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(Guardian)   "Hello, good evening and bollocks": Viz celebrates 25 years of profanity   ( guardian.co.uk) divider line
    More: Spiffy  
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5672 clicks; posted to Main » on 18 Nov 2004 at 5:49 AM (13 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

40 Comments     (+0 »)
2004-11-18 05:25:22 AM  
How come St. George got beatified for killing the rarest creature ever with a massive sword, while I get absolutely f*cked by the RSPCA for slaying common frogs with a penknife? As usual, it's one law for knights in armour and another for the rest of us.
Mike Bayes, Preston


GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending a &pound50 note to yourself by Royal Mail.
Chris, London

/Top Tips
2004-11-18 05:43:08 AM  
FAT SLAGS! an old favourite of mine.
2004-11-18 06:03:26 AM  
So, Dogs Bollocks is good, and just plain Bollocks is bad?
2004-11-18 06:07:15 AM  
"Blissna" is Geordie for "excellent"? Bollocks. Never heard of it, must be charverspeak. And Viz has been crap for years. Student Grant was the best strip they did and they dropped it years ago.
2004-11-18 06:11:22 AM  
"And Viz has been crap for years."

Don't they market it as 'not as funny as it used to be?'

It's still funny. The old ones were just as crap, we just hadn't seen them before.
2004-11-18 06:15:34 AM  
I will always be a fan of the "Top Tips" section as well. Never failed to make me laugh out loud.
2004-11-18 06:19:24 AM  
It may not be that funny, but without it we'd only have Beano and Dandy.

The Viz is a much needed crapy comic -- just like Beano and Dandy.

// awaiting comments from confused Yanks who don't know what The Viz is.
2004-11-18 06:27:52 AM  
I don't think we'll have too many US posters in on this one...

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.
P Loft, Gateshead.

/Top Tips
2004-11-18 06:46:50 AM  
How about we go to the shops?

How about we fark a coppa?

/Mrs Maybee and her crazy baby
2004-11-18 06:49:42 AM  
Top Tip:

BUSY executives. Don't buy a Dachshund. Their amusing sausage shape means they take 50% longer to stroke than other dogs, and time is money.

There are some on the viz.co.uk website.
2004-11-18 07:08:47 AM  
VIZ is great - too bad it's so bloody expensive to subscribe overseas.

- Canadian fan for eight years...a subscriber when I don't need to use my money for rent and food.
2004-11-18 07:16:12 AM  
And, for those who aren't from the isles...

[image from stng.36el.com too old to be available]

What's a "Geordie"?
2004-11-18 07:17:44 AM  
With their "graduation" to a glossier look and convential advertisements, I can't believe I never made the connection between them and Mad Magazine until now. Pretty interesting when you think about it.

/hasn't bought Viz in a few years
/may give them another shot now
2004-11-18 07:19:10 AM  

[image from users.globalnet.co.uk too old to be available]
[image from allposters.com too old to be available]
2004-11-18 07:22:07 AM  
Yop Yop
2004-11-18 07:33:49 AM  
"Geordie" = a resident of the North East of England, specifically Newcastle.
2004-11-18 07:40:08 AM  
There was a story about Viz on fark weeks ago, and there were a few Yank farkers who've read it.

It'a pretty popular in Australia, too.
2004-11-18 07:56:30 AM  
i'm from New Jersey, and I've been reading Viz for about 5 years now. fnarr! fnarr! :)
2004-11-18 08:21:08 AM  
Diablo Trout
There was a story about Viz on fark weeks ago, and there were a few Yank farkers who've read it.

And many more who had no idea what it was.
2004-11-18 08:32:58 AM  
There's a Viz in America which publishes manga.
2004-11-18 08:38:02 AM  
I was heartened by the popularity of Viz across the pond and down under. I love the Viz, and still thinks it's as good as ever.

Top tips:

MOUNTAIN BIKERS - Stop that irritating squeal from your brakes and reduce wear on them by oiling the rims of your wheels before making that tricky descent.

FOOL people into thinking you are an octopus by drinking several litres of ink, and farting everytime someone startles you.

COUNCIL HIGHWAY DEPARTMENTS - save money erecting warning signs on dangerous bends. Simply sellotape a bunch of flowers to the nearest lamp post instead.
2004-11-18 08:44:08 AM  
-Shoppers, avoid the hassle of carrying your groceries home by eating them at the check out. You'll find it also saves on the gas bill.

-Use two old Corn Flakes boxes to attain that 80's Joan Collins shoulderpad look.
2004-11-18 08:47:55 AM  
One of my favourite one off strips was Dr Poolittle ("who talks to the animals about constipation")

More Viz tips:

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin
into a bowl of iron filings.

'X File' fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking
two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the
following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

A Hedgehog trained to scuttle up and down the table from guest to guest
makes an unusual mobile cheese and pineapple cube nibble dispenser at
cocktail parties.

