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(Lifehacker)   First rule of Goose Fight Club is you're going to lose   (lifehacker.com) divider line
    More: Scary, Canada Goose, Goose, Canada, Branta, Anser, Attack, United States, Geese  
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2852 clicks; posted to Main » on 13 May 2022 at 12:05 PM (9 days ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook



67 Comments     (+0 »)
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2022-05-13 10:59:24 AM  
Where's my 9 iron!
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It wouldn't have helped...
 
2022-05-13 11:11:03 AM  
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/shoresy tonite
 
2022-05-13 11:24:30 AM  
I've been chased off by a goose a couple of times before.  Just keep walking -- at a faster pace if necessary, but not running.  Just keep a wide berth.  Most of the time they won't care as long as you aren't clearly approaching them or their nest.  They'll just give you the stink eye, maybe hiss a bit, but most of the time they aren't interested in a fight unless you make aggressive moves or move toward the nest.

Rule of thumb: Whenever possible, urban geese like to nest near walls, so the male only has to guard the front, so if you're around a building and see a goose standing about keeping watch, just give it a good ten foot berth and you'll be fine.
 
2022-05-13 12:06:51 PM  
Should've ducked.
 
2022-05-13 12:08:42 PM  
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That's right, give them hope.
 
2022-05-13 12:11:48 PM  
I have found the perfect way to deal with Canada Geese:  An umbrella.

Point the umbrella at the goose and rapidly open and close it.  That produces a loud flapping noise and accompanying visual.  The goose says "That bird's bigger than me!" and runs away.

I've found this works reliably.
 
2022-05-13 12:12:32 PM  
Listen, and understand! That Canada Goose is out there! It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop... ever, until you are dead!
 
2022-05-13 12:13:36 PM  
You have to align yourself with a more powerful bird like the Blue Heron or Great Egret that is the only path to salvation from the Canada.
 
2022-05-13 12:13:48 PM  
And swans too. I have in-laws who bought swans for their lake and those birds are mean as hell. The females swans are also swan murderers. Overall, swans are just psychos. Maybe that's where the phrase "swan song" came from because they want to make it yours.
 
2022-05-13 12:14:06 PM  
And yet, if I punt one into traffic, I'm the asshole.
 
2022-05-13 12:14:28 PM  
This time of year, with goslings wobbling about everywhere, and protective parents hovering nearby ... better to just avoid going outside altogether.
 
2022-05-13 12:14:43 PM  
Ah yes, the good ol' Canada cobra chicken.
 
2022-05-13 12:15:13 PM  
Is Tyler Turducken starting an army?
 
2022-05-13 12:15:15 PM  

xxBirdMadGirlxx: Listen, and understand! That Canada Goose is out there! It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop... ever, until you are dead!


Perturbator - "Humans Are Such Easy Prey" ["Dangerous Days" Official]
Youtube Y8DekFFCE5c
 
2022-05-13 12:15:19 PM  
Those things are so nasty. They will attack you for no reason. At Hollywood Studios cast parking they had a turkey. It was not aggressive at all.
 
2022-05-13 12:15:59 PM  
FTFA:
Other methods of geese removal include using lasers
 
2022-05-13 12:16:39 PM  
If you do find yourself in a fight with a goose, and the goose is winning, it's best to look around for any small children nearby, especially babies to throw at the goose. If the kid impact of the child on the goose doesn't knock it out or kill it, it will forget all about you as it gorges on the flesh of a human child, a delicacy amongst geese
 
2022-05-13 12:18:40 PM  

Creepy Lurker Guy: I have found the perfect way to deal with Canada Geese:  An umbrella.

Point the umbrella at the goose and rapidly open and close it.  That produces a loud flapping noise and accompanying visual.  The goose says "That bird's bigger than me!" and runs away.

I've found this works reliably.


Works on seagulls too:

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2022-05-13 12:18:56 PM  
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2022-05-13 12:19:07 PM  
Oh yes, you can win.  Repost from here:

CSB:

When I used to do tech support for small businesses, one client was in a building where a VERY aggressive goose took up shop in the roundabout in front of the lobby.  It would hiss, spread its wings and charge people as they went in and out.  After I escaped its wrath on the way in, I spoke with the office manager about it and she said the goose was a terror and did it every year for like a month.

