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(Slate)   "My family kicked me out for being gay, so I didn't invite them to my wedding. Naturally, they are upset. But was I wrong?"   (slate.com) divider line
    More: Sad, Family, Want, Dear Prudence, close friends, trust fund, idea Gray, Last year, healthy relationship  
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501 clicks; posted to Discussion » on 02 Jul 2022 at 2:38 PM (6 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook



40 Comments     (+0 »)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2022-07-02 11:11:50 AM  
No, but a chance at reconciliation was missed.
 
2022-07-02 11:16:51 AM  
fark all of those assholes. If I had a nephew or niece that needed a roof over their heads due to a situation like this I would offer it unconditionally. And I would read my sibling the riot act while I was at it.
 
2022-07-02 11:27:53 AM  

cretinbob: No, but a chance at reconciliation was missed.


Yeah, and a rapist should always be brought to the victim's birthday parties too.  **eyeroll**

The aggrieved isn't required to kowtow to the fee-fees of the assailant.  If you want forgiveness, you are required to make the affirmative act, not wait until the person you wronged kowtows to you and offers themselves up as you slave.  I assume you think the Jews have done wrong by not lining up at the camps again to give the Nazis another chance.
 
2022-07-02 11:35:18 AM  
repeat article, but if no family was close enough to show support for the relationship then none of them were entitled to attend the wedding - no matter who was getting married.
 
2022-07-02 11:36:59 AM  
[Rs TFA]

You were not wrong. Congratulations, and may you have a long and happy marriage.
 
2022-07-02 11:43:25 AM  

thecactusman17: repeat article, but if no family was close enough to show support for the relationship then none of them were entitled to attend the wedding - no matter who was getting married.


They aren't even entitled then.  There are only two people entitled to be at a wedding - the two principals (the officiant is a requirement, not at entitlement).  Everyone else is there at their suffrage, and their suffrage alone.  Full stop.  And no reason is required to anyone.  If you get an invitation, you go "Yay! They like me!"; if not, you shrug and go about your day without regret or rancor.  Anything else is being a farking coont.
 
2022-07-02 11:49:42 AM  
Not in the least.
 
2022-07-02 11:52:00 AM  
The guests you invite to your wedding aren't just there for fun. They're there because they agree to support your marriage, not just on that day, but for the duration. If anyone doesn't agree to do that, they shouldn't be at your wedding.
 
2022-07-02 12:01:44 PM  
It's just something for them to complain about. I doubt that they would have shown up.
 
2022-07-02 12:01:53 PM  
People are selfish morons.

Film at 11.

Anyway...

The last wedding (for a first cousin) I attended in 2016 was the last one that I will ever attend.  Marriage is b.s., in my opinion.  And I am probably the most selfish of morons.
 
2022-07-02 12:02:37 PM  
The LW is specifically referring to the aunt, uncle, and cousin whom they reached out to for help after their own parents kicked them out. LW came to them in need and was turned away and basically disowned by them. So the correct answer is "no, he doesn't". They weren't there for him when he needed them, so he's completely in the right to not wanting to have anything to do with them.
 
2022-07-02 12:26:06 PM  

phalamir: cretinbob: No, but a chance at reconciliation was missed.

Yeah, and a rapist should always be brought to the victim's birthday parties too.  **eyeroll**

The aggrieved isn't required to kowtow to the fee-fees of the assailant.  If you want forgiveness, you are required to make the affirmative act, not wait until the person you wronged kowtows to you and offers themselves up as you slave.  I assume you think the Jews have done wrong by not lining up at the camps again to give the Nazis another chance.


So equating being gay with rape is the argument you want to make?

I get it, someone did something bad to you, but reconciliation would be for you, not them, and you clearly have stuff to reconcile.
 
2022-07-02 1:28:44 PM  
From TFA: "...naturally, they were upset."
There's a person who is the textbook example of a masochist.
 
2022-07-02 1:46:14 PM  

cretinbob: phalamir: cretinbob: No, but a chance at reconciliation was missed.

Yeah, and a rapist should always be brought to the victim's birthday parties too.  **eyeroll**

The aggrieved isn't required to kowtow to the fee-fees of the assailant.  If you want forgiveness, you are required to make the affirmative act, not wait until the person you wronged kowtows to you and offers themselves up as you slave.  I assume you think the Jews have done wrong by not lining up at the camps again to give the Nazis another chance.

So equating being gay with rape is the argument you want to make?

I get it, someone did something bad to you, but reconciliation would be for you, not them, and you clearly have stuff to reconcile.


I believe that if you want to play the equivocation game, it would be "refusing to help a relative who was outcasted for being gay" with "rape".

No they're not the same thing, and I don't think anyone was arguing that they are, but the point remains that the aggrieved party should feel no obligation to invite anyone who has significantly hurt them to what is supposed to be a happy event.

Yes, forgiveness is a good thing, and it's more of a release for the person doing the forgiving.  It doesn't need to be accomplished with wedding plates and an open bar on your day though.  You can hash this out over a cup of coffee if you want to unburden yourself.
 
2022-07-02 2:23:54 PM  

cretinbob: No, but a chance at reconciliation was missed.