Whilst in bed protect yourself from vampires and werewolves by hiding
under the covers.

Foil pick pockets by placing a freshly toasted "Pop Tart" in
each pocket.Would-be thieves will quickly rupture the fragile pastry and
receive nasty finger burns from the steaming hot jam inside.

Confuse shopkeepers by buying a sheet of wrapping paper and asking them to
wrap it.

Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and
grazes with thin strips of bacon.

Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply
changing your name to match your existing plate. From Mr KVL 745

Cyclists. Next time you're out on your bike take a tin bath and about
4 or 5 gallons of water in plastic containers. In the event of a flat
tire this will help you locate any punctures you may have.

Pop a few tea bags in your hot water tank and you can make a hot cuppa
anytime by just turning on the tap.

Fellas. Next time you have to wrap up a present, don't, because you're
shiate at it. Give it to the wife and she'll do it properly with extra
girlie bows and fiddly bits while you're down the pub.

Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't,
because you cant and it just looks silly. just throw it girlie
under-arm style,and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.

Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in
every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of
the escaping gas.

As adverts on the television tell us not to use light switches if we
smell gas, I find it useful to always have a candle ready for use in such

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction
of oncoming traffic.

Always keep a pound of lard in your pocket so that if you get your head
stuck in railings you'll be able to grease your ears and slide

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and
slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

Exterior wood stain is a fast, long-lasting and attractive alternative
to sun-bed treatments.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating
cakes again.

I regularly drive to the pub, but am never guilty of drink driving.The
secret is to consume so much alcohol that by closing time you have
completely forgotten ever owning a car.

Smash the entire contents of your home with a sledgehammer before
going away on holiday. Then any would-be burglars who break in will
get a taste of their own medicine.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home
by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach,
then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Greengrocers. Why throw away old, shrivelled, unsold fruit and veg?
Simply label it "Organic Produce" and charge twice the usual price.

When buying fruit by the pound, buy grapes instead of apples. Apples
are much heavier.

Cigarettes are a much cheaper and more widely available alternative to
nicotine patches.

Beat bicycle theft by towing a horse box behind your bike. When you
stop, simply padlock the cycle securely inside the horse box.

Imagine you're in London by simply sitting in your car all day with
the engine running, occasionally honking your horn and never actually
going anywhere.

Beat the credit card companies at their own game. Run up a massive
bill on your credit cards and then kill yourself before your statement
arrives, thus avoiding repayment.

LORRY DRIVERS. Make motorway driving more interesting by waiting
until a car is overtaking you before pulling out from the inside lane.
This is even more fun when there are two cars side by side in the two
right hand lanes. BY using arm signals only at junctions, one can lull
motorists into thinking your indicator lights are defective.

BUS DRIVERS. Raise your overall self-esteem and self-importance in
life by stopping your vehicle every time a bus approaches from the
opposite direction in order to converse with fellow drivers. This is
particularly effective in rush hour traffic!

TO delay paying your electric bill simply lock the electric-board man
in the cupboard under the stairs whilst he reads the meter. This will
not work if you have a coin meter.

STOP losing your keys, by chaining them to a large object: such as a
chair. Then if you get tired of carrying your keys you can always sit
down for a rest.

IF you cannot afford that driving holiday in France this year - simply
drive round Oxfordshire, for 2 weeks, on the wrong side of the road.

BEFORE driving across a narrow humped-back bridge it is probably a
good idea to close your car doors first.

BY putting a camera with a time-lapsed shutter (set to trigger in 10
seconds or so) into a refrigerator, one can later develop the film in
order to find out if the refrigerator's internal light switches off
when the door is closed.

IF you find the fridge light does stay on, you can fit a small video
camera inside so you can save yourself the bother of opening the
fridge door to find out its empty. This method is also great for
making time lapse photography films of cucumbers turning into green

IF you like riding motorbikes then always wear leather trousers, even
if you haven't got your bike with you. This will let other motorbike
riders recognise you, while making everybody else unsure about your
Wear a neck scarf and cap and start losing your hair to enhance the

Cheer loudly at 8.30pm each Saturday to fool the neighbours into
thinking you have won the lottery.

INTERNATIONAL master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond
in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him
a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive
women in bikinis.

AMERICAN organised crime leaders. Upon capturing the 'A' Team do not
under any circumstances lock them in a shed full of tools and useful
scrap materials.

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply
cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

WHEN reading a book try tearing out the pages as you read them. This
saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be
used for shopping lists.

MOTORISTS. Pressing your 'fog lights' switch a second time after the
fog has cleared will actually turn your fog lights off.

BUS DRIVERS. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your
accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel
with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting
casually to the passengers.

FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by
holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and
occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the kerb.

