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(Lifehacker)   (And there's no dressing in it.)   (lifehacker.com) divider line
    More: Unlikely, Water, Ranch water, Hard seltzer, Drink, Topo Chico, tiny bit of simple syrup, little room, Coca-Cola  
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913 clicks; posted to Food » on 05 Aug 2022 at 7:38 PM (13 days ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook



33 Comments     (+0 »)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2022-08-05 5:36:18 PM  
good one, Subs!
 
2022-08-05 7:41:32 PM  
Sorry I read the headline and backed the fark out of there
 
2022-08-05 7:44:24 PM  
How the fark is this "ranch water"?
Because this is from a Mexican Rancho?
Really? If you've ever been on a Mexican Rancho, you'd notice they just drink the farking tequila, 1/2 the time without lime. There is no "sparkling water" involved.
 
2022-08-05 7:55:46 PM  
Whomever owns the rights to Zima is probably about to unleash that evil upon the world again.
 
2022-08-05 8:36:46 PM  
FTFA: "...build the drink write in the bottle."

Clare's been in the (ranch) sauce again.
 
2022-08-05 8:37:32 PM  
Definitely saving this, it's hard to find ranch waters around here that don't come in a massive 12 pack.
 
2022-08-05 8:46:39 PM  

Percise1: How the fark is this "ranch water"?
Because this is from a Mexican Rancho?
Really? If you've ever been on a Mexican Rancho, you'd notice they just drink the farking tequila, 1/2 the time without lime. There is no "sparkling water" involved.


It came from Texas. The common origin story is that a rancher in West Texas came up with the drink in the 1960s and a bar owner called it Ranch Water. Some say it started out as a margarita with sparkling water, but the simple syrup and orange liqueur got taken out.

But it's obviously a Rickey made with tequila instead of the usual bourbon, rye whiskey, or gin. The Rickey has been around since the 1880s.
 
2022-08-05 10:09:39 PM  
If you were drinking underage and the guys trying to have sex with you had Smirnoff Ice, you are too young for me to take you seriously. You had bad taste in men and alcohol back then and I doubt either has changed.
 
2022-08-05 10:32:02 PM  
It's Clare, I would have expected something more like this:

Dirty Mexican Cocktail
Mixed Drink Recipe from Cocktail Builder1 oz of Tequila
1 tsp of hellmann's mayonnaise

Pour the tequila into a shot glass. Add Hellman's mayonaise, so that it begins to dissolve. Shoot before it is completely dissolved.
 
2022-08-05 11:13:18 PM  

Cyber Duck: It's Clare, I would have expected something more like this:

Dirty Mexican Cocktail
Mixed Drink Recipe from Cocktail Builder1 oz of Tequila
1 tsp of hellmann's mayonnaise

Pour the tequila into a shot glass. Add Hellman's mayonaise, so that it begins to dissolve. Shoot before it is completely dissolved.


That's not real.

/Please, by the gods, don't let this be real.
 
2022-08-05 11:19:34 PM  

Kirkenhegelstein: Cyber Duck: It's Clare, I would have expected something more like this:

Dirty Mexican Cocktail
Mixed Drink Recipe from Cocktail Builder1 oz of Tequila
1 tsp of hellmann's mayonnaise

Pour the tequila into a shot glass. Add Hellman's mayonaise, so that it begins to dissolve. Shoot before it is completely dissolved.

That's not real.

/Please, by the gods, don't let this be real.


It's real in the sense that it came from a real website: https://www.cocktailbuilder.com/recipe/dirty-mexican
Whether anyone has actually made or drank one?  Who knows?
 
2022-08-05 11:20:52 PM  

Cyber Duck: It's Clare, I would have expected something more like this:

Dirty Mexican Cocktail
Mixed Drink Recipe from Cocktail Builder1 oz of Tequila
1 tsp of hellmann's mayonnaise

Pour the tequila into a shot glass. Add Hellman's mayonaise, so that it begins to dissolve. Shoot before it is completely dissolved.


The Japanese have cocktails with mayo in them and as a rim on the glass.
chinadaily.com.cnView Full Size
 
jbc [TotalFark]
2022-08-05 11:24:26 PM  

Kirkenhegelstein: Cyber Duck: It's Clare, I would have expected something more like this:

Dirty Mexican Cocktail
Mixed Drink Recipe from Cocktail Builder1 oz of Tequila
1 tsp of hellmann's mayonnaise

Pour the tequila into a shot glass. Add Hellman's mayonaise, so that it begins to dissolve. Shoot before it is completely dissolved.