No, until they realize how wrong they were for not accepting him.  Fark them.
 
2022-07-02 2:25:27 PM  

cretinbob: phalamir: cretinbob: No, but a chance at reconciliation was missed.

Yeah, and a rapist should always be brought to the victim's birthday parties too.  **eyeroll**

The aggrieved isn't required to kowtow to the fee-fees of the assailant.  If you want forgiveness, you are required to make the affirmative act, not wait until the person you wronged kowtows to you and offers themselves up as you slave.  I assume you think the Jews have done wrong by not lining up at the camps again to give the Nazis another chance.

So equating being gay with rape is the argument you want to make?

I get it, someone did something bad to you, but reconciliation would be for you, not them, and you clearly have stuff to reconcile.


Keep smoking the crockium.
 
2022-07-02 2:54:14 PM  
Ms. Prudence was far too kind and forgiving. Burn those bridges, and don't waste your time. The only way I'd open a door is if the family reached out, apologized profusely and admitted what they had done was wrong. Even then, it's up to the son to decide what kind of relationship - if any - to restart.

Too similar to what my cousin (grown and in a stable relationship) has gone through with his parents. Pisses me off, and he's been told he's always welcome and loved at my home.
 
2022-07-02 3:18:59 PM  

cretinbob: No, but a chance at reconciliation was missed.


Reconciliation starts when the people who farking disowned someone when they reacted out for help, left him on the street, on his own, actually own up to what they did, apologize, and actually do the work of not being farking homophobic assholes.  Ignoring the situation doesn't make it go away (party where only his cousins acted friendly towards him).  Acting like they're the wronged party when they weren't invited to an event that didn't involve them (see the whole disowning the kid when he was on the street) is just more BS.
 
2022-07-02 3:32:16 PM  

Hoban Washburne: cretinbob: phalamir: cretinbob: No, but a chance at reconciliation was missed.

Yeah, and a rapist should always be brought to the victim's birthday parties too.  **eyeroll**

The aggrieved isn't required to kowtow to the fee-fees of the assailant.  If you want forgiveness, you are required to make the affirmative act, not wait until the person you wronged kowtows to you and offers themselves up as you slave.  I assume you think the Jews have done wrong by not lining up at the camps again to give the Nazis another chance.

So equating being gay with rape is the argument you want to make?

I get it, someone did something bad to you, but reconciliation would be for you, not them, and you clearly have stuff to reconcile.

I believe that if you want to play the equivocation game, it would be "refusing to help a relative who was outcasted for being gay" with "rape".

No they're not the same thing, and I don't think anyone was arguing that they are, but the point remains that the aggrieved party should feel no obligation to invite anyone who has significantly hurt them to what is supposed to be a happy event.

Yes, forgiveness is a good thing, and it's more of a release for the person doing the forgiving.  It doesn't need to be accomplished with wedding plates and an open bar on your day though.  You can hash this out over a cup of coffee if you want to unburden yourself.


You have confused equivocation with equivalence. See a dictionary for more handy tips.
 
2022-07-02 3:33:07 PM  
Wait, so they haven't done so much as an "Our bad" since then, but they thought they were going to get invited to the wedding?
 
2022-07-02 3:45:21 PM  
Depends, did you really want an uncomfortable conversation on your wedding day? I mean beyond, "well what haven't already done?"
 
2022-07-02 3:56:12 PM  

hubiestubert: Depends, did you really want an uncomfortable conversation on your wedding day? I mean beyond, "well what haven't already done?"


Indeed, rarely is the question being asked.
 
2022-07-02 4:18:26 PM  
1) If Your Name Is On The Guest List, No One Can Take You Higher: Just to reiterate...they kicked you out of the house at 15.  Tell them to FRO again.

2) Grey Skies, No Rain In My Eyes: STFU and MYOB.  One, stuff happens and money is no guarantee.  Two, money may not change you but it definitely changes people around you.

3) Moving Pictures: I'm not sure it'll matter unless the friend insists on helping again in the future and you need to tell them why you are refusing.  Then tell them they farked up and to STFU.
 
2022-07-02 4:20:58 PM  

cretinbob: No, but a chance at reconciliation was missed.


Alternate take, the chance of them ruining what should be a beautiful day was averted.
 
2022-07-02 4:23:23 PM  

ZMugg: hubiestubert: Depends, did you really want an uncomfortable conversation on your wedding day? I mean beyond, "well what haven't already done?"

Indeed, rarely is the question being asked.


I appreciate you inserting, on your own, the untyped 'we" that gin stole from that sentence.

/Gin is a tricksey mistress
//But she is lovely and kind and generous
///I also imagine gin as having really nice cans. If your gonna anthromorphosize your tipple, that's the best way, I figure.
 
2022-07-02 4:53:57 PM  
I didn't invite my family, and I'm straight. But that's because I didn't have a wedding. My mom never forgave me for that. It was another item thrown onto the list of things she never forgave me for. And she had all kinds of little passive-aggressive ways of letting me know about them. She's been gone some years now, and none of it matters any longer, at all. The better memories remain, the garbage fades away.

