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(Seattle Times)   Attention all single Farkers: take a shower, get a haircut, and straighten up that back because you just got a second chance   (seattletimes.com) divider line
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8135 clicks; posted to Main » on 29 Sep 2022 at 1:05 AM (18 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook



Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

 
2022-09-28 8:50:32 PM  
62 votes:
If you think you can compete with a 5'7" dick, go for it
 
2022-09-29 12:01:54 AM  
31 votes:
Is this the MTG thread? Get ready, baby, mmmm!

Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2022-09-29 1:17:06 AM  
23 votes:
Christ, could the single men out there wash their clothes, bodies and brush their teeth for us gals who aren't billionaires? No one wants to suck your dick if you stink.
 
2022-09-29 1:08:50 AM  
20 votes:
She is way below my standards.
 
2022-09-29 1:18:57 AM  
18 votes:

ace in your face: Christ, could the single men out there wash their clothes, bodies and brush their teeth for us gals who aren't billionaires? No one wants to suck your dick if you stink.


Lemme Smell Yo' Dick is about a partner's infidelity, not a request to the audience.
 
2022-09-29 1:22:31 AM  
17 votes:
That seems like an impossible goal.

Farkers showering, I mean really.
 
2022-09-29 2:07:05 AM  
16 votes:

The Exit Stencilist: If you think you can compete with a 5'7" dick, go for it


Ok.
 
2022-09-29 1:15:49 AM  
14 votes:

little big man: Is this the MTG thread? Get ready, baby, mmmm!

[Fark user image image 425x235]


If she won't kickbox an emu for my love I don't want her.
 
2022-09-29 1:27:50 AM  
14 votes:

philodough: That woman kept roofs over tons of Americans during the pandemic.

Her donations in the US to help with food & shelter since the pandemic are about 6 billion.

Meanwhile, her previous ex did about jack & shiat for his employees or anybody else.


Except employ and pay close to two million of them.
 
2022-09-29 1:43:19 AM  
12 votes:

culebra: Intriguing. I thought for sure this was the MTG thread! She may seem hot to trot fellas, but word is she's actually seeking a stable relationship.


I say nay to that idea.
 
2022-09-28 11:03:22 PM  
11 votes:
On the one hand, you're marrying a multi-billionaire.  On the other hand, she's pledged to give away like 95% of her wealth.  So you'll still end up with something resembling a Mega Millions or Powerball jackpot, but you'll also get to watch the digits slowly shrink.
 
2022-09-29 1:18:12 AM  
11 votes:
So, I have to shave my balls and back again this week?
 
2022-09-29 1:42:17 AM  
11 votes:
Intriguing. I thought for sure this was the MTG thread! She may seem hot to trot fellas, but word is she's actually seeking a stable relationship.
 
2022-09-29 1:20:06 AM  
10 votes:
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia - Charlie Kelly: Full On Rapist
Youtube pQJ9GUVxPl8
 
2022-09-29 1:37:38 AM  
10 votes:

waxbeans: All but a few of my exes was actually gay women.  😆


Isn't that a country song?
 
2022-09-29 2:04:11 AM  
10 votes:
I thought her and Bezos just got divorced.  She was married to someone else for two years?! What year is it?  Who am I?  WHERE am I?

/Christ I've become Ozzy
 
2022-09-29 1:10:44 AM  
9 votes:

matthardingu: She is way below my standards.


Sharp knees. Pass.
 
2022-09-29 1:52:53 AM  
9 votes:
Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2022-09-29 8:23:26 AM  
9 votes:

Jesus McSordid: No snark here for once, I truly wished for better for her. She is obviously a very fine person, and she deserves every happiness.


Good try, but I doubt she reads the comments section of the #4 news aggregator in all of Lexington, Kentucky. You shoot your shot though.
 
2022-09-29 1:26:55 AM  
8 votes:

covfefe: I wonder why you would get married at all when the interest on your interest on your interest on your interest is always going to be more than your husband's lifetime earnings.


