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(Some Rabbit)   How does the Easter Bunny keep his fur looking so nice? He uses hare spray. It's your Thursday Bad Joke thread   (goodhousekeeping.com) divider line
    More: Amusing, knock-knock joke, Easter, Jokes, Joke, Easter egg, English-language films, Easter celebration, great time  
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134 clicks; posted to Discussion » on 14 Apr 2022 at 11:32 AM (11 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook



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2022-04-14 10:46:06 AM  
Did you hear about the boat full of red paint that crashed into the boat full of blue paint?  All the passengers were marooned.
 
2022-04-14 11:48:35 AM  

MattyBlast: Did you hear about the boat full of red paint that crashed into the boat full of blue paint?  All the passengers were marooned.


Ooh, nautical jokes.

I've probably told this one before:

There once was a sea captain well-respected by his crew.  He commanded the ship well and treated everyone justly, and was renowned on the seven seas.  However, at the start of every day, he'd lock himself in his stateroom, open a safe, take a piece of paper out of it, and stare at it intently.  Then he'd put the paper back in the safe and continue with the duties of the day.  The crew speculated what could be so important about that paper?  Was it a treasure map?  Some kind of secret document?  This went on for years until one day the captain died at sea.  After honors had been rendered and he had been put to rest at sea, the crew huddled around the safe to see what secrets it contained.  The first mate (now the captain) opened the safe and took out the paper to read it.  His face then went stark white.  He passed it to another crewmate who also developed a look of shock.  On the paper it read:

          Starboard right, port left.
 
2022-04-14 11:49:15 AM  
The ocean never said hello to the beach, it just waved.
 
2022-04-14 12:25:17 PM  
What do "The Sixth Sense" and "Titanic" have in common?


Icy dead people.
 
2022-04-14 12:27:01 PM  
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2022-04-14 12:35:58 PM  
What does one Easter bunny say to another if they want to flirt?

You're ear-resistable.
 
2022-04-14 1:05:09 PM  
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2022-04-14 1:05:42 PM  
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2022-04-14 1:06:23 PM  
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2022-04-14 1:06:47 PM  
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2022-04-14 1:08:18 PM  
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2022-04-14 1:08:43 PM  
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2022-04-14 1:08:53 PM  
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2022-04-14 1:09:21 PM  
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2022-04-14 1:09:49 PM  
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2022-04-14 1:10:14 PM  
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2022-04-14 1:10:32 PM  
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2022-04-14 1:10:58 PM  
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2022-04-14 1:12:10 PM  
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2022-04-14 1:12:24 PM  
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2022-04-14 1:13:00 PM  
How to eat pumpkin pie the right way....


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2022-04-14 1:13:43 PM  
Being Creative With Troublesome Kin

You are working on your family genealogy and for sake of example, let's say that your great-great uncle, Remus Starr, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889.

A cousin has supplied you with the only known photograph of Remus, showing him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture are the words:

"Remus Starr: Horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison, 1885. Escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged, 1889."

Pretty grim situation, right? But let's revise things a bit.We simply crop the picture, scan in an enlarged image, and edit it with image processing software so that all that is seen is a head shot.

Next, we rewrite the text:

"Remus Starr was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory.His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad.

"Beginning in 1885, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."
 
2022-04-14 1:14:16 PM  
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2022-04-14 1:14:40 PM  
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2022-04-14 1:14:52 PM  
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2022-04-14 1:15:14 PM  
A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'?"

He replied, "No, a whole series of fairy tales begins with 'If elected I promise...'"
 
2022-04-14 1:15:15 PM  
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2022-04-14 1:15:37 PM  
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2022-04-14 1:16:15 PM  
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2022-04-14 1:16:39 PM  
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2022-04-14 1:18:05 PM  
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2022-04-14 1:18:35 PM  
To err is human, to forgive is divine,
to moo is bovine,
to bleat is ovine,
to oink is porcine,
to howl is lupine,
to bark is canine,
to purr is feline.
This list is asinine.
 
2022-04-14 1:24:30 PM  
New fisherman's saying  (at least to me)

Early to bed,
Early to rise,
Fish like hell,
And make up lies.

"Dam it all," The Beaver told me.....
 
2022-04-14 1:31:38 PM  
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.  What did she think I had, an elephant?

So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.

I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with
Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.  Costco won't let me shop there anymore.  Better watch what you ask retired people.  They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
 
2022-04-14 1:33:16 PM  
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2022-04-14 2:01:19 PM  
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2022-04-14 2:02:15 PM  
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2022-04-14 2:09:57 PM  
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2022-04-14 3:06:01 PM  

kdawg7736: [scontent-iad3-1.xx.fbcdn.net image 750x724]


johnny longtorso
Youtube 8JEvhicbQPg
 
2022-04-14 3:23:59 PM  
How many dead bodies does it take to change a light bulb?

Not sure but it's at least six because the light in my basement is still out!
 
2022-04-14 3:30:08 PM  
I left my Adderall in my Ford Fiesta

Now it's a Ford Focus
 
2022-04-14 3:46:09 PM  
Not a joke but a CSB.  When my kids were little we had this big bad-ass barn cat.  He was an evil beast always scratching the kids when they got around him.  He killed everything. Mice, snakes, birds.  One easter Sunday, he comes strolling up the driveway with a dead bunny rabbit in his mawl.  I called the kids to look out the window because ole Tom had killed the Easter bunny.  They were crying and then Mrs Fan gave me the stink-eye and I had to go to my room.  When I sold the house, I convinced the new owner to keep him as he was an excellent mouser.
 
2022-04-14 4:20:43 PM  

kdawg7736: How to eat pumpkin pie the right way....


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I personally prefer Imperial Pumpkin Pie.
 
2022-04-14 4:21:38 PM  
... So Jesus wipes his ass with the Easter Bunny.
 
2022-04-14 4:24:11 PM  

kdawg7736: [scontent-iad3-1.xx.fbcdn.net image 496x536]


I see a very rare missteak there.
 
2022-04-14 4:28:35 PM  
Werner Heisenberg and Irwin Schroedinger were on their way to a conference.  Heisenberg was driving and they were going pretty darn fast.  Presently they get pulled over by a cop.  The cop saunters up and Heisenberg rolls down the widow.  The cop asks him, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg replied, "No, but I knew exactly where I was."
The cop says, "You were doing 85 miles and hour."
"Scheisse! Now I'm lost," Heisenberg yells.
Schroedinger leans over and says, " And don't look in the trunk, or we might as well turn around and go home."
 
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