That's not real.

/Please, by the gods, don't let this be real.


Another website

Claire would likely garnish with an air fried pickle.
 
2022-08-05 11:26:28 PM  
The people at Lifehacker sound like people who would like a festive glass of ranch eggnog from Hidden Valley.
media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.comView Full Size
 
2022-08-05 11:50:01 PM  

eyeq360: Cyber Duck: It's Clare, I would have expected something more like this:

Dirty Mexican Cocktail
Mixed Drink Recipe from Cocktail Builder1 oz of Tequila
1 tsp of hellmann's mayonnaise

Pour the tequila into a shot glass. Add Hellman's mayonaise, so that it begins to dissolve. Shoot before it is completely dissolved.

The Japanese have cocktails with mayo in them and as a rim on the glass.
[chinadaily.com.cn image 242x290]


Japan is the one place on Earth you can buy schoolgirls' used panties from vending machines. What I'm saying is I'm not convinced that's mayo on the rim of the glass.
 
2022-08-06 1:51:11 AM  

eyeq360: Cyber Duck: It's Clare, I would have expected something more like this:

Dirty Mexican Cocktail
Mixed Drink Recipe from Cocktail Builder1 oz of Tequila
1 tsp of hellmann's mayonnaise

Pour the tequila into a shot glass. Add Hellman's mayonaise, so that it begins to dissolve. Shoot before it is completely dissolved.

The Japanese have cocktails with mayo in them and as a rim on the glass.
[chinadaily.com.cn image 242x290]


I can't tell if that sample is being given to the sperm bank or taken from.  Kinda ambiguous.
 
2022-08-06 1:53:46 AM  

jbc: Kirkenhegelstein: Cyber Duck: It's Clare, I would have expected something more like this:

Dirty Mexican Cocktail
Mixed Drink Recipe from Cocktail Builder1 oz of Tequila
1 tsp of hellmann's mayonnaise

Pour the tequila into a shot glass. Add Hellman's mayonaise, so that it begins to dissolve. Shoot before it is completely dissolved.

That's not real.

/Please, by the gods, don't let this be real.

Another website

Claire would likely garnish with an air fried pickle.


Huh; I would like to update step 2 to read as follows "Add the mayonnaise and shoot yourself in the face for making such poor life choices. Yikes on bikes, how did you get this low? Go to an AA meeting. Now."
 
2022-08-06 2:53:53 AM  
Chilled brandy with a dash of creme de menthe in a frozen glass is refreshing.
Tequila is dangerous and can change your life in unexpected and regrettable ways.
Zima was a Coors product. Now you know who to blame.
 
2022-08-06 3:03:14 AM  

Ragin' Asian: Whomever owns the rights to Zima is probably about to unleash that evil upon the world again.


Molsen Coors owns the rights just like they always have, and they already re-released it in 2017 and 2018 in the US. In Japan it never went away until 2020, one of so many Covid casualties.
 
2022-08-06 4:08:54 AM  
I have gotten to the Jedi Master or Sith Lord point where I can detect a Claire headline without even trying.
 
2022-08-06 8:00:08 AM  

Aussie_As: eyeq360: Cyber Duck: It's Clare, I would have expected something more like this:

Dirty Mexican Cocktail
Mixed Drink Recipe from Cocktail Builder1 oz of Tequila
1 tsp of hellmann's mayonnaise

Pour the tequila into a shot glass. Add Hellman's mayonaise, so that it begins to dissolve. Shoot before it is completely dissolved.

The Japanese have cocktails with mayo in them and as a rim on the glass.
[chinadaily.com.cn image 242x290]

Japan is the one place on Earth you can buy schoolgirls' used panties from vending machines. What I'm saying is I'm not convinced that's mayo on the rim of the glass.


It's mayo on the rim.
FTA: also offers "Mayoty Dog", which tastes like the vodka-based cocktail Salty Dog but is served in a glass with mayonnaise on its rim instead of salt.
 
2022-08-06 8:44:14 AM  

Axeofjudgement: Sorry I read the headline and backed the fark out of there


i tried, but my curiosity forced me onward.

don't worry, all you missed is CLAIRE straight f*cking with us.

after declaring that a captain and diet is too sickly sweet to imbibe, even as a teenager, she announces a "perfect summer drink" is topo chico, lime juice, and blanco tequila.

but she names this beverage "ranch water" because she's trolling us now.

just as "ranch style beans" do not contain ranch dressing, neither does her "new" steltzer water thingee.


and still, that name and headline......

Fark user imageView Full Size


.........with an atom of respect?
 