Because getting married doesn't have a damn thing with your spouse's money, you shallow POS.
 
2022-09-29 1:33:03 AM  
8 votes:

baron von doodle: ace in your face: Christ, could the single men out there wash their clothes, bodies and brush their teeth for us gals who aren't billionaires? No one wants to suck your dick if you stink.

I'm ok foregoing oral.

/s


fark that that is a deal breaker.
Vaginas are boring.  Only thing more boring is butt holes.
 
2022-09-29 1:29:29 AM  
7 votes:

ace in your face: Christ, could the single men out there wash their clothes, bodies and brush their teeth for us gals who aren't billionaires? No one wants to suck your dick if you stink.


I would tend to agree.
But in 2002 I dated a woman wow didn't give a fark.  I was a horrible person.  And didn't care about much. My life was really jacked up at the time.  Anyway.  I didn't spend any time worrying about my looks or if I was clean.
And we always had sex.
On a side note . She later , 20 years, she confessed to being gay.
I should have known we met at a gay bar.
Oddly we had sex a few years before she left earth.
People are farking odd.
And I've meet a ton of them odd people.
All but a few of my exes was actually gay women.  😆
WTF?
Women are farking the worst. Or I love horrible ppl.  😆
 
2022-09-29 1:31:44 AM  
7 votes:

The Exit Stencilist: If you think you can compete with a 5'7" dick, go for it


If I can get her to squint just right I am in like Flynn.
 
2022-09-29 1:43:31 AM  
7 votes:

Claude Ballse: No matter how beautiful, and/or rich she is, someone's tired of her shiat.


Yeah but the guy who was tired of it was Elon Musk, and he is an egomaniacal a**hole.
 
2022-09-29 2:13:55 AM  
7 votes:

waxbeans: baron von doodle: ace in your face: Christ, could the single men out there wash their clothes, bodies and brush their teeth for us gals who aren't billionaires? No one wants to suck your dick if you stink.

I'm ok foregoing oral.

/s

fark that that is a deal breaker.
Vaginas are boring.  Only thing more boring is butt holes.


Huh. I was expecting at least a bite from that comment but it went in an entirely unexpected direction.
 
2022-09-29 2:17:32 AM  
7 votes:

kkinnison: I think the only chance i have with her is if Cupid's arrow misses its target and hits me instead and impales both of us together

cause i got nothing except maybe knowing how to cook


I've had your Velveeta queso. You best be moving on.
 
2022-09-29 1:10:59 AM  
6 votes:
I wonder why you would get married at all when the interest on your interest on your interest on your interest is always going to be more than your husband's lifetime earnings.
 
2022-09-29 1:18:00 AM  
6 votes:

bluorangefyre: you'll still end up with something resembling a Mega Millions or Powerball jackpot


Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2022-09-29 1:33:41 AM  
6 votes:

ace in your face: Christ, could the single men out there wash their clothes, bodies and brush their teeth for us gals who aren't billionaires? No one wants to suck your dick if you stink.


What do you bring to the table beyond sucking dick? Learn to cook or give sound financial advice, bring something else to the table. You all suck dick.
 
2022-09-29 1:35:18 AM  
6 votes:
covfefe: ...why you would get married at all when the interest ... on your interest is always going to be more than your husband's lifetime earnings.
.


Someone to kill spiders?
 
2022-09-29 1:37:17 AM  
6 votes:

king of vegas: jst3p: ace in your face: Christ, could the single men out there wash their clothes, bodies and brush their teeth for us gals who aren't billionaires? No one wants to suck your dick if you stink.

What do you bring to the table beyond sucking dick? Learn to cook or give sound financial advice, bring something else to the table. You all suck dick.

*Incel-like typing detected*


Awww, she isn't going to suck your dick, no matter how much you white knight her.
 
2022-09-29 2:35:48 AM  
6 votes:
Hey, she's a novelist! As an other word smith, her and I are compatico I bet.
 
