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(News.com.au)   This thread is dildos (not safe for work)   (news.com.au) divider line
    More: Amusing  
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3441 clicks; posted to Main » on 19 Aug 2022 at 9:59 AM (6 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook



45 Comments     (+0 »)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2022-08-19 9:21:31 AM  
Preps were a threesome, huh? Must have been an inside job. Set up a perimeter and work your way in from the rim. Go slow, and don't miss anything. That's right. Feel out every nook and cranny. Get in there deep and keep on pushing. Sooner or later, they'll all come together.
 
2022-08-19 9:36:37 AM  
* whistles nonchalantly *
 
2022-08-19 10:00:34 AM  
An encrusted vibrator doesn't sound very fun 😕
 
2022-08-19 10:02:47 AM  
content.api.newsView Full Size

PAIGE, YES!
 
2022-08-19 10:03:23 AM  
"Encrusted" and "sex toy" should never, ever be in the same article
 
2022-08-19 10:03:56 AM  
FTFA: "The only items left behind were books and LGBTQI+ merchandise."

We're looking for straight people who can't read.

Farkers (as usual) amongst the prime suspects.
 
2022-08-19 10:06:48 AM  
A lot of buzz about this story...
 
2022-08-19 10:07:17 AM  
Just what I needed.  An article telling me I'm too poor to have sex.
 
2022-08-19 10:09:53 AM  
I assume they have a GoFundMe that we can dildonate to?
 
2022-08-19 10:10:54 AM  

Nirbo: We're looking for straight people who can't read.


That's not going to narrow it down much in Texas.
 
2022-08-19 10:11:05 AM  
Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2022-08-19 10:12:33 AM  
Sounds like the premise for the porn version of Maltese Falcon.
 
2022-08-19 10:13:12 AM  
Emma Frost wanted for questioning.
 
2022-08-19 10:13:55 AM  

Prank Call of Cthulhu: [content.api.news image 850x478]
PAIGE, YES!


I gotta tell you, that is just about the ugliest vibe I've ever seen.  My hands hurt just looking at it.  Oh sure, the business end will get her of, but the grip end... Orbital Disc Sander.  Yikes.
 
2022-08-19 10:14:07 AM  
If they are caught while in possession of more than six dildos they might be in some real trouble.
 
2022-08-19 10:14:49 AM  

Cheron: Sounds like the premise for the porn version of Maltese Falcon.


Maltese Phallus.
 
2022-08-19 10:15:32 AM  

Archie Goodwin: Cheron: Sounds like the premise for the porn version of Maltese Falcon.

Maltese Phallus.


Peter Lorre was already a pretty good porn name.
 
2022-08-19 10:16:01 AM  
Article says the thieves haven't been nailed yet. How does he know?
 
2022-08-19 10:16:19 AM  

Nirbo: FTFA: "The only items left behind were books and LGBTQI+ merchandise."

We're looking for straight people who can't read.

Farkers (as usual) amongst the prime suspects.


No I'm doesn't!
 
2022-08-19 10:16:52 AM  
Who wears a white sox jersey in texas?
 
2022-08-19 10:19:40 AM  
"surveillance video catching the creeps breaking into the front door, then filling bags with sex toys, lubricants and lingerie before bolting in a truck"

"If y'all recognise these men, the truck, or see any of our stolen items on Facebook Marketplace or local flea markets, please let us know."


So uhh... is there really that much of a secondary market for used sex toys and lingerie? I had a vastly different mental image of flea markets in Texas.

Alternatively, maybe this was all for personal use? They should keep a look out at the hospital for any men matching the descriptions going into the ER with extreme chafing.
 
2022-08-19 10:21:37 AM  
Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2022-08-19 10:22:15 AM  
Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2022-08-19 10:22:17 AM  

DoganSquirrelSlayer: "surveillance video catching the creeps breaking into the front door, then filling bags with sex toys, lubricants and lingerie before bolting in a truck"

"If y'all recognise these men, the truck, or see any of our stolen items on Facebook Marketplace or local flea markets, please let us know."

So uhh... is there really that much of a secondary market for used sex toys and lingerie? I had a vastly different mental image of flea markets in Texas.

Alternatively, maybe this was all for personal use? They should keep a look out at the hospital for any men matching the descriptions going into the ER with extreme chafing.


Honestly, from my limited knowledge, most (not all, but most) toys are used either by or on women, and they tend to have their own toys. From my very limited knowledge.

I have this image of a few rednecks thinking that they can make a cow happy.
 
2022-08-19 10:25:56 AM  

GrendelMk1: I have this image of a few rednecks thinking that they can make a cow happy.


Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2022-08-19 10:31:40 AM  

Prank Call of Cthulhu: [content.api.news image 850x478]
PAIGE, YES!


If that thing is worth $15k I'll bust out a bedazzler and make a million $ one in minutes.
I love how brands can slap some crap on something and everyone goes crazy for it.  That thing looks like they use their leftover, least used "gems" and gave it to the person who answers the phone and said to glue some shiat on this thing.
 
2022-08-19 10:34:34 AM  
Like a blind man at an orgy, I was going to have to feel my way through.
 
