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(The Onion)   Police Did Great Job, Police Say   (theonion.com) divider line
    More: Satire, Police, actions of local law enforcement, local law enforcement, press time, grand jury, Jury, police department, Law  
•       •       •

2706 clicks; posted to Main » on 08 Aug 2022 at 4:36 PM (16 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook



18 Comments     (+0 »)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2022-08-08 3:40:18 PM  
It's not satire The Onion if you just copy-paste the Uvalde shooting response.
 
2022-08-08 4:06:03 PM  
When did the Onion become a straight "news' site?
 
2022-08-08 4:07:23 PM  
At press time, a grand jury was reportedly convening to investigate accusations of police misconduct.

Oh - nevermind.  That has to be fake.
 
2022-08-08 4:08:30 PM  
If you're looking for capital "T" Truth, listen to philosophers or comedians.

There is more Truth in a single Onion article than a week's worth of CNN drivel.
 
2022-08-08 4:39:48 PM  
I'm glad the Onion goes the extra mile and confirmed this with the local police department.
 
2022-08-08 4:40:29 PM  

SoupGuru: If you're looking for capital "T" Truth, listen to philosophers or comedians.

There is more Truth in a single Onion article than a week's worth of CNN drivel.


I prefer the Standup Philosophers
 
2022-08-08 4:40:46 PM  
Holy shiat, they really said that?
 
2022-08-08 4:41:02 PM  
Nice police are nice to me.

Adam Buxton NWA - Help the Police (laugh track removed)
Youtube iZyqwOOmETI
 
2022-08-08 4:42:31 PM  

SoupGuru: If you're looking for capital "T" Truth, listen to philosophers or comedians.

There is more Truth in a single Onion article than a week's worth of CNN drivel.


I often use this article to demonstrate this fact:
Fark user imageView Full Size

Like, there was a point where this article went viral on Twitter, and everybody was like "woah, The Onion is from the future," but really... The fact that the Iraq war was a bad idea was just blisteringly obvious to anybody paying attention, and they were calling the 24 hour news media's propensity for showing 'both sides' was a fool's errand when one side  literally had nothing of substance to stand on.
 
2022-08-08 4:44:22 PM  
Anyway, in hindsight, my first clue that police are absolutely terrible at their jobs should've been how half of the unsolved true crime mysteries o listen to are always like "police ruled the death a suicide... But that doesn't explain how the victim managed to shoot themselves in the back 12 times."
 
2022-08-08 4:48:00 PM  
I'm fond of this summary:

Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2022-08-08 4:49:18 PM  

HighlanderRPI: SoupGuru: If you're looking for capital "T" Truth, listen to philosophers or comedians.

There is more Truth in a single Onion article than a week's worth of CNN drivel.

I prefer the Standup Philosophers


Are we airplane peanuts or are airplane peanuts us?
 
2022-08-08 4:56:34 PM  

MattytheMouse: Anyway, in hindsight, my first clue that police are absolutely terrible at their jobs should've been how half of the unsolved true crime mysteries o listen to are always like "police ruled the death a suicide... But that doesn't explain how the victim managed to shoot themselves in the back 12 times."


"Well, you see, suicide is *technically* murder, so in order to make sure the criminal doesn't get away with it we had to use deadly force, unless we accidentally drew our handguns instead of our tasers, which we also do a lot. Is it too late to turn off our bodycams?"
 
2022-08-08 5:09:27 PM  

AtomicBanana: MattytheMouse: Anyway, in hindsight, my first clue that police are absolutely terrible at their jobs should've been how half of the unsolved true crime mysteries o listen to are always like "police ruled the death a suicide... But that doesn't explain how the victim managed to shoot themselves in the back 12 times."

"Well, you see, suicide is *technically* murder, so in order to make sure the criminal doesn't get away with it we had to use deadly force, unless we accidentally drew our handguns instead of our tasers, which we also do a lot. Is it too late to turn off our bodycams?"


Harvester: Death by natural causes
Youtube WBXW40Yg4LE
 
2022-08-08 5:29:15 PM  

MattytheMouse: SoupGuru: If you're looking for capital "T" Truth, listen to philosophers or comedians.

There is more Truth in a single Onion article than a week's worth of CNN drivel.

I often use this article to demonstrate this fact:
[Fark user image 425x407]
Like, there was a point where this article went viral on Twitter, and everybody was like "woah, The Onion is from the future," but really... The fact that the Iraq war was a bad idea was just blisteringly obvious to anybody paying attention, and they were calling the 24 hour news media's propensity for showing 'both sides' was a fool's errand when one side  literally had nothing of substance to stand on.


Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2022-08-08 5:37:28 PM  

Benevolent Misanthrope: When did the Onion become a straight "news' site?


2000.  The Bush "We will end this long national nightmare of peace and prosperity" speech in particular.  That was the tell tale heart indicating that the Onion couldn't compete with reality.
 
2022-08-08 5:51:33 PM  
They also determined that "Synchronicity" is the greatest rock album of all time.
 
2022-08-08 6:18:17 PM  

Benevolent Misanthrope: When did the Onion become a straight "news' site?


November 8, 2016.
 
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