2022-09-29 8:18:30 AM  
6 votes:
There is no such thing as a "billionaire philanthropist". If you have a billion dollars, you have too much money, no matter how much you've given away.
 
2022-09-29 1:24:23 AM  
5 votes:

ace in your face: Christ, could the single men out there wash their clothes, bodies and brush their teeth for us gals who aren't billionaires? No one wants to suck your dick if you stink.


I'm ok foregoing oral.

/s
 
2022-09-29 1:35:19 AM  
5 votes:

jst3p: ace in your face: Christ, could the single men out there wash their clothes, bodies and brush their teeth for us gals who aren't billionaires? No one wants to suck your dick if you stink.

What do you bring to the table beyond sucking dick? Learn to cook or give sound financial advice, bring something else to the table. You all suck dick.


*Incel-like typing detected*
 
2022-09-29 1:53:32 AM  
5 votes:
When I first clicked the link and saw her photo, I thought there was some connection to that really old Fark meme of the smiling woman with the large teeth.  (Before my time, so never really understood it.)
 
2022-09-29 3:09:36 AM  
5 votes:

8 inches: The Exit Stencilist: If you think you can compete with a 5'7" dick, go for it

Ok.


Sword-fight!
 
2022-09-29 11:40:55 AM  
5 votes:

ace in your face: Christ, could the single men out there wash their clothes, bodies and brush their teeth for us gals who aren't billionaires? No one wants to suck your dick if you stink.


If you can't handle me at my smelliest, you don't deserve me at my cleanest
 
2022-09-29 1:13:51 AM  
4 votes:
I think the only chance i have with her is if Cupid's arrow misses its target and hits me instead and impales both of us together

cause i got nothing except maybe knowing how to cook
 
2022-09-29 1:24:43 AM  
4 votes:
Fark user imageView Full Size


/snowballs chance on Venus
 
2022-09-29 1:42:07 AM  
4 votes:

sex_and_drugs_for_ian: bluorangefyre: you'll still end up with something resembling a Mega Millions or Powerball jackpot

[Fark user image 498x278] [View Full Size image _x_]


y.yarn.coView Full Size
 
2022-09-29 1:53:22 AM  
4 votes:
FTFY
Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2022-09-29 6:27:57 AM  
4 votes:
A shower? In this economy?
 
2022-09-28 10:22:44 PM  
3 votes:
2 years and then an uncontested divorce where I keep all of my money because it's pocket change to her?  I'm in.
 
2022-09-29 1:31:19 AM  
3 votes:

ace in your face: Christ, could the single men out there wash their clothes, bodies and brush their teeth for us gals who aren't billionaires? No one wants to suck your dick if you stink.


It's rare that people worth having are single.  Women have only ever been interested in me at the very moment I started talking to one. It's insane.  Ladies come in pairs for some insane reason.  Fml
 
2022-09-29 1:35:00 AM  
3 votes:

rosekolodny: covfefe: I wonder why you would get married at all when the interest on your interest on your interest on your interest is always going to be more than your husband's lifetime earnings.

Because getting married doesn't have a damn thing with your spouse's money, you shallow POS.


Maybe.  But. All my relationships got better as my income did. And the last one ended with a dude making 3 times more.
Not saying their a gold digger but
 
2022-09-29 1:38:15 AM  
3 votes:

waxbeans: jst3p: ace in your face: Christ, could the single men out there wash their clothes, bodies and brush their teeth for us gals who aren't billionaires? No one wants to suck your dick if you stink.

What do you bring to the table beyond sucking dick? Learn to cook or give sound financial advice, bring something else to the table. You all suck dick.

Actually I found an amazing woman once. She didn't blow.
What a damn shame. She is the most epic lady ever.
10 in every aspect.


I mean for the right woman I could see accepting no BJs. It isn't a deal breaker. But she would have to be great in a lot of other areas.
 
2022-09-29 1:40:20 AM  
3 votes:

rosekolodny: jst3p: ace in your face: Christ, could the single men out there wash their clothes, bodies and brush their teeth for us gals who aren't billionaires? No one wants to suck your dick if you stink.