So after I finished my work a few hours later, I left, went to my SUV, and proceeded to drive the wrong way through the roundabout at a very high rate of speed, honking and coming within inches of the bird who started to charge and then frantically tried to run/fly away.  I received a call on my cell about 30 seconds later.  I answered it to a chorus of laughter before they could get words out saying, "WE SAW THAT!"  They had a cupcake waiting for me the next time I worked the site.

Unfortunately, I don't think the bird stopped its bullying ways.

/CSB
 
2022-05-13 12:19:22 PM  
We had geese when I was a kid.  The gander was pretty ornery.  If you turned your back, he would latch on to your butt.  I would grab him by the head and fling him.  Eventually he learned and would just hiss menacingly.
 
2022-05-13 12:20:21 PM  

Nullav: [Fark user image image 850x478]
That's right, give them hope.


That's such a great game/goose simulator.
 
2022-05-13 12:24:49 PM  
Second rule of Goose Fight Club:
It's not unmanly to protect the jewels...
 
2022-05-13 12:27:25 PM  
CSB: Many many years ago when I was a young pirate, my father managed a sheetrock delivery business. The place had a good sized warehouse attached to it. One fine summer day the town drunk came by while I was there. JoJo was famous for stealing anything not nailed down and selling the swag a few blocks away so he would have booze money. That day he had a white goose in a pillow case. My father being the funniest and biggest prick I have ever known told JoJo he would have to see it before he would buy it. So we went into the warehouse. My dad closed the doors and JoJo let the goose out of the bag. That goose was 7 million light years past pissed off. My dad never had any intention of buying the goose but he told JoJo that it looked too tough and to put it back in the pillow case and get the hell out. The goose bit poor old JoJo 20 times if it bit him once before he could get it back in the case. He was bleeding from his face and both arms. Once he was gone, my father laughed so hard I thought he was going to have a heart attack.

The moral of the story is do not fark with geese.
 
2022-05-13 12:27:36 PM  
Or you could, crazy idea here, kick the farking thing. It's a bird. Very thin bones.
 
2022-05-13 12:28:24 PM  

DOCTORD000M: FTFA:
Other methods of geese removal include using lasers


Picture of appropriate laser attached

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2022-05-13 12:29:40 PM  

Nullav: [Fark user image 850x478]
That's right, give them hope.


WHAT A FOWL DAY | Untitled Goose Game Song!
Youtube CjhfDQbJ3Lk
 
2022-05-13 12:29:59 PM  
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2022-05-13 12:37:47 PM  
preview.redd.itView Full Size
 
2022-05-13 12:38:13 PM  
You have to establish dominance early. I begin invariably by saying, "I have a degree in homeopathic medicine," and the goose driving the armored civil defense vehicle says, "You've got a degree in baloney."

"Alright then, so we know who's boss, don't we," is what I don't say as I turn to hide my tears.
 
2022-05-13 12:42:32 PM  
Our neighborhood a-hole goose is Benito Goosolini.
 
2022-05-13 12:43:58 PM  

Creepy Lurker Guy: I have found the perfect way to deal with Canada Geese:  An umbrella.

Point the umbrella at the goose and rapidly open and close it.  That produces a loud flapping noise and accompanying visual.  The goose says "That bird's bigger than me!" and runs away.

I've found this works reliably.


Thanks for the advice, Doctor Jones.
 
2022-05-13 12:47:07 PM  

Creepy Lurker Guy: I have found the perfect way to deal with Canada Geese:  An umbrella.

Point the umbrella at the goose and rapidly open and close it.  That produces a loud flapping noise and accompanying visual.  The goose says "That bird's bigger than me!" and runs away.

I've found this works reliably.


What happens when it's not raining?  Do the same thing with your zipper?
 
2022-05-13 12:48:13 PM  
The Canadian geese that hang out in a tiny pond in my neighborhood are always full of sauce. I haven't kicked one yet but when they come charging down the sidewalk at me I respond in kind.

