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(Smashing Pumpkin)   Why did the pumpkin take a detour? To avoid a seedy part of town. It is your Thursday Bad Joke thread, and let's have a gourd time, shall we?   (countryliving.com) divider line
    More: Amusing, Pumpkin, pumpkin scouting, Halloween, lantern jokes, pumpkin jokes, jack-o, pumpkin patch, Jack-o'-lantern  
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111 clicks; posted to Discussion » on 29 Sep 2022 at 7:05 AM (9 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook



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2022-09-29 12:20:22 AM  
Did you hear about the two peanuts that went downtown?

One was a salted
 
2022-09-29 11:15:58 AM  
Did you hear about those new corduroy pillows?

They're making headlines
 
2022-09-29 11:38:03 AM  
Q:What's the ratio of a pumpkin's circumference to its diameter?

A:Pumpkin pi
 
2022-09-29 11:43:33 AM  
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing. They fast.
 
2022-09-29 11:55:38 AM  
How can you tell when a joke is a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent
 
2022-09-29 12:11:38 PM  
I do crunches twice a day.

Cap'n in the morning and Nestles in the afternoon.
 
2022-09-29 12:18:31 PM  
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2022-09-29 12:20:08 PM  
Dad joke:

What starts with a W and ends with a T.
It really does, I swear.
 
2022-09-29 12:20:50 PM  
I just turned down a job delivering for my local fruit and veg shop...
They offered to pay me in vegetables, but the celery was unacceptable.
 
2022-09-29 12:22:25 PM  
There was once this couple with three kids who owned a farm. The middle child, Carl, was a mute, but other than never speaking he seemed perfectly normal developmentally.

One morning when Carl was 17 and was having Sunday breakfast with the family he suddenly spit out his food and exclaimed, "These biscuits taste like shiat!".

Well, you can imagine the family's surprise! They were wide eyed and overcome with emotion.

While embracing Carl the mother was crying, "My baby, my baby, you can talk, you can talk. Why have you never spoken up to now?"

To which Carl replied, "Well up to now the biscuits have always been pretty good".
 
2022-09-29 12:23:15 PM  
A kid was born and he was just a head. That's it. Nothing else.

Parents loved him and sent him off to school like any other kid and one day on his way home he finds a lamp with a genie in it.

"You get one wish" says the genie.

"I wish to have a full body and not be just a head any more!"says the kid.

"Done-diddly done." says the genie.

Kid now has a full body and rushes home overjoyed to tell his parents the good news but gets hiat by a bus and killed.

"Should have quit while you were a head" says the genie.
 
2022-09-29 12:24:22 PM  
It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions while a woman rushed to help him. As she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid."

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."
 
2022-09-29 12:26:24 PM  
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2022-09-29 1:07:49 PM  
Little Johnny walks into his dad's bedroom and sees him sliding on a condom. His father tries to hide it by bending over, as if to look under the bed. Little Johnny asks curiously, "What are you doing, Dad?"  His father quickly replies, "I thought I saw a mouse go underneath the bed."

Little Johnny replies, "What are you gonna do... fark him?"
 
2022-09-29 1:32:05 PM  
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2022-09-29 1:32:23 PM  
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2022-09-29 1:33:07 PM  
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2022-09-29 1:33:51 PM  
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2022-09-29 1:34:06 PM  
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2022-09-29 1:34:22 PM  
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2022-09-29 1:36:59 PM  
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2022-09-29 1:38:38 PM  
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2022-09-29 1:38:52 PM  
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2022-09-29 1:39:34 PM  
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2022-09-29 1:42:03 PM  
I just realized that for the last three weeks I accidentally switched my medicine and the cat's medicine. Don't ask meeeeeowwwwwww...
 
2022-09-29 1:42:53 PM  
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2022-09-29 1:43:22 PM  
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2022-09-29 1:43:51 PM  
I am the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
 
2022-09-29 1:45:47 PM  
My favorite color is purple. I like it more than blue and red combined.
 
2022-09-29 1:46:22 PM  
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2022-09-29 1:46:50 PM  
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2022-09-29 1:48:21 PM  
Our neighbor plays his chickens classical music. I asked the chickens who their favorite composer is. They all said, "Bach... Bach... Bach Bach Bach."
 
2022-09-29 1:48:36 PM  
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2022-09-29 1:49:15 PM  
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2022-09-29 1:49:36 PM  
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2022-09-29 1:50:34 PM  
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2022-09-29 2:25:09 PM  
How many pie shops are there in my town? Slightly more than three.
 
2022-09-29 3:20:23 PM  
What do rednecks do for Halloween?
Pump kin.
 
2022-09-29 3:58:05 PM  
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2022-09-29 4:01:14 PM  
Someone at the local drinking hole put a water bowel out for dogs listing the drink of the day as Jack Spaniels.
 
2022-09-29 4:04:59 PM  
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2022-09-29 4:05:38 PM  
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2022-09-29 4:16:48 PM  
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2022-09-29 4:17:18 PM  
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2022-09-29 4:18:16 PM  
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2022-09-29 4:19:20 PM  
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2022-09-29 4:20:35 PM  
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2022-09-29 4:23:24 PM  
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