What do you bring to the table beyond sucking dick? Learn to cook or give sound financial advice, bring something else to the table. You all suck dick.

I used to think you weren't a terrible person.


Always good to hear from a fan!

/if you know me at all you know sometimes I just post for the lolz
 
2022-09-29 1:47:39 AM  
3 votes:
So you are telling me she is single?

What? That is literally the headline?

So the joke falls flat?

Whatever.


/gen x
 
2022-09-29 1:55:26 AM  
3 votes:

waxbeans: culebra: Intriguing. I thought for sure this was the MTG thread! She may seem hot to trot fellas, but word is she's actually seeking a stable relationship.

Relationships are hell


You sound like you need a hug.
 
2022-09-29 2:49:52 AM  
3 votes:
Well shiat.
Is one week too soon to annul this thing I did with Morgan Fairchild?
 
2022-09-29 3:26:43 AM  
3 votes:
Shower TWICE in one week?!
Maybe crawl down from your ivory tower subs, and set some realistic goals us mere mortals.
 
2022-09-29 5:18:49 AM  
3 votes:

king of vegas: *Incel-like typing detected*


That's like... around a quarter of this thread.  Give or take.
 
2022-09-29 6:53:11 AM  
3 votes:

Cormee: matthardingu: She is way below my standards.

She's a biatchipmunky, but I could overlook it


Fark filter for the win.
 
2022-09-29 1:08:41 AM  
2 votes:
No matter how beautiful, and/or rich she is, someone's tired of her shiat.
 
2022-09-29 1:10:26 AM  
2 votes:

bluorangefyre: On the one hand, you're marrying a multi-billionaire.  On the other hand, she's pledged to give away like 95% of her wealth.  So you'll still end up with something resembling a Mega Millions or Powerball jackpot, but you'll also get to watch the digits slowly shrink.


But it could be hilarious to "give away" a billion dollars in the form of massive pranks. Imagine buying out a Walmart and giving the contents away as a community supermarket sweep.
 
2022-09-29 1:36:20 AM  
2 votes:

waxbeans: Maybe.  But. All my relationships got better as my income did.


That means the most attractive thing about you is your income. That isn't the flex you think it is.
 
2022-09-29 1:42:22 AM  
2 votes:

jst3p: waxbeans: Maybe.  But. All my relationships got better as my income did.

That means the most attractive thing about you is your income. That isn't the flex you think it is.


Oddly not really.
It wasn't my income.  It was my prospects. Each lady left as things stalled.
Women love projects. But. You have to keep getting better.
Me? I'm an asshole.  Every time I got better.  Personally.  I became apathetic.  Also. I always get complacent.  Because I'm not the over achiever type.  Women want farking Micheal farking Jordan.  And, I'm 4 string. I'm happy to warm the bench.  And collect my base pay.  fark the companionship shiat. Meh. I life off time. I like my games.  And media. Music. Movies.  And computer building.
 
2022-09-29 1:55:30 AM  
2 votes:

Claude Ballse: No matter how beautiful, and/or rich she is, someone's tired of her shiat.


In this case, she's sick of his, it would seem.
 
2022-09-29 1:58:56 AM  
2 votes:

frestcrallen: When I first clicked the link and saw her photo, I thought there was some connection to that really old Fark meme of the smiling woman with the large teeth.  (Before my time, so never really understood it.)


Heh, I think I remember the thread where that started.
If I recall correctly, it was some guy posting a picture of his gf because he was bragging about how hot she was, and so of course everyone started ripping on him and making fun of her teeth. I could be totally wrong, but that's how I remember it.

Funny you mention it -- I was just looking for that picture because I was gonna say that my gf was too hot to leave for a billion dollars, so of course that picture came to mind.
 
2022-09-29 2:16:37 AM  
2 votes:

iToad: Looks like I've got three strikes against me.