That's the lesson. For me, anyway. Socrates: The unexamined life is not worth living. Me: Oh my god who the hell cares.
 
2022-07-02 4:54:08 PM  
When my brother got married, he had a big event. I was invited.

When my cousin got married, she did it one afternoon at a Registry Office. No one was invited.

I was equally happy at both being at or not being at both events.

My brother is now divorced, and my cousin's still married.

Her eldest son's gay and now married. I fear he might have become an American by now.
 
2022-07-02 5:43:57 PM  
Having them at your wedding *might* go okay, but it seems like strapping a quart of nitroglycerine into a paint mixer.  Better not to tempt fate.
 
2022-07-02 5:59:59 PM  
Yeah, you throw someone out like that, over bullshiat like that, they get to decide when, if ever, they ever want to speak to you or do anything with you again. And "never" is absolutely an acceptable answer to that question if they so choose.
 
2022-07-02 6:18:40 PM  
What family?


/ holds onto a grudge like grim death
 
2022-07-02 7:53:22 PM  
The comment from Prudence was spot on. No additional notes needed.
 
2022-07-02 9:42:47 PM  

cretinbob: phalamir: cretinbob: No, but a chance at reconciliation was missed.

Yeah, and a rapist should always be brought to the victim's birthday parties too.  **eyeroll**

The aggrieved isn't required to kowtow to the fee-fees of the assailant.  If you want forgiveness, you are required to make the affirmative act, not wait until the person you wronged kowtows to you and offers themselves up as you slave.  I assume you think the Jews have done wrong by not lining up at the camps again to give the Nazis another chance.

So equating being gay with rape is the argument you want to make?

I get it, someone did something bad to you, but reconciliation would be for you, not them, and you clearly have stuff to reconcile.


Kicked out at 15 years old, dude. They can fark right off. Why the hell are some people so enamored with reconciliation with horrible people? You projecting?
 
2022-07-02 10:47:38 PM  
No. They're making it all about them. Get on with your life then when you are ready invite them over for a BBQ at a park, invite your friends, lots of them. Your parents will 'curb it' and be nice or your friends will subtly, or not, remind them they are guest at your party. it's not at your home so no drama there to poison your personal environment. If they wig out it's easy for them to just say they're tired, wave a quick goodbye and leave.
 
2022-07-03 12:55:03 AM  

hubiestubert: ZMugg: hubiestubert: Depends, did you really want an uncomfortable conversation on your wedding day? I mean beyond, "well what haven't already done?"

Indeed, rarely is the question being asked.

I appreciate you inserting, on your own, the untyped 'we" that gin stole from that sentence.

/Gin is a tricksey mistress
//But she is lovely and kind and generous
///I also imagine gin as having really nice cans. If your gonna anthromorphosize your tipple, that's the best way, I figure.


As for myself, Writers' Tears is aptly named.
 
2022-07-03 1:09:09 AM  
And now time for family butt stuff
 
2022-07-03 5:02:19 AM  
The entire point of having a child is to raise it to be healthy, happy, kind and intelligent, and to take joy from that..  If your child grows up to be all those things, you've done well and should be proud.  It is not to make a clone of yourself that shares all your beliefs and preferences and if you're upset and unkind when they don't, you're the arsewipe and deserve your loneliness and isolation.

Hoping the couple have a long and happy marriage without poisonous family interference.
 
2022-07-03 6:25:04 AM  

cretinbob: No, but a chance at reconciliation was missed.


Every day of the past umpteen years that his family never reached out and apologized is a chance at reconciliation that was missed.
 
2022-07-03 9:53:19 AM  
The choice has to be with the aggrieved party, and not something someone (else) forced upon them. I know of people who tried to reconnect with someone who hurt them only to be hurt again, others that refused to even consider connecting with the person/family that hurt them and seem perfectly fine without those people in their life, and a few instances where the sides eventually did come to at least an agreement where they at least weren't nasty to each other. This last is the most unstable, because it requires both parties to be understanding and if either one isn't then the whole thing can blow up worse. Or the party being wronged during the attempted reconciliation can be really hurt (even if they had been the original perpetrator) and that usually means someone or a bunch of someones decide to go nuclear.

I know of one situation where things eventually worked out, and the people are now close friends. It took years, and separation of the parties, and finally common friends who didn't know the backstory so those friends weren't accused of trying to force things onto either side. But I know a lot more times when letting someone who really hurt or attacked someone emotionally had a chance to get back into their lives and it blew up spectacularly. I don't think I would risk it if I was EITHER side of the situation.
 
2022-07-03 1:16:07 PM  
They were upset?

Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2022-07-03 10:36:10 PM  

bayoukitty: Ms. Prudence was far too kind and forgiving. Burn those bridges, and don't waste your time. The only way I'd open a door is if the family reached out, apologized profusely and admitted what they had done was wrong. Even then, it's up to the son to decide what kind of relationship - if any - to restart.

Too similar to what my cousin (grown and in a stable relationship) has gone through with his parents. Pisses me off, and he's been told he's always welcome and loved at my home.


What brodges? The LW's relatives demolished the bridges long ago.
 
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