WHEN out driving always turn left. Then, should you become lost, you
can find your way home by reversing the procedure and always turning

DON'T put washing-up liquid in the garage or loft. Keep it handy in
the kitchen. I put mine in the cupboard under the sink.

BOMB disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his
lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.

SAVE money on doorbell batteries by removing them and simply popping
to the door every two minutes to see if anyone is there.

SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and
walking around wearing a miner's hat.

RE-SPRAYING your car? Cover it with 'Cling Film' first. If you don't
like the new colour, simply peel it off and start again.

BUY a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy them by
standing outside their window and changing their channel using your
identical remote control.

LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that
the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhoea enabled me to lose 12 pounds
in only 2 days.

AVOID being wheel clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels
and locking them safely in the boot until you return.

AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to
'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

TAXI drivers. Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your
indicators lights for you so that other motorists know where the f***
you're going.

OLD contact lenses make ideal 'portholes' for small model boats.

KEEP a hammer close to your bed in case any nails fall out of the
ceiling at night.

MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking
their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting

NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt
by simply peeling it off.

APPLY red nail varnish to your nails before clipping them. The red
nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you
have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting varnish should be

KING-sized Mars bars make ideal normal-sized Mars bars, for giants.

PRETEND you're a giant panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating
bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with your wife.

NORMAL-sized Mars bars make ideal king-sized Mars bars for dwarfs, as
well as fun-sized ones for giants.

MEN! To convince neighbours that you have a large penis, simply drive
a car in and out of your road, very fast, whilst children play there.

Pretend you're owned by a bumble bee by attaching a wire around your
neck and fixing a mushroom to the other end.

Stay awake for a week and then tell your workmates you've been going
out with an owl.

FOR many years I've kept my legs warm in winter by wearing ladies'
tights beneath my trousers. I've never found it embarrassing, as they
make perfectly good - and economical - leg warmers. As a pensioner
saving money and staying warm are my priorities. In summer I switch to
wearing cooler and more hygienic stockings and suspenders.

STOP birds nesting in your garden by collecting all the twigs and moss
in your neighbourhood and hiding it in your garden shed.

STOP squirrels and birds taking food from your bird table by placing
the food inside a biscuit tin, and securing the lid with heavy duty

HANG a Cornflakes packet on a piece of string in all the doorways of
your house. Bumping into the brightly coloured boxes as you pass
through will remind you to close the door behind you.

Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging
your feet twice on each stair.

The new "Cindy Crawford Workout Video" is bloody marvellous. I've only
had it a fortnight and I've already got a right arm like Arnold

Some people say that swearing is a sign of a limited vocabulary. Well,
I write dictionaries for a living and have a big vocabulary but still
swear. So that farks that theory, doesn't it?

I jog to work behind the bus every day, saving a whopping $2.50
However, to save even more money, you could jog behind a taxi saving a
massive $20.00 excluding tip!!!!

Going on holiday but don't want to get sunburnt? Stay out of the sun
by covering yourselves in binbags. Then simply paint an authentic
watch strap onto your wrist with Tippex.

Students: Emphasise your individuality by all wearing the same
clothes, having exactly the same haircuts and not being able to handle
your subsidised beer that tax payers provide.

Clap your hands whilst having a shower. This will spray water in all

When cooking bacon, I wear my husbands welding mask and leather apron
to protect myself from the spitting fat.

When a program you dislike comes on TV simply turn down the volume and
close your eyes until it is finished.

Make your own tea bags by pouring tea into an After Eight mint
envelope and stapling it closed. Then puncture the sides 2000 times
with a pin.

I wear my husbands safety boots and industrial gauntlets when removing
teabags from the cup as they invariably drip hot water.

Old people, try pushing the pedal on the right down towards the
floor. This will make your car move forwards.

When searching under the table for a hatpin, I always wear my
husband's motorcycle crash helmet as I invariably bump my head when
getting up again.

If your husband is working late, keep his tea warm by putting it in
the oven on a low heat.

By joining together dozens of paper clips, you can make yourself an
attractive chain mail tank-top. Ideal for a 'knight' out.

By simply fixing a mirror to your ceiling, you can examine your feet
without looking down.

Office managers. Encourage primeval hunter-gatherer instincts among
staff by hiding nuts and berries about your office to enable them to
forage for food at lunchtime.

Fill a Shredded Wheat with pink soap and, hey presto - an inexpensive
Steelo soap pad.

Golfers! Empty egg boxes make ideal containers for your golf balls,
except that they are a little bit small.

If you feel someone is taking an unreasonable length of time to answer
the phone, punish them by putting the receiver down the minute they
eventually answer.

Turn your greenhouse into a tool shed by boarding up the glass panels
with wooden planks.

When holidaying abroad include a toilet brush and a standard lamp in
your luggage. Hotels rarely provide toilet brushes, and the lamp will
come in very handy for reading.