/short
//fat
///ugly


I was telling me ex the other day, I should go gay. I have more in common with men.
But. Then again men are gross 😝 😒 😑
 
2022-09-29 2:29:24 AM  
2 votes:
I don't know anything about Bezos' ex-wife except she's clearly a better person than he is in pretty much every possible way. Which is admittedly not a particularly difficult hurdle to clear. But she seems to have her sh*t together. Good for her. I hope she finds someone to love in life.

As for this thread, well, I'm finding it really hard to separate the assholes from the even bigger assholes. Grow up.
 
2022-09-29 2:32:44 AM  
2 votes:
I'm disease free, recently showered, and rocking a reasonable dad-bod. Including some cargo shorts.
Too bad for her I'm already taken.
 
2022-09-29 3:03:35 AM  
2 votes:

wildcardjack: bluorangefyre: On the one hand, you're marrying a multi-billionaire.  On the other hand, she's pledged to give away like 95% of her wealth.  So you'll still end up with something resembling a Mega Millions or Powerball jackpot, but you'll also get to watch the digits slowly shrink.

But it could be hilarious to "give away" a billion dollars in the form of massive pranks. Imagine buying out a Walmart and giving the contents away as a community supermarket sweep.


Do you want a riot? Because that's how you get a riot.
 
2022-09-29 4:16:13 AM  
2 votes:

matthardingu: She is way below my standards.


She's a biatchipmunky, but I could overlook it
 
2022-09-29 8:54:36 AM  
2 votes:

Tyrone Slothrop: There is no such thing as a "billionaire philanthropist". If you have a billion dollars, you have too much money, no matter how much you've given away.


Better than billionaires who throw money at conservative causes to try to sustain hegemony.
 
2022-09-29 1:16:48 AM  
1 vote:
Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2022-09-29 1:18:07 AM  
1 vote:

Claude Ballse: No matter how beautiful, and/or rich she is, someone's tired of her shiat.


Well she filed... So there's that.
 
2022-09-29 1:27:23 AM  
1 vote:
She probably found someone before starting the divorce stuff.
 
2022-09-29 1:35:05 AM  
1 vote:
Sweet. I'll grab a booth at Mikes Chili for two.
 
2022-09-29 1:36:44 AM  
1 vote:

jst3p: ace in your face: Christ, could the single men out there wash their clothes, bodies and brush their teeth for us gals who aren't billionaires? No one wants to suck your dick if you stink.

What do you bring to the table beyond sucking dick? Learn to cook or give sound financial advice, bring something else to the table. You all suck dick.


Actually I found an amazing woman once. She didn't blow.
What a damn shame. She is the most epic lady ever.
10 in every aspect.
 
2022-09-29 1:39:27 AM  
1 vote:

jst3p: ace in your face: Christ, could the single men out there wash their clothes, bodies and brush their teeth for us gals who aren't billionaires? No one wants to suck your dick if you stink.

What do you bring to the table beyond sucking dick? Learn to cook or give sound financial advice, bring something else to the table. You all suck dick.


I used to think you weren't a terrible person.
 
2022-09-29 1:45:05 AM  
1 vote:

jst3p: waxbeans: jst3p: ace in your face: Christ, could the single men out there wash their clothes, bodies and brush their teeth for us gals who aren't billionaires? No one wants to suck your dick if you stink.

What do you bring to the table beyond sucking dick? Learn to cook or give sound financial advice, bring something else to the table. You all suck dick.

Actually I found an amazing woman once. She didn't blow.
What a damn shame. She is the most epic lady ever.
10 in every aspect.

I mean for the right woman I could see accepting no BJs. It isn't a deal breaker. But she would have to be great in a lot of other areas.


Yeah. Definitely.
But. Oral is the only thing that works now that I'm old. I guess my tight fist messed up what makes me arrive.  My bad luck i guess.
But yeah very valid point.  But. I couldn't handle the blue balls.
 
2022-09-29 1:53:48 AM  
1 vote:

waxbeans: culebra: Intriguing. I thought for sure this was the MTG thread! She may seem hot to trot fellas, but word is she's actually seeking a stable relationship.