2022-08-06 9:00:31 AM  
this also scores quite high on my "claire's autobiography scale" that i use on her "food" writing.

for now we learn that when claire was "underage to drink" she was hanging and drinking with a crew of men "in their late 20s" which strikes me as slightly odd?

so CLAIRE was like 17-20 but all her dude friends and her bestie's boyfriend were like 28-30? not the more average college friend crew of the guys (and some girls) being 21-23 or something?

and by 19 claire was married......

i think we just learned she married Wooderson!

jeezus

(thank god i'm about to go on a boat and forget about CLAIRE for a while)
 
2022-08-06 9:11:51 AM  
FTFA:
we drank a lot of Captain Morgan and Diet Coke, Mike's Hard Lemonade, and Smirnoff Ices, all three of which were pretty gross.

Wait, you think these mundane (albeit sweet, in the case of Mike's Hard) things are gross?

Go back to swigging your mayonnaise jar.  You make no sense, Claire.

luna1580: (thank god i'm about to go on a boat and forget about CLAIRE for a while)


Please pack my utter confounded fascination re: Claire with you.  And then dump it in the ocean.

/Have fun in the gulf!
 
2022-08-06 9:15:05 AM  

luna1580: (thank god i'm about to go on a boat and forget about CLAIRE for a while)


If any of the crew is called "Gilligan," that's a bad sign. Your three hour tour may turn into Survivor.
 
2022-08-06 9:29:36 AM  

red5ish: Chilled brandy with a dash of creme de menthe in a frozen glass is refreshing.
Tequila is dangerous and can change your life in unexpected and regrettable ways.
Zima was a Coors product. Now you know who to blame.


Brandy and creme de menthe is called a Stinger.

It's one of those "after dinner" drinks that sounds like a good idea when you're already loaded.
 
2022-08-06 9:50:40 AM  

Ragin' Asian: Whomever owns the rights to Zima is probably about to unleash that evil upon the world again.


i.imgur.comView Full Size


/obscure?
 
2022-08-06 10:26:04 AM  
A shiny quarter to whoever cannonizes (Simpsons style) Claire onto the farking moon.
 
2022-08-06 2:02:30 PM  

NINEv2: A shiny quarter to whoever cannonizes (Simpsons style) Claire onto the farking moon.


would judges also accept

pbs.twimg.comView Full Size
 
2022-08-06 4:29:48 PM  

eyeq360: But it's obviously a Rickey made with tequila instead of the usual bourbon, rye whiskey, or gin. The Rickey has been around since the 1880s.


Should we class it as a Rickey or a Collins?

The recipe calls for simple syrup, which IMO makes it a Collins.
 
2022-08-06 5:40:03 PM  

PR Deltoid: eyeq360: But it's obviously a Rickey made with tequila instead of the usual bourbon, rye whiskey, or gin. The Rickey has been around since the 1880s.

Should we class it as a Rickey or a Collins?

The recipe calls for simple syrup, which IMO makes it a Collins.


If it doesn't contain sugar or simple syrup, it's in the Rickey category as the Rickey canonically doesn't contain sugar, though some say a small amount like less than a teaspoon is OK in a Rickey.

You could call it a Collins if you add in a larger amount of sugar or simple syrup. A Collins would traditionally have lemon juice, though the Southside has lime juice (and mint) in it and is considered a Collins.

So I guess it could be either depending on how much sugar or simple syrup you add in.
 
2022-08-06 7:05:04 PM  

eyeq360: Percise1: How the fark is this "ranch water"?
Because this is from a Mexican Rancho?
Really? If you've ever been on a Mexican Rancho, you'd notice they just drink the farking tequila, 1/2 the time without lime. There is no "sparkling water" involved.

It came from Texas. The common origin story is that a rancher in West Texas came up with the drink in the 1960s and a bar owner called it Ranch Water. Some say it started out as a margarita with sparkling water, but the simple syrup and orange liqueur got taken out.

But it's obviously a Rickey made with tequila instead of the usual bourbon, rye whiskey, or gin. The Rickey has been around since the 1880s.


How many other horror stories have started the same way?
Texas, or underaged girl drinks... take your pick.
 
2022-08-06 7:07:37 PM  

Harry Wagstaff: If you were drinking underage and the guys trying to have sex with you had Smirnoff Ice, you are too young for me to take you seriously. You had bad taste in men and alcohol back then and I doubt either has changed.


I was trying to avoid that entire aspect, but since you mentioned it.... yeah, I caught that.
Where (fly over) is Claire hiding in?
 
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