/brine poultry, never marinate
 
2022-05-13 12:51:06 PM  
Grab another goose by the neck and use it as a flail to attack the first goose.
 
2022-05-13 12:51:13 PM  
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2022-05-13 12:54:34 PM  

MythDragon: Grab another goose by the neck and use it as a flail to attack the first goose.


like ninjas.
 
2022-05-13 12:56:15 PM  
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2022-05-13 12:57:12 PM  
Geese: Peace Was Never an Option
Youtube Xv9UZEOFsVw
 
2022-05-13 1:00:51 PM  
My MIL had an old goose that was mean as hell, and one afternoon the goose gets mad at my then late teen SIL. That goose proceeded to trap SIL in the barn all afternoon. When my FIL got home he had to pick himself up off the ground from laughing before he could rescue my in tears SIL.
 
2022-05-13 1:04:10 PM  
I'm gonna guess the broken bones and head injuries are from people falling down, not geese actually inflicting broken bones or head injuries.

But I do appreciate the advice to not act fearful or aggressive while under goose attack.

So ... lie back and think of England? Or do I try to hypnotize it?

We have a shiatLOAD of geese in OKC. They often nest/feed/gather in public areas, like parks, empty lots near busy traffic, medians, etc. I haven't heard of any attacks, but that doesn't mean they haven't happened.
 
2022-05-13 1:06:13 PM  
the comments went full-Redneck:

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2022-05-13 1:09:46 PM  
When I was a kid growing up in a small town there were some people who had geese that would go after anybody and everybody. Except me and my friends. When some geese charged us we turned the tables and went after them. The geese had never had anyone turn around and charge them. We chased them up and down the streets and through alleys and back yards. Absolutely unrelenting. They were doing their best to get away in shear terror. And we never passed up the opportunity to go after them even if they weren't being aggressive.
 
2022-05-13 1:10:36 PM  
We did a Mother's Day brunch at the park. There was a goose family grazing by our pavilion. They were pretty chill. Papa Goose would guide the pack away if people were too close or if dogs were coming down the trail. Other than that, they didn't care that we were there. One gosling was curious about us but Papa wouldn't let it get too close.

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2022-05-13 1:12:03 PM  

I-K-Rumba: When I was a kid growing up in a small town there were some people who had geese that would go after anybody and everybody. Except me and my friends. When some geese charged us we turned the tables and went after them. The geese had never had anyone turn around and charge them. We chased them up and down the streets and through alleys and back yards. Absolutely unrelenting. They were doing their best to get away in shear terror. And we never passed up the opportunity to go after them even if they weren't being aggressive.


So you're the ones who started the war.
 
2022-05-13 1:27:28 PM  
Cobra chickens are not to be trifled with.

Ozzy Man Reviews: Canadian Cobra Chickens
Youtube GvkkDRiLYkI
 
2022-05-13 1:36:36 PM  
I fire bottle rockets in the air to scare off the geese. Farking poop monsters.
 
2022-05-13 1:37:58 PM  
"How to Fight a Goose and Win (Just Kidding, You Won't Win)"

That's easy. While you are making your selection, have a duck tie the goose's shoelaces together while it's distracted.

"Duck, duck, duck, goose!"
<WHUMP>
 
2022-05-13 1:45:46 PM  

Alwysadydrmr: We did a Mother's Day brunch at the park. There was a goose family grazing by our pavilion. They were pretty chill. Papa Goose would guide the pack away if people were too close or if dogs were coming down the trail. Other than that, they didn't care that we were there. One gosling was curious about us but Papa wouldn't let it get too close.

[Fark user image 425x454]


Park geese can be like that. The locals might hiss at you if you get too close to the goslings but that's about it.

OTOH, the local turkeys are a menace even outside of breeding season.
 
2022-05-13 1:46:25 PM  

Creepy Lurker Guy: I have found the perfect way to deal with Canada Geese:  An umbrella.

Point the umbrella at the goose and rapidly open and close it.  That produces a loud flapping noise and accompanying visual.  The goose says "That bird's bigger than me!" and runs away.

I've found this works reliably.


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