Relationships are hell


Only if you're self-centered.
 
2022-09-29 1:57:45 AM  
1 vote:
No doubt that's an unfortunate photo of a lovely woman
but that jaw looks like a bear trap.
 
2022-09-29 1:59:40 AM  
1 vote:

Gawdzila: ace in your face: Christ, could the single men out there wash their clothes, bodies and brush their teeth for us gals who aren't billionaires? No one wants to suck your dick if you stink.

Don't feel bad, I doubt they could even do that consistently for a billionaire. After like 4 or 5 dates they'd figure it's in the bag and stop trying so hard. I mean that stuff takes so much effort.


It does.
It takes me an hour just to shave.
I have to also, moisturize.
Got clean clothes.
Never mind Ideally you should hit the gym regularly.
See a dentist.
Be not only employed but moving up in the ladder.
Don't play video games.
Oh and then there is the butt kissing.
Dealing with their family.
Dealing one's own family.
Dealing with their friends.
Oh and Dealing with their job.
Cleaning the butt kiss off the toilet.
Sweeping.
Dishes washed.  Dishes used.
Not eat in bed.
Not eat while watching TV.
No more porn.
No more strip club.
No more concerts.
Remember February 14.
Deal with who to vist in Thanksgiving
Christmas
Anniversaries.
Birthdays.
The eventual wedding.

fark life. fark it in the farking ear
 
2022-09-29 2:01:12 AM  
1 vote:

culebra: waxbeans: culebra: Intriguing. I thought for sure this was the MTG thread! She may seem hot to trot fellas, but word is she's actually seeking a stable relationship.

Relationships are hell

You sound like you need a hug.


🥺
 
2022-09-29 2:05:59 AM  
1 vote:
Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2022-09-29 7:30:31 AM  
1 vote:

The Irresponsible Captain: I'm disease free, recently showered, and rocking a reasonable dad-bod. Including some cargo shorts.
Too bad for her I'm already taken.


Similar, but for a shot at a billion dollars, I think Mrs. Pungent might be flexible in the short term...
 
2022-09-29 7:52:45 AM  
1 vote:
No snark here for once, I truly wished for better for her. She is obviously a very fine person, and she deserves every happiness.
 
2022-09-29 9:38:39 AM  
1 vote:

jst3p: The Exit Stencilist: If you think you can compete with a 5'7" dick, go for it

If I can get her to squint just right I am in like Flynn.


I misread "squint" as "SQUIRT" and yes, if you can get her to squirt I'm pretty sure you're in.
 
2022-09-29 9:41:36 AM  
1 vote:

ace in your face: Christ, could the single men out there wash their clothes, bodies and brush their teeth for us gals who aren't billionaires? No one wants to suck your dick if you stink.


Put down the cigarettes and lay off the alcohol, we'll have a deal.
 
2022-09-29 10:48:55 AM  
1 vote:
Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2022-09-29 1:04:44 PM  
1 vote:

Incog_Neeto: ace in your face: Christ, could the single men out there wash their clothes, bodies and brush their teeth for us gals who aren't billionaires? No one wants to suck your dick if you stink.

If you can't handle me at my smelliest, you don't deserve me at my cleanest


This
 
2022-09-29 1:14:47 PM  
1 vote:

Tyrone Slothrop: There is no such thing as a "billionaire philanthropist". If you have a billion dollars, you have too much money, no matter how much you've given away.


How about "billionaire philanthrapist"?
 
2022-09-29 1:52:24 PM  
1 vote:
Billionaires shouldn't be sought after.

Billionaires are abominable byproducts of an evil system and shouldn't exist.
 
2022-09-29 2:39:24 PM  
1 vote:

bluejeansonfire: Billionaires shouldn't be sought after.

Billionaires are abominable byproducts of an evil system and shouldn't exist.


Sounds logical.  But, she married a dude that became a billionaire.  Maybe it's why she did very un-billionaire-like things in giving away billions soon after her divorce settlement landed in her accounts.
 
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