hanged. I feel a hanging would be the most dignified way to die, given the circumstances."

The judge replied, "Very well; I will schedule a hanging for June 23rd, three months from today. Please sit. Mr. Bonobu, in which way would you prefer to die?"

Mr. Bonobu replied, "I would like to die in front of a firing squad. I believe that would be the most effective and painless way to die."

"So be it," replied the judge. "Your death is scheduled for July the 9th. You may have a seat. And Mr. Maveric, what is your decision?"

"Well, all my life I have been poor, average looking, and generally unhappy. With this being said, and barring any unforeseen illness, I would like to die of old age, filthy rich and surrounded by beautiful women on my very own private tropical island."
2022-09-29 12:24:22 PM  
2 votes:
It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions while a woman rushed to help him. As she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid."

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."
2022-09-29 1:33:07 PM  
2 votes:
scontent-lga3-1.xx.fbcdn.netView Full Size
2022-09-29 4:28:29 PM  
2 votes:
preview.redd.itView Full Size
2022-09-29 7:09:22 PM  
2 votes:
Putin is held hostage by a terrorist. A Russian truck driver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. As the policeman approaches the truck, the truck driver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"

Policeman: "A terrorist is holding Putin hostage in a car. He's demanding 10 million rubles, or he'll douse Putin in petrol and set him on fire. So we're asking drivers for donations."

Driver: "Oh, okay. How much are people donating on average?"

Policeman: "About a gallon."
2022-09-29 7:10:57 PM  
2 votes:
My boss was honest with me today. He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it.

He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."
2022-09-29 12:11:38 PM  
1 vote:
I do crunches twice a day.

Cap'n in the morning and Nestles in the afternoon.
2022-09-29 1:50:34 PM  
1 vote:
scontent-lga3-1.xx.fbcdn.netView Full Size
2022-09-29 6:06:26 PM  
1 vote:
I love these and shall post them until Halloween is over.

madmagazine.comView Full Size
2022-09-29 6:55:45 PM  
1 vote:
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2022-09-29 7:03:18 PM  
1 vote:
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2022-09-29 7:27:16 PM  
1 vote:
A man stands in line at an ATM in Moscow. After an hour he loses his patience and yells, "Putin is to blame for this I'm going to the Kremlin and I will get rid of him!"

30 minutes later he's back in line at the ATM.

"Why are you here again?", asks another waiter.

"The line in front of the Kremlin is twice as long as this one..."
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