2022-08-19 10:35:22 AM  

GrendelMk1: DoganSquirrelSlayer: "surveillance video catching the creeps breaking into the front door, then filling bags with sex toys, lubricants and lingerie before bolting in a truck"

"If y'all recognise these men, the truck, or see any of our stolen items on Facebook Marketplace or local flea markets, please let us know."

So uhh... is there really that much of a secondary market for used sex toys and lingerie? I had a vastly different mental image of flea markets in Texas.

Alternatively, maybe this was all for personal use? They should keep a look out at the hospital for any men matching the descriptions going into the ER with extreme chafing.

Honestly, from my limited knowledge, most (not all, but most) toys are used either by or on women, and they tend to have their own toys. From my very limited knowledge.

I have this image of a few rednecks thinking that they can make a cow happy.


Moo.

Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2022-08-19 10:41:30 AM  

GrendelMk1: I have this image of a few rednecks thinking that they can make a cow happy.


Why not? They're skilled at making the bulls and stallions happy for semen collection. Sometimes even for professional reasons.
 
2022-08-19 10:43:42 AM  

Prank Call of Cthulhu: [content.api.news image 850x478]
PAIGE, YES!


I think that one's nicknamed "The show stopper".
 
2022-08-19 10:49:05 AM  
The pink one must be so sad. Just discarded an left behind..IT wants to please too!!!!!

Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2022-08-19 10:51:51 AM  

The Irresponsible Captain: Moo.

[Fark user image 300x169]


Tap tap

Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2022-08-19 11:03:43 AM  
CSB time:  A young man shows up for his first day on the job in a sex shop.   He is very keen to impress the owner.  At one point the owner leaves for a while and the young man is left in charge.

Minutes later a woman walks in and asks, "How much is that white dildo there?"  "$29.95, ma'am" says he.
"And how much is that red one on the next shelf?"   "That one is $49.95."
"Well, I'll take the white one, then."  He wraps it up and she leaves.

A few minutes later another woman comes in and she inquires about the same two dildos.  But she buys the more expensive red one.

Then a very wealthy cougar-type woman with furs, diamonds, Gucci bag and a small poodle in a shoulder bag flounces in.  "Oh, young man....How much is that white dildo?"  "$29.95"  "Oh, nononono that won't do. How much is the red one?"  "$49.95" he replies.  The woman tsk's and starts craning her neck around and suddenly her face lights up.  Pointing, she says, "How much is that Plaid one on the shelf there behind you?"  The lad looks confused for a second but then gathers himself.  "Oh, that's a very special model, ma'am.  It sells for $500.00"  The woman smiles and says, "Oh, I'll have that one!!".  She pays and sashays out the door.

A few minutes later the owner comes back and asks the young man, "How did things go in my absence? "  The young man beams, "Well I sold one of the white dildos for  $29.95 and another woman bought a red dildo for $49.95 and then this really rich old lady came in and bought my Thermos bottle for  500 bucks!"
 
2022-08-19 11:09:18 AM  
Looks like a cheese grater, yeeowch
 
2022-08-19 11:27:44 AM  

UncleDirtNap: Prank Call of Cthulhu: [content.api.news image 850x478]
PAIGE, YES!

I think that one's nicknamed "The show stopper".


That's an external vibrator, ding dongs.


So I'm told.
 
2022-08-19 1:22:34 PM  

Marcos P: An encrusted vibrator doesn't sound very fun 😕



If it comes (heh) that way, no... If you makeit that way, maybe...
 
2022-08-19 1:26:51 PM  

EdgeRunner: GrendelMk1: I have this image of a few rednecks thinking that they can make a cow happy.

Why not? They're skilled at making the bulls and stallions happy for semen collection. Sometimes even for professional reasons.


Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2022-08-19 1:29:23 PM  
Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2022-08-19 1:45:18 PM  
A dildo does not belong to a thread, it belongs to all of Fark without being specific.
 
2022-08-19 2:04:06 PM  

ElecricalPast: "Encrusted" and "sex toy" should never, ever be in the same article


If your sex toy is encrusted, I suggest...

i.ebayimg.comView Full Size
 
2022-08-19 3:00:29 PM  
I thought sex toys were illegal in Republican Texas.
 
2022-08-19 3:44:25 PM  

SLOBODAN: The pink one must be so sad. Just discarded an left behind..IT wants to please too!!!!!

[Fark user image 233x188]


"Excuse me (maa'm or sir), I think your buttplug fell out.."


/ probably not something anyone wants to hear the clerk at the DMV say...
 
2022-08-19 4:06:46 PM  
external-content.duckduckgo.comView Full Size
 
2022-08-19 7:58:09 PM  

GrendelMk1: Honestly, from my limited knowledge, most (not all, but most) toys are used either by or on women, and they tend to have their own toys. From my very limited knowledge.


If I may expand your... knowledge slightly, men are generally very interested in anything that either has a hole or can be put into one. Women tend to be a little more shy about the subject but, your teenage son has definitely farked more than his share of gym socks, and might be interested in a few dildos and inflatable sheep.

Never ask your kids about this, even the sheep, and talk to a salesperson. They can probably steer you to the right aisle. Your hobbies are acceptable, and we never ask why they buzz a little. Your son has probably already tried all of them, but you don't want to talk with him about it or find out where he wedged that one.
 
2022-08-19 11:14:38 PM  
FTFA: "The only items left behind were books and LGBTQI+ merchandise."

So it was Republicans.
 
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