Dad joke:

What starts with a W and ends with a T.
It really does, I swear.

I just turned down a job delivering for my local fruit and veg shop...
They offered to pay me in vegetables, but the celery was unacceptable.

There was once this couple with three kids who owned a farm. The middle child, Carl, was a mute, but other than never speaking he seemed perfectly normal developmentally.

One morning when Carl was 17 and was having Sunday breakfast with the family he suddenly spit out his food and exclaimed, "These biscuits taste like shiat!".

Well, you can imagine the family's surprise! They were wide eyed and overcome with emotion.

While embracing Carl the mother was crying, "My baby, my baby, you can talk, you can talk. Why have you never spoken up to now?"

To which Carl replied, "Well up to now the biscuits have always been pretty good".

A kid was born and he was just a head. That's it. Nothing else.

Parents loved him and sent him off to school like any other kid and one day on his way home he finds a lamp with a genie in it.

"You get one wish" says the genie.

"I wish to have a full body and not be just a head any more!"says the kid.

"Done-diddly done." says the genie.

Kid now has a full body and rushes home overjoyed to tell his parents the good news but gets hiat by a bus and killed.

"Should have quit while you were a head" says the genie.

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions while a woman rushed to help him. As she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid."

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."

Someone at the local drinking hole put a water bowel out for dogs listing the drink of the day as Jack Spaniels.

Three convicted felons walked into a courtroom awaiting their sentence. When the judge sat down, and the courtroom fell silent, he said, "After much deliberation, I have decided to sentence the three of you to death. However, one cannot ignore the impressive amount of volunteer work the three of you have accumulated in your community. Therefore, I have decided to allow each of you to choose the way in which you die. Mr. Ericson, you are first; how would you like to die?"

Ericson, claiming to have seen many types of death throughout his life, said, "I would like to be hanged. I feel a hanging would be the most dignified way to die, given the circumstances."

The judge replied, "Very well; I will schedule a hanging for June 23rd, three months from today. Please sit. Mr. Bonobu, in which way would you prefer to die?"

Mr. Bonobu replied, "I would like to die in front of a firing squad. I believe that would be the most effective and painless way to die."

"So be it," replied the judge. "Your death is scheduled for July the 9th. You may have a seat. And Mr. Maveric, what is your decision?"

"Well, all my life I have been poor, average looking, and generally unhappy. With this being said, and barring any unforeseen illness, I would like to die of old age, filthy rich and surrounded by beautiful women on my very own private tropical island."

A guy sees a buddy and notices that his friend's car is total wreck. It is covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt, and blood.

He asks his friend, "So what happened to your car?"

"Well," the friend responds, "I ran into a lawyer."

"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood, but what about the leaves, the grass, the branches, and the dirt?"

"Well, I had to chase him all through the park."

Putin is held hostage by a terrorist. A Russian truck driver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. As the policeman approaches the truck, the truck driver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"

Policeman: "A terrorist is holding Putin hostage in a car. He's demanding 10 million rubles, or he'll douse Putin in petrol and set him on fire. So we're asking drivers for donations."

Driver: "Oh, okay. How much are people donating on average?"

Policeman: "About a gallon."

After a prolonged drought when the rain came, all the animals in the forest were happy except the Kangaroo. When the others asked her what the reason was for such sadness, the Kangaroo revealed that the rain meant that all her kids would now be playing inside.

My boss was honest with me today. He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it.

He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."

The wife and I took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up our car's gas tank and tires. She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked me, "Why in the world do they charge for AIR?!"

I responded, "Inflation."

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!
Man, that sentence was way too long.

My girlfriend and I are trying this whole "long distance relationship" thing.
I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.


A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.
His wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

A Horse Walks into a Bar... He approaches the bartender and says, "If there is a triangle with three sides labeled x, y, and z, and x and z are perpendicular to each other, which side is the hypotenuse?"

The bartender thinks for a moment, then replies, "Y, the long face."

Two crows were in a field when they noticed a figure that looked like a man in the distance.

"See that over there? What is that?", says the first crow.

The second crows takes a long look, "That's a scarecrow. Looks authentic, doesn't it."

"How can you tell it's a scarecrow and not a person?", replies the first crow.

"Look at it's hand. No cellphone", says the second crow.

As a band of robbers entered the bank, their leader went to the manager and ordered him to open the vault. He threatened the manager by saying, "If you try to do anything smart, you're fiction."

The manager was confused and asked him, "Don't you mean 'you are history'?"

The robber angrily replied, "do not change the subject, okay?"

A boy read a restaurant sign that advertised fat-free French fries.

"Sounds great," said the health-conscious boy. He ordered some. He watched as the cook pulled a basket of fries from the fryer. The potatoes were dripping with oil when the cook put them into the container.

"Wait a minute," the boy said. "Those don't look fat-free."

"Sure they are," the cook said. "We charge only for the potatoes."

A man stands in line at an ATM in Moscow. After an hour he loses his patience and yells, "Putin is to blame for this I'm going to the Kremlin and I will get rid of him!"

30 minutes later he's back in line at the ATM.

"Why are you here again?", asks another waiter.

"The line in front of the Kremlin is twice as long as this one..."

There is a skeleton in our neighborhood who always knows that something bad might happen way before it actually happens. He has actually become quite famous and when a TV crew interviewed about the reason behind this ability, the skeleton finally disclosed his secret: he could feel it in his bones.

A climber fell off a cliff, and, as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch. "Help! Is there anybody up there?" he shouted.

A majestic voice boomed through the gorge, "I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me."

"Yes, yes, I trust you!", cried the man.

"Let go of the branch", boomed the voice.

There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, "is there anybody else up there?"

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, 'I'm very sorry for this mistake.. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.' I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk...

'Naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car.'