Wrap light bulbs in sticky-tape to prevent them from shattering should
they fall out of their bayonet fittings for any reason.

Ensure a good night's sleep by knocking back a large bottle of gin
before retiring to bed.

Warm your car quickly on cold winter days by attaching a hose to your
exhaust pipe and inserting it through a small gap in the window.

Impress visitors by sitting on their laps, flicking through an animal
book and making the appropriate animal noise for each picture.
(P.S.This works best if you are under 2 years old.)

Mums. Slip small coloured plastic beads into your kids' food so as to
easily identify their stools at a later date, should the need arise
2004-11-18 09:30:36 AM  
Make your own tea bags by pouring tea into an After Eight mint envelope and stapling it closed. Then puncture the sides 2000 times with a pin.

Make your own After Eight mint cosie by tipping the tea leaves out of a tea bag.
2004-11-18 09:33:50 AM  
Count me in as a Yank who reads Viz religiously. Here are just a few observations:

1) There is no American equivalent to this magazine either in style or humor. Hell, I don't even think there are any American humor magazines anymore.

2) I recently bought a bunch of back issues from the 80's and was extremely disappointed. I can't fathom how people could think it was funnier back then. The mid-90's were in my opinion the golden years, but it's still funny as shiat.

3) As an American, I hated almost all of the British humor I was exposed to up until fairly recently. Then again, pretty much all we got for a long time was Monty Python, which I've always thought is comedy for people with no sense of humor. I don't think I've ever met a Monty Python fan that wasn't a pathetic, humorless bastard.

I have to say, along with I'm Alan Partridge and The Office, Viz really showed me a side of British humor that I'd never been exposed to, and I'm a better man for it.
2004-11-18 09:35:33 AM  
Its the Profanisaurus that cracks me up.
2004-11-18 09:47:16 AM  
2004-11-18 09:35:33 AM Glasgowsfinest

My favorite from the latest issue is the "Dutch marathon". I'll probably butcher it, but it describes "the fast-paced but seemingly endless walk from the newspaper stand to your home after purchasing some new bongo mags.
2004-11-18 10:07:21 AM  
[image from moviepoopshoot.com too old to be available]

2004-11-18 10:22:43 AM  
So, Dogs Bollocks is good, and just plain Bollocks is bad?

/Yank Viz reader
2004-11-18 10:30:04 AM  
I'm only going to do this one more time.

Oooohhh if you want to be correct, it's just V-I-Z
but if you want to be a moron, it's T-H-E space V-I-Z. Scallawags.

/you might have to get creative to make that fit in the song.
2004-11-18 10:42:21 AM  
Surprised there aren't more VIZ fanatics on this site. True, it ain't what it used to be, but some of the new writers are pure genius (whoever did 'Desert Island Desk' and my personal favorite, 'Vidal Babboon'). And hlx, speaking of 'Dr.Poolittle', remember 'Dr. Poo?' He was circling the universe looking for somewhere to have a crap.

By the way, you buy hard-bound volumes of older issues in European airports, and sometimes online at sites like alibris.

I've got 'em all...
2004-11-18 10:44:31 AM  
you **CAN** buy... sorry
2004-11-18 10:47:52 AM  
"Yank" here, been reading Viz since 1987, was introduced to it by the Brit that owned the local comic shop in Gulfport, MS. Been a religious reader ever since. Tower Records here in NYC is the only place that carries it, and they gouge the shiat out of me on markup.

Chip Shop in Brooklyn has Viz stuff up everywhere, and the Fat Slags are the menu spokes-slags. They even manage not to spit in my food when I wear my Man. U. strip in post-match, in desperate need of something to soak up the beer I have been drinking since 6am.
2004-11-18 12:03:13 PM  
Anyone ever seen a Viz from the early-mid 90's with an advert for the child-spanking device called the Mighty Disciplinarian?

"Thwack, thwack, goes the Mighty Disciplinarian!"

2004-11-18 12:04:58 PM  
Gordon Sting: "Crazed sex monkeys wanked in my tea".
2004-11-18 12:22:31 PM  
Boring. We had the Viz thread a couple of weeks ago.
2004-11-18 01:24:34 PM  
"bollocks" isn't profanity. Neither is "rogering".

They're synonyms, like saying gosh darn instead of god damn. Only words like sh*t and fu*k are profanity.
2004-11-18 06:53:28 PM  
I can't believe nobody has mentioned Roger's Profanisaurus! I've pulled many a fine bit of lingo off that one, such as: LRF - "low resolution fox".

I also credit Viz with part of my success in the yachting business - I actually knew what the hell the sailors from the U.K. were talking aboot. Canny like.
2004-11-18 07:32:01 PM  
I've heard of 'em, they publish Shonen Jump.

[image from shonenjump.com too old to be available]
2004-11-19 02:00:01 AM  
Tits oot for the lads!
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